Another "Newbie" who is happy to be here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 54
Another "Newbie" who is happy to be here.
Hello everyone- I've googled support groups and alcoholic support in the past, but just stumbled on SR this week. After spending some time reading the posts, especially in the sections for those who are just starting out, I am so happy to have found you all.
This week was my "IT." The bottom, no going back, OMG what have I turned into experience. I've just turned 40, and have had a problem controlling my drinking since my early 20's. My late 20's to mid 30's were spent living with a much more "advanced" alcoholic. Drinking every day didn't seem like such a strange thing, since I wasn't alone. You would have thought that watching my best friend die in my arms at the age of 43 would have been enough to wake me up? Nope. I actually started drinking more for a period of time, up to a 30 pack of ice beer a day. I forgot what it felt like to go through the day not having to hide my hand shakes, or feeling like I was going to vomit. The highlight of my day was when I was pulling in my driveway after work....I knew I was within a few minutes of that first wonderful drink heading into oblivion.
Fast forward a year or so. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. He didn't like my drinking much, so I cut down a LOT. I went from every day to once or twice a month....but when I did it, I did it in a BIG way. Eventualy we got married, but we did have issues about my drinking. Finally I agreed to stop entirely. And I started to drink in secret. I figured what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, and if it was just when he wasn't around, it wouldn't be THAT bad, right? RIIIGGGHHHTTTT....Several instances followed where I got caught, and felt like crap, promised him I'd never do it again, wrestled with the guilt of hurting him. I'd be sober for a few days/weeks/month....but then start sneaking it again.
This week, I had a particularly "sad" day, dealing with family stress and other issues. I went to take my nightly shower, and poured myself the last 2-3 inches of vodka from the bottle I had hidden. I have no idea what happened. I remember drinking it in the shower to hide it from my husband, and starting to feel a little buzzed. The next thing I know, I'm laying in the shower with my husband calling my name. I don't remember it all, only bits and pieces. I remember him telling me that EMS was there. I remember him helping me into our room, hearing him go down and tell the Paramedics that I was OK. I lost it, sobbing and telling him how sorry I was, and how ashamed I was of the fact that I can't control my drinking.
The next day, he filled me in on all of the horrific details. How I fell, giving myself some nifty bruises- how he tried to wake me for 15 minutes before he called 911. How he wrestled with the decision to let the ambulance take me to the ER. BTW, did I mention I'm a nurse who works in that ED? How my biggest horrible secret would have been out there for all of my friends and coworkers to see? I'm now slathering makeup on my beautiful black eye I have, caused when I faceplanted in the shower. I'm walking on eggshells around my poor husband. I talked with him the next day, and finally found out some truely horrible things that I've done to my family while drinking, but never rememberd the next day.I'm now faced with living up to the promise I made to the Hubby that I would seek counseling, and how I'm going to get over the fact that I've been a really horrible person, and caused a lot of damage to people. I feel like a terrible person, a terrible wife, and even worse mother. So today is day 3, and I am committed to NEVER drinking again. I just hope I'll be able to redeem myself in time? It certainly helps to know I can come here and "talk" to people who understand.
This week was my "IT." The bottom, no going back, OMG what have I turned into experience. I've just turned 40, and have had a problem controlling my drinking since my early 20's. My late 20's to mid 30's were spent living with a much more "advanced" alcoholic. Drinking every day didn't seem like such a strange thing, since I wasn't alone. You would have thought that watching my best friend die in my arms at the age of 43 would have been enough to wake me up? Nope. I actually started drinking more for a period of time, up to a 30 pack of ice beer a day. I forgot what it felt like to go through the day not having to hide my hand shakes, or feeling like I was going to vomit. The highlight of my day was when I was pulling in my driveway after work....I knew I was within a few minutes of that first wonderful drink heading into oblivion.
Fast forward a year or so. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. He didn't like my drinking much, so I cut down a LOT. I went from every day to once or twice a month....but when I did it, I did it in a BIG way. Eventualy we got married, but we did have issues about my drinking. Finally I agreed to stop entirely. And I started to drink in secret. I figured what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, and if it was just when he wasn't around, it wouldn't be THAT bad, right? RIIIGGGHHHTTTT....Several instances followed where I got caught, and felt like crap, promised him I'd never do it again, wrestled with the guilt of hurting him. I'd be sober for a few days/weeks/month....but then start sneaking it again.
This week, I had a particularly "sad" day, dealing with family stress and other issues. I went to take my nightly shower, and poured myself the last 2-3 inches of vodka from the bottle I had hidden. I have no idea what happened. I remember drinking it in the shower to hide it from my husband, and starting to feel a little buzzed. The next thing I know, I'm laying in the shower with my husband calling my name. I don't remember it all, only bits and pieces. I remember him telling me that EMS was there. I remember him helping me into our room, hearing him go down and tell the Paramedics that I was OK. I lost it, sobbing and telling him how sorry I was, and how ashamed I was of the fact that I can't control my drinking.
The next day, he filled me in on all of the horrific details. How I fell, giving myself some nifty bruises- how he tried to wake me for 15 minutes before he called 911. How he wrestled with the decision to let the ambulance take me to the ER. BTW, did I mention I'm a nurse who works in that ED? How my biggest horrible secret would have been out there for all of my friends and coworkers to see? I'm now slathering makeup on my beautiful black eye I have, caused when I faceplanted in the shower. I'm walking on eggshells around my poor husband. I talked with him the next day, and finally found out some truely horrible things that I've done to my family while drinking, but never rememberd the next day.I'm now faced with living up to the promise I made to the Hubby that I would seek counseling, and how I'm going to get over the fact that I've been a really horrible person, and caused a lot of damage to people. I feel like a terrible person, a terrible wife, and even worse mother. So today is day 3, and I am committed to NEVER drinking again. I just hope I'll be able to redeem myself in time? It certainly helps to know I can come here and "talk" to people who understand.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Roxboro, NC
Posts: 544
Welcome to SR!!!
Thank you for sharing that and congrats on your 3 days sobriety.
I think a lot of use started in with those same feelings of guilt and shame. I know I felt as though I had some redeeming to do.
Take it slow. You can't make it up all at once and if you try you put too much pressure on yourself and run the risk of losing it all. Trust, love and redemption will come in time.
I'm glad you are here. Take it slow and stay strong.
Thank you for sharing that and congrats on your 3 days sobriety.
I think a lot of use started in with those same feelings of guilt and shame. I know I felt as though I had some redeeming to do.
Take it slow. You can't make it up all at once and if you try you put too much pressure on yourself and run the risk of losing it all. Trust, love and redemption will come in time.
I'm glad you are here. Take it slow and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
Thank you so much for sharing your story, SadRN. Sober Recovery is a great place to start. Have you begun to think about a plan to stay sober in the future?
When I first realized I needed to stop drinking, it seemed unbelievable that my feelings of shame wouldn't always be there to keep me from going back - what a nasty little surprise that was! Addiction is very powerful, and in my case the need to drink overrode whatever awful things I did or felt.
It sounds like you have a lot worth fighting for, though. As far as being a horrible person - there are no horrible people, only horrible behaviors. Sometimes it takes a while for people to understand that we have really changed - actions speak louder than words - but I am willing to bet that your family will be patient with you
They love you, after all.
When I first realized I needed to stop drinking, it seemed unbelievable that my feelings of shame wouldn't always be there to keep me from going back - what a nasty little surprise that was! Addiction is very powerful, and in my case the need to drink overrode whatever awful things I did or felt.
It sounds like you have a lot worth fighting for, though. As far as being a horrible person - there are no horrible people, only horrible behaviors. Sometimes it takes a while for people to understand that we have really changed - actions speak louder than words - but I am willing to bet that your family will be patient with you
They love you, after all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: appleton, wi
Posts: 3
I am on day 3 today as well and a new user of this site. I have found that the hardest part of the day for me is on my way home after work as well as when my husband is out of town or gone from the home. Today will be one of those days. Can anyone suggest how I can get through tonight alcohol free?
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
Welcome SadRN! We have a few nurses here. You are not alone.
It was important for me to take the shame I felt and try to turn it into hope. Shame made me want to drink. What keeps me sober is enjoying my sober life and not much else.
Please keep posting.. even when you don't feel like it. Early sobriety can be very tough but I can't even express how 'worth it'.
btw I also had a 'collapsing in the bathroom' moment
Although I didn't stay unconscious. But I broke the toilet seat and pulled down the towel rail. Didn't stop drinking then of course. Had to really see hope in sobriety, first.
It was important for me to take the shame I felt and try to turn it into hope. Shame made me want to drink. What keeps me sober is enjoying my sober life and not much else.
Please keep posting.. even when you don't feel like it. Early sobriety can be very tough but I can't even express how 'worth it'.
btw I also had a 'collapsing in the bathroom' moment
Although I didn't stay unconscious. But I broke the toilet seat and pulled down the towel rail. Didn't stop drinking then of course. Had to really see hope in sobriety, first.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Roxboro, NC
Posts: 544
Originally Posted by beaver 
I am on day 3 today as well and a new user of this site. I have found that the hardest part of the day for me is on my way home after work as well as when my husband is out of town or gone from the home. Today will be one of those days. Can anyone suggest how I can get through tonight alcohol free?
Stay here and read and post your feelings. You have 3 days now, congrats!
You can get through day 4!!!
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
SadRN, glad to see you come to SR , you find great support here.
I also was a heavy daily drinker for many years. Decided to get sober in June and just turned 40 in Sept.
Its a great time in our lives to break out and live free. Keep comin back
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Philly PA
Posts: 814
Hi SadRN - sounds like you've had a tough time. I think the only way to really stop is to be super committed and have a plan. Like find and throw out EVERY hidden bottle. Get a script for Antabuse - do whatever you need to so you can stop.
Sounds like you have a good life there that alcohol keeps trying to take from you - don't let it. You can do this.
Hope to see you back and congratulations on Day 3.
Find us and join the Class of November 2011 - there's still time to join
Sounds like you have a good life there that alcohol keeps trying to take from you - don't let it. You can do this.
Hope to see you back and congratulations on Day 3.
Find us and join the Class of November 2011 - there's still time to join
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,047
Welcome SadRN.
While the past will resolve itself in time, I think looking at your future as a sober person will be the most beneficial. The reason for this is that if you keep on moping / crying over what happened that day and in the past, while completely valid to be ashamed over, would only cause you depression and most likely leading you back to the bottle.
Positivity in early sobriety is so very critical in my opinion because it helps the person overcoming the addiction to focus on the positives in life. For example - You have a husband, you have a house, you have kid(s), you have a job, you can put food on the table... etc etc. Life is a very special tool that we usually always take for granted and are not usually thankful for a lot of things that we have in life.
Again: Stay positive, exercise, go to counseling, and live life looking at the "now" and future.
Best of luck to you.
Welcome to the forum Beaver and congratulations on day 3 also!
While the past will resolve itself in time, I think looking at your future as a sober person will be the most beneficial. The reason for this is that if you keep on moping / crying over what happened that day and in the past, while completely valid to be ashamed over, would only cause you depression and most likely leading you back to the bottle.
Positivity in early sobriety is so very critical in my opinion because it helps the person overcoming the addiction to focus on the positives in life. For example - You have a husband, you have a house, you have kid(s), you have a job, you can put food on the table... etc etc. Life is a very special tool that we usually always take for granted and are not usually thankful for a lot of things that we have in life.
Again: Stay positive, exercise, go to counseling, and live life looking at the "now" and future
.Best of luck to you.
Welcome to the forum Beaver and congratulations on day 3 also!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Where the sun is always shining
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by SadRN
Hello everyone- I've googled support groups and alcoholic support in the past, but just stumbled on SR this week. After spending some time reading the posts, especially in the sections for those who are just starting out, I am so happy to have found you all.
This week was my "IT." The bottom, no going back, OMG what have I turned into experience. I've just turned 40, and have had a problem controlling my drinking since my early 20's. My late 20's to mid 30's were spent living with a much more "advanced" alcoholic. Drinking every day didn't seem like such a strange thing, since I wasn't alone. You would have thought that watching my best friend die in my arms at the age of 43 would have been enough to wake me up? Nope. I actually started drinking more for a period of time, up to a 30 pack of ice beer a day. I forgot what it felt like to go through the day not having to hide my hand shakes, or feeling like I was going to vomit. The highlight of my day was when I was pulling in my driveway after work....I knew I was within a few minutes of that first wonderful drink heading into oblivion.
Fast forward a year or so. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. He didn't like my drinking much, so I cut down a LOT. I went from every day to once or twice a month....but when I did it, I did it in a BIG way. Eventualy we got married, but we did have issues about my drinking. Finally I agreed to stop entirely. And I started to drink in secret. I figured what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, and if it was just when he wasn't around, it wouldn't be THAT bad, right? RIIIGGGHHHTTTT....Several instances followed where I got caught, and felt like crap, promised him I'd never do it again, wrestled with the guilt of hurting him. I'd be sober for a few days/weeks/month....but then start sneaking it again.
This week, I had a particularly "sad" day, dealing with family stress and other issues. I went to take my nightly shower, and poured myself the last 2-3 inches of vodka from the bottle I had hidden. I have no idea what happened. I remember drinking it in the shower to hide it from my husband, and starting to feel a little buzzed. The next thing I know, I'm laying in the shower with my husband calling my name. I don't remember it all, only bits and pieces. I remember him telling me that EMS was there. I remember him helping me into our room, hearing him go down and tell the Paramedics that I was OK. I lost it, sobbing and telling him how sorry I was, and how ashamed I was of the fact that I can't control my drinking.
The next day, he filled me in on all of the horrific details. How I fell, giving myself some nifty bruises- how he tried to wake me for 15 minutes before he called 911. How he wrestled with the decision to let the ambulance take me to the ER. BTW, did I mention I'm a nurse who works in that ED? How my biggest horrible secret would have been out there for all of my friends and coworkers to see? I'm now slathering makeup on my beautiful black eye I have, caused when I faceplanted in the shower. I'm walking on eggshells around my poor husband. I talked with him the next day, and finally found out some truely horrible things that I've done to my family while drinking, but never rememberd the next day.I'm now faced with living up to the promise I made to the Hubby that I would seek counseling, and how I'm going to get over the fact that I've been a really horrible person, and caused a lot of damage to people. I feel like a terrible person, a terrible wife, and even worse mother. So today is day 3, and I am committed to NEVER drinking again. I just hope I'll be able to redeem myself in time? It certainly helps to know I can come here and "talk" to people who understand.
This week was my "IT." The bottom, no going back, OMG what have I turned into experience. I've just turned 40, and have had a problem controlling my drinking since my early 20's. My late 20's to mid 30's were spent living with a much more "advanced" alcoholic. Drinking every day didn't seem like such a strange thing, since I wasn't alone. You would have thought that watching my best friend die in my arms at the age of 43 would have been enough to wake me up? Nope. I actually started drinking more for a period of time, up to a 30 pack of ice beer a day. I forgot what it felt like to go through the day not having to hide my hand shakes, or feeling like I was going to vomit. The highlight of my day was when I was pulling in my driveway after work....I knew I was within a few minutes of that first wonderful drink heading into oblivion.
Fast forward a year or so. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man. He didn't like my drinking much, so I cut down a LOT. I went from every day to once or twice a month....but when I did it, I did it in a BIG way. Eventualy we got married, but we did have issues about my drinking. Finally I agreed to stop entirely. And I started to drink in secret. I figured what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him, and if it was just when he wasn't around, it wouldn't be THAT bad, right? RIIIGGGHHHTTTT....Several instances followed where I got caught, and felt like crap, promised him I'd never do it again, wrestled with the guilt of hurting him. I'd be sober for a few days/weeks/month....but then start sneaking it again.
This week, I had a particularly "sad" day, dealing with family stress and other issues. I went to take my nightly shower, and poured myself the last 2-3 inches of vodka from the bottle I had hidden. I have no idea what happened. I remember drinking it in the shower to hide it from my husband, and starting to feel a little buzzed. The next thing I know, I'm laying in the shower with my husband calling my name. I don't remember it all, only bits and pieces. I remember him telling me that EMS was there. I remember him helping me into our room, hearing him go down and tell the Paramedics that I was OK. I lost it, sobbing and telling him how sorry I was, and how ashamed I was of the fact that I can't control my drinking.
The next day, he filled me in on all of the horrific details. How I fell, giving myself some nifty bruises- how he tried to wake me for 15 minutes before he called 911. How he wrestled with the decision to let the ambulance take me to the ER. BTW, did I mention I'm a nurse who works in that ED? How my biggest horrible secret would have been out there for all of my friends and coworkers to see? I'm now slathering makeup on my beautiful black eye I have, caused when I faceplanted in the shower. I'm walking on eggshells around my poor husband. I talked with him the next day, and finally found out some truely horrible things that I've done to my family while drinking, but never rememberd the next day.I'm now faced with living up to the promise I made to the Hubby that I would seek counseling, and how I'm going to get over the fact that I've been a really horrible person, and caused a lot of damage to people. I feel like a terrible person, a terrible wife, and even worse mother. So today is day 3, and I am committed to NEVER drinking again. I just hope I'll be able to redeem myself in time? It certainly helps to know I can come here and "talk" to people who understand.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
Welcome to SR, SadRN. You're going through a very difficult time right now, but I really like what Gerbosko said about focusing on the positives. There will be time to deal with the consequences from drinking later -- right now, focus on you and staying sober. You can do this -- you never have to drink again. As for being a horrible person, we do horrible things when we're neck-deep in our addictions. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person. In fact, it's been my experience that some of the best, most solidly good people that I've met in life are recovering alcoholics/addicts who've done very bad things in their addictions.
So, go easy on yourself. Yes, you're responsible for the lying, sneaking, etc., -- the bad things you've done -- and one day you'll have to make it right, but right now the best thing you can do is stay sober today and plan on how to stay sober tomorrow. The good in you will naturally come out if you allow it to.
--Fenris.
So, go easy on yourself. Yes, you're responsible for the lying, sneaking, etc., -- the bad things you've done -- and one day you'll have to make it right, but right now the best thing you can do is stay sober today and plan on how to stay sober tomorrow. The good in you will naturally come out if you allow it to.
--Fenris.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 54
I'm reading these posts with tears running down my face- Not sad tears though...Happiness that you are all here. I just made a huge step and called a counselor. I have an appointment bright and early on Monday morning. The idea of physically sitting across from a stranger and trying to put into words how I feel is daunting. I'm trying to figure out how to put everything into wordds- especially without sobbing hysterically. (Note to self...bring lots of kleenex) Day 4 down, and I'm feeling pretty OK. Hugs to you all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by beaver
I am on day 3 today as well and a new user of this site. I have found that the hardest part of the day for me is on my way home after work as well as when my husband is out of town or gone from the home. Today will be one of those days. Can anyone suggest how I can get through tonight alcohol free?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: In a Good Place
Posts: 484
SadRN- Welcome to this site. I am using this site, AA, and a counselor for my recovery. I also told several people so I would be held accountable. Good luck
Beaver- think of something that you have been putting off- cleaning garage or a closet, etc. In the morning you will be so proud of yourself.
Congrats to both of you on three days. Day 7 for me
Beaver- think of something that you have been putting off- cleaning garage or a closet, etc. In the morning you will be so proud of yourself.
Congrats to both of you on three days. Day 7 for me
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,047
Great job SadRN! Great to hear you're going to counseling, I bet your husband is really proud of you too, since it was one of your promises to him and he'll know you're serious about recovery now .
I'm sorry but I seriously laughed out loud when I read that.
Keeping yourself busy is an extremely good idea.
I also found that water helps a lot too. In my early recovery I was drinking about 5 quarts of water a day! As of right now I'm down to 1 - 2 quarts a day. I just use an old Gatorade bottle and carry it with me. I found that I'm obsessed with drinking water, I'd rather have that than the opposite.
.
Evil elephant
Keeping yourself busy is an extremely good idea.
I also found that water helps a lot too. In my early recovery I was drinking about 5 quarts of water a day! As of right now I'm down to 1 - 2 quarts a day. I just use an old Gatorade bottle and carry it with me. I found that I'm obsessed with drinking water, I'd rather have that than the opposite.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,507
So glad you joined us, SadRN & beaver. After drinking my whole life I was able to stop when I reached out for support here. It was amazing how many people had been through exactly the same things I had. Who knew?
Not feeling alone anymore is huge. I hope you'll come to realize that beating yourself up over having a disease will lead nowhere. I had a hard time letting go of guilt and remorse for things I'd done to my family. It kept me drinking to numb the pain for along time. Then I realized I'd never make any progress if I didn't let go of those memories. Sure, keep them filed away as a reminder to never again go back to that sick way of living - but don't let past behavior keep you down. Everyone will see you grow and change as you heal - the bad times will beome a distant memory.
Glad you are with us - we care about you!
Not feeling alone anymore is huge. I hope you'll come to realize that beating yourself up over having a disease will lead nowhere. I had a hard time letting go of guilt and remorse for things I'd done to my family. It kept me drinking to numb the pain for along time. Then I realized I'd never make any progress if I didn't let go of those memories. Sure, keep them filed away as a reminder to never again go back to that sick way of living - but don't let past behavior keep you down. Everyone will see you grow and change as you heal - the bad times will beome a distant memory.
Glad you are with us - we care about you!
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