Eliasson

I'm so tired of posting about this, so please excuse cuz here I go again. I'm in a deep, scary depression. I feel unworthy, unloved, like somehow my whole life is just a giant mistake. I've felt this way off and on for as long as I can remember. Lately the very real thought of just being able to have a glass or two of wine is in the forefront of my head. I wish I could be normal. I don't know how to socialize without alcohol, how to have a relationship with my husband without alcohol. Drinking took away my fear of people and of life in general. I just don't know how to do life without it. When I'm not working or taking care of my son(s), I'm useless, sitting on the couch crying constantly. Wondering why I'm here and what the purpose of this life is. Am I mentally ill? Christmas is depressing too because I just can't afford very many gifts and I feel bad and don't know what to do. I'm almost 4 months sober, and things seem to be getting harder. The only day I have off is Sundays, so making meetings is close to impossible. Y'all are all I have, and I haven't even been coming around here much lately. I know God supposedly never gives you more than you can handle, but He must have me confused with someone else. All of this is just too much to handle. I need help. This is, once again, the only place I know or have to come and really say how I'm feeling. What can I do to feel better about myself and my life? How can I get over this deep fear of doing or saying ANYTHING without benefit of alcohol? What I want more than anything is to be happy and at peace sober, to be the best I can possibly be in all areas of my life. Forget happy, I'll take content. I want to be the one helping others, not the one constantly in need of help myself. Thank you for being here, once again. When will it ever get easier?

InParticular

It sounds like you have a serious depression. You should talk to your doctor. You sound a lot like how I used to feel. It sucks. Tell your doctor you need help. I know we're not supposed to give medical advice but I'm on antidepressants and they've helped hugely. Not for everyone though.

sissy07

Eliasson,

Thank you so very much for posting....I have missed you. Check you PM's for some information.

soberjim

Eliasson, I'm not therapist or anything like that. I read your post, thank you for posting it, and am sorry you are struggling. I wish I could write something profound that would help you but all I can really say is alcohol will not make things better!

Nobody's is unworthy. Christmas can be a depressing time for those with limited finances, but Christmas, despite what the marketing folks would have us think, is not about the materials.

If you feel like you are in a dark place with depression, try to get professional help. Again, alcohol is not your friend. There are no benefits to alcohol. It will just take your money and make your feel worse. Believe that!.

I truly wish you feel better. Please post and let people know how you are doing!

Jim

lostnalone

Recovery is definitley hard, no doubt about it. Reach out to any and all resources available to you. The internet, library, local AA meetings etc are all great places to start. When I am busy with positive recovery activites....I am happiest. Take everyday step by step. Everytime you fall asleep at night its like a reset button, the next morning is a new opportunity, we start everyday with a blank slate.

Shining~Again

Thanks for posting this - and please continue posting. If everyone stopped writing whatever they needed a hand and some feedback because it was similar to something they wrote before, I doubt there'd be much going on. At all.

Everything you spoke of I just nod affirmatively to.
You have a lot of clean and sober time. That's something to celebrate hourly!

But I know what you mean about the down in the dumps, and beyond, feelings.
I like what lostnalone said about how every day is a fresh start. It's hard to stay in the moment, especially now that the holidays are coming. Same problems for me as you said.

Am going to PM you. I'm not very comfortable about putting myself out here on the forums yet. Getting there...but not today. :-)

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Eliasson.

Thanks for posting this. I don't have any experience with clinical depression—if you think there's a chance that's what it is, please talk to a professional.

That said, you have a lot of challenges right now that go beyond recovery. I think anyone would feel overwhelmed. I know you don't have a lot of downtime, but is there any way to squeeze in some time for yourself? Maybe take a class on Sundays or go for a long walk or do something else, anything else, that's just for you?

You know a glass of wine or two won't help. And you know it probably won't just be just a glass or two.

You help others every time you post. Posts about struggles are every bit as helpful as posts about successes, maybe even more so. You help people without even knowing it.

You are the second mother in two days who's posted on SR about holiday financial stress. Here's the thing: this year you are giving your kids the greatest gift you have ever given them: your recovery.

Unworthy? I doubt you've ever been more worthy.

NewBeginning010

Its hard, some of us have been living with alcohol in our daily lives for 30 plus years so facing life without it is a real challenge & complete life change.

Can I ask how long you have been sober for?

You can do this ~ NB

Dee74

I know you have a lot of things going on in your life besides recovery Eliasson.
I think it would be a full plate for anyone.

I think I've said this before, but please do look into some counselling or therapy - sounds like you really need support.

You really need some coping skills too - drinkings simply not an option anymore and we both know that.

Counselling would help with helping you develop some coping skills too.

my thoughts and prayers are with you
D

SSIL75

You have off on Sundays... how are your nights during the week? Are there support groups that the hospital where you could get help with your son?

I'm not convinced this is alcohol related at all. Not that you shouldn't post about it. But I just mean that you have a lot in your life that is bringing you down. I'm not sure what your son's prognosis is but that aside I know you don't feel relaxed in your marriage. And that's all depressing.

Have you talked to the doctor about medication for depression? Whatever gets you to a point where you can make changes in those areas you can change is crucial, I think.

Forget about alcohol. I really don't think it's the problem and I know for sure it's not the solution

Threshold

I'm so tired of posting about this, so please excuse cuz here I go again. I'm in a deep, scary depression.

Hugs, I understand how hard a depression is. Alcohol is a depressant and it will only make these horrible feelings worse

I feel unworthy, unloved, like somehow my whole life is just a giant mistake. I've felt this way off and on for as long as I can remember.

I know you feel that way, and that is a serious thing in and of itself, but please try to remember that feelings are NOT reality, they pass. You are already a very important and cherished member of our community here.


Lately the very real thought of just being able to have a glass or two of wine is in the forefront of my head.

Your persistent honesty is one of the things that is going to aid you in your recovery


I wish I could be normal.

You sound totally normal to me. Truly nothing you have ever posted has been bizarre, hard to understand or strange. You may have an issue with drinking, but everyone has issues with something. You are normal.


I don't know how to socialize without alcohol, how to have a relationship with my husband without alcohol.

You haven't had much time or opportunity to socialize without alcohol, but from the way you post and interact here, I promise you are miles above most people, sober or otherwise as far as social skills. And from what you shared, it is hard to have a relationship with someone who behaves as your husband does. It takes two and by that I do not mean it takes you plus a bottle of wine.




Drinking took away my fear of people and of life in general.

No it didn't, it may have masked your fear, but it did NOT take it away. If only alcohol was that kind to truly remove our limitations once and for all.


I just don't know how to do life without it.

It doesn't appear that life WITH alcohol was proving to be a success. I think you will be surprised that you CAN do life without it, and do it better. All the skills required are quite learnable.


When I'm not working or taking care of my son(s), I'm useless, sitting on the couch crying constantly.

Hugs, you have a lot to cry about these days. Even for something as difficult as active addiction, there is a grieving we go through, as we say goodbye to a way of life. And without our anesthesia, we feel some things we previously stuffed down, and do some grieving over that as well. Crying is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with us.




Wondering why I'm here and what the purpose of this life is.

I think that is a question we all wrestle with. ANd I think the answer changes throughout our lives. For a long time, my purpose, my main responsibility was to take care of my children. Now they are adults and I am again tussling over the purpose question...I think for now it's fair to say my most pressing issue it to move forward in recovery. That's a pretty decent purpose.




Am I mentally ill?

Maybe. If so, then what? Mental illness, like most illnesses comes in a variety of degrees. Sometimes it is a quick acute issue, based on a circumstance, and it passes. Sometimes it is mild but chronic. etc. Don't assume the worst.


Christmas is depressing too because I just can't afford very many gifts and I feel bad and don't know what to do.

Hugs again, it is very hard when we can't live up to our own expectations. Christmas, if all the holiday TV specials are to be believed, is about more than gifts. Most of us, at some point in our lives, get the opportunity to test that theory. I know I have. I think the best thing to do is to live what is reality. If you can't afford a lot of gifts, give only what you can afford. I pulled the plug on senseless giving decades ago. Because giving people I don't know very well things they don't need just because it's Christmas, doesn't make much sense. And truly, I don't know even most of my relatives very well. They have their close family to give them gifts. Everyone was actually grateful when I said "let's not exchange gifts anymore" and we all just took care of our own immediate families.


I'm almost 4 months sober, and things seem to be getting harder.

I am glad you said "seem" to be getting harder, allowing that it might not actually be the case. As our vision clears we see things we missed before. Maybe the situations aren't harder, we are just seeing bits we were not able to discern when in active addiction.

but yes, sometimes things get harder, that does not mean we are doing something wrong, it is just how the cycles of life operate.


The only day I have off is Sundays, so making meetings is close to impossible.

I live in a place where there are no meetings. So I feel your frustration, the great thing is that there IS a place like SR to fill in the blanks.

Y'all are all I have, and I haven't even been coming around here much lately.

But it is clear you come here when you need support, and BEFORE you do anything to jeapordize your sobriety. Wonderful!


I know God supposedly never gives you more than you can handle, but He must have me confused with someone else. All of this is just too much to handle.

I was in that frame of mind very recently, then a thought was put into my head. I never get more than I can handle today. Meaning that if I stay in today, I can handle it. It's when I start trying to handle tomorrow and next week that I get overwhelmed. All I am promised is today. When I start tensing up, I remember the "today" part and let go of tomorrow and all it's challenges.



I need help. This is, once again, the only place I know or have to come and really say how I'm feeling.

You've come to the right place!


What can I do to feel better about myself and my life? How can I get over this deep fear of doing or saying ANYTHING without benefit of alcohol?

what you can do is to continue all you are doing, working a program of recovery, not drinking, coming here for support, listening to how others have taken on life sober. Everything you ARE doing is going to help you overcome. just keep at it.



What I want more than anything is to be happy and at peace sober, to be the best I can possibly be in all areas of my life. Forget happy, I'll take content.

You are on your way, all of us are on the way.


I want to be the one helping others, not the one constantly in need of help myself.

Everytime you post here, you are helping all of us. Don't for a moment think otherwise.


Thank you for being here, once again. When will it ever get easier?

There will be days that are easier, and days that are harder. That is life. But in general life does get better as we day by day engage in it.

FML

Eliasson,
I just want to let you know that I am afraid also. I struggle daily with anxiety, and a lot of it is social anxiety. I am scared of bad things happening all of the time. I am also scared to answer the phone if it's a number I don't recognize, sometimes even if I do. I am scared when someone knocks at the door. I am scared whenever I have to go somewhere to deal with people if my husband is not with me. I even get nervous checking out at the grocery store or when ordering at restaurants. Hell, even the drive-thru.I am scared of tornados, natural disasters, the end of the world, people breaking into my house, being murdered, watching my children die, having cancer or a tumor or an aneurism, my husband or parents or friends dying, bombs, driving etc... I am not saying that I get scared of these things sometimes. I think about most of those things on a daily basis. Anytime a storm comes now I panic. When jets fly over the possibility of being attacked. When I hear an ambulance I think of someone I love getting hurt. I could go on and on and on..
I know it might not be the same as your depression, but my fears also leave me feeling helpless. And crazy. And Hell yes...alcohol takes the edge off.
My anxiety is a big part of why I decided to stop (Im on day 5, I was getting drunk on average every 1.5 weeks more or less)
I know that it gets way worse days after drinking, and it's bad enough as it is. I believe that by stopping it will help me get myself together so I can deal better with the normal day to day things that are so easy for everyone else. I believe it will help you too.