huntress

Thanks for your in-depth thoughts, Itchy. I was beginning to believe it was just me.

While I've stopped drinking before from time to time, I never did it with the intent to quit for good until this time. I knew, like you did, that it was over forever the day I took that step. I'm aware of the "pink cloud" phenomenon, which is why I continue to read and post thoughts on recovery and observations about my alcoholism and sobriety. I don't want to get caught in my own over-confidence. At the same time, I'm still not struggling with urges and temptations like almost everyone else seems to.

I've closed the door and locked it. It's done. I have other things to addict myself to, those things I want to do before I die:

- Read as many of the classics as I can.
- Learn to play classical guitar.
- Become at least conversant in Turkish (since I live here and am immersed in it, it seems like a reasonable goal)
- Become a better-than-average chess player
- Write again. Write seriously. Eventually publish.
- Enjoy music.
- Tour and sightsee where and when I have the opportunity (which I have lots of now).
- Maybe even take up painting someday. I was a passable artist when I was young, but for some reason I didn't embrace my creative side. And painting looks fun.

I can't do these things while I'm drinking. Not really. I'm busy with other things now. I honestly don't have the time to drink.

(That reminds me of a time, about 15 years ago, when I was well taken care of and didn't have to work. I quit work, then immediately sank into a nasty depression. It was weird, really; it was like I needed the daily routine or something. A couple of months later, I came to my senses and began to pursue my interests--all those interests I'd planned to do "someday when I had time" but still somehow hadn't gotten around to. Within a couple of weeks, I wondered how I ever found time to work in the first place, because I had so much to do and more that I wanted to do that I simply didn't have the time for. This, I think, is the same.)

d

Sapling

Huntress wrote...

I understand doing it "one day at a time" in the beginning--through the withdrawals and while you're developing new habits and discovering new interests--but I can't imagine living the rest of my life focusing on not drinking today.

Hey Huntress...Happy new year. I work the program of AA and having had a spiritual awakening...(entire psychic change) as a result of honestly and thoroughly taking those 12 steps...This is one promise of many that has come true for me...

Pg 84-85 BB

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

This happened for me...The "one day at a time" has a lot more to do with living for me...Than drinking...I don't fight that anymore. The alcohol has been removed. I have a lot of work to do on the "ism" part of the problem. I simply practice being a more useful and better human being every day...One day at a time.

huntress

Now there's a "one day at a time" philosophy I can get behind.

d

munchkin05

Okay, I'm going to have to borrow THIS idea! Hope you don't mind. Of course my list may have some different things on it.


I agree with you on the one day at a time bit. When I was newly sober that made sense but now, like you, I want to drench myself in all the things that I could never do unless I was sober. There is so much I'd like to do but alcohol always got in the way.

doggonecarl

I view recovery much like I view a person's journey to spiritual enlightenment. There are a lot of different ways to attain it--a lot of paths to the top of the mountain--so to speak.

Some folks here can't grasp, for whatever reason, that quitting means quitting forever. So their journey is one day at a time. I don't get it, but I accept that it works for them.

Like you, my recovery really began when I accepted--fully and without question--that quitting alcohol meant forever. That was very freeing for me. But I can also accept that such a concept is a foreign one to many.

There are many paths to recovery. I wish you success on the journey you are taking.

Jabbadabutt

Good to hear things are going well. I passed the one year mark thanks to a ton of work and support. In the beginning I set a "goal" of one year. It was tangible to me and therefore "doable". Setting a goal of forever just was too much to grasp. However, from day one, I was able to see the danger in not setting a goal of forever. It sets you up to one day make it okay to drink again. It is part of the disease. On day 2, I acknowledged the danger and still set my path ahead of me. I knew I could do it if I wanted to. And I did. I did it. Now what >>???? Wel.....I'm still 100% sober today. I have not yet re-evaluated things to set another goal. I am not sure I will. I am not sure i have to. I knew what I had to do to get far enough out of the abyss to be able to breathe again. It is one day at a time, in a different way. Alcohol is simply not part of my life today. Just my thoughts......

huntress

doggonecarl,

I agree completely that different people have different paths, and I encourage all to take the paths that work for them. What bothers me (if I may use such a strong word, but I can't think of a milder one) is that you don't really hear about people who just quit and got on with life. Leaving the bottle is almost always presented as a struggle punctuated by repeated failures and "spiritual emptiness" (whatever that means).

Then again, quitting and moving on doesn't make a very interesting story, does it? It also doesn't help recovery organizations thrive.

Then again, maybe some of us are just weird and I'm an incurable cynic.

d

doggonecarl

I admit, I have found myself frustrated at the failed attempts and struggles of many, but I have to remember, these folks aren't trying to fail, they are dealing with an addiction, the same one I dealt with, albeit successfully. I have to be careful about getting too prideful in my recovery.

As far as not hearing from folks who quit and got on with life...I think there are plenty of examples on SR, long-time sober members who give their time and experience to new comers. This is "getting on with their life" for them...for me!

When you think about it, most alcoholics don't seek recovery. Of the percentage that do get sober, I would think a very small amount of them join SR. So our visibility to those who have "quit and got on with life" is limited. I'm sure they are out there. SR isn't for them. SR is for the struggling, the spiritually empty.

PaleMale

Great thread, Huntress. I've enjoyed reading the whole thing.

I have to chime in and mention guitar has been a huge part of my sobriety. Previously, I played a little, mostly punk music, but in sobriety I've found blues and very challenging jazz guitar (Joe Pass, Wes Montgomery) playing, learning to read music, music theory and playing things I could only dream of previously has been an immense help.

I play guitar everyday from 1-5 hours a day. My wife doesn't mind, as I play while we watch shows (quietly). It's as- or more- relaxing than a good workout. It's hard, and frustrating, but with clear rewards and a touch of euphoria. Now, I bring a guitar with me when ever I travel. If I can't bring a guitar, I bring a couple keys of diatonic harmonicas!

Congrats on your growing sobriety! It seems you really see it properly as priority and obsession Number One (you don't have to tell people that!)

All the best!

SoCalDude

I agree with PM above, I read the entire thing, very inspirational. Keep it up huntress You're helping keep me motivated and on track!

MentalLoop

I'm a one day at a timer....The logic of what you say is spot on Huntress. And i think you hit the nail right on the head with me, if you accept that you just can't drink forever, then what is this one day at a time business? Well - in my case, my brain tells me it's forever, but my habits, my cravings, my delusionally fond memories are daily. Tomorrow's sobriety requirement is a certainty for me, as is the fact that tomorrow will come. But for a moment, if you accept the fact that tomorrow is guaranteed to come (death notwithstanding), and that there will be in the near term another struggle then; then rather than get overwhelmed by the thought of failing for tomorrow, let me worry about today. I will tackle the inevitable...well tomorrow. For right now, let me worry about getting through the night.

I CONCEDE BEFORE ANYBODY SAYS IT....the end game is that this no longer becomes a daily, weekly or monthly thought. It simply is, and as such not to be focused on. There are many other life pleasures as you have so eloquently pointed out. Until then, I won't be drinking today.

PS - Little confession, i think i'm closer to the forever point than my words may let on. But that has been a recent phenomenon in the last week or so. I guess I might be crossing over to the right side of sobriety

huntress

It's possible you are understanding something different from what I mean. It's not that I'm frustrated with people's failed attempts and struggles. I accept that they have them, and I'm rooting for them, too. I certainly don't mean to set myself up as better than they are.

I was wondering why I just don't hear about the people who don't struggle, who just leave the bottle and move on. (I wasn't limiting my thoughts to SR, btw. I was speaking in general.)

Nah. SR is for quitters, period.

d

huntress

Awesome! Another playa!

I just got my new guitar in the mail today. It's lovely, feels good, and sounds nice. I've ordered a book to start teaching myself classical guitar and how to read music. While I await the book (which I expected to be here first), I'm doing drills to strengthen my fingers, teach myself good form, etc. At this point, I don't care how I play, as long as I'm working on something.

Hm. Maybe that's the secret to happiness.

d

Itchy

Hey Huntress!
I already did all of your bucket list but I am a lot older too. I learned to play guitar at age 12 and I will be 60 next year. I also realized very young that there was a trick to getting older without becoming a cynic or a grump. I read it once and never forgot it. The trick is not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Most decide adulthood involves none of the pleasure of childhood and all of the responsibilities. I realized that the trick is to lose the childish behaviors and thoughts, but keep the child-like sense of wonder. Which I did. I have already had young folks say that Oh! You write younger! And slink away!
I get that a lot in person too. (I didn't realize you were that old!)

Setting up a bucket list AND ACTUALLY DOING IT, can regain your child like sense of wonder. Because daring to dream is it!

I already played guitar and professionally to boot. Singer songwriter. Speak three languages and little of a few others. (I was also a brat, went to kindergarten & 1st grade in Bogota, Colombia, in a language I never spoke before, as my second one, German while stationed there and some French.)

The key here is that I did those things and was not afraid to remember my dreams and do them. I have quite literally done it all and owned it all. And am now in the pass it forward phase which I was doing all along as well. I no longer own Porsche's or Mercedes', and don't want or need a big house. I do not need to work ever again if I choose but am not rich by any stretch.

You nailed another similarity huntress.

I started drinking the most and began the big downhill slide when I decided to retire again three years ago at 57. It turns out that I need that routine too! I retired my first time at 45 and we traveled in an RV full time for 7 years so I kept busy with that back then. Then I built another company for my last. They wanted me to step up to CEO and I was not going to continue the stress of 18 hour days six days a week anymore. So I retired and even though a heavy drinker before but not during work hours, and few hangovers I went over the cliff then. After almost two years of that hell I recovered 15 months ago.

I am getting rid of the stuff I seem to accumulate so easily that others put so much value on now. Not all of it but all the "bling" if you will. There is no danger of my relapsing now, and yes I have thought that I could probably drink normally now and then laugh at that thought because I don't need to drink alcohol now at all! It is out of my life. I once owned a Porsche 911 that I restored to new and was paid for. After enjoying it for a year and a half I sold it. My friends would all be shocked that I was selling it and kept saying how can you sell that??? I knew what they were saying and was disappointed with some of them for the stinking thinking they were doing. So I played them along by saying well I just put an ad in the paper and people call me and . . . " NOooo they would repeat I mean how can you get rid of it, it is a 911? See what they were saying is that they could never sell it because it was status and would . . what? As if a hunk of metal and rubber would make me better, stronger, sexier, thinner, more muscular, younger, older, what? IT IS A HUNK OF METAL! Only I can make me better. Some of the least worthy people I know have them, as well as some of the best. They aren't separated by the car, but once you get to the person.

So more than the job, or the activity, we need to also know where we are going. Because if we don't know where we are going, we will surely end up some place else. To find that place to go, or make our own bucket list, involves allowing our child-like sense of wonder to come back. Only with that can we dare to believe that we can achieve, our dreams.

Alcohol is the anti-childlike. It is the wrong child, the childish.

munchkin05

Haha, Itchy I guessed right though on your age. But it helps that once you told me the ages of your kids. LOL

Itchy

Yeppers you did I guess.
Some of the folks younger than their 30s may not yet realize that we only really age outwardly. Inside we stay the same as we were at 27 or so, the age of personality crystallization give or take. I am shocked every time I look in a mirror. Who the heck is that old . . oops! Not a stranger that snuck up behind, just me.

Exploring

I've been following along huntress. Glad things are going well for you!!

huntress

Today, I went in for my yearly checkup (rather, the military version, called a Preventative Health Assessment--although why you'd want to prevent health, I don't know). In the past few years, my blood pressure has been in the pre-hypertension range (in my case, either 134/88 or 125/92; systolic over 130 or diastolic over 90 is cause for concern, even though it isn't in the hypertension stage yet). I've always been very athletic, so I was, of course, alarmed with my blood pressure issues. I naturally didn't seriously consider not drinking, even though I was quite sure it would drop my BP pretty quickly.

Also, my pulse is naturally pretty low, thanks to heredity and lots of physical exercise through the years, but (again) usually clocked in above 80 in the past few years.

Well, this morning--after an entire pot of coffee, no less--my BP was 115/63, with a pulse of 65.

Stoked, I am.

Plus, as a side line, it was wonderful to just say, "I don't drink" on the questionaire. When you say that, they don't ask any further questions about your drinking, either. Who knew?

d

huntress

I've told the occasional friend that I quit drinking, and they all respond the same way: "Why?"

This threw me for a loop the first few times--I mean, most of these people have seen me drink--but I think I understand why people ask this. Their experience falls into one of two categories:

1. Most people, I think, don't know an alcoholic when they see one. To recognize an alcoholic, people must either be one themselves (and acknowledge their own alcoholism) or they must be close to one or more alcoholics. Normal people can tell a drunk, but developing the spidey sense to spot alcoholics seems to require personal experience. The people who don't know what "alcoholic" really means ask why I've quit because they simply don't understand why someone might swear off the booze for good.

2. The rest, the alcoholics and the friends/family of alcoholics, ask the same question to get a feel for where I'm at in my recovery. Where is my head? Am I quitting just to see if I can? Am I trying to lose weight? Did I make a bet with someone? Or have I faced myself finally and acknowledged that I am an alcoholic and simply cannot drink?

I haven't been offended that people ask me why I quit, but it has been puzzling me.

d

Dee74

yeah - for me, I think most people assumed that falling down drunk Dee was an aberration - whereas it was actually the norm.

For my drinking buddies, although several people assured me I 'didn't need to quit', noone ever asked why LOL...it was too much like looking in a mirror I guess?

D