keithj

Maybe yes and maybe no, Pigtails. I don't struggle with sobriety, and being an alcoholic that was forced to take the 12 Steps has led to a better life than I've ever imagined. Maybe it's not an instant cure, and some work is involved, but the 12 Steps are all about getting free and living life on a different basis.

I never wanted any of that when I walked into AA. Hated the 'religious' aspects, hated the slogans, hated the do-gooder/feel good vibe in the rooms. I just wanted to stay sober, and cared nothing about any spiritual awakening. Fortunately, I had some solid AA members around me that didn't give me their opinion. Instead, they laid out the program of recovery (12 Steps) that they had followed, and they showed me how that program manifested in their lives.

Pigtails

It was weird… but good. :-) Thanks for asking.

It happened to be a step meeting and they were reading from the Big Book about the Eleventh Step and prayer and meditation. At first I felt really uncomfortable, like I was totally in the wrong place!! I felt anxious and like it was some religion—reading out loud from some sort of “Bible,” and there was a part that I felt was rather patronizing to agnostics, that said something like, those of us who still insist on being agnostics are silly (at least, that’s what I took from it).

Suddenly, for the first time in the 9 days that I had been not drinking again, I wanted a drink really badly! I just wanted to get out of there and go have a drink and know that I wasn’t like “those people” and I didn’t need to be brain-washed to be “happy,” etc. I was having a lot of overwhelmingly negative feelings. Then the leader stopped the reading and said it was time to share. I started feeling better when I heard people speak because they were just humans, not preachy or self-righteous, which I felt was the tone of the book that was being read. Two people went and then the leader asked me if I would like to share. I was nervous but decided to be completely honest. I said I had been trying not to drink on my own and I had some objections to AA, the main one being that I am not religious and don’t believe in a god, but that people had told me you don’t have to be religious or believe in God to go to AA and that AA is not a religion. So I thought it was pretty strange that the reading was on prayer when I decided to attend. However, I have been trying to meditate and to pray to nothing/whatever is out there and it helps to just voice my concerns and then let them go, so, I am trying to be open-minded and try any suggestions.

The leader asked me if this was the first AA meeting I’d been to and I said no, I went to a few about 4 or 5 months ago, and I had met the woman who had invited me to this meeting today. I said that in between I have been trying to do it on my own in spurts and I definitely feel happier and healthier when I don’t drink, so, I decided to try AA again so that I can just not drink ever, at all.

When the woman who invited me to the meeting got to share, she was really easy for me to relate to, and said that she isn’t religious and doesn’t believe in any god either, and that at first the whole concept of “God” freaked her out and she thought it was creepy. But now she just wakes up every day and “prays” to whatever to give her the strength and guidance to do what she needs to do that day. That is exactly what I’ve been trying to do ever since hearing about the prayer concept, and it helps me, and so I could buy into that concept. I also began to realize that maybe I had felt like having a drink because I knew it would be hard work to face my issues and put an effort into living my life, and that it would be much easier to just escape into alcohol like I’m used to.

Several women gave me their numbers and encouraged me to come back and to go to other meetings. They were all very nice. I like the women’s meeting and small group format. I would like to meet with several people all the time for awhile, but I don’t know how it all works yet. I have an individual counseling session set up tonight with a new therapist, and over lunch I had an appointment at a sleep center for my anxiety-caused sleep disorder, so, I will go to another meeting tomorrow because today is booked full.

Thanks to everyone who told me to go; I’m glad I did. It still feels new and a bit over-whelming to me but I think it is what I need to stay consistent and accountable.

Pigtails

You're right... I guess nobody wants to be there any more than I want to be there.

After the meeting one of the women told me I'm very brave for coming. That made me stop and go huh?

I feel grateful that my bottoms haven't included jail or court time or something saying I needed to go there. At least it is my choice and I can correct the path earlier rather than later.

Pigtails

This is good to know. Thank you. Eventually I hope to feel that it is a gift and something to be grateful for. Right now I oscillate between that feeling, and thinking I am insane/ wishing I could just be "normal."

sugarbear1

Pigtails, you're a normal alkie! Keep coming back!

Fenris

Pigtails, it's awesome that you're willing to try something that you're not especially comfortable with in order to stay sober and that you're willing to keep at it. I had a lot of the same issues with God/prayer/spirituality that you mentioned when I first started going to meetings, but something that helped me was hearing this old-timer talk about how his Higher Power started off as an old oak tree in his backyard. "Prayer" to him was going outside, sitting in a lawn chair and talking to the tree. Seemed kinda ridiculous to me, but he explained that at first, having something real to see and touch was what he needed to help him make spiritual growth until he basically "outgrew" it. Made sense to me. It's not like we can go from believing in nothing greater than ourselves to a spiritual awakening overnight. Progress, not perfection.

--Fenris.

Pigtails

Thank you, Fenris. I like the tree idea. For me, just journaling and meditating and thinking about my issues seems to help a lot. Just consciously being aware and honest with myself.

I had my first therapy appointment tonight with a new counselor whom I like so far. She has a very calming presence and gives practical advice (I'm used to the ones who just sit there and listen to me, or ask me thought-provoking questions... it's kind of nice to have someone give me suggestions on what to do!) Funny, we didn't even discuss alcohol yet. I spent the whole time venting about my job situation and talking about my sleep disorder/anxiety (which is the way the insurance categorizes my therapy visits and I guess the main reason I'm going). She had some helpful things to say. Next time I am going to talk to her about my issues and struggles with drinking. I feel good just working on myself and trying to address my issues.

eJoshua

Well said, Fenris. I agree.

I think in order to get sober you almost have to take steps that are uncomfortable. So many people I see on here seem to fail because they're unwilling to try something that doesn't feel 100% safe in order to get sober. I know that was the case for me: I kept relapsing until I was finally at a place where I was willing to commit to some big uncomfortable lifestyle changes and then everything seemed to click.

Glad to see you're keeping an open mind, Pigtails.

Pigtails

I'm learning that I need to change everything. I no longer go to the same places or have many of the same friends. I have different relationships with the friends I have left. I am thinking of how to get more friends who don't drink.

My sober life so far has been much more clam and "boring" than my driniking life, but I need that, after so much chaos and craziness. I am learning how to be more responsible, disciplined, mature. But also more patient with myself and self-loving and positive-thinking. It's like everything is truly changing.

I continue to have thoughts of "I'm not an alcoholic" and "I can just drink sometimes." I try to remind myself that that's my addiction talking and I think seriously about my relationship with alcohol, which is, I do not have much interest in drinking unless it is to get drunk. I can fool myself into thinking I want to drink socially or moderately, but, that leads to the slippery slope of wanting to get drunk, so, it's not worth the risk. I want to be able to know who I am sober, to enjoy my time without a buzz, and to feel everything, the good and the bad. So I always remind myself of these reasons not to drink and just keep on not drinking, even when I feel like it.

I am very busy with commitments at work today and am meeting my boyfriend's mom for the first time after work, for dinner. So I am not sure if I can make a meeting today. However, I would like to go back. It helps me even though I have mixed feelings about it.