Feeling betrayed, and thoroughly annoyed...
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: La-La Land! :)
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Feeling betrayed, and thoroughly annoyed...
So I confided in my mom about what has been going on, multiple times over the last few months... she's like my best friend... and I just found out today that my dad knows too. I dont know why I thought he wouldnt... my parents have a good marriage, and good communication, but I just thought this would stay between us (mainly cause I asked that it would)... but I guess she told him everything. I'm a total "Daddy's girl" and my dad is super successful and supports my whole family amazingly, and now I just feel totally ashamed to see him... I have one of those perfect families, with great lives, and I just wanted one last Christmas before "outing" myself and now I dont even know if I want to go home... My mom starts talking about "hiding the wine" and "locking the liquor cabinet" so I dont have "temptations". It's insulting. I've never been a person who steals others alcohol, and now that my DAD, who I care more than anything of what he thinks... Knows, I am completely embarrassed...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I remember when I went to rehab the first time I got sober..... I had to tell my parents because I was going to be gone for a month. It was difficult and I felt a lot of shame. To me, they were "perfect" and my siblings had always done the right thing and were very successful. Why did I have to be the black sheep?
Of course, they didn't look at it quite the same way. They were smart enough to know that alcoholism affects a lot of people - even smart and good people. They were very proud of me for getting help. They love me no matter what, and that was something I would never had to "earn" - I had their love from the day I was born and it would never change.
I hope you go home to be with your family at Christmas. It's OK to be human and have problems. It's OK to accept love and support from the people we're close to. I'm sure they don't see themselves as perfect and don't expect that of you either. I know it's no fun being the one to cry and feel embarrassed, but life is often messy, and it's love and family that gets us through. :ghug3
Of course, they didn't look at it quite the same way. They were smart enough to know that alcoholism affects a lot of people - even smart and good people. They were very proud of me for getting help. They love me no matter what, and that was something I would never had to "earn" - I had their love from the day I was born and it would never change.
I hope you go home to be with your family at Christmas. It's OK to be human and have problems. It's OK to accept love and support from the people we're close to. I'm sure they don't see themselves as perfect and don't expect that of you either. I know it's no fun being the one to cry and feel embarrassed, but life is often messy, and it's love and family that gets us through. :ghug3
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
It's OK to be human and have problems. It's OK to accept love and support from the people we're close to. I'm sure they don't see themselves as perfect and don't expect that of you either. I know it's no fun being the one to cry and feel embarrassed, but life is often messy, and it's love and family that gets us through.
You're facing up to your demons Camille. That's a good thing.
Yeah it's upsetting that your confidence was broken - but it's done now.
It's annoying that your folks are well meaning but a bit clueless in trying to help by locking things up, but at least they're trying to help.
Many of us got no support or understanding at all from our families - and I do speak from experience.
They might be a bit on the hamfisted side right now, but I think you're lucky to have the love and support
D
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
Dee is spot on. They mean well, even though they may be a bit overboard. Some folks though are in the opposite situation - people still actively encourage them to drink and don't recognize a problem. I know it's frustrating but I think it's best to be open (know it's hard when you're used to trying to hide the problem), my family weren't trusting of me at first but now it's better.
I accept my alcoholism now as an illness, an abnormal reaction to chemicals, I know I'm not the only one, so I'm more comfortable now though I know it takes a fair bit to get to that place.
I accept my alcoholism now as an illness, an abnormal reaction to chemicals, I know I'm not the only one, so I'm more comfortable now though I know it takes a fair bit to get to that place.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Randolph NJ
Posts: 70
Camille-
Parents tend to overreact to these things, at least mine did and still do to this day. I have not gotten a ton of family support in my recovery. Mostly I talk to my Mom, she's kind of supportive. My dad is an active alcoholic and since I'm not his "drinking buddy" any more he doesn't give a crap what I do and you know I could care less.
I think you'll find that if you stay sober that you'll start to rebuild the trust that was lost with your drinking. It takes some time, but most of us alkies are liars and manipulators (at least I was). I am still rebuilding a lot of family relationships that I have damaged over the last 20 years and to tell you the truth some may never be rebuilt.
Parents tend to overreact to these things, at least mine did and still do to this day. I have not gotten a ton of family support in my recovery. Mostly I talk to my Mom, she's kind of supportive. My dad is an active alcoholic and since I'm not his "drinking buddy" any more he doesn't give a crap what I do and you know I could care less.
I think you'll find that if you stay sober that you'll start to rebuild the trust that was lost with your drinking. It takes some time, but most of us alkies are liars and manipulators (at least I was). I am still rebuilding a lot of family relationships that I have damaged over the last 20 years and to tell you the truth some may never be rebuilt.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
You may be overthinking this in your head until you actually get there. think about what you actually said to mom about your struggles...she is just trying to "help", but probably has no experience with what you've described to her.. All she knows is what YOU have told her.
you've posted alot about how difficult it is to stop, so maybe it's all for the best. you won't know until you actually live it. I think feeling "insulted" is just denial. One last Christmas? consisting of what?
I would have cut off my thumbs to have my mother & father to talk to about my problems and gotten any kind of support.
you've posted alot about how difficult it is to stop, so maybe it's all for the best. you won't know until you actually live it. I think feeling "insulted" is just denial. One last Christmas? consisting of what?
I would have cut off my thumbs to have my mother & father to talk to about my problems and gotten any kind of support.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Camille, I understand why you're upset, but it sounds to me like your parents are well-meaning people who love you and are only trying to help.
To be honest, my first instinct is also to be annoyed when people who know I've quit drinking try to "protect me from temptation".... but I have to remember the motivation is good, even if they misunderstand.
To be honest, my first instinct is also to be annoyed when people who know I've quit drinking try to "protect me from temptation".... but I have to remember the motivation is good, even if they misunderstand.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Fandy 
I think feeling "insulted" is just denial. One last Christmas? consisting of what?
If you are truly ready to quit, in early sobriety, having accoutability to those who love you may be just what it takes to get you through those first, most difficult urges.
This may be your most enjoyable Christmas in recent memory.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Most addicts tend toward being control freaks.
You just got a faceful of "not in control.
None of us control the actions, thoughts or feelings of another.
You can be angry and resentful that you can't call the shots on how a parent or parents react. You can be grateful that they care and are supportive. You can be understanding that your mother chose to tell your father because SHE needed support in dealing with the information, because she knows your father loves the heck out of you and would want to know and support in any way he could.
Parents are human too.
It is human, when we find out someone we love is in a difficult or dangerous situation, to want to tell someone, and to share that information with others who love and might support them.
If your dad had a stroke, would you want your mom to tell you, or to leave you out of the loop because dad was embarrassed that his speech is slurred and he's dragging his right foot?
You just got a faceful of "not in control.
None of us control the actions, thoughts or feelings of another.
You can be angry and resentful that you can't call the shots on how a parent or parents react. You can be grateful that they care and are supportive. You can be understanding that your mother chose to tell your father because SHE needed support in dealing with the information, because she knows your father loves the heck out of you and would want to know and support in any way he could.
Parents are human too.
It is human, when we find out someone we love is in a difficult or dangerous situation, to want to tell someone, and to share that information with others who love and might support them.
If your dad had a stroke, would you want your mom to tell you, or to leave you out of the loop because dad was embarrassed that his speech is slurred and he's dragging his right foot?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Camille, have you stopped drinking? from your posts it seems like you haven't yet, which might make you feel more conflicted. if you are in the first week of sobriety, cut yourself some slack for reacting and having thoughts that go in 100 different directions.
you might want to make this a quieter holiday if you are stopping...Christmas festivities are difficult for newly sober, then the whole New Years shebang.
you might want to make this a quieter holiday if you are stopping...Christmas festivities are difficult for newly sober, then the whole New Years shebang.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Regardless of their 'protection' methods of locking up the booze and handling your crisis...you DO still have both your parents, they sound as if they are supporting you in their own way and if I were you I'd just swallow my pride and except whatever help they have to offer.
Alot of times family members don't know 'how' to act. And I think your Mother has every right to discuss this with your Father -regardless of what you told her. This is a major life altering problem and hiding it is only hurting you.
When I told my parents, I was 47. I am lucky to still have both of them. My Mother NEVER drinks...just never. My Dad was a fireman and used to have a beer with the guys or on Saturday afternoon eating a hot dog or watching a game. I do not expect them to understand but as their child, it was my responsibilty to tell them.
My brother went to 7 years of seminary, has a PHD and all those 'big' letters after his name. He's a prinicpal research scientist....I work in a local retail store for minimum wage. Success, my dear, is in the eyes of the beholder.
I digress, when I told my parents, they may not have understood but were there to listen. We were 1450 miles apart when I told them and the next day my Dad sent me flowers because it 'sounded like' I needed to smile. My brother has done counseling in all aspects of life and said to work my program. He was more matter of fact about it and I felt more like his patient than his little sister. LOL
But the truth is out...now I have to deal with the feelings and emotions and family members learning and accepting my problem. I have to suck it up. It is actually a humbling experience and kind of put me in a different frame of mind. And I've learned that there are really alot of good folks out there that have my back and really care what happens. I didn't realize that when I was drinking.
Alot of times family members don't know 'how' to act. And I think your Mother has every right to discuss this with your Father -regardless of what you told her. This is a major life altering problem and hiding it is only hurting you.
When I told my parents, I was 47. I am lucky to still have both of them. My Mother NEVER drinks...just never. My Dad was a fireman and used to have a beer with the guys or on Saturday afternoon eating a hot dog or watching a game. I do not expect them to understand but as their child, it was my responsibilty to tell them.
My brother went to 7 years of seminary, has a PHD and all those 'big' letters after his name. He's a prinicpal research scientist....I work in a local retail store for minimum wage. Success, my dear, is in the eyes of the beholder.
I digress, when I told my parents, they may not have understood but were there to listen. We were 1450 miles apart when I told them and the next day my Dad sent me flowers because it 'sounded like' I needed to smile. My brother has done counseling in all aspects of life and said to work my program. He was more matter of fact about it and I felt more like his patient than his little sister. LOL
But the truth is out...now I have to deal with the feelings and emotions and family members learning and accepting my problem. I have to suck it up. It is actually a humbling experience and kind of put me in a different frame of mind. And I've learned that there are really alot of good folks out there that have my back and really care what happens. I didn't realize that when I was drinking.
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