Tigger41

Well today is day 14 for me I am very happy about that. But I probably didn't mention that I had a bit of a dependency on Xanax that I had kicked.

Kind of was doing both for a few years (that probably explained the memory issues lol). Yeah - being more and more honest with myself by exposing myself you you guys on the board. Anyhoo

I didn't drink last night but I did scour the place and found 1/4 of a Xanax (I never was a big Xanax user - maybe 0.5 mg a day but add that to a bottle of wine and you have a very foggy brain.

Anyway - yep found that 1/4 and took it faster then anyone could spit - took it before I posted or anything. Then chilled. and this morning I feel kind of sad, like I let myself down. I keep saying but you didn't drink and yes that's good but I don't want to be on anything.

I don't think there's anymore in the house anywhere - hardest thing I have now is Tylenol PM.

Yeah -I was a mess. A bit more then a bit of a drinking issue. I spent about 15 minutes on these boards yesterday trying to explain to someone how they probably have an issue only to re-enforce to myself that I really am powerless over this beast and really am not going to be able to drink again and I hate to say it but that makes me sad a bit.

Thanks for letting me vent - got to get the kids in the car and drive 10 hours to get to my fater-in-law's wake. There's already "family" drama as they live in West Virginia and we have to pay for the wake and funeral - everything because the rest of her family is on disability, out of work, a mess or an addict and he didn't have life insurance and his house was just sold at auction. And get this - my Father-in-law's live-in girlfriend of 15 years went out and filled his 14 prescriptions while the rest of the family was sitting vigil on Monday (yes she's a prescription drug addict - has been for the 14 years I've known her). She went out while he was in bed dying because she wanted to get that last batch filled - that is so sad and so why I need to stop now - why we all need to. I never want to get to the point when my stash is more important that someone I lived with and shared a life with for 15 years.

Wish me luck and pray for me - I'll try to logon via my iPhone and I'll yell for help if I think I'm going to slip. Everyone is going to be doing something there - I'm sticking with my kids as much as possible.

I'll stop rambling - really got to get going here.

Terri

lovinit41

Good luck Tigger. Funerals have a way of bringing out the worst in people. When my dad died one of my sisters refused point blank to pitch in for the costs and the joke is that her and her husband are the ones in the best financial position to do so. I feel sorry for her, she keeps justifing herself while the rest of us paid up and grieved , we were albe to move foreword cos we knew we had done the right thing and we will always know, she will always have to live with herself and the fact that she did not.My point is I suppose that you and your wife are doing the right thing, how great is that? Priceless, right?? And now, by cutting out alcohol you are just improving an already great person. Kep it up!!!Im so proud to be one of your new mates here on SR.
As for the quarter xanex, at least its gone outta the house now !! Lol! And I know you aint bringing no more home!

pikkle69

It's really hard when you're addicted to more than one type of substance. I am both an alcoholic and an opiate addict (hydrocodone mostly.) Trying to kick both at the same time has been an incredible struggle as not only do I deal on a daily basis with my psychological issues such as anxiety and depression that I've had since my first memories of life, but numerous physical issues, mostly old injuries that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

The amazing thing is though, once I stopped drinking, the effect of many of these issues were greatly reduced. Even when I feel I'm being dealt some type of unjust blow in life (like recently losing my job of 17 years) I feel less inclined now to go into that big emotional tail spin which would normally give me reason to begin the self destructive cycle all over again. I'm still learning about this aspect of sobriety as it is completely alien to me after 15 years of almost daily inebriation, but I'm finding there are other ways to deal with the truly bum crap that life has a tendency to deal people. I'm actually optimistic about the future for the first time in who knows how long.

Don't beat yourself up because of a slip, that's when the logical part of your mind is over taken with the irrational part and you know you're stronger than that. Good luck with your journey, we know you will do what is best for you and you know we are here for you; we're all taking this journey together.

soberjim

Good Luck Tigger. Keep positive and know for sure that you will feel better when it is over knowing that you kept sober. One day at a time.

GhostDogg

good luck.

dive2deep

Good luck Tigger, I know it's tough. I too had the Xanax thing going for a while (while drinking, and smoking pot). Don't beat yourself up, but also remember that it's not just alcohol we have to avoid, it's all mind altering substances, if we are to actually recover.

I can also relate to being sad about never being able to drink again. It's actually the long term knowledge that sober is the only way I can remain from now on. Almost like I lost a good friend, that I will never see again. What keeps me going is I think I found a new friend (sober dive2deep).

Hang in there, and sending you positive vibes. Seeing we're on the same day count, I feel kind of connected to you, and want to see us both succeed in this journey.

Tigger41

Thats so weird. I explained it to someone as "I've lost by best friend" and when those words came out of my mouth it surprised me but felt so true. Not a very healthy BFF but one just the same. I could do without the daily headaches but they'll pass.

Getting to know the sober me. Thanks dive2deep. Day 15 tomorrow yeah

WritingFool

I am sorry for your loss.

Congrats on day 14!