goldiilocks

I was doing alright, and then I slipped up and went on a bender, woke up yesterday and went to the store to get cigarettes, must have been about 10 in the morning, and I have no idea why, they were having a special on my beer so I bought a 12 went home and started drinking again. Blacked out, woke up at 6 and repeated the process with my husband's old tequila stash that he hides from me. My husband hasnt really spoken to me, is distant towards me and I feel he has every reason to be. I just want him to talk to me, about how he is feeling, what he thinks.... My worst fear is that he has given up on me. I am choosing TODAY to start again, and this time I am going to let go of my past ideas about "Oh, maybe I can drink, just one.." Etc and accept the fact of my problem.

What makes it worse, is for the last week we have a friend visiting from out of town. I feel like such a huge embarrassment, and I am DONE waking up in a literal hell wondering what stupid things I did or said.. I don't think I am a bad person, but its time for me to surrender to the fact that I have a problem. Thanks for listening.

((Also, I've had little to no appetite at all today, have the shakes pretty bad, and I dont really eat when i am drinking... Anyone have any tips on how to get the appetite back?))

Nirvana1

Everything takes time. You have to look at the situation from your husbands point of view. You probably know how he feels about your drinking. Stop drinking and show him you are willing to change.

goldiilocks

Thanks for responding Nirvana.

overthis

Yeah, that has been the toughest part for me-not letting the little voice inside my head convince me that "Oh it wouldn't be that hard to be a casual drinker, I could just have one or two and control myself." Every time I start thinking that way I just say NO that's a lie, not true, can't happen, won't happen. My appetite was not there for the first week but it came back pretty quick so I can't really give any advice on that. Stay strong though and do this for your husband and yourself.

doggonecarl

What is your recovery plan? Are you simply trying to not drink? Sometime are problems are such that willpower alone isn't enough. There are places to get help. AA is the most available. Consider it. Consider some sort of face-to-face support. Your current program isn't working.

You may have only so many relapses in you...do you have more left than your husband will put up with?

Good luck.

Dee74

Hi Goldilocks

I don;t know anything about your relationship, but I know I let many of my relationships wither and die & I let many people walk away because my relationship to alcohol was all encompassing....

people simply got tired of hearing me talk the talk and not walking the walk.

Don't let it happen to you

Carl's question is a good one - no need to answer here unless you want to, but do ask yourself - what are you doing to change your situation? can you do more?

D

goldiilocks

Well last year I was able to quit without even trying for about five months... But then again my alcoholism escalated when I picked it back up and now a year and a half later, I am here. At the beginning of 2010 if you asked me if I was an alcoholic, I would have completely denied notion of it. Never worked the steps but about 3 years ago it was so bad that I was at AA. Never stuck with it, and just cut down. I guess I just assumed I could stop drinking like I did in 2010, but that is absolutely not happening so I am DEFINITELY going to try to make it to an AA meeting.. Or at least get on a path to recover. But you are absolutely right. If I don't stop drinking I will lose him. Thanks for commenting everyone.

lushly

goldiilocks . I really understand where you are at . I have 7 months last Thursday. I saw no way I could get sober. I was told to have just a sliver of hope that I could get sober this time. I did whatever it took, no excuses. I suggest that you listen to others with all your heart. (()) Lushly

icutrauma1

Being abandoned by my XAGF I can tell you that actions are louder than words. If you show yourself first that being sober is important to you and you want nothing to come between you and sobriety, your husband will begin to believe you.

I understand how people places habits encompass addiction.
So I believe that people places habits encompass sobriety. Your family is part of your sobriety. If your sober, then you are having the capacity to include them in your life.

goldiilocks

Alright guys, so firstly thanks for the support and words of wisdom. Now I am starting to wonder however if he even wants me to get sober. I know yesterday was a Saturday, so he invited his band member friends over to enjoy it. That's fine and all, I slept through it, but I did ask of him one thing: If they were bringing beer in the house, I'd firstly prefer if they didn't, and secondly I'd prefer if there was none left in the morning when i wake up. I am an early bird and for some reason it's gotten hard for me not to drink in the mornings, partly because I just cant sleep it off, and partly because I like daytime and in the past I've enjoyed most getting inebriated in the morning. I woke up to find two 12 packs in the fridge, they had started drinking from both yesterday, but there is still at least 18 beers total. Whats going on? I've been locking myself in the room all morning but I had to pass the living room to get to my shower, and there goes one of his band members continuing to drink. I am going to leave i think... I have no clue what else to do.

My husband views my alcoholism as a lack of willpower. I spoke with him, and basically because he doesn't feel the need to constantly drink, he can't understand why I do and attributes it to a character flaw??? He can have just one at dinner ect and leave it. Since the first time I've tasted alcohol when I was 14 I chugged the beer down and continued to do so with 5 more. I am not one of those people that took a long time to become addicted, I think I always have been. After speaking to him a second time, I feel even worse and am starting to think, maybe he is right. Maybe I do have a character flaw. I got out of the house, I walked my dog, and came back only to feel badly about myself when talking to him. I guess if i put myself in his shoes i can see his point of view... But who actually likes being an alcoholic and having this stuff control them? I sure as hell don't. He likes to drink but can put it down. Anyway argh sorry for going on a rant spree.... I am just pretty confused and feel misunderstood at this point.

goldiilocks

Anyway there is a closed women's group 30 minutes away from me at three... i am using that as my focus and willpower not to grab one of those beers. Also Ive started a journal where i write about all of the stupid, embarrassing, life threatening, and selfish things i've done when I was drunk. The list is long. And that in it self helps me to stay on the right path.

cuyootoo

I understand where you are coming from about the drinking roller coaster cycle. Sorry that you are so caught up in it. I would rather just drink than go through the character insult that comes from making a resolve to quit, then drink all the time. It doesn't sound like your friends and family are making it easy for you to quit either. You can quit drinking, I know you can. Maybe just schedule a date and time that will be your last drink? Then stick to it. Then you can have your self respect back.

Alcohol is really a crappy drug. You will quit drinking soon. I know you can do it. Then you can have the moral high ground again

goldiilocks

Thank you SO much for responding Cuyootoo. I have a love/ hate relationship with this site because I dont really get many responses, but i suppose its because many people simply cannot relate to my situation. I'd hate to think it was because of anything else. Its nice to have a place to rant though, so eh. Thanks for the input, I actually broke up with him about an hour ago. No big fight, just tired of the misunderstanding. And i want to be sober so bad that i just have to accept that we will never be on the same mental page about certain issues.

LosingmyMisery

I can relate to your situation and I think you are doing a great job of trying to stay away from the beer. What do you do? I know you're used to grabbing one and drinking it, etc. As far as your husband thinking alcoholism is a lack of willpower, that is ignorance. Not to bad mouth your husband, but that way of thinking is very common for normal drinkers. Stay online and get to that meeting. You can only hold out for so long on your own. Then, perhaps a long talk with your husband. If you are going to live up to your commitment, no booze in the house would be a great start. You need him on your side to help you along the way. Good luck!

SadRN

Geeze Goldie- I wish I could send you a real hug, instead of an online one. As an outsider looking at what you've described in your relationship, It sounds like you've thought about leaving before? Would sitting him down and telling him you need NO alcohol at ALL in the house be something he'd do? I honestly don't know If I'd be strong enough to bypass the frig knowing there was alcohol in there- I'm pretty early in this recovery stage- 16 days, but I hope at some point down the road, I'll be able to be around it without being so "Centered on the fact that it is RIGHT THERE!!!!" I'm lucky, because my Husband is very supportive and doesn't drink. But I do worry about having to stop gatherings at our house where people would be drinking, or go out to partys where there will be alcohol. But I guess my sober life is much more important than any of that, so if something has to go, so be it.
My relationship with my husband has been strained since my last big screw up. I'm sure it's going to take a lot of effort on my part to fix things, and he feels he can't trust me. There is no magic fix for that, I just have to wake up each day recommited to the fact that I'm an ex-drinker. It sucks, especially since I feel so guilty for doing the damage. Hang in there, go to that meeting, and make sure to keep us posted.