artsoul

Thanks for the post, Dee.

I don't think we can dabble in our addiction yet hope to rid ourselves of it. For me, it took about a year of abstinence before the urges to drink didn't throw me off balance.

That's not to say that people don't work up to this in their own way. The desire for recovery is an inside job and some of us have to fail before we realize how serious this disease is. I certainly did.

So I don't see any judgement here, just a warning, because the thought that "one won't hurt" has destroyed lives and it's something all of us are susceptible to.

Hevyn

Agreed. 'One won't hurt' cost me years of my life & put me in danger. Dui's - health problems - risky behavior. I kept insisting it was a matter of willpower, but in my case I never even once stuck to my limit of one or two.

Thank you, Dee. I owe you so much.

susanlauren

I needed my own experience to understand that I could not drink moderately. I needed to try and fail, try and fail, and try and fail .... until that lesson that the next time would be exactly like the last time was fully internalized. My worst times were not when I lost all control. My worst times were when I was able to stick to one or two drinks. That set me up for thinking I could control my drinking. And the desperate experiment began once again. Thankfully, I no longer have to fight that fight anymore. Game over. Alcohol won. I lost. I surrendered.
Susan Lauren

ReadyAndAble

I suppose a simple question deserves a simple answer, but my experience was more complex. I "quit" many times. But looking back it's obvious to me that I hadn't fully committed to sobriety. I thought I should quit. I needed to quit. But deep down I didn't really want to quit. So I left myself a little wiggle room. Like on my birthday or New Year's. They're special events, right? Or once in a while when I'm out with friends or family. It would be weird, maybe even rude if I didn't join in, wouldn't it? Oh, but wait, today was a really stressful day. I need a break, OK? Or maybe today something fantastic happened. I deserve a reward, don't I? Oh, crap, I just realized I'm drinking a lot again. Almost every night since... when did I quit again? Oh, well. Eff it. One more won't hurt.

And so it went, for years and years, until I finally realized there's no middle ground for me. I either drink, or I don't.

Once I committed to the concept of never drinking again—and stopped listening to all the lame excuses churned out by my alcoholic brain—things finally clicked. I haven't had a drink since, and I never will again.

Man, I love that word. "Never." It used to scare me. Now it feels incredibly liberating.

artsoul

Amen, ReadyandAble.....

Tippingpoint

Each of us have a road to travel.

There's a lot of great people around here who have been down this road and know every twist and every turn and where the pitfalls are and can still remember how horrible those pitfalls were and how they almost didn't make it through alive.

It's only natural that they want to shout from the sidelines when they think they can save someone from trouble on the road.

The problem though is that if we don't experience the pitfalls ourselves we never get any better at avoiding them in the future.

Having been sober for basically 5 months less a day (pre-meditated pit fall exploration evening) I think I am sort of straddling the fence between the newcomers and the seasoned among us. It is still fresh in my mind how I came to this...yes I was out of control...yes I had hit a bottom of sorts but in no way was I ready to even contemplate "never".

It would be great if you could just simply say to people - okay you drink this much and you've done all these stupid things and you've hurt these people and this is what your kids think of you and this is why it all ends today...please queue up in the lifetime sobriety line to your right. But...people won't do that...people can't do that...the AV is too strong.

I feel for the people like Dee that give so much of their time to help others but have to sit on their hands as they watch people go through horrible and predictable routines of failure that for some allows them to finally get it and move forward. For the ones that don't get it...they simply disappear.

It's an evil catch 22 and I don't see how it can be avoided.

CaiHong

Thanks Dee

for the link. I will try it next time I get a craving. I am pretty sure it was triggered by anger and resentment. I removed myself from that trigger and now I need to deal with it by doing the 4th step.

CaiHong

Hooped

Yeah we all have our own road to travel and I know for sure the one I simply can not go down.

I tried to moderate in the spring and within a week I was on a bender and lost all control of my bowels.
Even though I was hammered I was still shocked.
So, I showered the mess off ....and continued drinking.

No thanks.
Not for family, or someones birthday,a holiday or any reason can I take a single drink.

Life is just so much better without it.

109 days now and I don't want to go back.
It would only take one drink for me.
That is a road I can't go down.

camedown

Thanks for the headcheck Dee. I'm actually trying to remember the last time I "drank like a gentleman", and I can't. Maybe when I was still with my kid, about fifteen years ago. I was taught in group that the first thing the first drink does to an alcoholic is take away our ability to stop at one.


camedown

BigJim

It is entirely possible that I could be wrong. As many here have stated, they tried controlling it and failed. Again, I am not making a plan to keep drinking, I am just taking a step towards what I intend to be full abstinence. It sounds like a lot of people who tried moderation, whether as a step or as their full intent, were still chasing the buzz. Of course this will lead back down the rabbit hole, that was how it happened the first time right? Abstinence is a great goal, it just seems a bit reckless to me to have a single step from full binge drinking to absolute zero. A doctor will tell you it's down right dangerous. There are so many that try and fail by this method as well as with a gradual step down, why praise one approach and attack another? A big part of recovery is support, and I'm finding that many here feel that if you don't do it their way, than you don't need that support. It feels as if they'd rather see you stumble and fall along their path than take a chance on finding on your own way. Again, I could be wrong. Maybe I'll be back here in a few months saying how it all fell apart and I'm worse than ever. Maybe I'll see others that are saying the things I'm saying now and feel the need to warn them. Maybe. The one thing I won't do is tell them how to walk their path. I won't tell them they aren't doing it right, that they are destined to fail like so many others before them. Whether I find success or falter in my own journey, I will give them support. They made the decision to do something about their problem, and to me that is worth my support whether they do it 'my' way or not.

Tippingpoint

It's a mistake to read as much into people's warnings, support and concern as you are. No one's telling you that you aren't doing it right. No one's telling you that you're destined to fail. No one's telling you to do it their way.

Have an open mind. Do what you gotta do. You'll either make it through or you won't. It will have been your decisions that get you through, no matter how it ends up.

coming_clean

it's all or nothing for me....

all meaning death....

Fenris

I agree with Tippingpoint. I don't think anyone else can say "This is the way I do it and if you do it differently, you're wrong." But at the same time, it's been my experience that people who try to control or ween themselves off of alcohol are usually unsuccessful. I'd feel that I'm not being supportive if I didn't mention that. I also couldn't stay sober until I was fully committed to it. I also use AA and pray to a Higher Power. What works for me may not work for everyone, but I'm damn sure going to tell everyone looking for help what works for me and what didn't in the hopes that they can take all or some of it and find what they need. Tradition Five.

--Fenris.

Pigtails

What I was trying to do WAS to understand what you're trying to do (if that convulted sentence makes sense). I sure have had one drink and more since the first time I decided to get sober. But if I decide to get sober and drink, then I have failed. That's why I do not understand what it is you're trying to do. Taper down? Ease into it? I was really just trying to figure it out. I disagree that there is any path towards sobriety than trying whatever we can to not drink. Otherwise weu are only half-@##ing it. Sure, maybe you'll eventually reach your destination,b ut why not start getting there now? It's like decided to train for a marathon, then saying, "oh I'll train tomorrow but not today," for such and such a reason, then running two miles the next day, then not running for awhile, etc... wouldn't just training whole-heartedly accomplish the goal faster?

And from what people are saying (who are wiser than me so I try to listen to them), if you are an alcoholic then your way is flirting with disaster. You say there other categories besides alcoholic or non-alcoholic... what are the other categories? How exactly do you classify yourself?

I am really just trying to understand what you mean.

soberlicious

Support does not necessarily mean agreeing with someone. Support means I will tell you what I think, you may choose to agree or not. You may agree today and disagree tomorrow, or vice versa. The point is that ideas/opinions/thoughts/theories went in...you read them or heard them. That shapes each of us whether we know it or not. I tend to be somewhat fluid in my ideas and opinions. One thing I am not fluid on, however, is drinking. I will never drink again. I don't know alot, but this much I know is true. I believe people can disagree yet still honor the light in one another.

Tippingpoint

Excellent post Soberlicious!

ttqttfg

Totally agree with you Dee.

I've come to realize and have to keep reminding myself that the only reason I want to drink is to get totally wasted.

There will never be moderation for me.

Dee74

something else reminded me of this today - so *bump*....

D

Westpark707

I know those lies the devil on my shoulder whispers well. Funny what I clung to to rationalize. I am wiser now, thanks for the post.

stevie88

Fantastic post Dee,I can relate as I have been feeling and thinking the same way for the last few days...The AV telling me I can drink like a normal person when I know I cannot.....