overthis

Hey everyone, looking for a little advice on how to stop struggling with the thoughts/fear of an alcohol-free future or maybe I just need a kick in the butt for my alcoholic-mind creeping in again and trying to ruin my sobriety!

I know my life will be so much better without alcohol but I am so scared I won't be able to handle life itself with out drinking. I am such a shy/anxious person naturally and I am finally able to admit that I used alcohol as a crutch to fit in socially. I have my best friend's bachelorette party and wedding coming up this month and I can't stop obsessing over the fear that it will be my breaking point. I have been building it up in my head and now feel like these events will be the ultimate test. How am I going to be able to take pictures, be around all the alcohol and just plain talk to all of my friends soberly.

I hate all of this self-dwelling that I have been doing the last 4 days being sober. I don't want to be obsessed with not being an alcoholic, I just want to be sober. Is that possible or will these thoughts always being running around in my head?

I have also been considering bringing a couple of red bulls to these events to replace the alcohol. I think it will help me feel more comfortable, hyper enough to get out of my shell. I don't know if this is a silly idea or if it is just part of my plan on how to maintain my sobriety.

Thanks again to you all for reading my rambling post for the day

pikkle69

I just keep dwelling on the WORST parts of being inebriated constantly and that in and of itself is a motivating factor to keep from trying to pretend there really were any good parts. Like coming out of a bad relationship, after a while you start romanticizing only the good parts then you fall right back into the trap (she really was a horrid beast!) I know, sounds weird focusing on the negative to stay positive but it's working for me!

switchboard

Try not to be so hard on yourself, and remind yourself that the world isn't judging you. Even if you go to those events and just sit there, quietly, because you can't think of anything interesting to say, it's still not a bad thing...... But you won't just sit there - you'll have a blast! .. I am shy too. In sobriety, it has amazed me how easy (and fun) it really is to just be me. I always felt like everyone would be judging every word, every action ... Truth is, they don't. People are people .. and you are one of them. Even if everyone's drinking at those events, you can make a game (to yourself) of soberly observing the others (while you're enjoying yourself, of course!) ... I love observing! .... Just be yourself. It's OK to be afraid, but I'll bet you you don't have to trick yourself into coming out of your shell ... It'll just happen! ...

InParticular

What has worked for me is thinking of a special occasion as a block of time. Like: it's six hours. It's just six hours I have to get through without drinking. And just because you're not wasted doesn't mean the event isn't happening. You're still there, you're still having fun. And you'll actually be able to remember and laugh about it the next day with your bf. Offer to be a designated driver, it will make you feel less like an outsider and your friends will really appreciate it. Just get through it.

And the last time I drank, I had red bulls because I thought it would be a good stand in. It wasn't. You're still trying to alter yourself to have a good time and I think that kind of defeats the purpose.

Just stop obsessing and try to relax.

switchboard

InParticular, I have always done that too - doing things in blocks of hours. Not so much with regard to not drinking for me, because I'm cool with that now, but with other things too .. (like going to the in-laws - LOL ... well, they're ex-in-laws now, so I don't have to go .. but that's another story!)

I like doing that. It really puts the timing of the occasion into perspective. Just a few hours. And then, afterward, it will be a great feeling to say, "I'm still sober .. I did it .. I didn't need the drinks" ... and next time will be even easier.

FT

Maybe your best friend is someone you can confide in and enlist her support for your not drinking at her party?

I'm sure there will be other non-drinkers there. In my profession, I've had to attend multiples of that kind of celebration, and after I quit drinking, I marveled at how many of us non-drinkers there really were. Over time, the freedom and sense of well being you get from being a non-drinker override any sense of wanting to to get that buzz. Thinking of "never" doing anything again is sometimes daunting. Just decide that you aren't going to drink that day, and PLAN for it. Bring your own seltzer water if you have to, and keep a drink in your hand so you are not offered anything by someone who you don't want to have to explain yourself to.

FT

overthis

Great advice, as usual! I think the putting it into blocks of time is a great perspective I will try. There is nothing wrong with being quiet, I also like the idea of making it into a game of observing people soberly in my mind. I have always been a people watcher so that will definitely be fun for me.

Dee74

When I first got sober - rightly or wrongly, forever was an impossible concept for me.
I did however know I could stay sober *today*, so I did that, reaffirming my commitment every day....

With more and more sober time behind me, 'forever' eventually ceased to be so daunting to me

D

artsoul

Hi overthis - it's so normal to have those worries. But like others have said, all you really have to do is stay sober today. You're only a few days into this, and you'll have more strength as the days go by.

I drank to be more social, too.... I wanted to fit in. But now I wonder why I was so worried about being the life of the party and laughing about stupid things. There's a lot to be said about just being a caring person, and finding things that interest us that we can share with others.

Something that helped me during similar events was to keep busy (take photographs, help serve food, etc.) And just listening to others and expressing an interest in them is a great way to spend an evening.

addictionwife

Hi. I did this too. I drank to feel like I was more fun, more interesting to talk to etc. I always worry about occasions like this too, where everyone seems like they are drinking. But they aren't. There will be a lot of people not drinking too and it's pretty easy to gravitate towards them if you want to. When I first stopped drinking and was uncomfortable in these situations for some reason I would over think it and then when someone did ask a question, it's like I got all defensive and gave this big long drawn out answer. In the end I found that just simply stating "I'm not drinking tonight" works the best for me.

SSIL75

I would say to myself "I'm just worried because I'm an alcoholic".

I found that very calming. Because it's true. Normal people don't worry about stuff like that. I knew that my commitment to 'never again' meant I was on the path to recovery and that as I continued to practice new ways to live life I would think less and less like an alcoholic.

Cephas

Who's bachelorette party is it? Who is the party about/for? It's not about you or me. Course I'm not going but.... Remember, it's not about you, you don't have to be the center because, well, your not. You don't have to do anything, you can just go and and enjoy and let it be about somebody else.

We don't have to be the center of attention or on the outside. We can just be apart of. One person in a group. No big deal.

Relax and keep the focus on the person you are there for and let the anxiety melt away. The anxiety is about you, the party isn't.

Peter G

If it's that much an issue for you, the answer should be simple IMO. Don't go. I know when I first got sober parties were the last thing on my mind, and if the occasion wasn't an absolute requirement - as in I'd be shot twice in the cranium for not attending - then I was either honest enough to say I can't attend or I'd make an excuse - but I wouldn't risk my sobriety for anything, especially knowing what I know now about the tenuous nature of early sobriety.

Remember, where sobriety is concerned, during first few months or so it's quite simply a case of doing whatever it takes.

Sure there's the popular argument 'life doesn't stop just because we stop drinking'. It's a valid point for someone who's been sober a while and is working a good program. But I'd submit from experience that it just doesn't apply to someone who is just newly sober and still learning to stand on sober legs. And more to the point of that argument, life DOES stop when we are drinking and unable to stop. It stops cold. So, early in sobriety, it's always well advised to avoid any situations and environments that could end up in a relapse that will once again stop your life cold.

Sure there are tests, plenty in fact. Life is a series of tests to be honest. But early in sobriety subjecting yourself to unnecessary tests could be considered flippant when weighing the gravity of active alcoholism. It's no different from a guy who's been struck by lightning 65 times deciding to play a round of golf in a thunder storm. You gotta ask that guy; does he love golf, or is he just secretly longing to get hit with lightning one more time? IMO, you have to ask yourself if a bachelorette party is reason enough to subject yourself to the possibility of being struck by lightning .

I'm not sure how long you have in sober time OT, nor what sort of program you are currently working to help you with your drinking problem. On the surface I'd suggest this... if you absolutely must attend this party, give yourself a sound and well thought out exit strategy, and the minute you feel like you may drink make quick use of that strategy. If you have a sober buddy that can come with you, someone who knows what you are facing and can tell you when it's time to leave, utilize that person along with your exit strategy. Otherwise send a really nice gift, fake a root canal/flu/PMS and stay home.

As for handling the future sober? Handle today sober. Let the universe worry about tomorrow. Each day you keep saying that and suddenly forever doesn't seem so bloody ominous. Worked for me anyway. Sounds cliche to say "one day at a time", but really, truer words have not been spoken. When I first joined someone asked me... "how do you eat an elephant?". I thought they must have been drunk to ask such a question - until I realized the answer was "one bite at a time".

overthis

Hey again. Just wanted to post an encouraging update to this. I made it through the bachelorette party using a lot of the advice/tips from this thread. It felt amazing to still have fun sober and even better waking up the next morning with a sense of pride and NO hangover! Thanks again for all the great advice!

WhoDey

I think the more positive experiences we accumulate from not drinking, the easier it will be to say no to the voice.

You did great. Very encouraging.