Not an alcoholic, but attending closed meetings?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Not an alcoholic, but attending closed meetings?
I'm not an alcoholic but I've been attending closed meetings for awhile now. I have emotional problems that make me abusive to the people I love.
The messages in the Blue Book and the amazing people in the rooms have been an enormous help to me. On the one occasion when I've shared (on other occasions, I've passed), I stated in general terms how working the steps have led me to understand that my thought processes are wrong... that my willingness to honestly examine my thought processes, give it over to a HP, and accept that I cannot control others has brought a great deal of personal serenity to me, my family, and to those who have to deal with me on a daily basis. It's not "their" fault. It was my inability to accept the HP's will for me. I don't compare. I relate.
I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to waste a sponsor's time. I do my own inventories. I make amends. AA saved me. AA saves me.
Am I wrong? (I'm terrified to ask this. I need you guys.)
The messages in the Blue Book and the amazing people in the rooms have been an enormous help to me. On the one occasion when I've shared (on other occasions, I've passed), I stated in general terms how working the steps have led me to understand that my thought processes are wrong... that my willingness to honestly examine my thought processes, give it over to a HP, and accept that I cannot control others has brought a great deal of personal serenity to me, my family, and to those who have to deal with me on a daily basis. It's not "their" fault. It was my inability to accept the HP's will for me. I don't compare. I relate.
I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to waste a sponsor's time. I do my own inventories. I make amends. AA saved me. AA saves me.
Am I wrong? (I'm terrified to ask this. I need you guys.)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
I'm not sure what you mean by not an alcoholic. It seems to me that people can be alcoholics and not drink. To me it's more of a personality than it is about drinking. For instance I am very similar to my mom and have a lot of her issues and the way that she relates to herself and other people, but, she doesn't drink. She doesn't drink because her dad was an alcoholic and it affected her badly. But to me, simply not drinking doesn't solve her problems or make her happy. In fact she seems worse off without anything as an "escape" but no program of recovery. I often think she could benefit from AA even though she doesn't drink. However I suppose there are other programs for that... Al-Anon or something? I am not sure how other people feel about self-described non-alcoholics coming to closed meetings. I am new at this but in my opinion I have no problem with anyone coming to AA who is helped by it. I would not be upset but I would like to know because it helps me to know where different people are coming from. Honesty is important in any recovery program, I think.
I wish you all the best.
I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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I'm not an AA person, but my understanding is that closed AA meetings are for addicts only, so they can feel safe sharing their personal struggles.
If you're not an alcoholic, it seems that you are being dishonest by attending the meetings. I think that recovering from anything requires rigorous honesty. Have you considered telling the group that you are not an alcoholic?
If you're not an alcoholic, it seems that you are being dishonest by attending the meetings. I think that recovering from anything requires rigorous honesty. Have you considered telling the group that you are not an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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I've always that this program would be great for anybody...Alcoholic or not. It would be a far better world if that program was tought in grade school. We have people in our meetings and I don't know if they are alkies or not. They just sit and listen...Never share. Doesn't bother me...I'm there to learn myself. I have nothing to hide and the more people in the room the better for me.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I have to agree with Anna ....... seems to me you're not being honest. It's something to think about. With that said, I'm glad it's helping you.
By the way, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking (you don't even have to identify as an alcoholic). When you share though, most groups ask that discuss your problems as they relate to alcohol. I'm not sure you would be able to do that.
Are there other groups in your area that may help you in your recovery?
By the way, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking (you don't even have to identify as an alcoholic). When you share though, most groups ask that discuss your problems as they relate to alcohol. I'm not sure you would be able to do that.
Are there other groups in your area that may help you in your recovery?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 24
Pigtail -
Thank you for your acceptance. I think I'm looking today more to be understood than to understand. I appreciate your indulgence.
Anna -
Obviously you're correct. By attending closed meetings I am presenting myself as an alcoholic although I am not an alcoholic.
Here's how I rationalize this lie:
1) I don't draw attention to myself or my problem. I don't try to compare, or make others compare, my problem to alcoholism. You would know that I am not an alcoholic.
2) I keep my mouth shut. When I identify, I smile (or cry) with the person who is speaking.
3) I attend these meetings because I get so much love and spirituality out of the stories I hear. I listen to how others work the steps and how I can in my own life. It's uplifting - but not "fun." I;m not a voyeur. I'm not a tourist. I'm not a judge.
4) AA has improved my life so dramatically - I don't know what I would do or how I could live without it.
Is there someway I could do this more honestly?
Sapling -
I feel chosen. Fortunate. Thankful. So does my family.
Thank you for your acceptance. I think I'm looking today more to be understood than to understand. I appreciate your indulgence.
Anna -
Obviously you're correct. By attending closed meetings I am presenting myself as an alcoholic although I am not an alcoholic.
Here's how I rationalize this lie:
1) I don't draw attention to myself or my problem. I don't try to compare, or make others compare, my problem to alcoholism. You would know that I am not an alcoholic.
2) I keep my mouth shut. When I identify, I smile (or cry) with the person who is speaking.
3) I attend these meetings because I get so much love and spirituality out of the stories I hear. I listen to how others work the steps and how I can in my own life. It's uplifting - but not "fun." I;m not a voyeur. I'm not a tourist. I'm not a judge.
4) AA has improved my life so dramatically - I don't know what I would do or how I could live without it.
Is there someway I could do this more honestly?
Sapling -
I feel chosen. Fortunate. Thankful. So does my family.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by dans 
Pigtail -
Is there someway I could do this more honestly?
Is there someway I could do this more honestly?
And, I'm new to AA but almost all of the meetings I go to, by default, are open discussion meetings, because in my area there are so many more open meetings than closed meetings. To me the distinction doesn't really matter but I feel there must be some people who go to closed meetings for the security and safety and anonymity. So why not go to open meetings instead of closed meetings? That way you are being more honest, because just by going to closed meetings you are presenting yourself as an alcoholic when you are not (I guess that's how it works, not sure). Whereas in an open meeting anyone is welcome and you are not giving anyone the wrong impression.
Just my suggestions, best wishes.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by PaperDolls
I have to agree with Anna ....... seems to me you're not being honest. It's something to think about. With that said, I'm glad it's helping you.
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
When you share though, most groups ask that discuss your problems as they relate to alcohol.
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
Are there other groups in your area that may help you in your recovery?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by Pigtails
How about just letting them know with words that you're not an alcoholic but that you find the process very helpful? Share instead of just listen?
And, I'm new to AA but almost all of the meetings I go to, by default, are open discussion meetings, because in my area there are so many more open meetings than closed meetings. To me the distinction doesn't really matter but I feel there must be some people who go to closed meetings for the security and safety and anonymity. So why not go to open meetings instead of closed meetings? That way you are being more honest, because just by going to closed meetings you are presenting yourself as an alcoholic when you are not (I guess that's how it works, not sure). Whereas in an open meeting anyone is welcome and you are not giving anyone the wrong impression.
Just my suggestions, best wishes.
And, I'm new to AA but almost all of the meetings I go to, by default, are open discussion meetings, because in my area there are so many more open meetings than closed meetings. To me the distinction doesn't really matter but I feel there must be some people who go to closed meetings for the security and safety and anonymity. So why not go to open meetings instead of closed meetings? That way you are being more honest, because just by going to closed meetings you are presenting yourself as an alcoholic when you are not (I guess that's how it works, not sure). Whereas in an open meeting anyone is welcome and you are not giving anyone the wrong impression.
Just my suggestions, best wishes.
In my area, the closed-open situation is reversed. Checking the directory, there are 19 meetings being held today in the small city that I live in. Of these, just 3 are open, and only 1 of those doesn't involve a complicated cross-city trip. That said, I am doing a regular open meeting on Saturdays.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Perhaps there are 12 step programs that focus on anger management or battering/abuse? One of the fundamentals of any program is rigorous honesty that addresses your particular issue. I imagine that there is at least one person in the AA group you are attending that you can lead you in the right direction.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
Dans, if you're there because you have emotional problems that lead you to abuse those you love it occurs to me you need help in considering the needs of others, somehow elevating their needs and your concern for their well being to a higher level of importance in your mind.
That you are putting your need to be understood ahead of the new alcoholic's need to hear as clearly as is possible about a way to live a life without continuing to kill themselves with drink is not showing a healthy level of concern for others. I'm not sure how AA members can fulfill your need to be understood since their experience with their problem matches yours tangetially at best.
Were you to not speak and only listen, passing when called on it would disrupt what is happening in the meeting to a lesser degree, but it's quite hard to measure or forsee the possible effects of having you there. Someone may just say hi to you instead of new person and a conversation that should have taken place will never then happen. Unintentionally you could provide a distraction that would prevent a new person from altering their downward course.
I would not care to be even partially responsible for that. Your effort to change your patterns to become more considerate of others needs would seem to require that you find another way to get the help you need.
That you are putting your need to be understood ahead of the new alcoholic's need to hear as clearly as is possible about a way to live a life without continuing to kill themselves with drink is not showing a healthy level of concern for others. I'm not sure how AA members can fulfill your need to be understood since their experience with their problem matches yours tangetially at best.
Were you to not speak and only listen, passing when called on it would disrupt what is happening in the meeting to a lesser degree, but it's quite hard to measure or forsee the possible effects of having you there. Someone may just say hi to you instead of new person and a conversation that should have taken place will never then happen. Unintentionally you could provide a distraction that would prevent a new person from altering their downward course.
I would not care to be even partially responsible for that. Your effort to change your patterns to become more considerate of others needs would seem to require that you find another way to get the help you need.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
This program is about fixing a spritual malady.....
Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?
Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. Page 45 BB
Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?
Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. Page 45 BB
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Originally Posted by dans
Is there someway I could do this more honestly?
I AM glad that you are finding the support you want, but, I have very strong feelings about honesty being crucial to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
I can see the arguments on both sides. But, Dan, I really don't understand how listening to alcoholics share their problems and solutions helps you solve yours? From what I've learned, AA is a program of recovery, of working steps, which include sharing with and helping other alcoholics. The Twelth Step is to carry the message to other alcoholics who are suffering. So how can you do the steps and how does the program help you?
In any event I really feel that the people who have the right to decide this issue are the alcoholics who attend the closed meetings you attend. I think you should speak up at a group conscience meeting and let them know your situation and see what they suggest you do. If it makes them uncomfortable to have you there because it is dishonest-- and, let's fact it, a non-alcoholic attending an alcoholics-only meeting is inherently dishonest-- then you should take the extra effort to attend the open meetings even if it means more inconvenience to you. I have no problem with you being in AA but it is the "closed" part that bothers me, and I think would bother most people and should bother you if you are being honest with yourself (which is perhaps why you came to post here about it?). If it helps you that much then it shouldn't be that much of a big deal to go to the open meetings over the closed meetings, and no one could say anything to you about being there.
Good luck.
In any event I really feel that the people who have the right to decide this issue are the alcoholics who attend the closed meetings you attend. I think you should speak up at a group conscience meeting and let them know your situation and see what they suggest you do. If it makes them uncomfortable to have you there because it is dishonest-- and, let's fact it, a non-alcoholic attending an alcoholics-only meeting is inherently dishonest-- then you should take the extra effort to attend the open meetings even if it means more inconvenience to you. I have no problem with you being in AA but it is the "closed" part that bothers me, and I think would bother most people and should bother you if you are being honest with yourself (which is perhaps why you came to post here about it?). If it helps you that much then it shouldn't be that much of a big deal to go to the open meetings over the closed meetings, and no one could say anything to you about being there.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I think the whole thing is kind of pointless. There not gonna prove at the door if you are an alkie or not. I swear there are people that go to meetings simply because they are lonely. You can't ask to see their traffic history when they come through the door. I'm sure it happens...Two things....I'm not going to drink over it...And I'm not going to attend less meetings because of it. I guess if you wanted to be honest about it...You could force feed yourself a 12 pack and you would probably have a desire to quit drinking. You're in!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Is there someway I could do this more honestly?
YES. Attend only "OPEN" AA meetings. Do not attempt to share and just sit and listen.
Open AA Meetings: Are open to the public but only Admitted Alcoholics share.
Closed AA Meetings: Closed to the public, only Admitted Alcoholics attend and share.
Love and hugs,
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,966
I suggest letting the group know you. Get to open meetings and respect that which saved you. Just a suggestion. Of course, many of us work closely with our sponsors in an honest program of recovery. There is Emotional Anonymous. Maybe they would help you more.
Whatever works, though!
Whatever works, though!
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