Pigtails

Hi everyone. Tomorrow will be 30 days and I am mostly doing well. I went to a few more AA meetings over the weekend and they seem to help. I seem to go back and forth between thinking "I don't have a problem/ I can control it, and eventually I can drink again" to thinking "I don't ever want to drink again." I tell myself these are just thoughts/feelings that pass, and I just keep not drinking. Sometimes I feel a bit down/deflated, sometimes overwhelmed/confused, sometimes happy/excited, and other times, which I've grown to appreciate the most, I feel at peace and content. This is a feeling I'm not used to-- I was always attracted to chaos-- and I'm learning to strive for it and focus on getting back to that spot when things get haywire.

One thing I'm confused about is that some of my strongest desires to drink come during AA meetings!! I think I want to just not have to deal with it, and to go escape. Then I start feeling a sense of peace and calm, and I know I'm in the right place. I can't explain what happens to me at the meetings or why they make me feel better, but they just do. But I do hope the desire/obsession to drink goes away... I would like to just not want to drink, period.

I feel I've been very scatter-brained... I think because my mind has been all over the place. It's hard for me to do practical tasks and to focus, I'm forgetful, and sometimes I can't seem to talk right or use the correct words when talking, or use different words than I mean to when typing, etc. It's really strange! Anyone else have this happen? Like I'm a bit drunk without being drunk at all.

I'm also trying hard to find my higher power. Yesterday I went to a unitarian universalist church with my boyfriend. I've been there before and this time a rabbi was speaking about a lot of Jewish stuff that I, not being Jewish, didn't really understand. But I liked the meditation parts and the common goals of social justice and peace and unity. I think that it seems more like a political or social group than a "religion," and most of the members are a lot older than me, but I think I will keep trying it, as well as maybe some other "churches."

Some good things have been coming my way. I have found a career opportunity that seems right in line with with what I've been wanting. I went to a sleep disorder specialist and, based on some things she said, some input from my boyfriend who is in the health field, and some online research, I think I've figured out a totally different cause/cure for my sleep disorder than anyone has ever told me (and I have had it since I was 12!) And little things... on Friday I left my car door open (scatter-brained!!!) and someone called my office building garage's security, who called me at the office to let me know. I had my briefcase in the car, with an expensive computer and some other stuff, and I was sure someone had taken it!!! I got out there and everything was in its place!!! I sent out a "prayer" of gratitude to the person who reported it and to my higher power, which at this point is the universe/fate/karma that comes from doing the right thing/being the best person I can be.

Tomorrow will be my 30-day sobriety birthday and it just so happens to fall on the same day as the weekly women's meeting I've been going to and for now and maybe permanently consider my "home group." The woman who befriended me months ago at AA and who invited me to this AA group wants to be there when they give me my chip. I have a question... is it okay to ask her to sponsor me? I don't know the rules. She has 2 years' sobriety and said she did all the steps quickly when she was first in rehab, and is now going back through them all and is on Step 9. I don't know how often she goes to AA or if she has a home group... it seems to me she goes to different ones at different times, when she can/thinks she should.

Tomorrow night after the AA meeting I have to go in overnight for a sleep study for my sleep disorder. :-/ Then Friday is my birthday. : ) I was a bit worried at first about how to celebrate it without alcohol, but my boyfriend and I are going on a romantic weekend ski trip. On Thursday I am going to dinner with friends, and perhaps to a comedy show, but, it's at a bar, so I have to decide. I want to see the stand up comedy and I don't feel I'll want to drink but I also don't want to invite unnecessary pressure/temptation from everyone else who will be drinking. I was worried about that just at the dinner and now with the show to boot... argh. So I keep putting off deciding/inviting people because I'm not sure what I really want to do!

Thanks everyone for reading. I hope you all are having a good week. : )

Anna

I'm glad you're doing well, Pigtails. It sounds like you're on the right track.

I don't have any advice about the sponsor, but other AA people will be by here, I'm sure.

Pigtails

Thank you for your continued support and encouragement Anna.

doggonecarl

Awesome. Only one thing felt better than hitting my 30-day mark. That was hitting 60!

Continued good luck.

Pigtails

Thanks. Even when I feel down or blah or confused, if I think, "I've made it to 29 days!" or whatever day it is, I feel instantly better.

Dee74

really glad to see you approaching 30 days too, pigtails
I'm glad for the good things coming your way too!

As for the rest, I think you're right on track & handling things really well - keep it up

D

Pigtails

30 days (or even 29) is much longer than I have gone without drinking in years. Makes me want to do a happy dance.

least

Could be PAWS: Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome which is the changes the body and brain go thru after withdrawing from alcohol.

Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms - Relapse Prevention Strategies

Pigtails

Ugh. Hope it doesn't last forever!!

Tigger41

Hey there Pigtails - you're doing really well - can't believe tomorrow's 30 for you - you're right behind me.

Your posts are sounding a bit calmer - I'm glad to see that.

Congratulations on 30 in case I forget tomorrow

Jay1980

Hey Pigtails, congrats on the 30 days! That's great. I'm excited to get my chip this weekend. But still taking it one day at a time.

Do you know if this woman sponsors people? Not everyone does. A lot of times at the end of the meetings they'll ask people to raise their hands if they're willing to be a sponsor. First ask her if she sponsors people and then if she does there's no problem asking her to be your sponsor. Just a heads up though - sponsors can be pretty strict. Sure, everyone is different but she's going to want you to call her every day even if it's just a quick 30 second phone call and she's probably going to want you to attend a meeting every day for the first 90 days of your sobriety. Hope this helps

simplex

Hey great job tails! It sounds like you're doing very well and are overall more centered.

The scattered brain stuff could be P.A.W.S but more likely it's your brain just normalizing itself and learning to function continuously without alcohol.

And on the sponsor thing I sort of knew that mine sponsored others as he has like 15 years. But with someone who has that amount of time, I'd try and ask other ppl if they know whether she's sponsored before. Or you could just ask her directly. I think generally anyone who has worked the steps and has a year + can sponsor. Though keep in mind you want to find someone who "has what you want." I think quality of sobriety is more important than time. I try not to judge other's sobriety but when it comes to picking a sponsor I think that's only fair.

Anyway congrats again on 30 days coming up! Keep moving forward!

Ariesdch

That first statement is one of the most dangerous ones that exists to alcoholics; the feeling that you can CONTROL it after some period of time has passed. I went 10 years before that statement bit me in the ass and lead to another 12 year run of of drinking.

I pick some event or something specific that sticks in my mind that reminds me every day from now till 100 years from now (I wish LOL) that I can not drink again...ever. And it is not easy.

Pigtails

Aww thanks Tigger and congrats on your 30+ days.

I'm glad to know I sound calmer. I guess I feel calmer too.

Pigtails

Thanks Jay. Congrats on your upcoming chip.

I do not know if she sponsors people... I *think* she talked about a sponsee awhile ago when I first met her, but I'm not totally sure.

Honestly I hear the 90 meetings in 90 days thing and I am not sure I understand the significance of it. It almost sounds cult-like to me, like, even God only wants one day a week. (ha ha?) But I am willing to do whatever because I obviously haven't been able to figure anything out on my own.

Thank you for the help.

Pigtails

Thanks. I would like to take some time and see who "has what I want"... at this point it seems that anyone who has any length of sobriety has what I want. I am not sure what all I should be looking for. I have heard of a temporary sponsor and think maybe I should try that out in the meantime?

Pigtails

Thank you for the warning. It definitely seems like the hardest part of this... my brain getting confused and trying to trick me up... but I just keep telling it I'm serious, I'm not drinking.

sugarbear1

Ask her to help guide you through the steps quickly! experience the steps! my cravings left me when I was taken through the steps quickly.

WakeUp

Attending 90 meetings in 90 days is treatment center lingo that has nothing to do with the real AA program of recovery. I think it took me about year and a half to make 90 meetings!
The key is working the 12 Steps and having a spiritual awakening.

Peter G

Congrats on 30 days PT, I remember my first 30 days and it sounds like we've had very similar experiences.

I didn't read anything about you being sponsored or working through the steps, but you mentioned someone you'd like to ask to sponsor you. So let me humbly suggest that you use this 30 day milestone as a springboard to sally forth and find a sponsor. Get to work on the steps with someone who has come to a spiritual experience through the steps. Whether that be your AA buddy or not, someone at your "home" group can and will help. As you can see by the other posters suggesting the same thing, completing those steps is the entire goal of AA and very important work where lasting sobriety is concerned. Not to mention it is SO worth it.

Meetings are great in their own right, and certainly do provide relief for us, but in truth they are only meant to augment and supplement the true process that is outlined in the Big Book.

This is your brain NOT on drugs . It happens to most of us Pigtails, nothing to stress over. Just synapses rewiring and attaching to proper neurons and all that good stuff. It takes a minute to get a clear head after you've stopped a lifetime of feeding it booze. My head started to clear up only after 90 days or so, if I remember correctly. Before that 90 days I was guilty of all kinds of absent minded and hair-brained nonsense.

Drawing from my own experiences with this illness, nix the comedy show from your birthday itinerary. I can see you're already apprehensive about it, and that tiny bit of anxiousness would be good enough for me to decide to wait a few more months before going to bars - no matter the occasion. Besides, there's DVD's full of comedy if you want to get some kicks and not have to worry about temptation crawling up your spine while your guard's down. Try Louis CK's HBO show, it is bloody hilarious.

Remember, you'll get more birthdays, and the next time one comes around you could have 1 year and 30 days of sobriety, not just 30 days. Pretty sure by then you'll have had enough time to reconcile being around clubs and bars. Now? Well, it's up to you, but my advice is to err on the side of caution Pigtails, it's the smart play. Alcoholism is tricky, it's insidious, and it can creep up on you, especially when you're walking on newly sober legs.

Again, congrats on 30 days. Here's some Louis CK to watch while you decide what's best for your birthday...