Back at day 1..what's wrong with me
 

Back to day 1 after a three day bender. I am so down and out right now it is ridiculous. I have been fighting off the frightening anxiety and wondering why I can't seem to get this right. Of course I drove drunk in blackout and woke up to my car parked half way out of my spot. I live in an apartment complex and I can't stop worrying about wether someone saw me pull in and stumble out. Luckily, there are no dents or scratches on the car and the police haven't showed up so I am assuming my compelete and total disregard for anything only hurt me....this time. Why do we do this? If I had hurt someone I would not have been able to live with myself. I can't stop thinking about the shame and hurt this creates for my family members. They give me nothing but love and I can't even give them a sober son or brother. I could cry my eyes out right now. I feel like the worst person in the world.

Just called my shrink and have set up an outpatient rehab that she recomended but I didn't go because I'm too young, successful, etc. Funny I can have so much pride. I think I need a program other than just sober recovery and my own self will. Anyone done the outpatient thing? What even happens in rehab?

I have been where you are. It's scary and miserable, I know. I've done the outpatient program before, it's not bad. I definitely recommend speaking to your Dr. About this. The program I have now is I see a shrink, and a nutrionist, and my Doc keeps track of how I react and work with suppplements to control cravings. When I'm having a really bad day, I'll hit up an AA meeting. Don't be afraid to try news ways to be sober. There really is no wrong way. Welcome to SR!!! :)

Maybe that last episode was what it took to have you get the help you need. You certainly are not a bad person - you are filled with regret & remorse because you care about your actions & their impact on others. (I haven't been to outpatient rehab, hopefully someone else will be able to advise.)

I drove drunk quite a few times, & never thought I was out of control. Yet I blew a .32 once! We could both be in jail for vehicular homicide. Frightening - but you have another chance. This is where your dangerous behavior can end. You can kick this poison out of your life and have a whole new start. I know you can do this.

Thanks, boz. I've been here for a while I just can't seem to get this right. I had 5 months for awhile relapsed, made it another couple months after that, and I have now relapsed again. I am just so frustrated and upset with myself. It's just scary to me because It only takes one time of doing something dumb to have a lifetime of regret not just a hangover. I've been to AA, not recently though, and it's hard for me because I am naturally kind of a shy person I guess I need to just keep trying anything until I finally get one that works.

This made me tear up, and I'm a 26 year old guy. I really needed to hear something like this. I just dont want this life anymore. If someone had told me when I started drinking this is where I would end up I would have never touched it.

Too much pride played it's part in keeping me out there drinking for many years until there is none left. I'm glad you didn't hurt anyone in your blackout drinking and driving to. That would be awful.

I found SR helpful, self will not so much. I needed out patient, inpatient, judges, jail, a shrink, AA, a small church, caring people and humility. Whatever it takes, it's worth finding a fun, peaceful enjoyable way of life without alcohol.

You will find your way.

I use to try to tell myself that I am allergic to alchohol. That helped me for a while. I would remind myself that I had a bad reaction to alcohol and in order to prevent the horrible sad feelings the next day, then I should keep it out of my mouth. Remembering the shakes and anxiety and shame I feel the next day helps sometimes.

I understand. I can't begin to tell you how many times I relapsed, because I've just lost count. I've been to jail 5 times and even then, just couldn't wait to get out so that I could have a drink. I walked out one morning, and saw that my truck was crashed and could not recall what I had run into. That scared the living crap out of me. I still continued to drink. I hated myself and who I was. Sometimes I still do. The quilt of things I have done to myself and to others just astounds me, and brings me to my knees. We can get through this, and we have to forgive ourselves. Pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and. Keep trying until we get it right.

Just set it up with my dr. to start this outpatient thing in a week. Kind of impulsive, but, my insurance covers it and I work for myself so I can take 3 weeks off to drive back and forth to this place. I just read the brochure and it sounds like 12 step therapy dabbled with CBT style activities.

Will power alone doesn't always work, it's an illness that produces changes in the brain and the way it works. You can reverse much of it with abstinence and therapy, it gets easier over time to deal with. But unfortunately it's not as simple as making a flip resolution. I couldn't get sober alone, much as I would've preferred it that way and not having to do the disclosure. I couldn't seem to rely on my own thoughts to guide me in the right direction.

Don't get discouraged, keep trying. Learn what you can from this and move on, recovery is an ongoing process. It doesn't all happen as quickly as we may like it, but it does get easier with time and support.

*Good to hear that you are making a start.

I think I have finally kind of realized it's a disease or something wrong with my body. I mean it makes no sense. It's self inflicted torture. We hate it but we need it. The worst part is alot of people don't even know I do it. I'm not that social a person and when I drink I sit in my living room playing video games and blasting music most of the time. I go 2 weeks without doing it and then hit the reset button and do it all over again.

Have you ever been diagnosed with depression, ADHD or something similar?

UofI - Just be happy you are discovering this now - not in your 50's (like me). The path of destruction was so avoidable.

I have OCD and GAD. I actually feel blessed that I was diagnosed because it gave me enough self awareness to realize that my drinking was a problem. Since I have basically been sober for 7 months minus 3 binges my anxiety has got much much better. In fact, I would say I feel "normal" and when I had big problems with my OCD I could barely leave the house.

I am trying to get some gratitude and just realize that while I am nowhere near perfect I am getting better at it. If someone would have told me that I only would have got drunk 3 times in 7 months I would have laughed in their face a year ago. I just feel like I keep getting everything going well and then wreck it all with a few days of drinking.

Wreck the few days drinking with years of being sober, that'll show em!!!

Best wishes in outpatient. Try to listen with an open mind.

I read many excuses in your posts, glad to see you're past that! A 22 year old near me just got 40 years for killing 3 people...

Listen to some aa speakers online....

Wow 40 years! So tragic, and the reason why it is so frightening. I think in my state they can only give you 10 per person unless you have had previous dui arrests. In my opinion living with that shame would be worse than the jail time.

There's nothing wrong with you that the rest of us don;t know about UoI.

Many's the time I woke up declaring never again and, as little as two hours later, I was drinking.

I had to accept that I was an alcoholic and that drinking and I would always had a bad relationship.

I went to some pretty extraordinary lengths to get drunk sometimes - I had to decide to apply that same determination to getting sober and staying that way...

I'm glad you made the OP move Uof2008 :)

D

I think it was a good idea too and I hurried to do it because I didn't want to give myself time to change my mind. I actually feel kind of bad because she had it all set-up for me and I just never called back. Why I thought I was smarter than a Dr. that probably sees people like me all the time is beyond me?