"Success"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
"Success"
All my life I have used "success" as some external driving factor... like, focusing on reaching the next goal as a means of escape from living in the present. I have what many people would consider a successful/powerful career and a good job. But it doesn't feel like me. It feels like I was just running towards "image" and "status" because I didn't know who I was or what I wanted.
To top it all off, I have an anxiety-related sleep disorder that is triggered by stress. All my life doctors have told me to avoid stress, and, what did I do? I went and obtained a very stressful career for myself. It's inherently stressful but then I add on to my own stress by not doing things the right way or taking too long/procrastinating, because I don't really want to be doing this. I would like a personality change, to be more calm, peaceful and accepting of things, instead of always chasing whatever is supposed to be next and never being happy with what I have. I guess I am just sharing some thoughts I have been having. Thanks for listening. I am realizing how I am but I'm not sure how to change it. How does a maniacal person like me who is drawn to stress and self-pressure become more relaxed and self-accepting? It seems like where I am, and where I want to be, are night and day, although I do see that I'm making progress, which gives me hope.
To top it all off, I have an anxiety-related sleep disorder that is triggered by stress. All my life doctors have told me to avoid stress, and, what did I do? I went and obtained a very stressful career for myself. It's inherently stressful but then I add on to my own stress by not doing things the right way or taking too long/procrastinating, because I don't really want to be doing this. I would like a personality change, to be more calm, peaceful and accepting of things, instead of always chasing whatever is supposed to be next and never being happy with what I have. I guess I am just sharing some thoughts I have been having. Thanks for listening. I am realizing how I am but I'm not sure how to change it. How does a maniacal person like me who is drawn to stress and self-pressure become more relaxed and self-accepting? It seems like where I am, and where I want to be, are night and day, although I do see that I'm making progress, which gives me hope.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,500
Pigtails, that was me, too.
Chronic insomia due to anxiety, yet always adding pressure to my life by doing what I should do, rather than what I wanted to do. Keeping up pretenses of being in control - that was so important to me. People who knew me thought that I managed everything perfectly. The truth was, I hated who I had become, because it wasn't me.
I had to my bottom before the core of 'me' began to emerge. I remember reading Mia Farrow's memoir 'What Falls Away', and that was what happened to me. Everything that was extraneous to my happiness and well-being fell away and I began to put my life together in a way that was meaningful to me. I don't work in the same field anymore, I refuse steadfastly to take on any extra stress that people try to put on me, and more than anything, I know I need balance in my life.
You can meet and become the person you want to be. She is there, wanting to grow and learn and live a purposeful life.
Chronic insomia due to anxiety, yet always adding pressure to my life by doing what I should do, rather than what I wanted to do. Keeping up pretenses of being in control - that was so important to me. People who knew me thought that I managed everything perfectly. The truth was, I hated who I had become, because it wasn't me.
I had to my bottom before the core of 'me' began to emerge. I remember reading Mia Farrow's memoir 'What Falls Away', and that was what happened to me. Everything that was extraneous to my happiness and well-being fell away and I began to put my life together in a way that was meaningful to me. I don't work in the same field anymore, I refuse steadfastly to take on any extra stress that people try to put on me, and more than anything, I know I need balance in my life.
You can meet and become the person you want to be. She is there, wanting to grow and learn and live a purposeful life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by Anna 
Pigtails, that was me, too.
Chronic insomia due to anxiety, yet always adding pressure to my life by doing what I should do, rather than what I wanted to do. Keeping up pretenses of being in control - that was so important to me. People who knew me thought that I managed everything perfectly. The truth was, I hated who I had become, because it wasn't me.
I had to my bottom before the core of 'me' began to emerge. I remember reading Mia Farrow's memoir 'What Falls Away', and that was what happened to me. Everything that was extraneous to my happiness and well-being fell away and I began to put my life together in a way that was meaningful to me. I don't work in the same field anymore, I refuse steadfastly to take on any extra stress that people try to put on me, and more than anything, I know I need balance in my life.
You can meet and become the person you want to be. She is there, wanting to grow and learn and live a purposeful life.
Chronic insomia due to anxiety, yet always adding pressure to my life by doing what I should do, rather than what I wanted to do. Keeping up pretenses of being in control - that was so important to me. People who knew me thought that I managed everything perfectly. The truth was, I hated who I had become, because it wasn't me.
I had to my bottom before the core of 'me' began to emerge. I remember reading Mia Farrow's memoir 'What Falls Away', and that was what happened to me. Everything that was extraneous to my happiness and well-being fell away and I began to put my life together in a way that was meaningful to me. I don't work in the same field anymore, I refuse steadfastly to take on any extra stress that people try to put on me, and more than anything, I know I need balance in my life.
You can meet and become the person you want to be. She is there, wanting to grow and learn and live a purposeful life.
It sounds like a good book too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 111
I consider myself to be a functioning alcoholic in many ways. I was able to hold a good, high-paying job for a long time before I got laid off for economic/business climate reasons.
You can hide it, but it will catch up with you somehow. For me, I was drinking more or less all the time I wasn't at work. Which left very little time for hobbies. I felt like I was stuck at work ALL the time. I was working some decently long hours, but the primary reason was that I was just drunk or passed out all the time, so I never had any "time" for myself, and couldn't accomplish anything. Glad you found the desire to get out of that cycle.
I have to add that despite not having any diagnosed "disorders", I can confidently tell you that anyone telling you to "avoid stress" is giving you dumb advice. Find a way to balance and manage it, but don't turtle up just because life can get tough.
You can hide it, but it will catch up with you somehow. For me, I was drinking more or less all the time I wasn't at work. Which left very little time for hobbies. I felt like I was stuck at work ALL the time. I was working some decently long hours, but the primary reason was that I was just drunk or passed out all the time, so I never had any "time" for myself, and couldn't accomplish anything. Glad you found the desire to get out of that cycle.
I have to add that despite not having any diagnosed "disorders", I can confidently tell you that anyone telling you to "avoid stress" is giving you dumb advice. Find a way to balance and manage it, but don't turtle up just because life can get tough.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Pigtails,
Most of us who were high functioning alcoholics were the same, as for the rest they were too.
I like AA as a vehicle, and you can pursue the goal any way you like. But it is inside. If you will bear with me let me explain. The reason AA works for many who work it is that many people need a life coach that has been through what they have. But the coach must have no agenda, or be about ego or profit. That is the same as any Mentor/Protege relationship.
But take this example. Two people agree to learn to sky dive, go through the class, and jump out of the plane. One screams in sheer terror all the way down and barely is able to pull the rip cord, and swears that was the most terrifying experience of her life and will never do that again.
The other also experienced the same thing but perceived it as exhilarating and something she wanted to again, immediately, and paid for another drop.
You see under stress we do fight or flight and get a rush of adrenaline. Depending on the circumstances the rush with the accompanying trembling and energy may be exciting or terrifying. You see fight or flight is autonomic, not a reasoned response. So we tend to interpret it as bad a lot of the time and for those who learn differently can enjoy it, and some become adrenaline junkies.
Think of public speaking which I do well. Many get to the podium and feel the adrenaline and freeze up from the shakes. I feel the same adrenaline but I use it and it comes across as energy and positive excitement or self confidence depending on how I ride the adrenaline or need to. The day I feel nothing walking onto a podium to teach or speak is the day no one will want to hear me.
It isn't just what you do pigtails. For one being a public speaker is unthinkable, for another not only profitable but enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong your perceptions are valid as all perceptions are valid, for you. But there are two types of stress. Dis stress (Distress) which is the negative kind like when we have a gun pointed at us and can trigger us to violence, or freeze us in place unable to act.
And Eustress which is the same thing but perceived as good. Some examples of Eustress are being terrified of public speaking and on stage to receive an award. It is exciting not terrifying. For me bungie jumping is distress. For another Eustress.
The same thing happens to us both, and we have opposite interpretations of the adrenaline rush.
We have to re-examine our premises as well as our professions because usually it is ourselves and not the profession that is causing the distress.
Please don't take that as a suck it up and smile kind of blowing flowers up your butt.
That is the value of these forums and analysis with a good analyst, counseling with a good counselor, and groups like AA. Feedback, and re-examining basic premises.
Find the set, and setting that works for you. But it takes more than just getting sober or we end up back at the beginning and repeat the mistake of running from one problem after another until we realize only we are living our own life.
And then we learn it. No matter where we run, or how far we run (or how much we drink,) we always bring ourselves with us.
The hard part isn't changing once you are ready. The hard part is choosing. You see, suddenly there are no limits. You have removed the ones you put on yourself, and adjusted the limits to not hurt but help. That is called self discipline.
In psych the most misunderstood term can be negative reinforcement. Many think it is the stick in carrot and stick -totally wrong. All you need to do is some negative reinforcement, once you learn what that is exactly with some googling yourself. Then you will see what I mean in about ten minutes.
You will have a hard time getting loosened up as we all do at first. But highly successful people who are willing to work instead of coast are also the fastest learners. Ever notice some at the top are miserable bastaards?
While others are a joy to be around? 
Most of us who were high functioning alcoholics were the same, as for the rest they were too.
I like AA as a vehicle, and you can pursue the goal any way you like. But it is inside. If you will bear with me let me explain. The reason AA works for many who work it is that many people need a life coach that has been through what they have. But the coach must have no agenda, or be about ego or profit. That is the same as any Mentor/Protege relationship.
But take this example. Two people agree to learn to sky dive, go through the class, and jump out of the plane. One screams in sheer terror all the way down and barely is able to pull the rip cord, and swears that was the most terrifying experience of her life and will never do that again.
The other also experienced the same thing but perceived it as exhilarating and something she wanted to again, immediately, and paid for another drop.
You see under stress we do fight or flight and get a rush of adrenaline. Depending on the circumstances the rush with the accompanying trembling and energy may be exciting or terrifying. You see fight or flight is autonomic, not a reasoned response. So we tend to interpret it as bad a lot of the time and for those who learn differently can enjoy it, and some become adrenaline junkies.
Think of public speaking which I do well. Many get to the podium and feel the adrenaline and freeze up from the shakes. I feel the same adrenaline but I use it and it comes across as energy and positive excitement or self confidence depending on how I ride the adrenaline or need to. The day I feel nothing walking onto a podium to teach or speak is the day no one will want to hear me.
It isn't just what you do pigtails. For one being a public speaker is unthinkable, for another not only profitable but enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong your perceptions are valid as all perceptions are valid, for you. But there are two types of stress. Dis stress (Distress) which is the negative kind like when we have a gun pointed at us and can trigger us to violence, or freeze us in place unable to act.
And Eustress which is the same thing but perceived as good. Some examples of Eustress are being terrified of public speaking and on stage to receive an award. It is exciting not terrifying. For me bungie jumping is distress. For another Eustress.
The same thing happens to us both, and we have opposite interpretations of the adrenaline rush.
We have to re-examine our premises as well as our professions because usually it is ourselves and not the profession that is causing the distress.
Please don't take that as a suck it up and smile kind of blowing flowers up your butt.
That is the value of these forums and analysis with a good analyst, counseling with a good counselor, and groups like AA. Feedback, and re-examining basic premises.
Find the set, and setting that works for you. But it takes more than just getting sober or we end up back at the beginning and repeat the mistake of running from one problem after another until we realize only we are living our own life.
And then we learn it. No matter where we run, or how far we run (or how much we drink,) we always bring ourselves with us.
The hard part isn't changing once you are ready. The hard part is choosing. You see, suddenly there are no limits. You have removed the ones you put on yourself, and adjusted the limits to not hurt but help. That is called self discipline.
In psych the most misunderstood term can be negative reinforcement. Many think it is the stick in carrot and stick -totally wrong. All you need to do is some negative reinforcement, once you learn what that is exactly with some googling yourself. Then you will see what I mean in about ten minutes.
You will have a hard time getting loosened up as we all do at first. But highly successful people who are willing to work instead of coast are also the fastest learners. Ever notice some at the top are miserable bastaards?
While others are a joy to be around? instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Pigtails. I am now at 7 months learning that I have to give up the idea that I should never feel bad, and the idea that the world needs to do it my way.
Paradoxically I seem to be more effective at work. The thing I have noticed thought is that my engagement has a different quality, I take in more, and am more flexible with others.
Paradoxically I seem to be more effective at work. The thing I have noticed thought is that my engagement has a different quality, I take in more, and am more flexible with others.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,966
I suggest you stop blowing up the ego & become a bit humble. Do you meditate yet? What step are you & your sponsor working on? Get a sponsor, if you haven't yet done it.
"High functioning" is a delusional rationalization.
"High functioning" is a delusional rationalization.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I'm with Anna
I was a very driven person - always looking to control things, to be ahead of events, to be impressive to people - not in an arrogant way but an insecure one.
It was vital to me to be needed, like and loved.
I was so many Dees to so many different people.
I was STRESSED. Who wouldn't be with juggling all those balls?
I look back now and see that was fear driving me. One of the reasons I started drinking, I think, was to deal with that fear/stress nexus.
If I've learned anything in recovery it's that I'm me - and I'm ok with that
I'm comfortable with who I am and I'm in touch with what's right for me - I can disagree with people now and be ok with it, people may not like me, and that's ok too.
I can say no and not feel guilty.
I made a lot of changes in my life - some are still ongoing - but they were genuine changes according to what I really wanted and thought was best for me.
I'm a lot less stressed and a lot more happy nowadays
you can get there too PT
D
I was a very driven person - always looking to control things, to be ahead of events, to be impressive to people - not in an arrogant way but an insecure one.
It was vital to me to be needed, like and loved.
I was so many Dees to so many different people.
I was STRESSED. Who wouldn't be with juggling all those balls?
I look back now and see that was fear driving me. One of the reasons I started drinking, I think, was to deal with that fear/stress nexus.
If I've learned anything in recovery it's that I'm me - and I'm ok with that
I'm comfortable with who I am and I'm in touch with what's right for me - I can disagree with people now and be ok with it, people may not like me, and that's ok too.
I can say no and not feel guilty.
I made a lot of changes in my life - some are still ongoing - but they were genuine changes according to what I really wanted and thought was best for me.
I'm a lot less stressed and a lot more happy nowadays
you can get there too PT
D
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