38 year old train wreck
 

contemplating recovery
I was kicked out by my wife and her dad in October
living with mom at 38 - woohoo
got divorce papers served day before Thanksgiving

since 1993 in college I have been lving in a frat party haze
in November I spent a thousand dollars on booze, average 400 a month easily
my wife suffered for two years living with John Belushi's evil twin

I destroyed my marriage, my best friends marriage, lost many close friends
there is just a path of destruction that is hard to ignore now
work in high tech maybe the job is the only thing I can do right
drink every day, sober only during work hours, weekends are just total fade,

it seems like I am in an endless loop filled with vodka and vitamin water,
used to think I am a functional alcoholic but I doubt the concept now

Take it from me, if you keep it up, eventually the job goes too. So, what is your present plan for your future use of alcohol? Are you going to keep contemplating recovery until you lose it all, or are you going to quit while there is still something left to salvage?

Welcome to SR!

I've read on here that all alcoholics are "high functioning" -- that is until everything falls apart.

I would suggest going a step further than contemplating recovery and actually give it a shot. It's funny how we have to "contemplate" recovery; as if one really needed to contemplate getting off the merry-go-round of alcoholism. I know how crazy it is, but life on the other side of the bottle is so much more sane. I've been sober for 8 months and I can't imagine going back to that hell.

Stick around here, there's a lot to learn here and a lot of support to be found if you decide to get sober. :)

Best wishes

welcome mjk :)

I agree - why not do more than contemplate - drinking doesn't seem like it's going too well - what have you got to lose by trying the alternative?

D

I am here to learn so I can have a plan. It seems I no longer even know who I am or what I am. At least I am not lying to myself anymore that I am in control

Typo ?
 

mjk, did you mean to type, "At least I am not lying to myself anymore that I am out of control" ?

I agree MJK, you should go with what the evidence of your experience makes clear to you.

Now that you have given up the idea that you can control your drinking, what's your next move?

I was that train wreck at 38 and 25 and 30 and then 40 I walked away from the wreckage and made drastic changes in my thinking.

Have you thought of a way of recovering?

Check out this link and see if something looks good to you and then try it and stop contemplating it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Hey MJK....I so remember feeling how you are right now! I felt such despare. My life was so stagnant. I remember feeling very alone because Im an isolater. I understand needing help even forming a plan. What worked for me and still is is AA! Maybe try a few meetings,meet some people get some phone numbers? I dragged myself to my first meeting and an old timer reached out his hand welcoming me that touched me deeply! I have been happy there ever since. Good luck and keep comin here

I love your avatar. I laugh every time I see it

MJK,
I've spent much of my life being/being around "functioning alcoholics" and I think the concept sucks. It's a painful, underachieving world. The world of "recovering alcoholics" is much better. Don't be afraid, come on in, the water's fine. Here's the secret:not drinking is empowering and--fun! Life's a bitch no matter how you slice it. I'll take cravings over hangovers any day! Good luck, man. We're all pulling for you!

Welcome to SR.:) I gave up drinking two years ago and don't miss it one bit. I only wish I'd quit drinking sooner.:)

welcome to SR!

Welcome to SR!!
I to am in IT and I to only had my job going for me. But, it is true if you keep it up that in the end the job to shall go. Why not get off the train now and enjoy what life can be like without it!

MJK, I'll tell ya what, I can promise you things can and WILL turn around once you get willing to give a RECOVERY LIFESTYLE a try (and hopefully you are already willing.... before you lose even more......cuz, like Term. Uniq. said, it's more than likely coming if you keep it up).

And I say "recovery lifestyle" rather than not drinking because I assume you're like many of us for whom "not drinking" won't work much better for how you feel emotionally, mentally and spiritually than drinking does.

Not drinking is cool......if you can pull it off.
Recovery is where the $ is though......if you're willing to put in a little time and effort.
(heh....like that old saying, "nothing worth having comes for free") and trust me, it's not all that tough..... look around, lots of us dummies managed to pull it off. ;)

MJK....I was starting to recognize I was a train wreck waiting to happen around 28. I continued on the same tracks until I was 36. Like you I was able to hold a good job and for that reason I kept telling myself I was OK...I could get this under control.

As the downward spiral continued, it led me to a situation that fortunately did not cost me my job but it certainly could have. In the end I was nothing even closely resembling functioning. The only time I appeared to be functioning was because I was drinking....I had to drink to function.

I found freedom from the hell I was in in AA but there are plenty of other prgrams there to help you. You've taken a big step in recognizing your problem. Now take some action and stop contemplating recovery and start living in recovery.

Welcome to SR!

You can get your life back together, although it's not going to happen as soon as you would like. It probably took years for you to make a mess of things with alcohol, it's going to take some time to put it back together.

So what's your plan of action . . . inpatient, outpatient, AA? I think you have to do "something" to change your life. Just saying that you are not going to drink anymore is probably not enough.

The good news is, this can be your bottom and you can rebuild your life from here.

Oh, and about that job. I bet that they already suspect you drink, usually the only people we can fool with our drinking is ourselves.

Welcome MJK.
The sooner you turn contemplation into action the better. I've been sober for 37days. I sure wish I quit 38 days ago.

mjk - I went on much longer than you. In the end, even my very secure job was threatened. People who had loved me my whole life were hurt & confused by me. Everything was chaos. Be glad you've decided to save yourself from what is to come if you don't stop.

You can still build a wonderful new life without being a slave to alcohol. I almost lost my life trying to control the amounts I drank. I even took it to work with me in the end - I was completely unhinged. This doesn't have to be you. Keep on posting & reading here - you are never alone as long as you have us.

This disease does destroy (speaking from experience). There is a better way and life in recovery. You have taken the first step towards sobriety and I am glad you are here at SR. You do not have to be a train wreck anymore...we recover together.

He Lit My Way - Christian Acoustic Rock Song - YouTube