Reassuring our loved ones that our sobriety is secure
 

Do you do this? How?

Maybe this is more a question for F&F.

But anyway I have been sober for over a year with no serious temptation. As in - any problems I have had have had to do with my lack of 'real life' coping skills. but I haven't found myself staring at a wine bottle or anything.

I heard a thing on the radio yesterday about alcoholics having serotonin imbalances and so talking to my husband about it I mentioned that I was going to start focusing on that (sunlight, exercise). I uttered my usual disclaimer "notthati'mtemptedtodrink". I could see in his face that this is 'old news'. He doesn't doubt me, in other words.

Do you feel the need to reassure your loved ones? I live a sober, mostly happy life and I guess that should be enough. But I feel like if I were the alcoholic's partner I'd be a wreck waiting for it to fall apart.

What has your experience been?

I think it depends on the spouse/partner. My husband, though one of my biggest enablers, also took a very hands off approach to my recovery and we have never really 'talked' about it, other than him mentioning he's proud of me when I hit each year mark. I attribute this to two things.. one, he cannot understand alcoholism, so he honestly assumes all has been well since the day I quit and hasn't even considered that I'd go back to where I was. Two, he's an incredibly forgiving and positive person by nature, and again only assumes the best in most situations. That's all well and fine, but I remember early on wondering endlessly how he felt, if HE needed to 'recover' from my issues, etc.. but as time has gone on, my drinking career has just become a thing of the past that we shrug about and move on with our lives.

I do remember feeling the need to reassure people in my life back when I was on more shaky ground and unsure of how well I was doing myself.

Since I don't have a husband or SO I have little to say in the way of experience. However, I have no need to reassure my kids that my sobriety is secure and solid since they can see that it is solid in my actions and attitude. So no, I haven't had the need to point out the obvious to those close to me.:)

I don't feel the need ...my actions speak for themselves.




Best Wishes To You!

I think it's probably normal for family and friends to fear that we might go back to our old ways for a time. But this fades. I haven't felt the need to reassure anyone, nor has anyone needed reassurance, in years.

What if you were? What then?

If you've been sober for over a year, I doubt your husband is thinking about it at all, and based on the fact that you're not even tempted, I'm not sure why you're thinking about it either.

At first I thought you were going to say that you couldn't convince your loved one to stop worrying about your drinking again, but then you said that he wasn't worried, but that you would be worried if you were him. Unless I misunderstood what you were trying to say.

Chances are he really is worried. And you are worried too. But, if you and he weren't worrying about YOUR alcoholism, would you just substitute some other issue and worry about that instead? Or would you both simply cease to worry? Maybe you could help your husband along with one of his issues for a change. You know, take the focus off of you and help him. I don't know, I could be completely off base here.

Personally, I don't know how my loved ones will ever trust me like they did before. That really sucks, and sometimes it makes me just want to start over with new loved ones, but honestly that is going to happen anyway because there aren't many loved ones left anymore.

Alcoholism is a really lonely disease. I have lost a lot of friends due in part to my drinking. It seems easier at times to try to start completely over with a new set of people, but that doesn't seem right for a lot of reasons. Anyway, what if I did drink again and then just lost my new set of loved ones? How horrible alcoholism is.

honey...you need to lighten up on yourself. i agree...actions speak louder than words. i get a feeling that you are actually trying to reassure yourself. i could be way wrong with this but, you dont need to worry about what others are thinking about you. you cant control that...and throwing out a few disclaimers here and there wont make them think differently. they are watching and enjoying a sober you. thats what counts...not what your perception of their thoughts is. be kinder to yourself. if you have no thoughts or temptations....be grateful! good luck and good love....mags

When I began to think of myself as a normal person who never drinks, as opposed to an alcoholic on the edge of relapse, this kind of thinking — fear, uncertainty, and doubt — went away. Just yesterday I was sent on an errand to buy alcohol by someone in my family, someone who had previously tried to send me off to "treatment," so I imagine that they can now sense that the problem is over. Actions speak louder than words, and your husband will probably sense your own fear, uncertainty, and doubt as well. If you believe in yourself, though, you won't have to reassure anyone else.

I like this

You know I can see why you think that's what's going on but it's not. I think what's going on is guilt. I feel terribly guilty for everything I put him and my children through. Flutter - my husband and yours sound similar. The one time we did talk about it I expressed my regret for what I put him through and he said it was such a small part of our 'forever' lives. Which is sweet but it was our WHOLE relationship up until a year ago.

I just have terrible regrets and guilt.

I really don't fear relapse. I'm 'done'.

Thanks all for the ears and thoughts!

I also have a forgiving husband with a positive outlook.

However, I had made so many promises to stop drinking, that when I finally did, I didn't say anything, nor did I try to reassure him. I knew my word wouldn't have meant much at the time. So, it was a question of doing the right thing over a long period of time. And, that's really all we can do.

Perhaps a few sessions in relationship counselling might help. He would hear how you are feeling about what happened. It might help you if he were able to talk about the impact on him.

Alternately maybe you could see a counsellor and discuss what happened?

Both of those are great suggestions. I think he would say it's not necessary but for me it would be helpful, I think, to go alone. Thank you!

I express my dislike for drinking every now and then when it comes up in conversation. So, I guess that's my way of reassuring him. My husband doesn't think about these things as much as I do nor does he know much about patterns of relapse. I'd have to actually start drinking for the fear to return. This is based on what he's told me and what I've actually experienced in our years together.

Right now I'm working on trying to find reassurance for myself, don't think I could cope with the added burden of trying to reassure anyone else. That's why I haven't told anyone about my problem. That and the shame.

IDK, my experience is sort of like, this whole deal is up to me, she's just gonna assume that I do the right thing.

I put a few of my beer T-shirts, specialty brews, in my adult son's closet. My wife was going through some stuff... she asked me about them, aren't they mine? She gave me one or two as gifts... and she kind of persisted even after a few deflecting statements from me... finally I said I didn't wear them anymore... they might make me want one! "Oh... ok..." she said.

LOL

Frankly, I don't care that she is clueless... we can have a relationship that has nothing to do with recovery or anything like that... just the normal stuff... 4 kids, getting' all grown up and all... getting a little older... work (we work together, have for 25 years...)

She just gets cranky when I spend too much time on SR... LOLOLOLOL

When I reassured my wife during the first year-ish of sobriety my reassurances had nothing to do with my needs. Rather, these freely given assurances were intentional steps I took in an effort to create the kind of trusting, secure atmosphere that is critical to a healthy marriage and was impossible to attain/sustain while I was drinking.

SSIL75 - As far as the guilt is concerned, it helped me to adopt the belief that going forward I am charged to live in a way that honors and respects my deserving spouse. Some might call this a perpetual "amend". I'm not perfect, of course. But, the effort is totally worth it.

It can take awhile to earn back trust. In my case, I told my friends and family many lies in my last drinking days, so it was difficult for them to take me seriously. That was fair enough in my opinion, given my past history. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd probably feel the same. But I feel they do trust me now, as they wouldn't give me certain responsibilities if they didn't.