I want out of this vicious circle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
I want out of this vicious circle
...and here I go again. I don't know what has to happen to stop drinking for good. I am completely honest with my self that I am an alcoholic, I am seriously scared and frightened that some day, after taking amounts of alcohol that I usualy take when I drink and passing out I will not wake up. Not to mention shame and low self esteem, and the day after when I feel so depresed and has the urge to apologize to everybody who vitnessed me making fool out of my self, talking nonsence, stumbling when walking . I manage not to drink over working week and usualy it takes just a few days to feel better, but usualy on saturday when I am at home and when the members of my family poor their drinks before lunch, I repeatedly choose not to be honest to my self and think - you can take just a few, then you will eat and take a nap...and it is never like this, not a single time I took just one and stop...if even once I managed to do that I would understand something of that.
I don't give up. I am aware that the solution is simple, never take the first drink. I am just scared so much and I don't trust myself.
I am honest with close people about my drinking problem, but it seems like they don't get the seriousness of my battle...or they just gave up on me...they can't stop drinking instead of me.
I have intoxicated my self with alcohol and cigaretts last nigh so much that I am not able to get out of bed today...I wish somebody just to hold me and tell me I will be good.
I am so ashamed, scared and am just beating myself up...
I spent last Sunday the same way and was 100% positive it was the last time...I am so lost.
What can I do, but try again and again again...This battle lasts too long, I am 34 now and I think I seriosly started to drink in high school, almost 20 years, lost 20 years...and the best part is I can leave this battle, it's on me.
Alcohol has afected my life so much, the best years of my life were not experienced, sensed, inhaled, just wrong choices, pain and numbing the pain with alcohol.
I feel so good when I don't drink, life is not easy, but when I am sober it doesn't look so bad either...then why I do this to my self, where I am making mistakes, instead of drinking, maybe I am not so honest with myself when I choose to take this one drink. It is a special relationship with addiction...it fights not to be broken, a sick but strong relationship when one partner is molested and every time told that it is the last time it will never happen again...
Well, I just don't know what to say or to think, there is just hope that this 11 december of 2011 will become a day I broke up this abusing relationship and started a new chapter in my life.
M.
I don't give up. I am aware that the solution is simple, never take the first drink. I am just scared so much and I don't trust myself.
I am honest with close people about my drinking problem, but it seems like they don't get the seriousness of my battle...or they just gave up on me...they can't stop drinking instead of me.
I have intoxicated my self with alcohol and cigaretts last nigh so much that I am not able to get out of bed today...I wish somebody just to hold me and tell me I will be good.
I am so ashamed, scared and am just beating myself up...
I spent last Sunday the same way and was 100% positive it was the last time...I am so lost.
What can I do, but try again and again again...This battle lasts too long, I am 34 now and I think I seriosly started to drink in high school, almost 20 years, lost 20 years...and the best part is I can leave this battle, it's on me.
Alcohol has afected my life so much, the best years of my life were not experienced, sensed, inhaled, just wrong choices, pain and numbing the pain with alcohol.
I feel so good when I don't drink, life is not easy, but when I am sober it doesn't look so bad either...then why I do this to my self, where I am making mistakes, instead of drinking, maybe I am not so honest with myself when I choose to take this one drink. It is a special relationship with addiction...it fights not to be broken, a sick but strong relationship when one partner is molested and every time told that it is the last time it will never happen again...
Well, I just don't know what to say or to think, there is just hope that this 11 december of 2011 will become a day I broke up this abusing relationship and started a new chapter in my life.
M.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
No, I went to AA but it didn't turn out so good for me. In early recovery I started a relationship with a men who was 14 years clean, who abruptly dumped me. After 8 months of a long distance relationship he just stopped writing. It brought me back to drinking, I even started to smoke again. I already wrote about it. I considered option to going back again to AA but don't feel to comfortable. Althoug this man is not from my country I feel that I didn't receive proper support from my homegroup, you know he is 14 years clean and is considered to be God and I was just a stupid newcomer who should have known better. I feel betrayed and just don't trust those people. I opened up tottaly to them and finaly felt betrayed. I know it is hurd to go through this alone, but I hope I will make it, because it is the only option for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
Hi Anna,
I don't know. My only plan is not to drink under any circumstnces. I will avoid people and places where there is alcohol. I have some exames, I will try to focus on them.
The biggest problem is my house, where there is drink in huge ammounts.
It is not the best plan, but the only I have for now.
I don't know. My only plan is not to drink under any circumstnces. I will avoid people and places where there is alcohol. I have some exames, I will try to focus on them.
The biggest problem is my house, where there is drink in huge ammounts.
It is not the best plan, but the only I have for now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi and welcome Michelle
You'll find a lot of support here. This place really helped me do what I needed to do and turn my life around
There's a variety of different recovery methods around - if you feel like you need real life support as well to help you, there are a number of options here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I hope you'll check them out
D
You'll find a lot of support here. This place really helped me do what I needed to do and turn my life around
There's a variety of different recovery methods around - if you feel like you need real life support as well to help you, there are a number of options here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I hope you'll check them out
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
The start of my day 2. I thought I would feel better after a good sleep, but no...I feel like s..t. I am in the office, feeling cranky and like I am going to burst into tears every moment.
I have lot of things to do today, to go to exam after work, and after that a birthday party of my friend's daughter (which I am going to skip). If I could, I would not go out of my room for few days.
I feel so guilty that lied to my friend about the reason for not coming to the birthday party, but I am just not ready to be with people pretending to be happy puppy, while I feel so depressed and discouraged.
I really feel, I have to take some time for my self and stop fulfilling expectations other have for me.
Some of my relapses happened because I was not strong to tell NO, when I am around people who expect me to drink. I don't blame them. Just I didn't want to be a party breaker, when for example I come to my friends for lunch and she is so excited to offer me some special wine. How can I disappoint her and say-Sorry, I don't drink. How stupid I am.
Instead of saying sorry that moment, I would rather spend apologizing the whole next day for getting drunk.
I really feel alone in this battle of mine. My friends know about my problem, I acknowledged it to them hoping they would accept that fact too, but no. I don't know how many times I was encouraged to drink by those very same persons, thinking maybe I am blowing entire thing out of proportion. They would never say me anything bad, they would comfort me, saying I am too hard on my self. This doesn't help. Criticism also doesn't help.
The only thing that helps at this moment is accepting the truth that I have a life threatening disease, that I am tired of going around in the same circle, that I cannot expect proper support from people who doesn't have this problem and cannot understand how it functions, but that I have to protect my sobriety with all means that I have...and if it means, spending some time alone with myself, not being there for friends or family, then that is what I am going to do.
Early recovery just sucks...I am just repeating in my head that it is normal to feel like this so early and that this will pass too.
Hugs to all,
M.
I have lot of things to do today, to go to exam after work, and after that a birthday party of my friend's daughter (which I am going to skip). If I could, I would not go out of my room for few days.
I feel so guilty that lied to my friend about the reason for not coming to the birthday party, but I am just not ready to be with people pretending to be happy puppy, while I feel so depressed and discouraged.
I really feel, I have to take some time for my self and stop fulfilling expectations other have for me.
Some of my relapses happened because I was not strong to tell NO, when I am around people who expect me to drink. I don't blame them. Just I didn't want to be a party breaker, when for example I come to my friends for lunch and she is so excited to offer me some special wine. How can I disappoint her and say-Sorry, I don't drink. How stupid I am.
Instead of saying sorry that moment, I would rather spend apologizing the whole next day for getting drunk.
I really feel alone in this battle of mine. My friends know about my problem, I acknowledged it to them hoping they would accept that fact too, but no. I don't know how many times I was encouraged to drink by those very same persons, thinking maybe I am blowing entire thing out of proportion. They would never say me anything bad, they would comfort me, saying I am too hard on my self. This doesn't help. Criticism also doesn't help.
The only thing that helps at this moment is accepting the truth that I have a life threatening disease, that I am tired of going around in the same circle, that I cannot expect proper support from people who doesn't have this problem and cannot understand how it functions, but that I have to protect my sobriety with all means that I have...and if it means, spending some time alone with myself, not being there for friends or family, then that is what I am going to do.
Early recovery just sucks...I am just repeating in my head that it is normal to feel like this so early and that this will pass too.
Hugs to all,
M.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 773
Hi michelle,
I'm too early in sobriety to give advice, but i quit over 90 days ago and told everyone I quit right away, my freinds were like, what's up with that, or think it was just another attempt. but I'm proud of not drinking, people give you more credit for not drinking than drinking and to be honest, a lot of people probably wish they could stop too, I'm super proud of my not drinking even tho I do drink NA beer. you won't need to go thru these bad times if you stick with it
I'm too early in sobriety to give advice, but i quit over 90 days ago and told everyone I quit right away, my freinds were like, what's up with that, or think it was just another attempt. but I'm proud of not drinking, people give you more credit for not drinking than drinking and to be honest, a lot of people probably wish they could stop too, I'm super proud of my not drinking even tho I do drink NA beer. you won't need to go thru these bad times if you stick with it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
Thanks OCDDan for your support.
I know I don't have to prove anything to anybody, this I should do for myself, but still I wish there will come the day when I will not have to prove anything to anybody, when I will not have to do that because my actions will show the result of change.
It is just that I feel scared and alone at this moment and I don't trust myself, but would really like to do the right thing this time mo matter what.
I feel like I have to isolate myself for some time, because I don't know if I could handle the pressure of being with people who can have a drink or two, while I am not capable of doing this.
You know, I always feel the shame when I go out with my friends, because they can drink moderately, while I cannot.
And many times I would go out being 100% sure that I am going to take a coffee or a tea...and then we would start some interesting conversation, friend would really like a glass of wine and I would go for it just to fulfill the stereotype, two friends having time for them selves, what would fit better than a glass of wine...and what happens, after the first glass of wine, my friends would stop and I would continue...transforming to this awful drunk woman, not remembering the next day what she was talking.
I tried to talk to my friends about my problem, and everything would be ok, they would say if it bothers me I should stop, but in a few weeks they would invite me to their house for a lunch and a special wine they just received.
I just don't know what is right thing to do. To isolate myself for some time, until I get back on my feet again, or to act as everything is normal and to hope that I will be strong this time to say - NO, I don't drink anymore?
I just don't trust my self and feel like I have to be closed in some secure place, where I couldn't drink, even if I wish.
I don't have physical cravings that I need to drink, but I don't know which moment will be a trigger. Sometimes, it is coffee after work, which turns to be everything than coffee, sometimes it is a family lunch, sometimes, just a boring weekend evening and a phone call from a friend.
I envy people who doesn't have to deal with this and again and again I try to act like them hoping that if I act to be normal I will become normal...but the truth is I am not like them and I have to rediscover myself.
Thanks again for listening and hugs
M.
I know I don't have to prove anything to anybody, this I should do for myself, but still I wish there will come the day when I will not have to prove anything to anybody, when I will not have to do that because my actions will show the result of change.
It is just that I feel scared and alone at this moment and I don't trust myself, but would really like to do the right thing this time mo matter what.
I feel like I have to isolate myself for some time, because I don't know if I could handle the pressure of being with people who can have a drink or two, while I am not capable of doing this.
You know, I always feel the shame when I go out with my friends, because they can drink moderately, while I cannot.
And many times I would go out being 100% sure that I am going to take a coffee or a tea...and then we would start some interesting conversation, friend would really like a glass of wine and I would go for it just to fulfill the stereotype, two friends having time for them selves, what would fit better than a glass of wine...and what happens, after the first glass of wine, my friends would stop and I would continue...transforming to this awful drunk woman, not remembering the next day what she was talking.
I tried to talk to my friends about my problem, and everything would be ok, they would say if it bothers me I should stop, but in a few weeks they would invite me to their house for a lunch and a special wine they just received.
I just don't know what is right thing to do. To isolate myself for some time, until I get back on my feet again, or to act as everything is normal and to hope that I will be strong this time to say - NO, I don't drink anymore?
I just don't trust my self and feel like I have to be closed in some secure place, where I couldn't drink, even if I wish.
I don't have physical cravings that I need to drink, but I don't know which moment will be a trigger. Sometimes, it is coffee after work, which turns to be everything than coffee, sometimes it is a family lunch, sometimes, just a boring weekend evening and a phone call from a friend.
I envy people who doesn't have to deal with this and again and again I try to act like them hoping that if I act to be normal I will become normal...but the truth is I am not like them and I have to rediscover myself.
Thanks again for listening and hugs
M.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 773
I'm not going to a work party this wednesday, and if anyone asks why I'll tell them because I recently stopped drinking, and even tho I know i wouldn't drink at the party, I don't want to feel the anxiety of people around me drinking and having elevated endorphines or whatever, I don't want to stress myself, not only then, but in the days leading up to it. good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
Exactly, I will also skip the upcoming holiday events. Sometimes it just elevated endorphins in the atmosphere as you put it excellently that put my brakes down and I just jump into it.
I realized that all these extreme feelings are dangerous for me, the balance and the golden mean is what I have to stick to. I act like having these extreme depressed and maniacal phases (although it is not the case) and everything in the middle is boring...or is it just a way to escape and not deal with my feelings and thoughts.
I know that in early recovery it is really important to keep low level stress and anxiety, so if even a thought of some situation produces certain anxiety, I will avoid the situation.
Thanks a lot, and congrats on 90+ days. I managed to be sober for 8 months last year and those were the best months of my life and I want that again.
Good luck to you too and hugs
M.
I realized that all these extreme feelings are dangerous for me, the balance and the golden mean is what I have to stick to. I act like having these extreme depressed and maniacal phases (although it is not the case) and everything in the middle is boring...or is it just a way to escape and not deal with my feelings and thoughts.
I know that in early recovery it is really important to keep low level stress and anxiety, so if even a thought of some situation produces certain anxiety, I will avoid the situation.
Thanks a lot, and congrats on 90+ days. I managed to be sober for 8 months last year and those were the best months of my life and I want that again.
Good luck to you too and hugs
M.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Michelle, I am new to sobriety too. Have you thought of journaling? I have kept a journal that details the hell of my hangovers and re-reading that has really helped me. That is wonderful that you had 8 months of sobriety. You could journal how that felt as a motivator. Identifying potential triggers and ways to deal with them might be helpful. Developing affirmations "I don't drink - drinking is poison to me" might help. Disputing your addictive voice, developing coping statements "This feeling will eventually pass", developing a list of goals and envisioning the person you want to be and reframing thoughts or viewing the situation from another angle all might help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
Thanks, Tanja :ghug3
I was just thinking today about things you mentioned in your post.
I like writing (in my native language it sounds better) It realives the preassure and I can monitor my progress, sometimes when you write, you discover something new about yourself.
I just agree with everything that you mentioned in your post. I think I should be more active mentaly regarding the addictive voice, I think I never even tried properly to reckognize it and I was thinking all day about the person I want to be..and when I am sober I like myself pretty much, some little extra enhancment and that would be just ok
Thanks a lot for your post, hugs and all the best!
M.
I was just thinking today about things you mentioned in your post.
I like writing (in my native language it sounds better
) It realives the preassure and I can monitor my progress, sometimes when you write, you discover something new about yourself.I just agree with everything that you mentioned in your post. I think I should be more active mentaly regarding the addictive voice, I think I never even tried properly to reckognize it and I was thinking all day about the person I want to be..and when I am sober I like myself pretty much, some little extra enhancment and that would be just ok
Thanks a lot for your post, hugs and all the best!
M.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 8
Michele,
I totally get you. I, too, want the drink for the extreme high I can get from it...even though its followed by shame for days. Regular life is good, but I tend to be extreme in my thinking--I want everything to be better, more intense, more vivid, more real, more...
In reality, real life offers up lots of good ups without drink.
I also have the exact same problem with being with people who drink. They find me fun/funny because I am the life-of-the-party type...so they want to offer me drinks, since why wouldn't that fun girl want to drink some?? So I'm like, "sure, I want to be part of the action, part of the fun, why not one glass?" it seems so hard to say "no," like I'd be a downer to whoever I'm with...I tried telling people that I have a problem and they don't seem to take it seriously "everyone drinks alitte too much here and there" but for me its every time...and blackouts...so my goal is to say no. And then just keep having fun.
I totally get you. I, too, want the drink for the extreme high I can get from it...even though its followed by shame for days. Regular life is good, but I tend to be extreme in my thinking--I want everything to be better, more intense, more vivid, more real, more...
In reality, real life offers up lots of good ups without drink.
I also have the exact same problem with being with people who drink. They find me fun/funny because I am the life-of-the-party type...so they want to offer me drinks, since why wouldn't that fun girl want to drink some?? So I'm like, "sure, I want to be part of the action, part of the fun, why not one glass?" it seems so hard to say "no," like I'd be a downer to whoever I'm with...I tried telling people that I have a problem and they don't seem to take it seriously "everyone drinks alitte too much here and there" but for me its every time...and blackouts...so my goal is to say no. And then just keep having fun.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Michele, I had to stay away from alcohol being served for quite awhile in early recovery. But, I didn't isolate myself at all. It was really important for me to feel a connection with other people and it was good for me to get out and do things. But, I had to change the things I did and places I went.
And, writing/journalling is a great way to work your way through recovery. It can help you to figure out the path that will work best for you.
And, writing/journalling is a great way to work your way through recovery. It can help you to figure out the path that will work best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 65
Thanks CrispyFran and Anna,
I really appreciate you being around for me, your suggestions truly help.
I know I have to find a healthy modus vivendi, no extreme attitudes are helpful.
I have to find new, healthy, ways to connect with people, isolation is not good.
At this moment I am trying to get to know my self a little better, to feel my own feelings, to analyze my own thoughts to see what feelings and thoughts are pushing me to behave so destructively.
I go to work and I am finishing my studies, so I meet people on a daily basis, I am just concern about the other relationships I have in my life (family and friends) as I become to realize they are not the healthiest ones. I don't plan to push them away, I just want to be open for transformation I am ready to make and to rebuilt these connections in a more healthy and constructive ways, but I suppose, firstly I have to rebuilt connection with my self.
Today is my day 3 free of alcohol and 2 free of xanax. I decided if I am going to do it, I am going to do it right. I thought I would have problems with insomnia, but I must say I slept pretty well last night for someone who haven't gone to bed clear and sober for a long time.
Still I struggle with cigarettes, but their turn will come also
Hugs to all.
Have a wonderful day, evening, night, morning...life ♥
M.
Hugs
I really appreciate you being around for me, your suggestions truly help.
I know I have to find a healthy modus vivendi, no extreme attitudes are helpful.
I have to find new, healthy, ways to connect with people, isolation is not good.
At this moment I am trying to get to know my self a little better, to feel my own feelings, to analyze my own thoughts to see what feelings and thoughts are pushing me to behave so destructively.
I go to work and I am finishing my studies, so I meet people on a daily basis, I am just concern about the other relationships I have in my life (family and friends) as I become to realize they are not the healthiest ones. I don't plan to push them away, I just want to be open for transformation I am ready to make and to rebuilt these connections in a more healthy and constructive ways, but I suppose, firstly I have to rebuilt connection with my self.
Today is my day 3 free of alcohol and 2 free of xanax. I decided if I am going to do it, I am going to do it right. I thought I would have problems with insomnia, but I must say I slept pretty well last night for someone who haven't gone to bed clear and sober for a long time.
Still I struggle with cigarettes, but their turn will come also
Hugs to all.
Have a wonderful day, evening, night, morning...life ♥
M.
Hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
