Hello all, new here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 9
Hello all, new here.
Hey there, I posted this in the Women's section, but then realized I should've put it up here. Happy to have found this board.
Been reading through the posts the last hour or so and I am so encouraged already. It's so reassuring to see others (especially fellow women and moms) who have experienced what I have, the wondering, the confusion, the justification, the exhaustion of it all - and that they will know where I'm coming from.
Briefly, (hopefully, lol) I'm a very happily married mom of 3. We've been married for 10 years this month, and he is honestly my best friend. My boys are the loves of my life. They can be taxing at times, especially my son who has Asperger's Syndrome, but they are really good kids, well liked in school, academic achievers.
I can't remember when drinking became an issue for me. Maybe in my mid 20s. My husband and I would experiment making cocktails, and he would have 1 and I would have 2. For all 3 of my pregnancies, I would not drink a sip once I found out I was pg. This wasn't even really a struggle, it was something I knew I had to do, and I did it. However, once the babies were born, I started to look forward to having a drink here and there again. Next thing I knew, it was back to being a habit. Another member (munchkin05) wrote something I read today that I totally related to - how I am now, and how I've been for a couple of years. While cooking dinner, I'll unwind with a big glass of wine, seamlessly handling everything like SuperMom - helping kids happily with homework, doing housework, getting things straightened up while waiting for my husband to get home from work. Once he's home, glass or two of wine with dinner (he always has a glass too). After that, time to fix myself either a large cocktail or pour another glass or two of wine. This stretches over a couple of hours until bedtime. But there's a lot of sneaking. Pouring just a teeny bit more wine into my glass on many occasions so it's not evident that I'm serving myself more. Or getting a refill on, say, a gin and tonic and not getting ice cubes for the second one because I don't want my husband to hear them hitting the glass and know I'm serving myself another one.
I never get black out drunk, I never stumble around or vomit or anything. I don't get violent or angry or swear. But I do sometimes forget what I watched on tv that night. And it's hard for me to go a night without at least one drink (although I do it sometimes) and I think about it a LOT during the day. I can go out to dinner with family and not drink at all - or if I go out with my husband I can do just one drink. It's once I'm home that this other side comes out. And I know that my portions are hefty too - even if I just have one cocktail, it'll be a strong one. And I remember a quote that the character Leo McGarry (a recovering alcoholic) made on The West Wing once - he talked about how when you're an alcoholic, you can't understand it when people don't want another drink, and you don't understand how someone could leave wine in their glass at the dinner table. I must say, those definitely apply to me.
I think I have to do some soul searching and decide whether a plan of moderation drinking would work, or whether I need to just quit. I really do want to be able to drink socially, especially since I ALWAYS keep it under control socially.
Looking forward to getting to know more of you and gain from your experience. Thanks for having me.
Been reading through the posts the last hour or so and I am so encouraged already. It's so reassuring to see others (especially fellow women and moms) who have experienced what I have, the wondering, the confusion, the justification, the exhaustion of it all - and that they will know where I'm coming from.
Briefly, (hopefully, lol) I'm a very happily married mom of 3. We've been married for 10 years this month, and he is honestly my best friend. My boys are the loves of my life. They can be taxing at times, especially my son who has Asperger's Syndrome, but they are really good kids, well liked in school, academic achievers.
I can't remember when drinking became an issue for me. Maybe in my mid 20s. My husband and I would experiment making cocktails, and he would have 1 and I would have 2. For all 3 of my pregnancies, I would not drink a sip once I found out I was pg. This wasn't even really a struggle, it was something I knew I had to do, and I did it. However, once the babies were born, I started to look forward to having a drink here and there again. Next thing I knew, it was back to being a habit. Another member (munchkin05) wrote something I read today that I totally related to - how I am now, and how I've been for a couple of years. While cooking dinner, I'll unwind with a big glass of wine, seamlessly handling everything like SuperMom - helping kids happily with homework, doing housework, getting things straightened up while waiting for my husband to get home from work. Once he's home, glass or two of wine with dinner (he always has a glass too). After that, time to fix myself either a large cocktail or pour another glass or two of wine. This stretches over a couple of hours until bedtime. But there's a lot of sneaking. Pouring just a teeny bit more wine into my glass on many occasions so it's not evident that I'm serving myself more. Or getting a refill on, say, a gin and tonic and not getting ice cubes for the second one because I don't want my husband to hear them hitting the glass and know I'm serving myself another one.
I never get black out drunk, I never stumble around or vomit or anything. I don't get violent or angry or swear. But I do sometimes forget what I watched on tv that night. And it's hard for me to go a night without at least one drink (although I do it sometimes) and I think about it a LOT during the day. I can go out to dinner with family and not drink at all - or if I go out with my husband I can do just one drink. It's once I'm home that this other side comes out. And I know that my portions are hefty too - even if I just have one cocktail, it'll be a strong one. And I remember a quote that the character Leo McGarry (a recovering alcoholic) made on The West Wing once - he talked about how when you're an alcoholic, you can't understand it when people don't want another drink, and you don't understand how someone could leave wine in their glass at the dinner table. I must say, those definitely apply to me.
I think I have to do some soul searching and decide whether a plan of moderation drinking would work, or whether I need to just quit. I really do want to be able to drink socially, especially since I ALWAYS keep it under control socially.
Looking forward to getting to know more of you and gain from your experience. Thanks for having me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Try drinking moderately for a month....I doubt if you can do it...If you are a normal drinker...You wouldn't be here for one...And you wouldn't be thinking about refills without ice...I hate to tell you...Normal drinkers don't do that. I would look into abstinence and some plan of recovery. This is just advice from a lifelong alkie.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 9
Thanks, Sapling. I know, the whole sneaking component definitely seems to be pointing to me not being a normal drinker. I think I might just try making December my trial month of moderate drinking, and if it doesn't work, January 1st would be the perfect jumping off point for a new resolution of abstinence.
I think my other main hesitation is that as much as I LOVE my husband and we have a fabulous marriage - I don't enjoy intimacy at all without a couple drinks in me. Only then does my self-consciousness go away and I'm able to relax and enjoy.
I think my other main hesitation is that as much as I LOVE my husband and we have a fabulous marriage - I don't enjoy intimacy at all without a couple drinks in me. Only then does my self-consciousness go away and I'm able to relax and enjoy.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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I found, as many do, that when I tried very hard to moderate my drinking, it got worse. And, not only that, it was all I could think about - when could I get home to have a drink, did I have enough wine in the house, etc. Stopping drinking was a relief.
If you are an alcoholic, you will not be able to moderate your drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I don't know whether or not you are an alcoholic, but some things jump out at me. Hiding the drinking and sneaking and lying - I did that. Using alcohol to deal with intimacy because I was out of touch with my feelings - I did that, too. Oh, and feeling mind-boggled about half empty wine glasses left on the table - I did that, too.
If you are an alcoholic, you will not be able to moderate your drinking. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I don't know whether or not you are an alcoholic, but some things jump out at me. Hiding the drinking and sneaking and lying - I did that. Using alcohol to deal with intimacy because I was out of touch with my feelings - I did that, too. Oh, and feeling mind-boggled about half empty wine glasses left on the table - I did that, too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NY
Posts: 9
Good thoughts, Anna, thanks.
And Sapling, I hope I didn't offend you by bringing up the intimacy issue, it's just genuinely a concern of mine. I didn't go into any lascivious detail, and never would. Just wanted to see if anyone else had dealt with that issue.
And Sapling, I hope I didn't offend you by bringing up the intimacy issue, it's just genuinely a concern of mine. I didn't go into any lascivious detail, and never would. Just wanted to see if anyone else had dealt with that issue.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Total abstinence can be daunting. But now that I’ve attained it, it is much more freeing than the prison of moderation. Yes, prison. The prison of counting your drinks, of rationalizing away your overages, of stretching the definition of moderate drinking to fit ones use.
However, you sound determined to give it a try. By the way, you understand that moderate drinking for women is considered one drink per day.
Good luck with that. I’d be interested in hearing how it goes for you. As I posted to someone earlier, you will learn more about your problem with alcohol through your struggle to quit than you will learn from your drinking of it.
However, you sound determined to give it a try. By the way, you understand that moderate drinking for women is considered one drink per day.
Good luck with that. I’d be interested in hearing how it goes for you. As I posted to someone earlier, you will learn more about your problem with alcohol through your struggle to quit than you will learn from your drinking of it.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by jugglingmama 
Good thoughts, Anna, thanks.
And Sapling, I hope I didn't offend you by bringing up the intimacy issue, it's just genuinely a concern of mine. I didn't go into any lascivious detail, and never would. Just wanted to see if anyone else had dealt with that issue.
And Sapling, I hope I didn't offend you by bringing up the intimacy issue, it's just genuinely a concern of mine. I didn't go into any lascivious detail, and never would. Just wanted to see if anyone else had dealt with that issue.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
I think I have to do some soul searching and decide whether a plan of moderation drinking would work, or whether I need to just quit. I really do want to be able to drink socially, especially since I ALWAYS keep it under control socially.
I hope you can drink in moderation - that would be great - wish I could.
Have you tried that? Just drinking at social times and not every night?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 617
Oh.My.Goodness. - I could have written your *exact* same post -- a few years ago. Our stories are so incredibly similar - except I have girls 
.
My drinking pattern was so similar to yours until it got worse. I was doing exactly what you're doing right now and then it got worse for me..... Started doing shots in between the wine and beer to speed up the buzz. Eventually I started blacking out at night after the kids were in bed.... Felt horrible every morning...the shame, the physical ailments, the regret.... it was getting really bad. The saying - one was too many and a 1000 wasn't enough....
I tried moderating over and over and over - never worked. And, it was exhausting. So much time spent/wasted everyday.... Then one night I looked into one of my girls' eyes and it finally hit me - I HAD to quit!!!! <<I'm starting to cry sitting at my computer because it was overwhelming - still fresh to me.>>
That was it. That was my moment. I no longer drink.
It has been almost 10 weeks and WOW the changes in my life. Believe me, I could go on and on (but I won't right now ). I drank for about 26 years; consistently and heavy - then heavier - except when pregnant. After trying to moderate my drinking for years and failing and trying to quit and failing .... I *finally* committed in my heart and my head. It is possible; even with a spouse that continues to drinks.
I had a thought for you - maybe instead of trying to drink moderately for the month of December ... STOP drinking for the month. Just decide to quit for the rest of the month and see how you do.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. SR is the most amazing place!!!
.My drinking pattern was so similar to yours until it got worse. I was doing exactly what you're doing right now and then it got worse for me..... Started doing shots in between the wine and beer to speed up the buzz. Eventually I started blacking out at night after the kids were in bed.... Felt horrible every morning...the shame, the physical ailments, the regret.... it was getting really bad. The saying - one was too many and a 1000 wasn't enough....
I tried moderating over and over and over - never worked. And, it was exhausting. So much time spent/wasted everyday.... Then one night I looked into one of my girls' eyes and it finally hit me - I HAD to quit!!!! <<I'm starting to cry sitting at my computer because it was overwhelming - still fresh to me.>>
That was it. That was my moment. I no longer drink.
It has been almost 10 weeks and WOW the changes in my life. Believe me, I could go on and on (but I won't right now
). I drank for about 26 years; consistently and heavy - then heavier - except when pregnant. After trying to moderate my drinking for years and failing and trying to quit and failing .... I *finally* committed in my heart and my head. It is possible; even with a spouse that continues to drinks.I had a thought for you - maybe instead of trying to drink moderately for the month of December ... STOP drinking for the month. Just decide to quit for the rest of the month and see how you do.
Please keep posting and letting us know how you're doing. SR is the most amazing place!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi jugglingmama
welcome - some great advice here.
I dunno about you but I spent a lot of my drinking career rationalising I wasn't an alcoholic because I never drank too much when I met with family.
I took that as proof I could control my drinking.
I kinda conveniently forgot about the 100s, if not thousands, of other times when I plainly could not control my drinking, or when I came back from my folks house and drank on, either that night or the next day or whatever.
and of course, eventually, I completely lost the ability to rein it in at all, even with my family...
Even with all the drama it bought me, I fought like a wildcat to retain my right to drink. I didn't want to lose it, I just wanted to control it.
But like others have said, as it happens giving up thoughts of controlling my drinking changed my life, and quitting entirely was the best thing that ever happened to me
I hope you find you're not a drinker like me JM - but I could never moderate - not consistently or with any real measure of control - and if you find you can't either, you'll find a lot of support and help here
D
welcome - some great advice here.
I dunno about you but I spent a lot of my drinking career rationalising I wasn't an alcoholic because I never drank too much when I met with family.
I took that as proof I could control my drinking.
I kinda conveniently forgot about the 100s, if not thousands, of other times when I plainly could not control my drinking, or when I came back from my folks house and drank on, either that night or the next day or whatever.
and of course, eventually, I completely lost the ability to rein it in at all, even with my family...
Even with all the drama it bought me, I fought like a wildcat to retain my right to drink. I didn't want to lose it, I just wanted to control it.
But like others have said, as it happens giving up thoughts of controlling my drinking changed my life, and quitting entirely was the best thing that ever happened to me
I hope you find you're not a drinker like me JM - but I could never moderate - not consistently or with any real measure of control - and if you find you can't either, you'll find a lot of support and help here
D
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
So glad you're here, juggling - your post could have been mine, too! I knew I had a problem, but drinking was the highlight of my day and I didn't want to give it up either. Finally, I just bit the bullet, thinking "why wait until it gets worse or something awful happens?"
One of the best things for me when I got sober was when I noticed the urges started fading and I wasn't thinking about it all the time. It's nice to be free....
One of the best things for me when I got sober was when I noticed the urges started fading and I wasn't thinking about it all the time. It's nice to be free....
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: In a Good Place
Posts: 484
I was a sneaky drinker as well. I started drinking approx a 12 pack on Saturdays to an 18 pack on Saturday and another 18 on Sunday. Then I graduated to a 30 pack. Always hid most of the beer cans so as to not get a lecture from anyone. I attend AA once/twice a week and am about to start outpatient therapy. I could go one month without alcohol, but I couldnt put the drink down after I started. Would go on 3-4 day binges when wife was out of town. Always got up and went to work, but didnt feel very good.
Good luck.
Good luck.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,761
Welcome to the family. I tried too many times to moderate my drinking but never could. It just made me frustrated and I often drank more and just said 'f it'.
It certainly was freeing to be rid of it altogether. Now I rarely think of it and the few urges I get are faint and easily dismissed. My brain no longer wants to be in that state and I'm used to being healthy now.
I tried too many times to moderate my drinking but never could. It just made me frustrated and I often drank more and just said 'f it'.
It certainly was freeing to be rid of it altogether. Now I rarely think of it and the few urges I get are faint and easily dismissed. My brain no longer wants to be in that state and I'm used to being healthy now. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Maine
Posts: 33
I think for me "moderation" would be the ability to have that one drink on occasion. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out if I'm an alcoholic or not too. I'm probably considered a moderate drinker by most - I would have a couple of drinks most nights but rarely more than that (though I would really tie a pretty good one on a couple of times a year). My concern for my drinking patterns are similar to what you said in your post, juggling. I would spend a lot of time thinking about drinking - what would I drink that night, should I even drink something that night (I wrestled with this constantly in my mind and usually ended up drinking), what would I drink (hmmm...would it be wine/beer/or something else), I also could not understand leaving wine in a glass at dinner...in fact when I would go out to dinner I would usually chug that first drink so fast, I'd feel pretty self conscious of it. I quit drinking almost one month ago and I find it very freeing to not be thinking about drinking as much as I was. I made bargains with myself, too about trying to drink just on weekends, drinking only socially (and not alone), but that didn't work very well either. So, my point is that people who drink "normally" don't spend a lot of time thinking about drinking. They could just take it or leave it (and leave it more than they take it). I'm not so sure if the amount is really the issue but more the relationship that one has with the alcohol. I really felt at times like I was a prisoner to it and couldn't just not drink. I had dinner with a friend tonight that was drinking and man was I tempted as I've been craving these last couple of days. But my fear is once I finish that first drink, I'm back to nightly drinking in the blink of an eye and I don't want to start this process over. I wish I felt confident that you could do the moderation thing. I agree with a couple of the folks that have posted here - quit for one month and quitting will tell you more about your drinking than continuing to drink will. It is teaching me a lot. It's hard (and some days not so hard) but man am I glad I'm doing it. I just have to keep doing it one day at a time.
Sorry this was a novel.
Sorry this was a novel.
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