[QUOTE=Impurrfect;3181692](((Seared))) -
Just MY experience, but even at the end of my using, I didn't really want to quit using - I just wanted the damned consequences to go away. I wasn't really happy using when I relapsed, but I didn't want to let it go.

WOW! Now THAT is a profound statement!

Sounds like maybe you aren't ready to give it up. I always find it funny how we can on one hand say we have this devastating affliction that we do not know how to manage, but on the other hand pretend that we know what will/won't work.

Well, sometimes alcohol can be our best advocate. It wasn't until I lost everything that I was willing to open my mind to a solution that I had continued to write off previously.

Good luck to ya, hopefully you hit some sort of bottom before something terrible happens.

I'm sorry about your grandfather, but death itself is the ultimate bottom.

And that is the bottom to which I am doomed, because I will never learn my lesson.

I don't think you are doomed. You are being very hard on yourself.

Fight the battle today.

You will definitely need to change your belief system if you want to live a sober life.

It's hard work, no question about that and it involves making changes.

I hope you find your way.

My belief system?

You need to think positively, believe in yourself that you can do this.

What you're going through sounds really horrible and very painful, Seared. I wish I had an answer for you. I mean an answer that not only worked well, but one that you liked a lot.

The future doesn't sound too rosy from what you say. Hope something turns up.

Well I have been quite stubborn. Why am I being so stubborn?

because if you are like me, you are proud, smart and embarrassed. I've been there. One piece of good news for you. You've made a choice to be here for now. It's a step in the right direction. Take solace in that at least for today. Tomorrow is another day.

I have to be honest, and say that sounds like justification for a drink to me Seared.

Everybody is capable of change - everybody. I believe that categorically.

The question really is are we willing to put in the time, effort and commitment to make the change work?

D

I found it hard to truly want to quit unless I could believe there was something else in life that could fill the role that my various addictions did.

That came in fits and spurts and there was some back tracking, bargaining, foot stamping, etc. It took faith. Not the religious kind, but faith that I could live a different kind of life, a life not at the mercy and doom of my addictions.

The people here are living proof. When my doubt and frustration get the better of me, I tune in here instead of tune out with a substance etc. And I get real humble and put down my pig headed "I KNOW this won't work" attitude and try a suggestion. Or push past my "this is the last thing I want to do today" attitude and do something that I know helps.

And things are changing. Being willing to believe that there is hope for me was enough to get the ball rolling. Wanting a life other than my life of active addiction, got the ball rolling.

This recovery gig is nothing like I imagined. The more and more I realize that, the easier it is to step out on faith again, to take the next suggestion etc.

It really has been some of the simplest little things that have made a big difference.

I know a guy who hates A.A., he's only 27 and the doc gives him three years before he'll be dead; and I think the doctor is being generous here.

He gets drunk and phones me up, and he's like "I don't care, I won't do A.A., I'd rather die first!"

I accept some people never recover and they die; my father died of his alcoholism; but this guy sounds like he wants songs sung about what a hero he is, or something? Like Frank Sinatra I did it my waaaaaaaay.

But all his family just call him an *******.

Seared...These words are coming straight out of your addiction's mouth. Are you really gonna fall for this? Are you really gonna believe these lies? Good god if you are so smart, then you are certainly smarter than to believe the crap your addiction is telling you.

Have you ever read anything about the brain and addiction? what about AVRT?

That's the problem with me. When looking at different choices for recovery, I never admit that I feel like something is for me.

Well I have been quite stubborn. Why am I being so stubborn?

Just a guess, but I think there's part of you that doesn't want to quit drinking. And you are pissed that you are in this predicament where you are talking about never drinking again.

Personally I feel that looking for something to be the end-all-be-all is just keeping you stuck. I know when I was confused and searching (for some years, mind you) I just kept thinking "Someone tell me what to do". Looking to a program, a person, a set of beliefs to do this for me never worked. I do believe that those things can help, but in reality it is up to me to make my life the way I want it to be. Figuring out how I wanted it to be was the first hurdle. I know that what I am about to say is not popular with everyone, but I am just sharing what I believe and what worked for me, and that is these words from the Buddha "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." That is not to say necessarily that one is an island only that I must gather knowledge, I must gather resources and support, I must put the bottle down. I alone must do the work.

There are many, many people here on SR and out there in the "real" world that have put together their own program of recovery. You can do this too, if that is your desire.