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Double trouble.(apol for n00b post)

Old 11-18-2011, 03:01 AM
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Double trouble.(apol for n00b post)

I hope this doesn't end up poorly worded.

I recognise that I have a problem with alcohol. I am determined to do something about it.

I also recognise my wife has similar issues but she believes she is in complete control of everything right now.

I love her to pieces and working this out without her is not an option.

Similar success stories making breakthroughs? Any couples that have worked through this together?

In context, we both drank a similar amount for own body weight tonight, I am still lucid enough (i hope) to make this post and would keep topping up for the next 8-12 hours if I had the opportunity. A good session for me can last 4-6 days and only remember half of that. She is comatosed on the couch getting some sleep thank G, and she gets in a worse state than me when a session starts out fortunately for my loved one it might not be so hard for her to come back from.

I have started taking sleeping pills to break the 48+ drinking hours cycle. (They should be kicking in soon so when the wd's hit tomorrow forgive me if I'm cranky.) Her hangover will be immediate in the am, strawberries and bubbles at 11 will give her enough oompf to get through to a cocktail while we contemplate dinner. I say dinner lightly, but all either of us ate was a sardine sandwich at 5pm because I forced it on her (and myself).


Any thoughts how I can approach her and get us both some help?

(I fully recognise the position I'm in, she is in complete denial... mostly telling me what I have to do(mostly what I'm doing wrong))

I have told her that I have issues I need to deal with as an alcoholic. She agreed and had another pint of wine.

Thanks in advance

(sorry newby)
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Old 11-18-2011, 03:18 AM
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I have no experience in this area, I can appreciate the complexity of your situation. I was wondering if there is any boarder family involved who could usefully help? What do you see as your options?

It sounds like you are ready to make changes. If you did what do you think would happen?
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Old 11-18-2011, 03:32 AM
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Originally Posted by instant View Post
I have no experience in this area, I can appreciate the complexity of your situation. I was wondering if there is any boarder family involved who could usefully help? What do you see as your options?

It sounds like you are ready to make changes. If you did what do you think would happen?
We live alone, and discovered early that we would never have kids together, A pretty big blow for us both would be fair.

If we have to meet family it is a struggle making sure i'm presentable and depending on the day..., but we avoid it as much as possible.

I would love to make changes but to be fair the light at the end of the tunnel is fairly dim.
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Old 11-18-2011, 04:17 AM
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Hi and welcome

My stopping drinking made my husband look at his relationship with alcohol too. He also stopped drinking.

I admitted myself in to a treatment centre and it was talking to the staff there that made my husband realise he needed to look at his drinking too. I'm not saying that's the way forward for you and your wife.

Lots of luck to you xx
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Old 11-18-2011, 04:42 AM
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Are you both unemployed?

I think anyone can get sober in any situation if they want to badly enough. Getting sober is simple. Stop drinking. But there is a difference between 'simple' and 'easy'. Is it easy to bask in the little things that keep us moving forward in sobriety with a partner passed out on the couch? Probably not. But anything is possible.

Keep posting!
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:00 AM
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It sounds like you're getting ready to get ready. You've begun to consider the changes.

The fact remains, a lot will change getting sober. More for some than for others. For most of us here sobriety is the Number 1 priority over everything else. (You probably shouldn't tell non-alkies this!) The reason simply is that if you're not sober, nothing but drink matters, and you're losing everything anyway, slowly but surely.

It's an excellent sign you're looking for help. I came here a year and a half before I made the commitment for real. I hope you do sooner than I did!

All the best.
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:04 AM
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It's OK to go ahead and make changes for yourself. Invite her for sure, but don't be afraid to go ahead without her if she isn't on board. One thing is for certain - things won't change if no one takes the first step.

It definitely can be kind of weird or uncomfortable for one partner to "change" on the other .. weird for both of you .. *BUT* staying as you are will be even scarier as the future plays out. If you think of it as an overall scenario, you really have nothing to lose by making a change (because you're eventually going to "lose" anyway if you go on as you have been).

Do you think she would be interested if you brought it up by talking about the future and where you want to be 5, 10, 15, etc., years from now? ... Maybe propose a "healthy lifestyle change" ? .... Like where you would do something instead of drinking, especially during the times that you would normally drink? .. Games, exercise, the gym, shopping, hobbies - stuff like that.

Sometimes a person's reaction and willingness to take part in something has a lot to do with the "delivery" ... the offer ... pros, cons .. what she (the both of you) will get out of it and what you will have to look forward to each day.

Hope that makes some sort of sense.

Good luck to you. Keep posting - nice to meet you!
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:16 AM
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Welcome stigblack,

Would u consider going to an OPEN AA meeting , open means that any1 can go to it, there will be AA speakers, Alanon Speakers & maybe a councillor. It will help you & your wife to be able to listen to other pp's issues & maybe idnetify with them, you can also pick up some literature.
Remember working on ure sellf is a start, get your self sober , by showing her good example it may help lead her to her own choices !
Good luck on your journey
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Old 11-18-2011, 01:18 PM
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Welcome to SR stigblack

The bottom line is if you're ready to do something about your problem, I'd do it.

If your wife's thinks she's in control and she's not ready? she's not.

I hope maybe she'll see your example and follow you, but it really needs to be her choice.
The motivation really does need to be internal IMO.

It's not easy to stay sober with a partner who drinks, but it's not impossible either - there's a lot of members here who can testify to that

Are you thinking of support beyond SR as well?

D
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Old 11-18-2011, 02:25 PM
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Like Dee said, it's not easy to stay sober in a situation like that, but it isn't impossible. My wife still uses and drinks recreationally (she's a "normie") -- she's not blatent about it, but I've been married to her for eight years, so I know when she's on something. I just have to work my own program of recovery. She couldn't get me sober, and she can't get me drunk either. All of that is up to me. I will say though, it can put a strain on a relationship when the goals of two people are polar opposites. Like others have said, hopefully your wife will see the example you set and be inspired to make her own changes, but that has to be her choice. Until then, take care of youself, stigblack.

--Fenris.
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Old 11-18-2011, 02:38 PM
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I feel I should add that my wife still drinks as well. However, my abuse of alcohol did lead to some shameful verbal abuse upon her, for which I make amends everyday by being a loving, patient and generous husband. My behavior directly influenced her abuse of alcohol.

Her drinking dramatically reduced when I got sober. Early on, I asked her not drink in the house. That lasted a little while, but now, I have some time, and not-drinking is on me now. Friday's are always a bit more difficult, but I have built a 'program' where I can be comfortable, happy and thrive, even when she has a glass of wine. I was a middle-stage drunk, and I know other alcoholics who could not resist this same situation.

I was warned, that if her drinking did not subside, and I lived daily in torment of her drinking, I would have to consider more difficult choices to keep my priority of Sobriety utmost. Gladly, so far, I have not had to make such choices.

All the very best to you both.
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:27 PM
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Thank you all for your replies. I guess for me it's now officially day 1.

Normally by now (3pm) I have had my first drink to help me feel as normal as I can and to stave off this sick feeling and the shakes. I'm not looking forward to the next few days as I've been through the process a couple of times before.

Hopefully in the next hour or two I'll feel like a coffee, in the mean time some paracetemol and as much water as I can stomach although I don't even have the desire to move to go and fill a water bottle. I have some vitamins around somewhere too that the doc gave me last time I was giving this a go but no idea where.

Absolutely no desire whatsoever to do anything, the house is a bombsite but even the thought of having to clean makes me want to vomit.

Cheers for the support.
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Old 11-18-2011, 06:54 PM
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Remember to see a Dr if you feel unwell or concerned. Detox can be problematic for some of us.

D
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:11 PM
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Stig, I was not much more than a blob for the first several days while my body tried to figger out what the heck had just happened. I was very lucky to have hourly support from my long suffering wife and I understand that not all of us have that benefit. Vitamin B and milkthistle have been recommended by some, and melatonin an hour before bed can ease the insomnia. If you can make a call to your Dr, you should to check in and get the latest.

Here is something to think about. What if a miracle happened to you overnight while you slept, and when you woke up, you didn't drink anymore? What would be the first thing you would notice? How would that make you feel? What might happen after that and how might you feel then? Try to visualize how things might be after this miracle happened, and try to make a full picture. Maybe writing down some of these thoughts can help you get a full idea of how your life will be.

Good luck to you and your wife, Stig, and keep posting. You will find lots of support here.
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:39 PM
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My wife thinks I'm just being lazy and wants me to get up and do chores.

I just made an attempt to clean the bathroom resulting in a vomit then dry reaching session.

More water if I can stomach it now, then hopefully coffee but I will probably just curl up into a ball instead.
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Old 11-18-2011, 08:45 PM
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stigblack - You're on this site for a reason and that's because you want to change. When you are unable to move, feeling sick, and having a miserable time - What does this tell you about alcohol? When you (hopefully) get sober, you will see a world of difference and I guarantee that.

but to be fair the light at the end of the tunnel is fairly dim.
That's what I said to myself at first too. "How could I ever cope without alcohol!?" and since I've been sober I've been living a lot better of a life.


I have a strong feeling that if you really want to change your life - You're going to need to go through (safe) detox because with the amount you're drinking will most likely kick your butt when it comes to withdrawals.

Keep your chin up.

Last edited by Gerbosko; 11-18-2011 at 08:47 PM. Reason: scratched out a lot :)
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Old 11-19-2011, 12:27 AM
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I heard my own story iterated here by several others. When the day came that I needed to quit and check into treatment my wife was also drinking quite a bit. She continued to drink for a while after I quit and I even had to go to the liquor store for her since her license was expired. That went on for about 5 months but I don't think she's had a drink in at least two months. She is also a "normie" but she drank with me to be with me and it almost pushed her over the edge too.

I work my own program now. I wish she would get some counseling or go to ALANON but she feels she can heel on her own. While I disagree, she's a grown up and needs to live her own life.

When you quit drinking your relationship will change. It may be better it may be worse but it will be different to be sure. One thing was sure for us - our marriage would not sustain the long term if I kept drinking.

Good luck and great job taking that first step!
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Old 11-19-2011, 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Welcome to SR stigblack

The bottom line is if you're ready to do something about your problem, I'd do it.

If your wife's thinks she's in control and she's not ready? she's not.

I hope maybe she'll see your example and follow you, but it really needs to be her choice.
The motivation really does need to be internal IMO.

It's not easy to stay sober with a partner who drinks, but it's not impossible either - there's a lot of members here who can testify to that

Are you thinking of support beyond SR as well?

D
I am with Dee. Lead by example. If she is not willing to change, you have to do this alone. Good luck
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Old 11-19-2011, 03:27 PM
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Day 2.

Arghhhh. Shakes, sweats, no sleep beyond REM nightmares (maybe a couple of hours total), nausea, anxiety and depression.

I'll come back when I feel a bit better.
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Old 11-19-2011, 03:39 PM
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Congrats on Day 2. I think it was the 2nd night when I sweared the most .. I was soaked .. wringing-wet. I imagined all of the toxins oozing out of my body, so I was quite happy for the uber-sweat. Keep at the water ... a hot bubble bath also helped me.. it felt like the water was literally sucking toxins from my pores.

Hang on... you're doing GREAT!
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