positivechange

I can do sit down dinners in a restaurant, and i have for the last month i have been sober. The problem is lounge bars, clubbing and house parties. I live with my boyfriend and he loves hosting dinners and social get-togethers at home. We have a full blown bar next to the living room for entertaining, and we have visitors quite often for drinks and chit chat.

Tonight is one of those nights, and I'm feeling anxious. Somehow from the moment my boyfriend tells me "Were expecting people over tonight" and he starts setting everything up, making sure there's ice cold beer for the boys and martini mixers and liquor for the girls, I feel very uneasy.

I know that not everybody has to drink, and I even know many girls who have told me they don't drink. I know not everybody out there drinks, but it affects me to see others drink around me, especially when im trying to avoid a relapse. I feel bad saying this, but i do get jealous when i see my boyfriend gather up everyone to raise their drinks and cheer away while i watch them holding a club soda. I know he loves me beyond measure, but im afraid i might be considered boring now.

The obvious reason why people find it so amusing to see somebody else join them in drinking is because they all know they're going down the same path of getting tipsy and a tad oblivious which makes them bond indirectly in a way, and I'm not part of that group anymore.

I get discouraged and my body even starts subconsciously feeling fatigued at the thought of a social gathering where i have to be hosting and smiling and acting to be perfectly fine when all the time i want to join in with a drink at the back of my head.

Ive seen a myriad of hosts remain sober throughout their house parties, i just dont know how to do that. It gives me a knot in my throat because i become silent, a bit distant and isolated, so therefore my boyfriend ends up approaching the whole thing by himself, looking forward to see people with a better, more cheerful attitude, and i feel like an outcast.

They should be here any minute now, and i feel like i want to hide in a cocoon. I feel socially disabled or something, its so isolating, and i cant take it. Will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin at a social get together being sober? I'm just venting here.

yo466

Positive-

I think that as time goes on you will feel more comfortable in your skin. It is tough to hang out with people that drink sometimes, I felt for a while like I couldn't relate to people who were drinking. It's changed for me a little now, in that I can hang with people that are drinking and having a good time, but I have huge problem hanging with people who are getting "wasted".

I guess I see too much of my old drinking self in them and it gives me a problem. At first I thought that it would be a problem to socialize because I was not use to my sober self. I was used to the drunk that I had become over the last 20 years and I fit into that role quite nicely. Once I got sober and began to socialize more, people who knew me took it one of two ways. One side said "Hey it's great that the old yo466 is back". The other people said "we like the drunken yo466 better". I guess that's how I found out who my true friends were and who was going to support me through my recovery and who were just drinking buddies.

It takes time to sort all this out, but just remember that you are getting sober for yourself, not for other people and you should do fine.

MsJax

I feel it would be extremely difficult to deal with all this when you are so newly sober. I took over 5 months away from that stuff after I got sober in March. Now I don't even care for most of it, unless it's a special birthday or wedding or charity event. Do you want to have these get togethers? Do you have any input into whether your boyfriend invites guests over? At over 8 months I don't even keep alcohol in my house. Home needs to be a safe haven.

SASA

i hear you. I am 10 month in and I still have a hard time partying. I try to avoid it whenever I can. I havve a friend who just moved in and he likes to go out for parites and ask me to come with him. Just yesterday we went for a huge dinner where everybody had wine etc with food.
I just try to be the driver this way I do not drink.he also started bringing wine home and this is something I do not like. I told him I want no alcohol in my house.
Maybe you can talk to your bf and tell him how you feel?

DarrenW

That's tough. If you can avoid drinking during tonight you can probably do about anything. I am pulling for you!

Soberween

I remember feeling the way you do when everyone was having a celebratory moment with drink. If you ride it out you will see that most people stop after one or two and are almost as sober as you are. I always breathe a sigh of relief when the night gets to this stage because I know the old me would have continued to pound drinks and would be nothing like these people who stop after one or two drinks. You will also see the people that over imbibe and usually embarrass themselves. Believe me, as you already know, the next morning you do not want to be part of that latter group.

Sparkydog

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about this? now is probably not the time to be around others drinking.

Dee74

I think like anything, it's a skill we have to relearn and learning any skill is going to take exposure to situations plus a little time

I was one of the ones who took myself out of society for a while until I was absolutely sure sobriety was what I wanted. I'd tried living my old life and staying sober....I couldn't do both...they were diametrically opposed.

When I did go back, I found I'd changed and my ideas on fun had changed too. I lead a far quieter life now - but I find it far more fulfilling...

D

Tres

PositiveChange, I know exactly how you feel. I could have written your post. Hubby and I are always very social. Party was always at our house. Kids running amuck, shots and drinks flowing. I have not had people over to our house since I stopped drinking 36 days ago.

I held a lot of resentment towards hubby for a while because he could drink and stop. I never could do that. I told him about two weeks in that I wasn't going to be able to have people over for a while because it makes me uncomfortable. He was very supportive.

Thats all good, but now he goes to their house and drinks. Sometimes I am ok with it because I want to be alone. Sometimes I wish he would stay home with me.

Sorry I am rambling...but I do totally understand how you are feeling. I hope that someday I can have people over with out the anxiety. I think that I will, but I will have to start with small groups first.

If the guests start to annoy you, just say you are feeling well and go to bed. You may need to remove yourself from them to get through it. Just don't give in.

Tres

I meant to say "not feeling well" in that post..sorry!

Nirvana1

Unless I'm mistaken, It's Monday night where you're at? It does not seem like a normal night to be having a party for people to get wasted.

I bring that up because it seems like your BF and friends are probably heavy drinkers by what you described. I don't have much good advice for these situations because I always want to get far away from people who are drinking a lot.

I say make plans for when your BF is throwing a party. There is no way you will have any fun if you are there. Not a chance. Everyone who is drinking will not understand what you are going through. It will be 10X harder to stay sober if you keep staying around the drinking crowd.

LaFemme

It has gotten much easier for me to be around people drinking...in part because it reinforces my desire to not be like them.

However, as new as you are I think you need to have a heart to heart with the boyfriend. he should stop having cocktail parties for a little while.

artsoul

Hi positivechange -

In that situation, I would have had the same feelings you do. I agree with the idea of talking to your boyfriend and telling him how hard it is for you right now. Maybe there's a way you can compromise - make it a dinner event, or play cards/games (something beside alcohol for entertainment), or just take a hiatus for another month on the parties.

For me, it would depend on how much drinking was going on. If people are having one or two drinks, it doesn't really bother me as much. It when the conversation starts going downhill that I'm ready to bolt. Since I've been sober, I realized that it's not my insecurities that are the issue - I just don't enjoy small talk for the most part and would rather do something else.

Hang in there - I hope things go well!:ghug3

positivechange

Thank you all... that Monday night we had people over to celebrate a launching of a project, and it wasn't meant to be an opportunity to get wasted, people just had their normal one or two cocktails, but having even those couple of cocktails within my sight seemed difficult.

I already spoke to my BF and he agreed on staying away from social gatherings or plans that involved cheering cocktails. Again, he is very supportive, but he does drink and loves to do so on weekends.

Christmas is just around the corner and ill be flying out of town to join my family, so we agreed that before I leave, we will stick to calmer activities. It'll be different to go back home. All my friends back home were normally drinking buddies. All we would do there is party away. So I'm looking forward to actually enjoying my family and being sober for the first time in a decade during the holidays.

I guess being sober just makes you feel everything and acknowledge yourself and that to me was very scary at first. Ive sobbed, felt the emotions rising inside of me, but I've been facing it all and learning little by little that its not so bad after all. I love the idea of making it my New Year's Resolution: to be sober, period. I can only imagine all the positive changes that will create for my life both personally and professionally.

I thought I was being an active drunk, you know? Getting things done right for work during the week, then trashing myself on weekends, but I think I was painfully wrong. I'm still not where I want to be professionally-wise. Maybe 2012 will bring rewards for my positive change.

FirstDay83

I thought my drinking was fine. Going to work all week and getting wasted at the weekends. However my weekends got worse and worse until it was drunk ALL weekend from Friday evening to Sunday morning, and my working week started suffering more and more until it took me until Wednesday to feel better again.

Thursday would be productive at work and Friday was gearing up for going out again.

Things were getting worse not better.

I have underachieved in my profession but am now looking forward to getting things back on track.

GOOD LUCK 2012 is going to be a good year

FirstDay83

PS I share your feelings about socializing. I am going to try and lie low for a while until I can get over the drinking habits.

Hope you are okay, and think of the long term benefits that will come from not having a drink compared to the short term high

Pigtails

Hi PositiveChange (I like your username!) I can so relate to your post. I am at the exact same spot.

Eventually I want to be able to socialize sober. I think I would be a much better sober host than I ever was a drunk host!

But right now, in being honest with myself and my feelings, I think, screw it. It frustrates me, that I am not on the same level with everyone else, that they can all drink and I can't. It isn't fun for me right now.

So I am trying hard to be true to myself. Granted, I don't even always know what that means. Because I DO want to socialize and not care if people get drunk around me, but clearly I do care, so, it's like a tug-of-war with my emotions and thoughts.

All I know is, we have to put ourselves and our recovery first and foremost. Please just focus on that goal. If you don't want to be around drinkers right now, don't be around them. Ask your boyfriend to take a hiatus from the get-togethers in support of your recovery goals. Let him know how it makes you feel. Or go out to a movie or with sober people etc. when he has them over.

As far as being boring, I can relate to that fear but if they need alchohol to enhance their state of minds enough to be around "friends," then maybe they are the boring ones. Really. Don't be hard on yourself, just love yourself. That is probably more than many of them are doing, and your focus needs to be on you.

Pigtails

I am learning this too and it's a hard realization. Twice my boyfriend's brother has told me he likes me better when I'm drinking/ I was more fun back when I drank. It stung when he told me that, but both times, he was drunk himself. I know it is just him wanting a drinking buddy but boy do I feel hurt, like, so I'm not good enough without altering my personality with alcohol?? I am having to keep reminding myself that I AM good enough, and if he doesn't think so, that's not my concern. And I think he may not even mean what he says, or doesn't realize it comes across so negatively... I used to say a lot of stupid things while drunk, so, I try to give him a pass.

Pigtails

I needed to hear this, thank you.

Pigtails

Sorry Positive, I only just now saw your follow-up post. Still, this was a helpful thread to me. I'm glad you and your boyfriend worked things out regarding his social drinking around you. It's good that he's supportive. Best wishes!