Windytown4

hi
I have a big thread in another section of this forum about how I am trying to quit smoking pot. but I realizedI should have one here in the newcomers section because I am still using a ton and trying to quit. the forum I posted in I think i smore people in recovery from having quit. anyway- I just want a place to process with people in similar stages as I am .

I am finally going to a therapist / conselor this evening! of course I have already smoked three hits of pot today and this is crazy strong pot so I am pretty messed up.
Every night I think about throwing it away but then just dont. Or I do and then get more. In the past month or two I have had quitting lengths of 2 days, 5 days, 6 days and 11 days. I have some in the house now and some that I gave someone else to hold for me. He is willing to flush it any time and I should too. then I should juts go for it already.
I know I am better withuoth it. I dont know what I am so scared of. I hate feeling like this.
I am embarressed that I am going to be seeing this therapist all stoned or comign sown from being stoned. Not stoned I feel pretty good but stoned I am just wasted!
I had made todays appointment like 10 days ago- planning to stop each night and thinking I would be going to the appointmtnet saying- I am 9 days sober or something. Rather, I am just tired and stoned.
Hoping to quit!!!!!! I am 38 yrs old and started smoking at age 14.

Dee74

Either forum is good windytown - both forums deal with newcomers as well as people with more recovery time

I know you're scared but I hope you'll follow through and make your therapist appointment.

Be honest with them - good luck!

D

Windytown4

thanks Dee. Yes, I am getting ready to go out to it now. I took a rest but I still feel fried in my brain.

Anna

I hope that your appointment goes well.

Windytown4

thanks. the appointment went okay. she is not an addiction counselor but a general therapist. We talked the whole time about my addiction and I did get a little useful perspective. This therapist does not accept insurance- and she is very expensive, but I felt compelled to try her for some reason. I found her okay but not worth the pay out- I am going to look for a therapist that accepts insurance. Meanwhile, I am thinking of going for it with trying to quit again tomorrow.

ACT10Npack

welcome Windytown4. I know its hard to stop but you will be okay. Good luck in your appointment. Flush the weed down the tolet.

Deserto

Windy, keep at it with trying to find the right therapist, both in terms of insurance and that personal "click." I know having a counselor really helped me face up to some of the things I didn't want to face -- and that helped strengthen my resolve.

And I think you should go for it and try again tomorrow. Remember that you get through the day hour by hour and minute by minute. Sometimes thinking of the whole day can be rough.

Have you ever read the Tao of Sobriety? Or read some of the AVRT stickies? I found in the early days I had to really learn to "watch my thoughts" just to keep from picking up again.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

Windytown4

Day one here we go. I threw away the rest of my stuff last night and my husband who was holding onto some for me threw it away (flushed) this morning. I am kind of looking forward to sobriety. Right now I feel hungover and burnt out from smoking till I passed out last night. Let's hope I feel good soon!!!

simian66

Good to see you back in the land of the living Windy! One thing YOU can do which would help prevent relapse, is to not give the pot to your husband or anyone else to look after incase you need it. This will make you less likely to pick up again and also put the responsibility on your shoulders. I remember giving my weed to my son on several occasions, then waiting for him to return from school to tell me where he hid it. In retrospect I don't think it's good to put that onto someone else. Have a think about it. If you can say "I'm never going to do that again", it's a good move towards your recovery. It's about identifying all the loopholes which are staling your success and eliminating them. See if there are other factors which aren't helping and address them too, one at a time. When you relapse it's important to have a postmortem of sorts and analyse what went wrong. Then you put strategies in place to help prevent it happening again.

As a whole, quitting can seem a huge task, almost impossible. But if you break it down into little chunks and deal with them as they arrive, it's achievable. You are learning a new skill. In time you will become a natural at it. Keep on trying!

1undone

Treat this like a death, let yourself go through the mourning phases. Find a new therapist. Your brain may be missing some dopamine, who knows. You've smoked a long time so this is an urgent situation in terms of getting support. You probably need to get to your GP for a check up and long talk too. Hang in there.

Windytown4

noon on day 1 and I feel like ****. Totally jonsing. Looking around for flakes of pot I may have not thrown out- tho I did a very clean sweep so I am not finding any. this pot I had was super strong so I feel extra withdrawal. I just have to ride this out- I know this is going to happen if I quit today or 10 yrs from now---- but I feel crappy. But a little bit hopeful for myself too. I feel weak. ugh!!!

artsoul

Hi Windytown -

I agree with simian that getting sober is like learning a new skill. We don't know anything when we first start out, and the task seems so monumental. Instead of looking at what we can do right now -in the moment- and taking the next step, we tend to panic, and that takes us right back to our addiction.

If you can put off listening to your fear, you may find that right now, in this moment, you're really OK. You can go another minute. Give yourself permission to get all the help you need and be patient with yourself. It really does get better.:ghug3

simian66

I've tried smoking the carpet before Windy... it tastes disgusting! Get up off the floor- you'll wear the skin off your knees looking. Run a hot bath and sit in it until it's cold... These urges have to be ridden, one at a time. You are not going to die. Distract yourself. Check if anyone is in the SR chat. Get some realtime support. Don't put this off any longer. It's poison! You weren't born a smoker. It's unnatural.

Gee Windy, what can I say? Don't keep putting yourself through this. Find that inner strength and trust it will get easier as time ticks on. It actually gets STUPIDLY easy! Within a few months you won't even be thinking about it. You can do this! Just ride those waves.

Windytown4

thanks guys!! I know- I am sick beyond belief of serving the drug lord so to speak- worshipping at the altar of marijuana. I am feeling okay in this moment and feel like I will actually do some things today rather than just sit in a stoned haze. I can do it!!!

simian66

Good for you Windy! Give your brain, lungs and body a break for a while. If you really do feel the urge, I recommend seeing if anyone is in the chat room. Don't be shy. There's sympathetic people in there who know what it's like. It doesn't cost a cent either! It might be worth thinking about that in an emergency. Good luck with the rest of the day.

Windytown4

thanks---! One thing that comes up every time I try to quit is this emptiness- all that time and energy I spent getting high is suddenly empty - and some how I feel bored and restless. IT sounds like a small thing but this is what has led me back to it every time- that bored empty restless thing. I hope that just passes. I know I need to just deal with some level of discomfort that arises and keep on going forward, and I also know that there is a great reward at the end of this struggle- bein free of this addiction and living with clarity. I'm gonna really try this time!!! Because if I don't I could just live my whole life out stoned and never knowing if I could have felt better. Plus, I notice when I am stoned it takes all my energy up so for example I don't interact with my family as much, I just sit in my armcair clutching my pot pie and lighter and basically dancing with my addiction. when I am sober, I tend to sped more time interacting with family and friends and really having to find things to do. But it is also one of the challenegs- feeling all that emptiness in the beginning.

simian66

You can fill that emptiness with something else. Even reading a book would be better than smoking pipes. There must be a book around you can read. Or knitting. I can knit but I don't know how to cast on stitches. My mother was the one who would do that as kids. With knitting it takes time... one stitch at a time... builds into rows... the knitting could be squares sewn together to make a blanket... or a scarf. Embroidery could be fun. All those little cross stitches building up into a picture. Sudoku fills time! I became an expert at that on my son's Brain Training gameboy game. I played Resident Evil 4 for a week straight when I stopped cigarettes! Hadn't really gamed that hard since the space invader days. There's plenty of things to do and you'll have something to show for it at the end. Well, maybe not that much with the gaming! But you will remain sober.

If there's a big vacant gap there, it is probably a good indication how much time this smoking was taking up. It's a full time job maintaining an addiction. Imagine what you can do by just shifting that obsessive focus to something less destructive.

Just getting through each day will take 100% of your effort Windy. At least for the first few days. You have been here before. You know the deal. Just be proud of every SECOND that you manage to keep the smoke from passing your lips. That is achievement in itself! You don't want to go through this time and time again, do you? Just keep this up. In a few weeks your attitude towards weed would have shifted. It will eventually repulse you. Each of these moments you are going through right now will make you stronger. You will get sober time up and won't want to trade that in for a quick smoke. Steady as she goes Windy! Hang in there.

Windytown4

just processing emotions here- day 1 sucks- I feel depressed and lethargic. this whole thing seems huge and ominous! I am okay tho- I know that when I go to sleep at night stoned and coughin I feel like crap and always think- I can't believe I am still here. At least tonight and hopefully many nights to come I can simply go to sleep proud that I am movin towards real happiness. But right now Ifeel sludgey and angry and depressed!!!

Windytown4

posting a lot today- just more processing. Well, heading soon to bed on end of day 1 and I feel pretty good right now! I love the idea of surfing the cravings that some of you mention here. I had about 500 cravings today. anyway- I have done day 1 a million times- even up to day 11 thousands of times. It will be nice to this time get beyond that and embrace sobriety but I am gonna take it one day at a time. Heading to sleep soon- not coughing and yes feeling fairly good about myself! This doesn't predict the future of my quitting- I am jut gonna take it one day at a time and do my best. Good night

Windytown4

Closing in on the end of day 2- went fine- I only had about 250 cravings today as opposed to my 500 yesterday. Starting to get a little energy back. Got some things accomplished today and went out dancing with my husband tonight- that was fun. If I had been stoned I probably would have not motivated to go out dancing. Cravings still strong each day but taking it one day at a time.