timetochange

I almost went back and changed my username so no one would know how many times I've tried this and how many times I have failed. But I know that would only be another lie and another secret.
The vicious cycle of drinking, isolating myself, feeling hungover, and drinking again to "feel better" has to stop, right here, right now, today. When I'm drinking (which every night during the week and starts way earlier on the weekends) I have learned that I can say stupid things, so now I just isolate myself - I won't call friends, I won't post on facebook or email. I have begun to irrationally obsess over an old boyfriend and spend hours drafting long babbling emails. Fortunately, I usually don't send them and am very, very grateful for this the next day. However, in my hungover haze, I continue to obsessively think of him, which makes no logical sense whatsoever. I have a demanding but rewarding career, wonderful children, so much ahead of me and so many things I could do and and think about, but alcohol and its effects seem to control my brain and get me stuck in old patterns, thoughts, and behaviors. Oprah says "When you know better, you do better". I DO know better, why aren't I applying it to my life and DOing better??

I read self help books, spiritual books, books about addiction and recovery. I don't watch much television but what I do watch is usually inspiring movies and shows. I journal - writing out my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, my goals. Yet somehow, nothing comes to pass. I don't apply all that I know and learn to myself, to my own life.

I can see glimpses of myself and what my life could look like, be like. But I don't take the steps I need to take to even start the journey there. I know that no one can do this but me. I am capable of so much more. I can barely remember what it feels like to feel free and happy. Everything I read here on SR motivates me- I know that life can be so much better.

I need strength for my day one. I need to do this for myself, for my kids, for my life. I don't want to waste any more time.
Any words of wisdom, personal experiences, or just that you can relate is so appreciated. I can't do this one more day. I just can't.

LoftyIdeals

TTC...you can do this. Just start by not drinking a day at a time; a minute at a time, when necessary. And keep posting!

Welcome to SR, and I am glad you have made your decision to get your life back.

Fenris

Dunno if this is the case with you, but I used to use the obsession I had for an ex-girlfriend as an excuse to keep drinking -- something along the lines of "if I can't be with her, than I'm never going to be happy, so what's the point in being sober?" It didn't matter how well everything else was going in my life, I'd focus in on that one negative and drink over it, instead of accepting it for what it is and moving on to focus on the good things right in front of me.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right and have a lot of reasons to stay sober. How does the cycle start? What leads you back to a bottle after a period of sobriety? What was going on around you or inside you when you relapse? Try asking yourself these questions and work on pinpointing what exactly is making you unhappy enough to drink.

I hope you find a solution that works for you. It's very encouraging that you're honest enough to keep coming back and trying.

--Fenris.

wlaney

Timetochange,

Trust me... I know the feelings of "what if" or I wonder what she is doing. (from my past) But I try to learn that day by day it gets further and further away. I have been sober since Aug 12, 2011.

I know what it is like to review old e-mails when things were great, but that only takes me further away from reality. Alcohol was my escape from reality, and dreaming about that past with her only substitutes booze. I know its difficult. I wish I could reach out to her and tell my feelings but I cant. I tried, usually under the influence writing emails but that only shoved her further away.

This is not advice. I just understand.

tanja

Timetochange, I can relate What a wonderful user name. My recommendation is to recognize a drinking problem for what it is - a life or death situation and fight for your life. Believe in yourself, don't give up, hang onto your dreams, keep on trying. No matter how hard it seems, it will get easier. Take control of your own destiny. Visualize it, want it more than anything and take it one day at a time.

timetochange

Fenris, those are good questions. I definately drink to try to get rid of painful feelings about him and other things in my life. When I return to drinking after some sober time, it's usually stress or just the rationalization that I "can " just drink normally, I don't really have a problem, and a few drinks are no big deal (that's what I tell myself). I try to moderate and pace myself for a few days, but before I know it I'm back to a huge bottle of wine and a confused, sluggish brain.
My first few days sober I feel so great I can hardly contain myself, but then somehow I guess I get used to it and forget how horrible it feels when I drink and go right back to it.

least

The last time I relapsed (the very last time) I burned an image into my brain and my heart. It was how bad I felt after drinking for two days. Now if I get an urge to drink I remind myself of how bad I'll feel, physically and metally, and the urge goes away.

I'm hyper-aware of how bad I felt and how I NEVER want to feel like that again. And it also helps that I'm grateful for all my blessings. Being grateful keeps me in check with my reality, which is that I've got it pretty good, all things considered.

Drinking is a negative, being grateful fills my mind with positives which don't leave much room for negatives.

timetochange

I'm just going to keep reading and reading until I feel better. Knowing that so many of you can relate really helps. The ironic thing is that a big reason we aren't together is my drinking. He was the one who brought it to my attention that I had a problem. I tried to quit while we were together, but I basically just hid it. Without alcohol and when my head it clear, I can accept things much better. But I drink, and then get all obsessive. So ridiculous. Today is hard. I'm anxious, emotional, and a little foggy from drinking last night and not sleeping well. I know if I can get through today tomorrow will be so much better.

wlaney

TTC,

Alcohol IS the reason why my X and I are not together. I hid it from her, but women are alot smarter than men. (She knew) And as much as I wanted to stop I couldnt. It all came to ahead when I was stealing from her. Trust me, its not because I didnt have any feelings for her or loved her dearly. You may ask: "Did you really love her!? You stole from her!!" The anxiety of not drinking was all too powerful. And only an addict understands.

Dee74

I did all this too TTC - but the one thing I didn't do was stop drinking.
I confused all the reading etc...with action...and it's really not.

It's like I built this beautiful recovery car - then forgot to put in an engine....

What your doing is a great bedrock, but I'd really focus on not drinking too - not going to the store and buying alcohol, thinking about other ways to deal with the feelings and situations you drink over, coming here and finding support when you feel vulnerable...

find your engine

D

Sobrietyforall

Stay strong TTC.
Keep in mind that YOU are in control. Not the alcohol.
Take it day by day.

timetochange

What a great analogy Dee..that is exactly how it is. I spent so much time reading and writing and not actually doing anything, not taking action. I've made it through the most of my day and I am so grateful for all of the support. I had a 1/2 bottle of wine in the cabinet and every time I thought of drinking it, I came and logged in here. I'm feeling tired and like time is just ticking by oh so slowly. Looking forward to a good night's sleep and waking up feeling much, much better.

least

It will get better. The longer you're sober, the better it gets.

Jenners

I am trying to gain the strength for day one too. I felt a step today opening up to my Dr. Have you disclosed your drinking to anyone? I was terrified to, have been terrified for so long, and then opened to my Dr today. I have made some strides this week. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking I am an idiot I think once you give yourself a chance to heal and sober up, you will meet someone who is exactly the right person.

CaiHong

Timetochange,

Good for you to keep going and not give up.

Totally agree with Dee, nothing changes if you don't start putting what you have learned into action.
For me that is going to AA meetings and using this website. Last week I had terrific cravings for alcohol and was so close to caving in.
I am stepping up my recovery program, Monday I went to 2 meetings stayed overnight in the city and went to the breakfast meeting and had some great talks over coffee after the meeting.

The importance of being able to talk to people whom I respect and who understand personally what I am going through is so important. I hadn't realized or understood that until yesterday.
Last week I was wishing I could go to more meetings, this week I am going to make it happen that I can go.
Whether it be AA or any other support group if you don't have one, I suggest you get one.
All these obbsessions will fall away or at least get into perspective once you start a solid recovery program and start getting sober.

I believe strongly that you do want to be sober but you need that support to help direct you.

All the best
CaiHong

CaiHong

Timetochange,

Good for you to keep going and not give up.

Totally agree with Dee, nothing changes if you don't start putting what you have learned into action.
For me that is going to AA meetings and using this website. Last week I had terrific cravings for alcohol and was so close to caving in.
I am stepping up my recovery program, Monday I went to 2 meetings stayed overnight in the city and went to the breakfast meeting and had some great talks over coffee after the meeting.

The importance of being able to talk to people whom I respect and who understand personally what I am going through is so important. I hadn't realized or understood that until yesterday.
Last week I was wishing I could go to more meetings, this week I am going to make it happen that I can go.
Whether it be AA or any other support group if you don't have one, I suggest you get one.
All these obbsessions will fall away or at least get into perspective once you start a solid recovery program and start getting sober.

I believe strongly that you do want to be sober but you need that support to help direct you.

All the best
CaiHong

timetochange

Cai Hong, You are right. I need to be able to talk to people, the isolation is not helping me.

I began this thread mentioning that initially wanted to change my username, referring to a posts and threads I have made over the past 4 months. What I didn't realize is that apparently I had two emails associated with this account and I had logged in with a username from almost 5 years ago. It was painful to read what I was going through then, how things have changed and how they have stayed the same. However, it also made me realize even moreso that this has to be IT. I don't want another four years to go by, struggling with the same issues, in the same spot in my life. All I can say is wow and I guess I really needed that eye-opener. I am definately stronger than I was since then, so I find motivation in that. But mostly, I realize that I am about to make some really positive changes that won't be easy, but will be worth it. It's all I can do to save my own life. Once and for all.

freshstart57

TimeforChange, please find some time to look at some posts on this, the Newcomers' forum. You will find so many stories and cries for help that come from real anguish, just like yours. It helped me a lot during my earliest days to know that I was not unique in my abuse of alcohol and that there was nothing special about me or my situation. Even more comforting were the journals of miserable addicts, just like me, who became sober and chronicled their journeys from anguish to freedom, day by day. They gave me hope that I could join them in sobriety, and showed me a way forward.

You can begin this process of getting sober as soon as you start. This is not a stupid statement, TfC. I understand that you have knowledge, you have motivation, but you also have fear and doubt. Set the fear and doubt aside for now, and begin this process of quitting by getting rid of any and all alcohol in your house. Pour it down the toilet and keep that image in your mind because that is where this s***t belongs now. Toss all empties, wherever they are, into the trash.

When that is done, come back here. There are hundreds of people who have read your story that want to help. Take advantage of them and post again.

*taps fingers, waiting*

EmeraldRose

Your user name is ironic....I would have to say the same thing as the others here....I had a long drawn out thought process going but Dee summed it up nicely. (thanx Dee)
In my drinking world, nothing changed until I changed.
Wishing you peace and strength.

artsoul

Your last post brought tears to my eyes. I know what it feels like to wake up in the same place day after day, year after year, and how discouraging it is. I just want you to know that the worst part is our own fear, and that is always about the future. If you can take each moment - each minute - as it comes, it's much easier. When I got a craving, I'd remind myself "I'm OK right this second - I can go on another minute without a drink."

When we're drinking all we have is our obsessive thoughts and our emotions are all over the place, up one minute and down the next. With some sober time, it begins to even out. I think you'll find that you can deal with the old boyfriend thing much more easily once you get some of your sanity back.

Things really will get better and better. As a single mom, I can't tell you how grateful I am to be sober. I could barely manage when I was drinking every night, just to get through the day. I did everything I knew I should do as a mom and loved my kids, but inside I wanted to be left alone a lot of the time because I felt overwhelmed. Now, I feel so much more content and I enjoy just being around them, talking to them.

Be patient with yourself. Give yourself as much love as you can right now - find something to indulge in (like milkshakes, old movies or bubblebaths). I spent the first several days in bed with my laptop, just reading old posts. It worked for me.....

Whatever it takes, it's worth it. If you have to go to treatment, find a way to make that happen. You can do it. You can show your girls what courage is and they won't have to watch you suffer in the future, or follow in your footsteps. It may not seem like it right now, but in time, I promise you, you'll be a much happier and completely different mom!:ghug3