Dating Within The First Year of Recovery
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 3
Just a suggestion
The no dating suggestion is just that... a suggestion. And like a lot of suggestions it is arbitrary and subjective. And it can be just an expression of someone's prudishness or projection of their own fears of relationship. Arbitrary in that, why one year? How is one year the measuring stick? Why not 2 years? Why not 5? Why not 6 months? 9 months? 10 years? Subjective in, who is to say? One person may be ready to be in a relationship and another not. At any rate it nobody's business. It does not say anywhere in the Big Book that you should not date. It DOES, however, say that we are "not the arbitrators of anybody's sex life" So how do you reconcile that with telling someone they should date or not?
It is probably best to try and keep your life as simple as possible and focusing on yourself/recovery without complications (always, but especially) the first year. That is most likely a good idea. And might it be a mistake to add dating/relationships? Yes, it might be... however it is your mistake to make. We can, do and will make mistakes. Whatever you do, don't drink, go to meetings and this too pass, sort itself out and more will be revealed.
It is probably best to try and keep your life as simple as possible and focusing on yourself/recovery without complications (always, but especially) the first year. That is most likely a good idea. And might it be a mistake to add dating/relationships? Yes, it might be... however it is your mistake to make. We can, do and will make mistakes. Whatever you do, don't drink, go to meetings and this too pass, sort itself out and more will be revealed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welp, my opinion and experience is this:
what sane, mature person would be attracted to someone like me in early recovery that was a complete mess?
welp, someone just as sick, or sicker, than me. all them mentally and emotionally healthy women didn't want anything to do with me more than help me get sober.
so I got into a relationship with someone just as sick as me 6 months in, who was also early in recovery. a chronic relapser to boot.
I still had low self esteem.i didn't love myself YET.
it was a friggin nightmare, one that I let go on way too long.
I have no fear of relationships. I love myself and am quite happy being single TODAY.
it takes at least a year for the full effect of alcohol do be gone and the true underlying mental and emotional issues to be known.
2 sickies don't make a wellie.
what sane, mature person would be attracted to someone like me in early recovery that was a complete mess?
welp, someone just as sick, or sicker, than me. all them mentally and emotionally healthy women didn't want anything to do with me more than help me get sober.
so I got into a relationship with someone just as sick as me 6 months in, who was also early in recovery. a chronic relapser to boot.
I still had low self esteem.i didn't love myself YET.
it was a friggin nightmare, one that I let go on way too long.
I have no fear of relationships. I love myself and am quite happy being single TODAY.
it takes at least a year for the full effect of alcohol do be gone and the true underlying mental and emotional issues to be known.
2 sickies don't make a wellie.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
A fairly common topic here on SR.
In addition to adding his own personal experience, TomSteve makes an excellent point: "it takes at least a year for the full effect of alcohol do be gone and the true underlying mental and emotional issues to be known."
I'll add mine. For the first few months of sobriety, I didn't know my head from my hind quarters. Beyond that, I learned what hard work it is to rebuild our lives. Being sober and living in recovery is not just abstinence. We have to work on ourselves and build the foundations for a new life.
That is no small task.
My own romantic relationship -- my first in recovery -- ended a couple months ago and I cannot imagine going through that while trying to hold on to new sobriety.
Add in whether it is fair to the other person to pull him/her into our lives while we're still fragile, continuing to rebuild and I think that reinforces the need to go solo for a while. Especially if approached from the perspective of someone else helping "fix" us. Add to that that we're still trying to learn to have love for ourselves and self-respect early in the first year, it's hard to see how we can make room for a new person while still working all of that out.
I've been on SR for a long time now. If I had to pick the top challenges to newcomers when they're rebuilding, romantic relationships are right up there. Based on what I've seen here, they often derail efforts. Frankly, from what I've read, a lot of folks who are eager to date early in sobriety on don't pick good romantic partners. (See TomSteve's post.)
And I'll add this, which may or may not be well-received:
This isn't a game. Getting sober is damn hard work and deserves to be taken seriously, treated as the No. 1 priority because frankly, that's what it is.
In addition to adding his own personal experience, TomSteve makes an excellent point: "it takes at least a year for the full effect of alcohol do be gone and the true underlying mental and emotional issues to be known."
I'll add mine. For the first few months of sobriety, I didn't know my head from my hind quarters. Beyond that, I learned what hard work it is to rebuild our lives. Being sober and living in recovery is not just abstinence. We have to work on ourselves and build the foundations for a new life.
That is no small task.
My own romantic relationship -- my first in recovery -- ended a couple months ago and I cannot imagine going through that while trying to hold on to new sobriety.
Add in whether it is fair to the other person to pull him/her into our lives while we're still fragile, continuing to rebuild and I think that reinforces the need to go solo for a while. Especially if approached from the perspective of someone else helping "fix" us. Add to that that we're still trying to learn to have love for ourselves and self-respect early in the first year, it's hard to see how we can make room for a new person while still working all of that out.
I've been on SR for a long time now. If I had to pick the top challenges to newcomers when they're rebuilding, romantic relationships are right up there. Based on what I've seen here, they often derail efforts. Frankly, from what I've read, a lot of folks who are eager to date early in sobriety on don't pick good romantic partners. (See TomSteve's post.)
And I'll add this, which may or may not be well-received:
This isn't a game. Getting sober is damn hard work and deserves to be taken seriously, treated as the No. 1 priority because frankly, that's what it is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 3
Oh, I totally understand you and Tomsteve. It is still arbitrary and subjective. Again, why one year? Why not 'no relationships until you are solid in your sobriety? I've been on this path for a long time and have seen and worked with a lot of people who are not solid in a years time and some who have an amazing handle on it in far less time. We have to own "our experience" as ours and understand and accept that not everyone has the exact same route. Some are sicker than others. I know I have met people sicker than me and I know that I am (and have been) sicker than other people I have met. AA is not a cult. We not all zombies acting the exact same way.
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