Programmer27

17 days sober... yay...

I'm working on my sobriety, hard. Things are getting more difficult as my life improves. (WTF?!) Yeah, that's right, as things get better, the urge to drink increases.

I was one left turn away from the liquor store yesterday, but I ... I don't even know why I didn't go, but I just didn't. It freaking sucked, but once I got home and started playing xbox, I felt better almost instantly.

I keep wondering when I crossed the line. When I was... 20 or so I would drink occasionally and more often than not, I would turn it down because I loved working out etc. Where on earth did that guy go?! I'm almost 25 now and I have such a hard time having fun doing anything other than drinking.

I have got to figure out a way to change my mindset, but I just don't know how. How do you train yourself to think differently?

Pigtails

Hi. We have the same sobriety birthday... I am also on Day 17.

The point where I started examining my drinking was when I was working on other areas of my life. I was addressing my issues and fixing things in my own life and in my relationships etc., but I was drinking so much more! I mentioned it to my therapist and she told me to check out AA or online literature and that's how I wound up here.

I too find that when I'm actively working on issues, my urge to drink increases. I think it's normal because that was our escape/coping mechanism. For me, when things feel hard, and I realize that real growth/change awaits, I automatically want to escape into a bottle, so as not to have to deal with it. It's hard to grow up and face our issues. I think the important thing is to acknowledge it and steam ahead with facing our issues rather than drinking. You are on the right path, from what I can tell.

I too wonder where my drinking crossed the line into very dangerous territory. I think I was genetically pre-disposed to alcoholism and some mental health issues, and at first I leaned on alcohol to cope/fit in/feel comfortable in my own skin. Before I knew it, it had become a dependence-- I needed alcohol for those things. Then, it was an addiction-- I couldn't stay away from it even if I wanted to, and I constantly sought the next "high" even though I realized it was casuing me negative consequences. I don't know if pinpointing the exact moment is necessary, but instead I see my boundaries slowly shifting, my priorities changing, my hopelessness increasing over time, and I would say my real alcoholism starteda bout 8 years ago when I moved to a new place and didn't know anyone and school was hard/frustrating and so I used alcohol as a "friend"/comfort/escape much more than was "normal" -- although I had tendencies towards alcoholism before that.

I think it's great that you are so young and committed to sobriety. I am 30, almost 31, and just now "getting" it. I think you'll be grateful that you made this big step. Keep moving forward!

Robbie86

Hey Programmer , congrats on your sobriety , that's great . I was the same a few months ago , as my life improved my sobriety got tougher and I got complacent and thought I was free of this and bang , back to square one unfortunately . Here is a great link describing PAW and I hope it helps like it helped me . It can take a good while for us to start feeling like ourselves again .

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

Programmer27

I think the funniest thing about my entire drinking career is the way that I drink.

Yea, before my friends knew I was an alcoholic and we would go out, I would be able to drink for 5 or 6 hours and USUALLY maintain myself long enough to get home safely without driving, getting in a fight, or some other ******** crap.

The real kicker though is the way that I drink when I'm in control of how much and how quickly.

My perfect drinking night (3-5 hours) is a fifth of vodka. I'll usually drink it straight and wash down the swigs with a diet coke. Normally I'll pass out within 3-5 hours and almost finish the fifth. I sit in my room and just blackout... a good recipe for death. The best part is that it really isn't even fun, and I feel horrible all the next day. (if I don't wake up and just binge again)

It's absolutely stupid, yet I still get cravings to do it. W.T.F is wrong with my brain?! lol

Fenris

That hasn't really been my experience Programmer -- my desire to drink decreases as my life improves -- but as for training yourself to think differently, I've heard a lot of oldtimers talk about how they got sober with their feet a long time before they got sober with their head. This basically just means that I have to take daily actions, whether I want to or not, whether I understand them or not, and at some point my thinking started to change all by itself. That doesn't mean that I never have s****y days...but it does mean that they're the exception rather than the rule. I also found that my brain chemistry didn't really level itself out until a little after a month sober. Dunno, maybe something there will help you out. Stay strong.

--Fenris.

Programmer27

I am definitely sober physically, but not mentally. I want to be proactive and make changes to my way of thinking, but I just... I can't go back to being my old happy self for some reason.

I want to be the person I was 6 or 7 years ago. Sure I had my moments, but at least I could be happy sober.

Sorry, I'm probably venting at this point, but coming here helps me somehow.

Ksquared87

I am in kind of the same boat. It is hard to find happiness outside of the bottle at this point, but as the others said it comes with time. You said you used to be a bit of a workout nut. I was the same way too, but drinking kind of ruined any sort of motivation to workout (working out with a hangover sucks). Have you thought about joining a gym? Since my sober date (11/8/11) I've been to the gym constantly with my girlfriend. It is a really great way to blow off some of the stress that drinking used to 'cover up.'

Programmer27

I am living with my roommate in a small town without a gym right now.

I will be moving to the city in which I work on December 10th, and you better believe I'll find a gym.

DayTrader

I dunno but it may be that you're a real alcoholic and have alcoholism. If that's the case, "not drinking" won't do much.....not for long anyway. Not drinking doesn't treat alcoholism.....nor does it cure it. If drinking was your problem, "not drinking" would feel better. If alcoholism is your problem, not drinking is a start but far from the solution.

It doesn't matter WHEN so much as it does IF. From what you're describing, it sure sounds like you did cross it. So be it though, right? What you're going to do about it going forward is FAR more important than what happened in the past.

As far as a solution to what you're asking for.....AA guarantees theirs and I've yet to see it not work for anyone who did the work.

sugarbear1

Things got worse for me, too. Day 12, I went to an aa meeting, was gonna give up on what little sobriety I had. A woman shared my story, I spoke with her. She was willing to help me on days 14 + 15 she showed me all 12 steps & we went to work. That woman + the steps saved my life.

I was hopeless and deperate until that time. I had a profound change during that Memorial Day weekend. I have had no desire nor craving since then.

AA isn't for everyone, but when drinking stops being the solution and living without it sucks, there is a solution for some people.

I wish you well,

Dee74

if you're like me programmer you've drunk for years - 17 days is great but it's just the beginning - it's a blip.

Change takes time - give yourself time to change

As for life getting worse - I relied on drinking for nearly everything - it was my universal mood stabiliser and problem fixer...you better believe life got harder without that, for a while

Stick with it programmer - use whatever support you have to get you through the rougher seas - it gets better

D

Programmer27

I am a real alcoholic, I openly admit that.

flamingredhair

So, I'm not the only one.

For the first 15 days or so my cravings were minimal. Now that I'm starting to feel somewhat like myself again... sleeping well, eating better, no shakes, etc. the cravings are getting worse. I find myself thinking, "What could be so bad about one more blow out? I'd just have to start over from day 1. No biggie."

I realize how insane that sounds. I haven't forgotten the awful feelings that got me to go the ER and end up in detox for three days.

I guess it's that awful alcoholic voice. *******.

But it does help when I come here. Lots of folks have been through this and more. We need to lean on each other.

1undone

I empathize with the craving and obsessive thinking! It sucks. My addiction is doing push-ups ans strength traing waiting to tackle me! The voice is very loud during the holidays so I'm tring to go to a lot of meetings and post here. I've never had to be so vigilant in my life!!! Makes me nuts but I must say I have a lot of support. This site being a good amount, just reading does it for me most days.

eJoshua

Boy, do I know what you mean. It was the same for me. I would have some success in staying sober for a brief period of time and as soon as I started seeing some light at the end of the tunnel I would turn around and run for the hills. It's like I couldn't let myself be happy.

I think it gets a lot easier over time. As you noticed, once you resisted the urge and went home it eventually passed.

I think many of us get entrapped in this mindset that is very short sighted when it comes to alcohol. We have trained ourselves to be slaves to the desire to drink. It's very difficult to break this cycle, but over time it gets easier to resist those impulses.

Great job staying sober yesterday. Every little victory like that is a huge success. Keep flexing your sobriety muscles and they will only get stronger.