I came clean
 

I finally admitted to my sponsor and two other friends in AA that I relapsed the weekend of 11/11. I had let them believe that my sobriety date was still 10/10/11. This had been keeping me up at night and causing me extreme anxiety. Tomorrow will be day 25, but I am picking up a white chip and sharing in the meeting about my dishonesty to myself and others. It is a miracle that I have been able to keep this secret and not drink over it for three weeks. (Thank you, God)

I have legal consequences though. I failed an ETG alcohol test at my alcohol group therapy that is mandated by my probation. I am praying every morning and night about this. I will just have to accept whatever happens and try to learn from it.

The biggest thing I have to learn is to THINK before I drink and actually CALL SOMEONE when I want to drink. Why can't I learn this? :c004:

It's just what we have to do to get where we're going. Good job on admitting that...Holding that stuff in will kill you. Honesty is what its' all about.

I think you are learning it, Elizabeth. It takes a few tries sometimes. I finally realized that picking up always led to disaster and danger - there was never any control for me. It was a huge relief to finally be free of it - I was in prison for so long.

I'm sure you feel much better telling what happened in November. You can do this!

Good for you. I admire your honesty.

I also have a hard time picking up the phone before I pick up a drink. It's like this thing in my mind goes off that I'm going to drink and that's that. There's no in between thinking. It seems like it's settled at that very moment. Something I'm trying to work on as well. Good luck! :)

congratulations on your honesty Elizabeth.
I hope you have learnt that lesson - to reach out to someone first - for good now :)

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I don't know why I have never let someone try to talk me out of it. It would probably work.

My sponsor had me write down a list of consequences and possible consequences of my last drinking session. And they are many. Not one thing has ever resulted in something good from my drinking.

Kinda the basis of this site really :)
This community has saved my bacon more than once :)

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I never called people because I knew they were going to tell me not to drink and that's exactly what I wanted to do at the time.

Me too, Jay. It's insane.

The old 1000 pound phone...Get's you every time. I had a guy yesterday that had 6 months and he had to get a white chip....Did you see the reading in the 24 hour book yesterday?

I did, Sapling. It has been about slips for quite a few days now.

Elisabeth,

When my craving was so strong and I went through the motions in my mind about the conseqences if I did have that drink, having to go back to square one put me off. I wondered if I would tell anybody and that seemed such a drag.

I see progress, you were honest both to the group and yourself.

All the best
CaiHong

I have to be honest with the group tomorrow. :)

Not looking forward to it, but I know my pride is what is standing in my way of staying sober. I need to share honestly, from the heart. I need to quit telling my sponsor "I am fine" when, in fact, I am not. And I do that 90% of the time.

I wonder if we're all that way? I always worried about disappointing people and I've never been good at asking for help either.

Ironically, when we admit to being human, it makes us more approachable - more real. There may be someone at the meeting tomorrow that needs to hear exactly what you have to say, ya know? And you'll be happy with yourself, which is really the prize anyway!:a122:

Let me tell you a little story Elizabeth. I heard a speaker that was going to meetings...collecting his chips and going home and drinking after every meeting..He was coming up on his two year anniversary and he said he was about to commit suicide it was eating him up so bad....And when they called his name to get his two year medallion...He came up and asked for a white chip and told the group the truth. He has 15 years sober today. I think you will be able to handle it...And grow from it.

Ok, I picked up a white chip today and explained how I had been dishonest and let my pride get in the way of picking one up 26 days ago.

I went on to share that I have been trying to avoid sharing my true feelings as well as how I am *really* doing with the group.

I can't do it alone anymore. If I don't swallow my pride and admit that I am not perfect and made of steel, I will never stay sober. I have to ask for and accept help from others.

I am glad AA is a "we" program.

Elisabeth I also came clean and am new to SR. First Post. Had 8 years after treatment and white knuckled it. Went out after an "is that all there is" moment and used back pain as a means to open the door. Never went to the horror of incessant 24 hour vodka (by the grace of God) but could see it leading there. Went back to treatment a year ago to get off oxycontin and made it only 11 months. I read that I was focused on repairing the wreckage instead of focusing on my sobriety. Again it was very small amounts, but came clean to my buddies in my home group.

I embrace the acceptance part of AA and I know I am powerless over alcohol and much of life. I finally scheduled my 4th and 5th step the next 2 weekends - never did it - and in my heart believe this last time was part of the process. have been lurking here and and finally posted.

Welcome and congratulations Bobby! Doesn't it feel good to be honest? I can't live like I did anymore. It was just miserable.

Keep posting!!

Welcome to SR bobbycola :)

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