Jdkarlson

Hi everyone,

I've been away for the last three weeks, and have been clean. I'm not sure how, considering all that has happened, but I am.

As many of you may remember, I was starting to get clean and found out that my wife wanted a divorce. I pleaded with her to at least go to marriage counseling, but she was resistant. She had been working out and losing weight for a few months (She is down to 100lbs., at 5'2"; she looks as cute as when i'd met her when she was 22). Since that time, she has been cold and distant; a stranger to the person I knew and loved, and thought loved me. I recently found out that the reason she wanted the divorce is that she fell in love with one of her clients! She is a drug counselor, and became emotionally attached to a 23-year old recovering heroin addict. i think it's funny, because one of her major complaints about me was my addiction! I discovered this fact when i hacked into her facebook account and found texts to him and to other friends. I don't know how long they have been intimate, but finally I at least know what happened. I don't think I'm ugly, but it's hard for a 40 year old man to compete with the look of a 23 year old. For the last 5 years, we've had practically no sex life, and she always blamed my addiction. I have been emotionally cut off from her for most of that time and found solace in drugs. When if found out what had happened, i called her at 4 in the morning (she moved into her moms house) She told me that i could ruin her career with one phone call. I told her she didn't know me because if she did, the one thing I will never be is a snitch. I told her that if this person makes her feel loved and treats her right, the more power to her. You'd think i'd be upset, but actually i felt relief!!! Finally an end to the ordeal! She is no longer my problem. I can do whatever I want and actually create the iife that i truly want with a woman who can appreciate and show me love.

Anyway, i've been clean since September 30th. I had one close call. Before i found out about the other guy, I questioned her why she didn't want to work it out or at least try. She told me that she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. Hearing that hurt worse than the beatings i received as a child. All the rejection i experienced when i begged for any physical love, and she had confirmed what i had always expected: i wasn't worthy of love. It was that realization, that cut me so deep, that I felt myself automatically want to run to drugs. I attempted to call a friend from NA, but they weren't answering. So instead of going home and seeing her, I went to a hotel and spent the night. I skyped with a girl i met online, and cried my eyes out of my head. I felt better, and didn't use.

I have my whole life ahead of me. I'm going to take my vacation to Vietnam. I know you guys were against it, but I feel in control. I'm not the addict anymore. I am a new person. I don't need drugs to feel better. Just need to be away from her!

Anna

I caution you against feeling that you are in control.

I remember people suggested to you that Vietnam was a place where you could easily get involved in drugs again. I hope that you have a plan in place as to how to avoid that.

bayliss

I'm sorry that you had to go through all that and the rejection you must have felt. Definitely heart-breaking to read.
I really do hope that things work out for you and that you don't use. Congratulations on your sobriety.

Tigger41

Though all this and you didn't use you are very strong and committed. Sounds like your wife has some issues to deal with its good you're dealing with yours. Modify your plan as necessary and stick to it. Congratulations on staying clean.