Breaking Free from "What Other People Think"
SoberOutlook
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Breaking Free from "What Other People Think"
In the last 3.5 months or so of not drinking, and becoming sober, I've had a myriad of emotional insights, resurgences, flashes, and highs-n-lows. My emotional sensitivity was at first heightened and is now starting to find its new range of depth and consistency. In a lot of ways, I am becoming who I was before drinking, at least emotionally-speaking. I'm getting myself back; a little more day by day.
What I've realized most recently is that when I was drinking, I was not only a slave to alcohol each day, but to what people would say to me, or what I thought they were thinking about me. I was in a labyrinth of negative emotion, that often secluded me to a dungeon of negative thoughts; about myself, and about others. I was a victim of my own making.
When I decided to quit, this last time, my marriage and career was in such a shambles that I was literally at the end of my rope. The biggest care I had was that my life insurance was paid up, so at least my family could survive if I chose to off myself, which I contemplated daily.
I also thought of divorce as an option. But, I determined that, with kids, it was a no-win scenario for anyone.
Ultimately, I cornered myself to a fight or flight scenario. Having contemplated suicide throughout my life, I decided that such finality (regardless of religious beliefs) was never a good option. Tomorrow could always be better. I had come to that conclusion a long time ago as well.
What I had to do was choose for myself, and say to hell with everyone and everything else, I'm gonna change and live the way I know I can be happy with myself. Damn the torpedoes. If my decisions cost me my marriage, family, friends or job, so be it.
And that I set out to do. I knew that my greatest impediment in life was alcohol, and that I had to eradicate it from my life. 30 yrs of drinking gave me the experience I needed to arrive at that conclusion. I also knew that quitting drinking would change the dynamic of almost all of the relationships in my life, and it did, from a little to a lot.
So, on August 7th of this year, I mustered the courage to do it without looking back. And I looked for the rewards each day, and bore with the pains of change.
Getting back to what I've recently realized. I am now, for the first time in decades, me, without apology. And, I'm a pretty good guy. All the mental cages I had built for myself are gone. I can honestly say, that I don't give a damn if anyone else likes me for who I am, because I do.
That's not to say that I don't need to abide by social norms of relationship, integrity, or common decency and courtesy. I'm not a psychopath (but was when it came to drinking). But, I can stand tall, and, if necessary, alone, and believe in me. I will listen and consider what others say or think, but I process it through "me" rather than allow it to build real or unfounded resentment or "open loops of thought" because I don't know how "me" feels about it.
This may seem like a bunch of hogwash to some, but I am glad, and proud, to have me back in my life. And I thank those on SR, and my friends in recovery for helping me with that.
What I've realized most recently is that when I was drinking, I was not only a slave to alcohol each day, but to what people would say to me, or what I thought they were thinking about me. I was in a labyrinth of negative emotion, that often secluded me to a dungeon of negative thoughts; about myself, and about others. I was a victim of my own making.
When I decided to quit, this last time, my marriage and career was in such a shambles that I was literally at the end of my rope. The biggest care I had was that my life insurance was paid up, so at least my family could survive if I chose to off myself, which I contemplated daily.
I also thought of divorce as an option. But, I determined that, with kids, it was a no-win scenario for anyone.
Ultimately, I cornered myself to a fight or flight scenario. Having contemplated suicide throughout my life, I decided that such finality (regardless of religious beliefs) was never a good option. Tomorrow could always be better. I had come to that conclusion a long time ago as well.
What I had to do was choose for myself, and say to hell with everyone and everything else, I'm gonna change and live the way I know I can be happy with myself. Damn the torpedoes. If my decisions cost me my marriage, family, friends or job, so be it.
And that I set out to do. I knew that my greatest impediment in life was alcohol, and that I had to eradicate it from my life. 30 yrs of drinking gave me the experience I needed to arrive at that conclusion. I also knew that quitting drinking would change the dynamic of almost all of the relationships in my life, and it did, from a little to a lot.
So, on August 7th of this year, I mustered the courage to do it without looking back. And I looked for the rewards each day, and bore with the pains of change.
Getting back to what I've recently realized. I am now, for the first time in decades, me, without apology. And, I'm a pretty good guy. All the mental cages I had built for myself are gone. I can honestly say, that I don't give a damn if anyone else likes me for who I am, because I do.
That's not to say that I don't need to abide by social norms of relationship, integrity, or common decency and courtesy. I'm not a psychopath (but was when it came to drinking). But, I can stand tall, and, if necessary, alone, and believe in me. I will listen and consider what others say or think, but I process it through "me" rather than allow it to build real or unfounded resentment or "open loops of thought" because I don't know how "me" feels about it.
This may seem like a bunch of hogwash to some, but I am glad, and proud, to have me back in my life. And I thank those on SR, and my friends in recovery for helping me with that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Central Ohio
Posts: 119
This is beautiful. This is what we (family of alcoholics/addicts) pray for. At least that's what I've spent many hours praying for. All I ever wanted was HIM, the real, true, transparent, honest, HIM. Flaws and all that would have been the best gift he could have ever given me, as well as himself.
I admire your honesty in your post. I admire the time and effort you have dedicated to finding yourself. So many people would benefit from your journey, and not just addicts or alcoholics. So many people walk around with negative images of themselves because of what they THINK others THINK about them. It is so liberating to stand naked before the world and say HERE I AM AND I LOVE ME!
I admire your honesty in your post. I admire the time and effort you have dedicated to finding yourself. So many people would benefit from your journey, and not just addicts or alcoholics. So many people walk around with negative images of themselves because of what they THINK others THINK about them. It is so liberating to stand naked before the world and say HERE I AM AND I LOVE ME!
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Awesome well said and well done 
I personally dont care what people think of me either , cause truthfully its none of my business
And womaninprogress its always nice to see another Ohioian
I personally dont care what people think of me either , cause truthfully its none of my business
And womaninprogress its always nice to see another Ohioian
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,707
Originally Posted by LoftyIdeals 
What I've realized most recently is that when I was drinking, I was not only a slave to alcohol each day, but to what people would say to me, or what I thought they were thinking about me. I was in a labyrinth of negative emotion, that often secluded me to a dungeon of negative thoughts; about myself, and about others. I was a victim of my own making.
Like you I am starting to see the light, finally, and get to know myself, all over again. I see it as nothing short of a miracle.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 456
Great post. It's a real affirmation for those that have chosen this journey and a wonderful incentive for any who are considering it.
I like how you bring up not having to apologize on a daily basis. For me, this is such a blessing and helps me have some self-esteem that's grounded in reality.
Also - I have that same psychopath inside me when I'm drinking.
I was talking to my A.S.I.L yesterday and she gets in the middle of all kinds of family issues and is a cause of many of them, either directly or indirectly. She must have told me she was sorry ten times in a 5 minute conversation.
It would be great to see more of these positive posts!
I like how you bring up not having to apologize on a daily basis. For me, this is such a blessing and helps me have some self-esteem that's grounded in reality.
Also - I have that same psychopath inside me when I'm drinking.
I was talking to my A.S.I.L yesterday and she gets in the middle of all kinds of family issues and is a cause of many of them, either directly or indirectly. She must have told me she was sorry ten times in a 5 minute conversation.
It would be great to see more of these positive posts!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Wow Lofty this is an awesome and inspirational post. You are very well versed with words and have helped me with things I'm struggling with today. I'm glad to hear you are doing so well in your recovery, thanks so much for posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Yup...I've learned to be my authentic self since getting sober. I was miserable trying to be the person everyone wanted me to be so I drank to cover it up. Withoutthe alcohol I had to figure out who I was really
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
Wow! this is amazing. thank you for posting it.
This is one of the first things I'm "getting" about not drinking. I am starting to re-discover the real me, and understand how I've subjugated myself to alcohol and to what others think or want.
Please keep posting about your journey. I really want to know how it is for you.
This is one of the first things I'm "getting" about not drinking. I am starting to re-discover the real me, and understand how I've subjugated myself to alcohol and to what others think or want.
Please keep posting about your journey. I really want to know how it is for you.
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