goalofsobriety

Hi everyone, I'll try to keep this short. I'd like some advice on how to avoid trigger friends and situations. Since I've decided to become sober I have relapsed twice in a relatively short time because I made the decision to hang out with my old drinking buddies in our old stomping grounds. I'm very scared of this happening again because both times I have gotten too drunk and done coke- which has left me with horrible anxiety and depression for days after.

I really need some advice on how to avoid the people who I called friends for the past 3+ years of my life. This has been so hard. It's much easier said than done. "just don't hang out with them" or "just avoid those situations" is not really what i'm looking for as a suggestion. I'd like to know first hand how you guys went about this...and/or suggestions on how to go about this.

Thanks so much in advance!

PS. It's not so much that i'll "miss" these people at this point...it's that my addiction leads me to them.

yo466

Goal-

I think this all depends on how comfortable and confident you feel in your sobriety. I had to take some alone time, work on myself and get some sober time in before I could hang out with my drinking buddies again. Some I don't hang out with anymore because they were not supportive of my sobriety. Some I still hang with because they were cool with me being sober and hanging out. I drink cokes while they drink beer and it's still cool to hang out.

As long as you feel confident in your sobriety then you should be fine. If you think, or know that you're going to slip if you hang out with them then watch out.

Dee74

I'm afraid that is exactly what I had to do.

When I got with those guys, I invariably drank and drugged. It's what they do - I was with them...so I did it too. A part of me wanted to.

I tried so many ways to still hang out and not drink or drug - nothing worked.
Either I was miserable, or they were.

I finally had to accept that I had no place being with these guys - it was actually helpful that a couple got nasty with me for quitting.

Now looking back I can see that, for all the 'friendship' we spouted on about,
our relationship was really based on getting high - I'm glad I got out.

I had lots of other friends who did support my decision, and I've made lots of new friends since

I'm not the same man I used to be, and frankly I'm glad.

D

quitforme79

There are some old friends I know I will never hang out with again because all of our meetings were revolved around drinking. This would just be a bad idea for me and honestly, I don't want to live that lifestyle anymore so I need to find sober friends or "normal drinkers" (like 1 or 2 drinks) that I can hang around with. Sure, it will be lonely at first but "when life is hard, you have to change". Best of luck to you

pikkle69

Yeah, there's just way too much one does in their alcoholic life that can be associated with drinking. As for me, I'm just avoiding everyone. Too bad if their feelings are hurt, it's not worth me hurting myself anymore. I'm not going to throw it out there to them either, it's my problem, not theirs. When the time is right and I know I have the will no matter what not to slip, I'll decide who to let back into my world and when. Sorry, I guess I'm about tough love, like spanking a child who just ran into the street when you told them not to because they could get killed, that small amount of pain may have just saved their life...

Pigtails

Okay your 'PS' is why, IMO, your only option is to do what you don't want us to suggest - cut these people out of your life, at least temporarily, and stop hanging out with them, because you know that the part of you who is addicted wants to hang out with them soley for the purposes of drinking/drugging. There is no other way out of it but to stay out of it.

I can relate. The hardest thing for me to do so far has been to change my friendships and my pattern of going out. For me it is necessary for my sobriety and it sounds to me like you're in the same boat.

Eventually I would like to be able to go out and not be tempted to drink/drug. For instance I enjoy dancing and that usually involves being around alcohol. But right now, I'm not strong enough. I know this about myself based on past attempts/failures, so, I'm avoiding it altogether. I also thought that eventually I'd like to be able to hang out with my old drinking/partying buddies without partaking in those activities, but honestly, I don't really miss them because the tie that bonded us was the alcohol (and coke, like in your case as well). I mainly wanted to hang out with them to get drunk/high, and vice versa. :-( Right now I am focusing on more positive influences as my friends, and honestly they have much more substance than the other folks. (No pun intended, ha ha). They offer me much better support and true happiness.

I have one college friend in another city where I'm going to be over Thanksgiving to visit some other friends/family members. My addicted-self always stayed with her when visiting so that we could go out to cool clubs and party all night. I am debating whether to not stay with her at all/ not even let her know I'm in town, so as to avoid temptation, or to tell her honestly that I'm sober and wish to stay that way and only want to hang out with her without drinking/partying. Since my sobriety is so new and shaky (I'm on day 8 this time around, but have had slip-ups before), I am leaning towards not hanging out with her at all. It means my boyfriend won't get to meet her and I won't get to see her when I'm in her city, which is fairly rare, but, I can't trust myself around her. Even if she understands and gives up her normal going-out routine to hang out with me, I know that part of the reason I've been her friend since the beginning is that she likes to drink and drug as much (or much more than) I do. So it just doesn't make sense, psychologically, to put myself in that situation. She is one I will see when I am sure of my sobriety, and test the waters whether she is still a good friend without alcohol and drugs in the picture of us hanging out together.

Opivotal

Maybe you can ask these "friends" to go someplace where there is no drinking or drugging. If they are your friends and they know your trying to stay sober, they will be happy to accommodate you. Maybe dinner, a movie, sports, shopping, anything that you can enjoy without getting wasted. You could give it a try.

I know for myself...I had to let some of my friends go. I wanted to be sober so bad...and I didn't want to take a chance. You will have to make this decision at some point goal. What's most important to You?


Best Wishes To You!

goalofsobriety

To be clear, what I meant by this (above) was that I know that I have to avoid these situations and friends but I don't exactly know how. I'm usually good about it for a period of time but then get sucked back into my old patterns.

Thanks everyone so far for your support!

Pigtails

I think you have to want sobriety enough to change everything. You have to stay focused on the goal of sobriety and not get sucked back in. I know it's a hard struggle and I am still trying to get there.

I also think it helps if you have friends who are sober who you can hang out with, and a good support network, whether family or friends who don't drink and understand your desire not to drink, or, AA or another recovery program.

Good luck. We're rooting for you. It's great that you realize it's all about your own strength and desire and not about your friends. Let them have the anxiety and depression... you can move on to a better life. Maybe when they're ready they will want what you then have.

Dee74

I made it clear I wasn't drinking again under any circumstances...and a lot of the problem solved itself GOS...after they realised I was serious, my 'friends' scattered....

D

Terminally Unique

Funny how that usually works out, isn't it?

Turtledove

One day while visiting a horse farm I questioned why one of the horses was not allowed out of the stable, I was informed she was injured and they were trying to keep her from re injuring herself . She had to stay in the stable until she could stand on her own again. I would suggest you stay in the stable until you are strong enough to stand on your own.even then you could fall from the old injury . That's why we all need support to keep us stable. Never give up.

goalofsobriety

I love this analogy, Turtle. Very well put.