So I chickened out of Al-Anon
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 80
So I chickened out of Al-Anon
I was going to go to my first meeting last week, but I just didn't. I don't know why. I'm embarrassed to be serious about my own "recovery" because of what my husband will think, even though I already mentioned that I planned on going to the meeting. My explanations have been short and simple, such as, "It will help me stop being mad about everything my family is doing." I can't even tell if it bothers him... he just seems to keep asking why, and now it has even turned into sort of a joke. For example, he likes to have a scotch every now and then and one night as he poured one, he said jokingly, "Is this why you're going to Al-Anon?" I know it's a bad reason to avoid meetings... it's just so hard to do it when he doesn't understand the reason, and we're in the middle of a move, he just started a new job, and the awful 9-day power outage from the stowstorm here in CT pushed everything back, so now some of our loan approvals/paperwork/etc expired---nothing too serious, just a ton of work for him to deal with---you know, life. I feel selfish for wanting to spend time on something he doesn't care about when there are other important things I need to be focusing on.
I have learned that I don't need to justify myself to the addicts in my life, but I feel that I do need to justify Al-Anon to my husband before I can commit to going all the time. If he sees it as a waste of time, he's going to think I don't care about any of the "important" things that need our attention right now. Or maybe I don't even mean "right now". I'm afraid he will never see the importance of this...I'm not sure I can even do it without his blessing.
So my question is: What can I say to help him understand what Al-Anon is really about and how it will help me? I don't know much about it myself.
Oh, one more thing. People here use acronyms like AS (alcoholic son, I think)... I think they refer to family members, but I'm not always sure. Is someone able to list a few common ones for me and tell me what they stand for?
I have learned that I don't need to justify myself to the addicts in my life, but I feel that I do need to justify Al-Anon to my husband before I can commit to going all the time. If he sees it as a waste of time, he's going to think I don't care about any of the "important" things that need our attention right now. Or maybe I don't even mean "right now". I'm afraid he will never see the importance of this...I'm not sure I can even do it without his blessing.
So my question is: What can I say to help him understand what Al-Anon is really about and how it will help me? I don't know much about it myself.
Oh, one more thing. People here use acronyms like AS (alcoholic son, I think)... I think they refer to family members, but I'm not always sure. Is someone able to list a few common ones for me and tell me what they stand for?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I've never been, but I don't see why you need to justify al-anon.
Obviously I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but it's unlikely your husband is going to be thrilled - it throws the spotlight on him and puts the ball back squarely in his court.
Al-anon is clearly something you've decided you need - your husband doesn't have to understand & it's not required he give you his blessing.
This is your life, and your recovery and I hope you do follow through and go
D
Obviously I don't know the dynamics of your relationship but it's unlikely your husband is going to be thrilled - it throws the spotlight on him and puts the ball back squarely in his court.
Al-anon is clearly something you've decided you need - your husband doesn't have to understand & it's not required he give you his blessing.
This is your life, and your recovery and I hope you do follow through and go
D
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Your husband is using emotional manipulation on you. He is making you feel silly for wanting to help yourself. He has convinced you that you need to get his "approval" before you do what you already know is something you need. He doesn't want you to go because you will learn how to detach from his actions and learn to care about your own well-being. If that happens, then he won't have his enabler anymore.
I hope you will care enough about your own welfare and what is best for you to attend al-anon meetings regardless of what he thinks. You deserve some peace of mind, too.
I hope you will care enough about your own welfare and what is best for you to attend al-anon meetings regardless of what he thinks. You deserve some peace of mind, too.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 80
Oh, I'm not sure I made it clear. It's not because of my husband. It's my family back home that I grew up with. They are manipulative addicts/enablers who take a lot of my energy, even though there is very little physical contact between us anymore. I've decided to set some boundaries (that's why I joined here last month) and lots of people here suggested Al-Anon. My husband is wonderful, healthy, and supportive in his own quiet way... he just thinks this whole thing with me wanting to go to Al-Anon is a little weird, so I'd like to make it more clear to him why I'm going. He doesn't deal with my family much. Not the way I do.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Hon, this has nothing to do with your family. It has everything to do with you and what you need if you are living with an alcoholic. Of course he thinks you going to al-anon is weird. He wants you to continue to be the sweet complacent wifey that he needs for you to be.
When I read that, my first thought is that you are making excuses for not doing something that could help YOU because you are so used to doing whatever you think is best for HIM. You don't want to rock the boat.
Talltrees, there is a reason you found SR. There is something going on in your life that caused you to search for help on the internet. You want help. You have found help, but you have to accept that help. I hope you will do that.
For example, he likes to have a scotch every now and then and one night as he poured one, he said jokingly, "Is this why you're going to Al-Anon?" I know it's a bad reason to avoid meetings... it's just so hard to do it when he doesn't understand the reason, and we're in the middle of a move, he just started a new job, and the awful 9-day power outage from the stowstorm here in CT pushed everything back, so now some of our loan approvals/paperwork/etc expired---nothing too serious, just a ton of work for him to deal with---you know, life. I feel selfish for wanting to spend time on something he doesn't care about when there are other important things I need to be focusing on.
Talltrees, there is a reason you found SR. There is something going on in your life that caused you to search for help on the internet. You want help. You have found help, but you have to accept that help. I hope you will do that.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Talltrees-
I took your post not to be about your husband but about you trying to convince yourself that Al-anon would be good for you....by trying to convince him.
I was terrified to go to my first meeting....now my only regret is not going sooner.
It was one of the best things I ever did for me, myself and I. I hope you find the reserves in yourself to go.
I took your post not to be about your husband but about you trying to convince yourself that Al-anon would be good for you....by trying to convince him.
I was terrified to go to my first meeting....now my only regret is not going sooner.
It was one of the best things I ever did for me, myself and I. I hope you find the reserves in yourself to go.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I can't think of anything more important than your health, including your emotional health. Taking care of that will help you take care of the other important matters with less stress.
When I first got together with my husband he told me of a prior relationship that resulted in his girlfriend seeing a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asked to meet with him as well. He told this story from the view of how upsetting it was for him to have a girlfriend that needed help. How upsetting it was for him to go see the psychiatrist. How he didn't have faith in psychiatry. I don't recall him saying anything that showed any empathy for his girlfriend!
Later when I suspected I could be depressed, all I could think about was how upsetting it would be for him if I sought help. At that time I would rather not upset him than seek help for myself. I put his feelings and opinions ahead of my health. I never did seek help.
I could not see at that time how wrong my thinking was and how I needed to look after me. Thankfully, I've learned at Alanon that this is part of what I can have the courage to change.
Sending kind thoughts your way.
When I first got together with my husband he told me of a prior relationship that resulted in his girlfriend seeing a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asked to meet with him as well. He told this story from the view of how upsetting it was for him to have a girlfriend that needed help. How upsetting it was for him to go see the psychiatrist. How he didn't have faith in psychiatry. I don't recall him saying anything that showed any empathy for his girlfriend!
Later when I suspected I could be depressed, all I could think about was how upsetting it would be for him if I sought help. At that time I would rather not upset him than seek help for myself. I put his feelings and opinions ahead of my health. I never did seek help.
I could not see at that time how wrong my thinking was and how I needed to look after me. Thankfully, I've learned at Alanon that this is part of what I can have the courage to change.
Sending kind thoughts your way.
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