EDHARLEY

So i just spoke to a friend of mine about the weekend. Sounded like a nightmare and honestly I am glad I was not a part of it.. but still feel like I missed out. I had just kind of established an inner peace, formulated a plan and was feeling a little better. I rationalized it as I always do (except my drinking) and felt that/ cough myself thinking that hey put in a few months, get financially sound, loose weight, look better feel better and make an entrance back into society in 6 months as if everything will change.. then I thought to myself .. if I do that nothing will be changed.. kind of felt despair realizing that those weekends are not for me anymore because I have used my god given party currency up already and cannot go into my "soul savings" again.. I am almost overdrawn. I notice a post about what do for fun when you are sober, and thought of the things I enjoyed and about the hobbies statement on the questionarre and how I wanted that.. but I also noticed that recovery is lonely for me and AA is hard because I cannot use the tools I did before to make friends and I have to be me.. I resented the fact that I am now aware of my problem and theoretically have to grow up and account for my actions if I want the life I dream about.. and all of that in a few minutes made me realize that I am still not in control, making deals with my myself.. and will always have to think about this addiction and be self aware.. Not all down though at least I felt all of that sober, and am willing to do something about it.. isnt that what this is all about. Thats what I am thinking about on a tuesday afternoon..
I am happy with my decision in case anyone is wondering and I am not going to have a drink today.. just thought I would share.

Brandon44

I used to make music and all kinds of stuff when I was bored. I even made money writing rap beats which I enjoyed a lot. Since I started drinking all the time all I wanna do is watch videos online or talk about random stuff that no one understands.

I think that once the alcohol leaves the situation or whatever drug it is you'll be more likely to do what you really want.

Anna

You are learning some great lessons.

Like you, I changed everything, from the inside out. I couldn't go back and be the same person I was, never. I had to deal with all my frailties and manage to get through life. I don't socialize as much as I used to, but that's okay with me because I am at peace with myself.

Being self-aware is a gift.

Sapling

That's music to my ears bud....You sound like you are starting to think...Keep it up.

But I don't buy this at all...

I cannot use the tools I did before to make friends and I have to be me..

Cut yourself some slack...Those tools only made you a friggen clown.

1undone

I know that sort of "a-ha" moment when you realize there is no going back, the line has been crossed, no more of your "friend" alcohol. It's so strangely a loss for me. I tend to remember only the good times and have to remind myself daily what it has taken from me and how much better I feel.

I have had the exact thoughts you mentioned - the 6 months from now re-entry back into the land of the "normal drinkers.". Not gonna happen. I'm still working through the "loss" part of all this. And the "why does this **** even matter to me" thinking. It's so frustrating.

eJoshua

Quitting an addiction definitely involves a grieving process for a lot of people that even follows the so called stages of grief. It sounds like you may be going through bargaining. Do some googling on it, it's pretty interesting stuff.

I feel pretty secure in my sobriety here as I approach the 8 month mark, but even I still catch myself lapsing into making deals with myself occasionally. I think it takes a while to break that habit, but it does get easier.

OCDDan

[QUOTE=EDHARLEY;3196589]but still feel like I missed out. QUOTE] I know it's probably not recomended, but I've been able to hang out with my drinking buddies on occassion, actually had fun now and then, just drank my na beer and had my girlfriend there for suport, might help to have something from the doctor to help calm the nerves, but i did have more fun sober than drinkin, (until they start drinkin straight from the booze bottle, then i leave) and you know when they are all messed up, they can't believe how quick witted you seem! my experience is that once you really believe live is better without alcohol, you won't crave it, alcohol will turn your life to s... thinking you can ever drink again is wrong, it's Always worse. (from the book of dan and 38 yrs of drinking) just kidding, but really it's true, it only gets worse.