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Letting My fortress down, and trusting Im making the right choice!!


Letting My fortress down, and trusting Im making the right choice!!

Old 12-02-2011, 03:13 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Los Angeles,CA
Posts: 6
Letting My fortress down, and trusting Im making the right choice!!

Im not sure how to start this off but here it goes. I feel I have no one who can relate at least who wants to be clean. I know itís my own doing I choice to shut the world out and keep bad company but I know I need help and am trying to get into treatment. Which I donít know how to feel about that. I mean my support system has washed there hands of me but Im glad they did, Iíve always been the girl who doesnít listen and pushes it as far as she can and has to learn things in my own hard headed stubborn way. I not proud of who Iíve let out and have the privilege to look at each morning. But for the moment I choice to let my addiction rule me. Yeah I have a lot of issues that I am fully aware of and not denying them one bit, I can see them trying to fight threw my wall everyday, I just donít know how to make the next step. Well yea Im to everything to get into treatment but Im co-dependent, ocd mixed with meth perfectionist at my worst which isnít a bad thing. I loving feeling and portraying that oh so perfect tweaked out women Iíve learned to love and hate in more ways then Iíd like to share. Im in a relationship which has been unbelievable heart pounding heart wrenching good and bad. I admire him very much and whenever this journey takes us I just want him to be at peace with himself. And if we work out awesome and I hope we do but if not it is what is. All I know is I need to get clean. I know bits and parts of his on going addiction for close if not longer than 10 years. Im 21 and heís 28 and I love that were Virgoís but at the same time were the same and we clash. I have been in my off and on addiction for 4 or 5 years. I turned him in one night we were fighting, one of our famous never ending drunk fights. You cant fight with an alcoholic. So I chose to get high and ended up turning him in on his warrantís and I had enough of the back a forth and he was beyond gone, so was I but that was the end result. He has 3 duiís and has another pending in a different county and looking at least a 6 to a year if he doesnít complete treatment heĎll have to serve that time all over so maybe two at the worst. As much as I love him and want us to work Im just losing myself in my twisted tweeker non sense. But on the other hand Im making all the steps for myself and multitask getting his court/treatment figured out. But I snapped tonight when everyone but him will admit me blames everyone but himself for his actions, and I flat out told him he has to help himself, I cant do everything. Ive done everything I can think of and there's literally nothing more I can do. I do understand thereís only so much he can do when his in jail but enough is enough and I snapped. Thatís were we differ I have no problem admitting when I was at fault Iíve been ďwrongĒ all my life, it's nothing new and if something isnt right I'll say something and bring it to light. I dont like brushing things under a rub and acting like it's no big deal but thatís my biggest down fall I just turn evil when you just point out **** you shouldnít and hurt my feelings. Im the sweetest girl,oh so innocent but no one believes it until it happens but under that is a girl who will tear you apart if you hurt her. By no means am I proud Im so ashamed of the things Iíve said and done but whenever I have ever shared anything I try to worn people. I know it doesnt make it right but, I learned from the best aka my father but I donít need to explain him itís written out already not to mention heís also an alcoholic repeat offender of the duiís and ending a 19 year old boys life so it speaks for it self. So Im at a loss. I know whatís right and what I need to do for myself and I desperately want to change my ways but I cant. I mean I told him up front I need to do this for me thatís the only way it will work, he was butt hurt but everyone knows damn well Iíve tried to stop for of everyone under the sun, itís always been my famous excuse and I know how bad Iíve gotten and Im tired of hating myself. I want more than this, I deserve a happy productive life. Im just not sure who to trust or believe and understand whatís Im trying to stay but I thinks it will come off as that evil spiteful bitch Iíve always had a special place in my heart for. I hope theirs is understanding and support out there. I donít know
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Old 12-02-2011, 04:42 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Randolph NJ
Posts: 70

I think you're going to find that the hardest thing about stopping using once you get past the physical addiction, is the effect it is going to have on every single relationship that you've had in your life. Some friends and family and bfs/gfs are not going to accept you as a clean and sober person, at least that's what happened to me.

The friends I still have after getting sober are what I would consider my "real friends". They supported me in getting sober and forgave me for being such an ass when I was a drunken *******. That being said you have to do this for yourself, first and foremost. If you try to do it for any other reason you will fail.

It sounds like from your post that you want to get clean and that's a great first step. Just stay strong and positive, read these boards and post more to get a grip on your problem and if you want it bad enough getting clean will happen. Good luck to you.
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Old 12-02-2011, 03:22 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 209,043
Hi Tracie

I think recovery is a time of change - it needs to be...

Focus on yourself and whats best for you - recovery definitely needs to be from within you and for you.

I found that those who really love you will want the best for you too and they will fall in line and support you

Those who don't - at least you discover that.

Glad to have you with us - you'll find a lot of support here

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Old 12-02-2011, 04:04 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Tracie!

I'm really glad you've decided you deserve a better life.

It's OK to put yourself and your sobriety first - in fact, it's the best thing you can do right now. Get lots of support (treatment is always a good idea, if you can go) and take things a day at a time. We're behind you!
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