Afraid of Reality - observations
 

I have been thinking about addiction and some people say that we use our addiction to hide from reality. I am sure that I do in fact I know that I do. I also use my addiction or drink when I want to dream about what the future holds.. the funny part of in all of my asperations I never daydream of being wasted on a beach some where. I have in the end begun drinking alone and in this last instance I think that I picked up becouse I wanted to escape to a better place becouse I was bored.
I keep thinking to myself that things are going to get better and I am just passing time.. next year everything will come to a head and I just need to keep my head down and stay in and wait.. I have realized that drinking alone is not even safe for me anymore..
I also keep saying to myself that I dont want to be alone.. I dont want to quit drinking becouse I will be an outcast but I realize that I am an outcast now becouse of my drinking..
I feel like I have turned a major corner now.. the drinking alone is a major warning sign.. I justified it say that I wouldnt spend any money or make a fool of myself or be tempted to do drugs with my friends..

Just a few observations sorry for going on and on just trying to sort some things out

I used to sit in my chair and watch TV and smoke and drink and think about how much better I could be and how much better my life could be.

Somehow it took me an inordinate amount of time to join the dots and see that the first step to making those dreams real was to put down the smokes and drink and get up out of the damn chair....

I found the fear of facing reality was much much worse than facing reality, Ed....and nothing was as bad as what I'd already put myself through :)

D