Fenris

Bayliss, I've been reading your posts for six months now and I'm glad you keep coming back. I hope at some point you'll hear what others have been telling you: your dependence on your boyfriend and your self-prescribed role as a victim act as roadblocks to your recovery. The conditions you place on sobriety, the excuses you use to drink, your unwillingness to do the things that have helped others stay sober...I mean, nothing changes if nothing changes. Please take that in the spirit it's intended: concern and friendship. You deserve better than the box you've designed around your life. You're worth more than that.

When it comes to sobriety, the only thing you should say that you won't do is drink. Otherwise, be willing to go to any length.

--Fenris.

sugarbear1

If you stopped drinking for 90 days and taught yourself healthy habits, you would be proud of yourself and most importantly you would think clearly. Then you might see the changes you want. Life will be so much prettier.....

I think you're worth so much, especially sobriety!

Elisabeth888

I am praying that you find some peace and serenity.

collegegirl

Bayliss,

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. I can relate to a lot of your relationship issues, especially the verbal abuse and control issues. And the feeling that you think life might be better without him, but you don't want to find out, because you're too afraid of being alone.

In my case, I've pretty much decided that the boyfriend and the booze have to leave my life at the same time. They have become so connected that I can't have one without the other. I hope you keep coming back here until you find the answers you need.

ARTEMIS

Bayliss you seem like a really nice girl. If your boyfriend came to you and said he really wanted to stop drinking, it was a real problem in his life, what advice would you give him? How would you help him do it?
I have a feelling you would move Heaven and Earth and try anything and everything to help him. Can you use the same energy for yourself? You are just as important as he is.
I wish you the best.

bayliss

All of your replies made me cry - but in a good way of course...
I know that I need to do something. I have to do something...I am becoming increasingly aware as each day passes...geeze, I mean, I drank again this morning, pigged out on junk and then passed out where I woke up with heart palpatations, sweating and just feeling like crap. A total day just wasted away on a few drinks, it's pathetic.
I guess the reason why I drank again was because I thought I needed it to help me deal with my boyfriends answer...
I am not sure what is going to happen tonight at all.
I wrote out a pros and cons list and there are more cons then pros...
It's just so hard when you build such a huge life and foundation with someone...but more and more as I sit watching movies like Bridget Jones or sappy-a$$ movies about love and stuff I just totally don't have that.
I guess he knows that I won't leave...I think he knows that I am super dependant on him, so he does as he wishes...I am beginning to think if maybe he might have something on the side as well...
I don't know...

I just know I need to stop...the drinking...I am going to really try tomorrow...my day 1. I need to. I am so miserable...and depressed...I shouldn't have quit my $hit job with no plan...just a plan on freakin' drinking...and I knew all along that was in the back of my mind and just never realized it until now. I didn't think of the repercussions of quitting my job because I knew I could drink as much as I wanted to and when I wanted to.

What a mistake.
I am in desperate need of a plan.

Thanks everyone.

Fandy

I hope you contact your family who cares about you, get to a doctor and get into some sort of treatment before you get more lost and out of control.

there is no shame in asking for professional help. this is no way to live, or exist.

langkah

'I just know I need to stop...the drinking...I am going to really try tomorrow...my day 1.'

You're assuming throughout this thread that you have the choice regarding drinking and are simply choosing to make yourself sick and nuts for reasons that are very clear to you but no one else.

Maybe you're wrong about that.

Perhaps you can't go even a few weeks without having to drink and your continual drinking is not evidence of a choice you are still capable of making, but simply the kind of common and classic out of control drinking that alcoholics do because they cannot stop it?

Yesterday you decided not to drink starting today. See how your control over your drinking plays out.

ReadyAndAble

You can do it, bayliss!

Have you joined one of the daily support threads? Lots of new folks in the December 2011 class, including some who just have a day or two of sobriety. You'd find a lot of positive reinforcement and inspiration there, I'm sure.

Fix this one thing, and you will be amazed at how everything else in life becomes so much more manageable.

1undone

Drinking all day like that is truly sad. You are in danger of doing something terrible to yourself. I think you should go with what your "gut" tells you on this relationship. Seems like you know the eventual outcome but are using alcohol to avoid action.

Most likely if you think he's seeing someone else he is. Classic for a cheating BF or spouse is to feel ambivalence in their primary relationship. And to have a sort of push pull response as well - if he sees you pulling away he'll throw you a "bone" like an "I guess I love you. When he said, "we need to talk". That is classic too. Read up on the signs of a cheating partner.

I'm not telling you this to cause you to drink. I just think that unless you stop avoiding reality with alcohol you will be used and dead within no time.

This relationship reminds me of the one between Caroline and Julien in "Drinking, A Love Story.". Classic alcoholic relationship.

Dee74

how are you doing bayliss?

D