huntress

Hello, everyone. My name is huntress and I am an alcoholic.

I'm not in AA, and I've always thought it hokey to introduce oneself like that, but I've discovered that that's possibly the hardest thing to say out loud to another person, at least for the first time, and once said, it frees the speaker to be brutally honest with herself. So here goes....

Today is my first day of sobriety. I've occasionally paused in my drinking over the years, sometimes for a week or more--just enough to prove to myself that I was not powerless over alcohol, you know. Then, of course, I went right back to it. I keep thinking I should cut down or quit, but then I think of all the situations in which I will be expected to drink. I woke up this morning and realized that the Perfect Quitting Day will never arrive. Thus, it's today.

I'm creating this thread to tell my story as it comes to me, to track my progress, and to get your suggestions and encouragement, so please feel free to comment.

I'm not in AA for a couple of reasons. First, I'm overseas and if there is a group in my area, I'm quite sure it wouldn't be in English. Second, I'm not religious and I have trouble with the "higher power" requirements of AA (yes, I know "higher power" isn't just a deity, but I still struggle with finding something that will fit the bill). I am, however, reading the literature, as I feel it will be helpful. The only "higher power" I can imagine is the power of group support and encouragement, which is why I'm here (and maybe this interpretation of the term is more than enough for me to work AA).

I'm not close with my family and I'm geographically separated from my partner, so it's just me here. I'm in the military which means that alcohol plays a dominant role at social gatherings. Today, for example, my commander and his wife have prepared a feast for us at their home, and I'm debating whether to go or not because I know there will be a surplus of alcohol. If I don't go, people will ask tomorrow why I didn't show up. I've decided to not go, and if anyone asks, tell them I wasn't feeling well and let it go at that.

On Tuesday, my division is going bowling as a holiday party, so...more drinking. Then, of course, the holidays loom, and two of my best friends are coming to spend Christmas with me, and--you guessed it--they're drinkers. For the past few months, I've spent a lot of time in Italy and since my drink of choice is dry red wine, I didn't even consider quitting then. And so on.

I've drunk heavily for years now. I don't remember when my drinking began to tip the scales from "a lot" to "insane," but it happened somewhere along the way. My partner (of over nine years) quit for quite some time this year, but when she came to visit, she slipped back into it. I'm not blaming myself for that, but I acknowledge the power of my influence. I'm quitting not only for me, but for her. That is, I've made a decision about myself, and if she chooses to quit as well, I will not be making it harder for her.

When she came to visit, she brought two books: Drinking: A Love Story, and Lit. I read Drinking first, and I saw myself. I kept drinking, though, in the rebellious fashion of those who are ordered by a judge to attend AA meetings and do so, then immediately go get furiously drunk. But it got me to thinking. I looked up some literature online on alcoholism and I perused the AA.org site. I failed the "ten questions" test, and I failed miserably. But I kept drinking--out of boredom, out of anger, out of defiance.

I read another book next, then turned to Lit, which I'm halfway through.

Again, I see myself. I am a high-functioning alcoholic. I am a solvent professional. I have never gotten a DUI (which is due to sheer luck). I'm not sure what "rock bottom" is, let alone whether it applies to me. I just know that I'm tired of this existence--I wouldn't call it a "life" anymore.

I've gotten to the point that I can easily down two bottles of wine an evening. I almost always do this at home, so most people aren't aware of how much alcohol I can and do put away. I don't always drink that much, but the fact that it isn't a big deal for me to drink that much is...frightening.

That's enough for now, I suppose. Thank you all in advance for being there.

least

Welcome to the family. :ghug3 YOu'll find a lot of support and useful information here. I gave it up for good two years ago and my life is now happy and fullfilling - which it never was when I was drinking. I hope we can help you stay sober - it's worth it!

Threshold

You really are in a pressure situation where bonding is important and many of those experiences involve drinking. There must be other recovering addicts around you, and it would be really helpful if you could identify a couple of them and be a support to one another. Keep your eyes and ears open. You might begin to notice that someone near you excuses themselves from these activities or passes on the booze and has soda or coffee instead.

I am in a situation similar to yours as far as isolation from support, but with considerably less pressure to drink/use. An overdose earlier this year pretty much outed me as a problem child so I don't have to make excuses why I don't drink and avoid the booze soaked parties and nightly pot sessions etc. A strange sort of inside out blessing.

I use the term "problem child" figuratively here, I'm 46 yrs old. I don't have NA meetings available, and I had similar concerns with 12 step programs as you do, but I have found the program to be a life saving frame work for my recovery and that, as they so often say, the steps are in order for a reason, as I work the program it makes sense and the things I projected as impossible issues get worked out.

The "higher power of our own understanding" thing is just that. My understanding grows with my experience. Honesty, open mindedness and willingness (to work the program NOT to accept someone's else's concept of "God") are all that is needed to use the steps to obtain recovery. If, upon further study, you don't find it working for you there are many other programs and methods, you can learn about those on this site as well.

Pete55

Welcome

The HP thing in AA today is all over the place as far as interpretation is concerned. But I like the bit that say's "as we understood Him"
So to me it is no longer a "fear" cos I know what it is really meant to be and only I know for myself.
Anything else is helping another suffering alcoholic that asks for help, and that's it.

Coming here to post helps me cos that's what I do to keep me sober to, by helping others that have taken the time to post looking for help over alcohol.

Powerless over alcohol, the very word "Powerless" is often misinterpreted to.
But it is not powerless over everything else, it is just that, "powerless over alcohol", meaning once I take that first drink, I am unable to stop from drinking more, because I physically crave more alcohol, therefore I am powerless to stop that craving.
If you crave more alcohol after the first drink, this is something only you can honestly ask and answer. When you are honest with yourself after asking that question or consideration, from my own experience it became easier to admit powerless, over alcohol. The clarity became obvious.

I know AA methods require a "power greater then ourselves".
That to in early sobriety seems clouded.
Coming to this forum is a good beginning of a power greater than yourself.
As the fog clears, it just gets better, that part is faith that so many here cannot all be wrong!
Just don't pick up the first drink, so the craving does not kick in.

I'm sure like myself, after a few days the restlessness starts again and the mind will think of a drink and play all sorts of tricks, especially this time of the year, all I can say is, "the power greater than yourself" is probably a option to consider. The action however is to come here and help other new comers or those early in sobriety, cos ya all probably going through the same thing.
I know I will!

Thanks for being here.

Cascabel

Thank you for your articulate post. Your struggle is similar to mine but without the isolation of being overseas and with the difference that I was sober for over 30 years before resuming drinking again. I am in my mid 70's and quit drinking for the first time when I was in my 40's. I quit for many of the same reasons you have listed: the need I felt to increase the amount I drank; the need I felt to hide from others how much I drank and the feeling that alcohol was beginning to interfere with my health and family life.

I started drinking again about 2 years ago at a stressful time in my life; my wife had serious health problems and drinking seemed to ease things. She has now recovered but I am struggling with stopping my drinking. I want to quit, I like myself better as a teetotaler, but can't seem to put together more than 2-3 sober weeks in a row.

I don't drink huge amounts, at least not according to some of the accounts I have read here. I will typically drink about a bottle of wine per day, sometimes more, starting in the late afternoon and finishing by dinner. But, I feel a constant desire to have more. I have no withdrawal symptoms when I quit although I seem to be less depressed and sleep better after a few days. My main problem is that I just can't seem to stick with quitting. Sober time will pass and I start thinking "what the hell, you were never a drunk, things weren't that bad, you can control what you drink" and then I fall off of the back of the wagon again.

Well, like you, I am quitting again today and will do my damnedest to stick with it this time. I wish you the best with your sobriety.

huntress

Cascabel,

30 years sober! That's awesome. You know you can do it, because you have done it.

Do you have any insight as to why you can't seem to go more than 2-3 weeks sober now?

I wish you the best with your sobriety, as well.

huntress

I'm at the end of day one, and I feel good. I don't expect any detox symptoms, but I'm braced for them, nonetheless. In my experience, it isn't the first day or two of sobriety that is hard; it's the one-week or two-week mark, when I start feeling in control.

One step at a time.

d

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

"High functioning" only refers to people who happen to have special needs (ie., developmental disabilities, Autism, Asperger's syndrome, etc.).

When it comes to alcoholism, we're all alcoholics. I know many "high functioning" crack addicts; they're just crack addicts. Some people make a lot of money, some don't. ALL alciholics are high functioning until they're dead. You aren't different.

Treat your alcoholism. You can stay stopped, too!

sugarbear1

alcoholics, not alciholics, typo.

Cascabel

No really clear idea why. I suspect that I get cocky and then slip into the "what the hell, you were never a drunk, things weren't that bad, you can control what you drink" mode and there is another try shot to hell. So, I just do as the song says: "I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again".

Dee74

Welcome huntress - and welcome back Cascabel

This place really helped me turn my life around - lots of support and ideas - it was particularly helpful for me when I hit the "what the hell, you were never a drunk, things weren't that bad, you can control what you drink" lie...

I found it's far more difficult to swallow that when you're reading and posting regularly here

D

huntress

It's 3am, and I'm awake. I dreamed there was a dog whimpering nearby--very nearby. I thought, "That's funny. The neighbor's dog has never sounded so close before." I drifted back into dreamland. Then I heard someone in the room with me, moving around. The sound was distinct.

I couldn't move or say anything for a moment--temporary sleep paralysis--then I sat up and turned on the light. No one was there, of course. My home is a fortress, and I know it.

So...that was a few hours past when I usually drink, so it matches the onset of detox.

I'm writing down these details because I don't want to forget them. And because hey...I'm awake now.

artsoul

Welcome huntress!

I regarded myself as "high functioning" too, which for me just meant that no one knew how miserable I was! I don't miss all the time/energy I spent trying to manage my drinking.

That's pretty much what dawned on me one day, too. I knew I'd have to quit "someday" but somehow the months/years kept adding up and nothing was changing. Finally I just said "why not get sober now and just get it over with?" I don't know where that bit of sanity came from, but I'm so grateful it did.

I'm glad you've joined us. I think you'll find it amazingly helpful!

EmeraldRose

Welcome Huntress...and Thank You for serving. I have 2 boys serving...one in Hawaii and one in Iraq. (Hopefully, he'll be back soon.)
There is a very fine line that you cross into alcoholism. There is no evident red flag waving with sirens blaring...it is that next bottle, the next glass we pour (if we even use a glass. It was more effective downing it from a bottle.) The difference I found was not waking up in the morning -but coming to. Not going to bed at night but passing out. Spending way too many obsessive thoughts on alcohol, trying to either hide, buy it or drinking it...life revolves around it. That's how I knew for sure.
But ya know, Huntress, since I stopped drinking only 11 months ago I have managed to regain my confidence in myself, my strength in my abilities as a human being and I have re-identified with my lost soul that was left wandering aimlessly through shadows of guilt and shame.
I'm sorry your partner can't be your rock to lean on...but it can be done alone. I did it alone. And Im a stubborn ol' capricorn.
Reclaim yourself and keep stopped -regardless of influences around you. Don't go to the holiday party if you feel it's a threat. You can make up somethng if you aren't comfortable. Don't take a chance, take back your life.
Wishing you peace and strength in the journey ahead.

Hevyn

Yes, thank you for your service Huntress - it is deeply appreciated.

I was also able to down alarming amounts in a day. A 30-pack of beer at the end of my drinking career - and even that didn't do the job. My tolerance was huge. (Imagine what it was doing to my liver & other organs.)

I also considered myself high functioning - but over time I became sloppy and stupid. I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "Alcoholism is a progressive disease". I never understood what that meant until I found myself headed to jail for my 3rd dui.

SR has been a miracle for me. I hope you will find it comforting and reassuring as you find your way out of your entanglement. We are behind you all the way.

huntress

In re: "high-functioning alcoholic"...

It is a well-known subtype (Google it if you doubt me; I tried including a link because I'm polite that way, but the board won't let me until I've made at least 15 posts). It is not a denial of alcoholism by any means, nor is it a "better type" of alcoholism--such a thing does not exist.

If, however, you wish to assert that there is "no such thing" as a high-functioning alcoholic, be my guest. Just please take it up with the experts.

huntress

In other news, Day 2 is going well, but we all know the hard part doesn't happen at work, but later, when wine o'clock rolls around.

I've downloaded the Big Book and am listening to it when I walk to work and back. It's pretty cheesy in a lot of places, but it still provides a lot of good insights. I think it is useful.

huntress

I used glasses, but I sometimes wondered why I bothered.

Caught myself making observations like this: You might be an alcoholic if...you have to do the dishes only because you've used every glass in the house.

Oh, she's helping me, all right. We stay in close contact. I would prefer she were physically with me, but a part of me is thankful that she isn't right now.

I find myself wondering if I ever had real confidence in myself.

EmeraldRose

Congratulations on making it to day 2. I repeated day one for years.
Once you get to your regularly scheduled drinking time have an escape. Have something to do. I know that's easy to say...but do jumping jacks or go run a mile...your craving will last approx 6 minutes (they say) so if you can get past one each time with no incidents then you're on your way.

As far as, the high functioning alcoholic, I believe that most are. I think that most true alcoholics that need to drink most of the day have leaerned to adapt their activities, work and functioning level to hide the addiction.
My ex used to say to me 'I can't believe that someone that drinks so much can function so well'. I considered it a gift. Now I consider it a weight of all the life lived while drinking and not really living but just going through the motions.

Keep swimming.

Zencat

I attend open AA meetings as an implicit atheist. A "Higher Power" of my understanding is "Helping People" as religion or quasi-religious spirituality is of no use to me. I found that I'm not alone in AA as I have found others that have a similar worldview as mine. There is a healing power in having sober friends that I can interact in the F2F world.

Also my daily addiction treatments include a wide array of healthy behaviors. CBT, SMART Recovery, reading and posting here at SoberRecovery.com forums offer up some very useful skills to apply to daily living. learning about addiction has helped too. It's useful to understand what it is that I'm dealing with so as to select the best treatments for my addiction.

Here are some of the resources that proved helpful for me: