Tentative

Hi,
I'm not sure how to relax, but I'm pretty sure the IV bath salts aren't helping. I know this is unsustainable, but I can't fully commit. Tired of my need for pity, concern. Isolation is not a healthy solution I've found. This summer I lived like a wild animal in National Forest just outside of town, so after work I never had to look at anyone in shame/terror the rest of the day.

I justify it by saying "I need to hit bottom", or "maybe this time I'll terrify myself into a psych ward". But not really, I know what will happen and it always does and is in no way shape or form productive or lifechanging.

Thank god the MDPV/mephedrone ban gave me a chance to catch my breath. Came back to live with Mom, see doctor for infected abscess and am on anti-depressants, month of sobriety. I'm making a little effort, seen therapist for cbt 3 times now.... He seems kind and has my respect. Poor guy earns his money listening to my negativity/despair.

But the new designer analogues have been found and are available again... $25 a g...., unholy rush followed by despair, paranoia, the longer you go the more you're gonna pay... First thing I did tonite was pour 3/4 in the toilet and flush ASAP. etc.etc.etc.

On topic-I realize I need treatment... 35 y/o manchild, inhalants at 12, 1st crack hit at 17 , upupup then disgust and broke for rest of the week, but MDPV is cheap and was legal and is the most unholy rush ever available.... but I digress...

I need human contact and plan a noon NA meeting tomorrow... I plan respect, caution and honesty--and minimal input/wild emotions. Tired of spreading around my self destruction, negativity, enabling.

Brother comes to visit with nephew, niece, wife, dogs for the weekend... looking forward to that, therapist on Monday (homework is done!).

Meetings everyday? Obviously I need inpatient treatment/reprogramming but not sure if I can commit or afford? Can Narcotics Anonymous be free group therapy? I promise not to hurt anyone there.... (Not violent or anything, just wary of triggering others, being a ******)

I think I need to smash this computer. I use it to get drugs, learn about drugs, and watch pornography while on drugs.

Sometimes I consider trying drugs to help with my drug problem!, like psychedelic therapy? But I always feel silly/deranged

I am a neurotic depressed self destructive megalomaniac but recognize the need to quit the drugs first. One step at a time rite?

Should I get a puppy? Mom seems to think so... Objectively I agree... I understand dogs' needs for health and happiness, but know nothing about my own, or responsibility for my own critter...

Dogs require love/companionship, exercise, discipline. So do I.

Thanx for listening, internet forum! I will report back after my NA meeting tomorrow. Or maybe I'll smash my computer and you'll never hear from me again? I doubt it tho...

Also any opinions/advice on recovery and caring for pets appreciated!!! Trust me as far as you can throw me tho....

Dee74

Welcome Tentative

I hope we do hear from you again - theres a lot of support and shared wisdom here
Let is know how the meeting goes

D

camedown

Hey bud, sounds like a hell of a ringer you've been through. I can relate. Booze at twelve, pot, speed, coke by 15. Tested others till I settled on my favs, beer and smoking speed. About eight years ago, I quit speed and thought I was good, those twenty drinks a night weren't going to kill me. Yep, wrong about that one too, they did there best shot and I barely made it through. I am a 42 year old manchild myself, can't even grasp the concept of paying bills and haven't had a car in 15 years. I went to AA, and kept going. Got a sponsor and worked the steps. In two weeks, I hit 6 months, by far my longest stretch since I was 13. I'm a bit happier, a bit more at peace with myself, and I am growing emotionally. All of life's other BS will come in due time, as long as I stay sober and work my program. Whatever path you do end up taking, be honest and work hard. It's kind of the opposite of the lying and hard work we put into being an addict. Best of luck to you.


camedown

LaFemme

Hi and welcome to SR!

Don't worry about being a trigger to other when you go to NA, you need help and aren't responsible for their sobriety.

As for getting rid of the computer...I don't think that will help, but that's just my opinion.

As for the puppy...I have 2 dogs and they are a lot of work. I wouldn't want to have to deal with the changes that having an animal entails while trying to kick a habit.

SR is a good supplement to NA, I hope you stick around!

sugarbear1

Salvation Army rehab, get clean, NA, get a plant. If you and the plant survive a year, then get a puppy.

Best wishes on staying stopped!

(suggestions/opinion only)

Tentative

Hi,

Back... Was very hard, but everyone was very nice and gentle. I spoke last and did my best to frame my problems into coherent english before dissolving into tears.

Some of the dudes wrote their numbers on a schedule and introduced themselves and said they look forward to seeing me again.

If these strangers don't mind me around, much less offer their help, then
I will be back everyday I guess.

I think technology and computers mark the destruction of humanity, but it is what it is. Woulda been kinda fun to smash this thing with a hammer and see what's inside I bid adieu to everyone on the research chemical forum and will never return there.

I kinda knew that I shouldn't own my own dog now, but was afraid I was being a ***** for not committing. Animals are not tools though, and no replacement for interaction with human beings.

Thanx for your advice guys

doggonecarl

Wisely put. If you continue to apply such insight to your recovery I'm sure you'll succeed.

Good luck.

Anna

Please do not get a dog or any pet until you are certain that you will be able to care for it.

Take care of yourself and get well before you consider bringing an animal who needs you into your life.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and I hope that you find your way to recovery.