dameindstress

I am all the way new at this and need advice...I became an alcoholic in my 20s when I was married to my 1st husband-I worked fulltime all the time since I was 19.I worked in an industry where the girls and I would go out for drinks everynight then it was fine..I got a divorce(it was a good thing)and met my now husband we got pregnant and I quit working to stay at home.Well I lost ALL of my friends due to our schedules now conflicted and they all moved on.and also my husband travels and is gone 5 days out of 7 so I am by myself and I watch another child throughout the week so I am around no one else I actually quit drinking and had a burst of energy but recently (while my daughter was at familys house for night)relapsed and I get really bad anxiety for the next week or so after I drink I am also on zoloft so black outs occur more easily when intoxicated.anyway I accused my sisterinlaw of things that I should not have and the very next early morning I forwarded an appology but the whole "inlaw"family had already heard of what I had done.I am now mortified and feel more alone and lost than I ever have.I am now reaching out and trying to work on fixing myself with help instead of just hoping help will happen to me.With Thanksgiving next week I DO NOT feel comfortable going to his familys dinner.I know I did it to myself but I am still trying to wrap my own mind around my issues and feel I should fix myself before I can face his family but he is angry and says I need to face them and I will but it is all still so fresh and I need to help myself before I can try to help the situation that I know I CAUSED.I am a very lost soul right now and need some help and advice please.sorry I have rambled on

dameindstress

I have said way to much I know but I am looking for people to talk to that are walking in my shoes as well and again I have no one to talk to about this just hoping for some help and support

JohnnyH

hello dameindistress...interesting how you said you have anxiety after a night of drinking. I can't tell you how much I can relate to that. I hate looking back and re-hashing my night. I swear I lose hair doing that. One thing I have found that works is to just realize that its not as bad as you make it out to be in your own head. I often feel like I have severed relationships or destroyed my reputation for good, but that is never the case. We tend to build up our drunken nights in our minds as the worst thing that could ever happen in the world, but I promise you, it was not as bad as you think.

Go to the Thanksgiving dinner. You will see there that everything will be fine. Apologize for your actions and just continue to work on yourself. I'm sorry you are feeling this anxiety, believe me I wish there was a way to snap your fingers and have your nerves calmed. Instead, just take solace in the fact that nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

dameindstress

It already feels so much better getting some of this off of my chest.I hate it that people go through this but glad that I am not alone.I am still weary of the Thanksgiving dinner even though thats great advice I dont really know his family all that well cause we have been closer to mine so I am just sick about the whole thing.His WHOLE family contacted him before I did and he was out of town when I did this so I have very mixed emotions on the whole thing.And to think that all of this drama for alcohol.I wonder when and if I will ever learn.I thought I had learned last time but here I am again.

JohnnyH

You are clearly trying to work on yourself and just being reflexive enough to come to a forum like this shows that you truly care about getting better and improving your way of life. Just try not to let others who don't understand what you are going through make you feel bad about yourself for your struggle.

Sometimes you will slip up and make mistakes. You will be very hard on yourself when you do. But try to take a step back and think about how far you have already come. You obviously care very much about yourself and your family and that is a terrific characteristic. There are a lot of people out there who abuse themselves with drugs and/or alcohol and don't care how it effects those around them. You care and I think your family will see that.

dameindstress

Thankyou and you are absolutly(spell?)right .I will go.I do care about what image I put out there and I dont want my child to think of me as a unsure unhappy person and all of this because of alcohol.and I shouldnt have said "I was in my 20s when I became an alcoholic "that was when I discovered that I was.I just dont understand when and why I started lashing out at people while drinking.I never used to do that.the only thing that i can think of is that I am always by myself when I drink and feel lonely and I guess try to get attention whether it be negative or whatever.Am I doing this right or do I say to much?

Tippingpoint

Hi dameindstress!

I think we all have similar stories of shame and guilt for the various things we've done. Some may be similar, some may be different.

I can say that one of the biggest rewards for me in sobriety has been knowing that there is nothing and will be nothing that I need to be guilty or ashamed of - at least drinking related anyway! I find this to be so enjoyable! It's made my life so much easier and more productive.

The other thing that I've come to know is that we can change neither the past nor the future...all we can do is respect and honour the present moment.

Good luck!

Hevyn

dame - you didn't say too much. We are here to help you. We've all been through those humiliating times. I can remember waking up after a night of drinking, fully dressed, desperately trying to recall what I said or did the night before. Sometimes the things I did were things I'd never do sober - in the end, alcohol turned me into a person I didn't even recognize.

I agree with Johnny - I think you'd feel better if you went to T-Day dinner. It could be a little awkward at first, but it would be harder to put off seeing them again. I'd just walk in with a smile, let them see that you're not drinking and that you regret what happened. The memory of what happened will fade, trust me.

Glad it's helped to come here and talk this out. SR is an amazing place. We're on your side.

Nikoneer

Hello Dame,
I'm very new here myself and am not even at day 1 yet BUT I don't think ANYONE who comes here rambles. We all come here and say what we need to say. We are fortunate that others listen and reply. For me it's part of the healing. What's also part of the healing process is reading other peoples stories. So thank you for sharing.

As far as embarrassing moments!...
I could tell some stories that would make an old sea salt sailor blush.

We've ALL been there.

Stay strong and keep talking!

dameindstress

Thankyou so much for all of this feed back I balling but the are tears of joy because I feel like I have found what I have been looking for and for so long and it feels so good to hear from you all now I dont feel like the only one in the world and I dont feel that I stand alone....not anymore.Thankyou youo have no idea how much this touches me and how great I feel by talking with you all thankyou so much because I have been in a very dark place by myself for so long now and now I feel freedom is closer

JustMeg

Hello and a warm welcome dameindistress. I'm new here too, but it's already helped me a lot. I agree with Nikoneer that reading other people's posts and stories helps and I have gained comfort, strength and inspiration from them. So don't apologize for sharing - you're among friends here and you don't have to deal with this on your own any more. So pleased to meet you, Meg

Dee74

welcome to SR dameindistress
you really are among friends here - I think nearly all of us can identify with feeling mortified about things we did when drinking.

I'm glad you've made a decision to lead a healthier life.
it's good to have you with us

D

dameindstress

I love that quote !How true is that!Today is I feel good.And thanks to all of you as to why it is a good day!Thankyou

harleyq

hi dame,

this is my second day here and it has helped me so much. Good luck with Thanksgiving- I have been in similar states of mortification. It's horrible to have so much guilt.

Opivotal

Welcome dameindstress! So happy you shared with us. It does help to get it out. Your not alone, believe me. I felt the same way until I joined SR. We've all made mistakes, said things we didn't mean. All you can do is apologize and live your best life today!



Best Wishes To You!

overthis

Dameindstress-Good for you on deciding to go to thanksgiving dinner. I think a big part of sobriety deals with us facing our fears. It will show your in-laws AND husband a lot by just going to dinner.