Fluffernutter

Ok, so I feel totally and utterly alone. I have over the years slowly drifted away from the many friends that I once had. I don't feel comfortable reconnecting with them now because they all drink very heavily, and being around them might cause me to start drinking again. The one person with whom I've felt close to recently was my boyfriend of 3 years, who just broke up with me due to alcohol. He won't respond to my texts telling him that I am going to counseling and AA meetings. I am starting to think that he never really cared for me in the first place if he won't stand by me while I get through this. I am actively seeking help and am not ignoring the problem that I have! It seems cruel to ignore someone you supposedly love that is in crisis. I just feel empty and alone.

So, my question is:
How can I make new friends that don't rely on alcohol to socialize? I've come to forget how to do it myself, since I've been drinking all of my adult life. I am a pretty shy person (which is probably why I started drinking heavily in the first place), and it is sometimes hard for me to make new friends.

Thanks for your help, guys.

Dee74

What about the people you meet at AA meetings FN - or are they not in your age group?

D

Fluffernutter

They're all mostly older. I am in my mid-twenties.

IndaMiricale

Welcome FN,

Keep trying different meetings . I myself am an AAer and there are many of you out there. In the age group and situation.

And keep coming here, loneliness is not a good thing.

HALT= hungry , angry, lonely, and tired.

Look forward to watching you grow in this journey.

coming_clean

i'm in the same position as you. 28, it seems all social activities envolve around drinking, doing drugs, partying, casual not caring, loosing all control

it's tough, right now I don't have any friends, and my girlfriend is a danger to me because she smokes and does drugs/drinking on a weekly basis.

it's tough. i'm hoping in time things will get better.

Scolova

I've never made friends easily and have sworn off (most of) my old circle of "friends" or as I heard them called more recently "Frienemies". I started to talk to one of them via chat recently on faceb00k he said he had stopped drinking and wanted to hang and talk for a while, I kept a wait and see attitude and within two weeks of his new job he was posting 'drinking' pictures.
I guess I need to get to some different AA meetings and try, seems I have a mental block that tells me "No one wants to be your friend." or "You don't wanna be their friend either."

wow04

I got sober, for good, at the age of 22. It was hard to find friends my own age. Now 8 years sober, all of my friends are older than me. At first it was important to find friends my age, not now. I found that worrying about the age made me lose out on great friendships. Try not to worry about age, but worry about if you connect with that person.

ovrock

This is a serious fear that I shared with a close friend today. My circle will HAVE to change, as like yours, they all drink heavily. I guess at some point you gotta think about self first. If these people were your friends they would support your attempts to change. I am lucky, I got the support of couple people already. And its only day three...

Nirvana1

I'm in my late 20's too.

I think this is normal for everyone in recovery. Having to leave the old friends and try to make new ones is pretty scary. I have to be very picky now because I don't want to hang around social drinkers if I don't have to. It has never been fun being around other drinkers during my sobriety, so I don't really want to go out of my way to meet new people my age.

Living in a new city also doesn't help as I had to leave all of my AA friends behind who were just starting to become closer friends. I think just like anything, it will take time to adjust, and the people you start to see over and over again will become naturally better friends.

pikkle69

I take offense to that! Older people rule!!!

(BTW, what's older???)

Athena50k

During my longest period of sobriety I found a local running group. No never run before, but had no money to do much else and running is free. Knowing there were people waiting for me to show up helped to break the cycle. Once I got better at doing it I meet more people and wanted to try a race which also really helped with staying sober because running with a hangover is BAD news. I have recently had a weak period and I have friends of all ages calling me and emailing me asking were I am. I am pretty private so they don't know what is going on but now 7 days clean I am praying to head out to meet them tonight.

Running might now be your thing as it definitely wasn't mine at first but maybe some other activity that you have always wanted to try but never gave it a chance. When I was looking for something to do for myself in a healthy way I found all kinds of groups. Biking, climbing, variety of water activities. I am sure even if its a little drive you can find young people in your area that want a healthy lifestyle. Just have to look in different place.

Good Luck. I know its tough. I even moved twice to get away from the people I seeked out to make bad choices with. I thought it was the area but it was who I was looking for. Hope you find new people that lift you up and support your healthier lifestyle!

doggonecarl

I know the question in your post was making new friends, and I wish you luck with that, but I would like to comment on your issue with your boyfriend. You are hurt and sound resentful. Both emotions are recovery killers.

I don't know much about extent of your alcohol abuse and the impact of that on your boyfriend. I gather it wasn't good. It was enough for him to end the relationship. Doesn't mean he didn't love you. It just means he is aware that he can't do anything to get you sober. That's on you. Don't expect a few days of recovery to make up for years of damage to the relationship caused by alcohol.

Get sober, walk the walk. Walk it for more than a couple days. Maybe things will change between you. Only good things can come from quitting, even if it doesn't bring your boyfriend back.

Good luck.

gaffo

I've always been supportive of my drinking buddies when they "retired". Now they have been returning the favor. I've learned that there is so much more to our relationships than getting hammered. If you can't hang with someone and not drink then just say good bye.

I'm sorry that I can't give you advice on where to hook up with new friends except that you aren't going to find them under the couch. There are good people in the world--introduce your new self to them.

Good luck!

Pigtails

Hi. I can relate to where you're at, and I'm making an active effort to find sober friends in AA, and to let them know I'm looking to make friends with people who don't drink. There are a lot of young people in AA in my city, and I guess I should be grateful for that. But at this point I would even go to coffee with an older woman because I have found that people who have been sober for a long time have so much wisdom, whereas some of the younger ones are more on-again off-again and I become worried that I'll make friends with someone who will relapse and I think that would affect me negatively more than not being friends with any recovering people does. (I have a lot of weird worries and anxieties though, so this may not apply to you). Anyway I would say don't limit your age group and be willing to make friends with any female who takes an interest in you at AA. And keep going to different AA meetings and ask around for ones that have young people-- any group that meets on or near a college campus usually has young people who go. Good luck and keep us posted. I often wish that people in SR lived near me so that we could be friends in real life.

As far as your ex boyfriend is concerned, I agree with the poster who said that a few days of recovery is not enough to show him that you've changed. Actions count more than words, and he is probably weary to trust you, which makes sense. Just do recovery for yourself, not him, and if you two are meant to be, he will see after time that you are serious and that you have changed. In changing, you may become a different person and want different things, and it may turn out to be a good thing that the two of you parted ways. I know it's hard to believe now, but you really won't know until you've put a great deal of time and energy into recovery. In any event, I wish you strength, peace, and good friendships.

CRAZE

I too am facing having to find new friends and new ways to socialize. Drinking was a huge part of my social existence and by giving that up I had to give up being around some folks who the only common thread we had was hanging out drinking.
I'm new at this recovery thing too. I went to my first AA meeting yesterday, I plan on going to more. In my area there are lots of meetings to choose from. I've even seen AA meetings around here listed for "young people". I'm even going to try a recovery program run by a local church this friday even though I'm not all that religious. I would just encourage you to keep trying, and seek out people who are going through or have went through similar experiences.
The only thing that helps me deal with the feelings of isolation is to stay busy and keep doing something that is related to my recovery. That can be going to a meeting, or doing research online about recovery, or just hanging out on a forum like this reading and posting.

overthis

I can totally to relate to this post. It can seem like everyone in their 20s socializes by drinking but this simply isn't true. We just need to change our frame of thinking to find places to meet new people. Find new hobbies, there are usually clubs/groups dedicated to these hobbies. I am an extremely shy person and find it hard to make new friends but have just been forcing myself to do things I am not comfortable with in order to get the end result I am looking for. Sometimes we have to push ourselves so that we can truly be happy. What do you like to do? Read books, be outdoors, exercise, crafts, church, music? Try new things if you aren't sure!

DrivenHeart85

I'm 26 and the people my age that aren't drinking, are nursing or changing diapers. I've slightly given up on the idea of making a plethora of new friends and am learning to like being alone instead...you can get so much more done, read books, watch movies, go to the gym and no one is telling you how they "Got so freaking wasted last weekend!!!!" or on another edge of terrible, you don't have to hear, "My nipples are bleeding from breast feeding and my husband doesn't help me enough with the baby." To me, neither are worth the hassle and I can't relate to them either so it cuts down a huge portion of people that I'd enjoy spending time with.

DrivenHeart85

Oh but like overthis said, I should note that next summer I will try to join a bicycling club and eventually do some volunteering. I'm working over 50 hours a week right now and am only nearing month 1 of not drinking...so I gotta chillax a bit, or so I've been told. lol But what I'm trying to say is that's good advice for you to follow and also that it will be natural for you to feel lonely without the ex around anymore. I freaked out just like you're doing when I lost my long term bf but I turned to "advanced loner drinking" rather than finding new friends...don't do that.

Fluffernutter

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone!

I'm feeling a little better today about being by myself. I still feel that my ex is being a little cruel by not supporting me at all during this time, and I really wish he would at least talk to me.

My alcohol problem hasn't progressed to daily drinking, and I really only used to drink maybe 1-2 times per month. The problem is that sometimes (but not every time), I would get to the point of drinking so much that I black out. I'm not a nice person when I get that drunk, and it obviously isn't good for me to drink like that, so that's why I decided to quit altogether.

I'll just keep going to meetings and to my therapist every chance that I get. I need to meet new friends, and I know that will take time. I need to build up my self-esteem and get more comfortable talking with strangers.

Jay1980

I'm 30 but with my boyish good looks I usually get mistaken for between 23-25 (kidding about the good looks). I've had trouble finding younger people in AA as well. Tomorrow a friend is taking me to a "Young People's" meeting. People from about 18-35 go to these so maybe after a few weeks of this I'll make some sober, younger friends. But I've been told that the "old timers" are the people you need to be around a lot too to stay sober.