Feeling low
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: World Citizen
Posts: 27
Feeling low
Well I've made it to day 28. Physically I am feeling better apart from the twinges still in my liver and a feeling of fullness in my right side.
I've been using the AVRT method to dissaociate my alcoholic desires. Works for me, and saying I will never drink again actually helps. It's my plan and I stick to it.
What is not so good is the despair I now feel. Despair in the sense of nothingness and a complete lack of hope or interest.
I don't think it is not from drinking as I don't seem to have the desire to drink - or maybe I realise that driniking won't help, but over the past few days my self esteem has fallen as low as when I was drinking and I feel like I'll never get out of the rut I am in.
For the first three weeks the mountains I saw before me that I need to climb seemed conquerable, but now I feel again whatever I do I am beaten. I can't win.
Maybe this is just another chemical change in the brain from the removal of alcohol, but I need to get my self into a positive place once again.
Don't even know why I am writing this other than I need to tell someone. I wish I knew what would make me feel better.
There's a lot of personal stuff that's gone on in the past few years. My life went very right until I was 37 (I'm 41 now). Everything worked for me and I made lots and lots of money. Unfortunatey my self esteem was tied up in this, big houses, big cars, just big, which I realise is superficial but that is the world we live in.
Then one day things went wrong and went wrong fairly catastrophically in every area of my life.
Alcohol played a part in this but so did some other bad choices, some bad luck and a world wide recession. For a long time it felt that every choice I ever made would be wrong and my family have suffered a lot of hardship because of it.
It goes with the territory of being self employed but it doesn't make it any easier.
Then at the end of last year my father was diagnosed with cancer and was dead within 6 months at the age of 67. He'd been a heavy drinker most of his life but it wasn't liver but gall bladder cancer - I suspect there is a connection.
I moved back from the States to the UK to look after my mum. Frankly my Dad did everything for her and she just takes and takes. I find her selfishness difficult to bear sometimes.
So now here I am. I still have my wife and wonderful kids. Huge blessing.
But I miss home (even though I am British I miss the States), financially I am nowhere near where I was and don't know if I'll get half back, I miss my dad like crazy, my mum is driving me nuts.
Sorry : reading back this post sounds selfish, whingy and self pitying. Alcohol and self pity are a dangerous combination.
I am well aware that many people are far more worse off than me. Many of my business friends lost everything, but it still does not detract from the fact that I need to provide for my wife and kids.
I need to count my blessings. Just feeling very low today.
I've been using the AVRT method to dissaociate my alcoholic desires. Works for me, and saying I will never drink again actually helps. It's my plan and I stick to it.
What is not so good is the despair I now feel. Despair in the sense of nothingness and a complete lack of hope or interest.
I don't think it is not from drinking as I don't seem to have the desire to drink - or maybe I realise that driniking won't help, but over the past few days my self esteem has fallen as low as when I was drinking and I feel like I'll never get out of the rut I am in.
For the first three weeks the mountains I saw before me that I need to climb seemed conquerable, but now I feel again whatever I do I am beaten. I can't win.
Maybe this is just another chemical change in the brain from the removal of alcohol, but I need to get my self into a positive place once again.
Don't even know why I am writing this other than I need to tell someone. I wish I knew what would make me feel better.
There's a lot of personal stuff that's gone on in the past few years. My life went very right until I was 37 (I'm 41 now). Everything worked for me and I made lots and lots of money. Unfortunatey my self esteem was tied up in this, big houses, big cars, just big, which I realise is superficial but that is the world we live in.
Then one day things went wrong and went wrong fairly catastrophically in every area of my life.
Alcohol played a part in this but so did some other bad choices, some bad luck and a world wide recession. For a long time it felt that every choice I ever made would be wrong and my family have suffered a lot of hardship because of it.
It goes with the territory of being self employed but it doesn't make it any easier.
Then at the end of last year my father was diagnosed with cancer and was dead within 6 months at the age of 67. He'd been a heavy drinker most of his life but it wasn't liver but gall bladder cancer - I suspect there is a connection.
I moved back from the States to the UK to look after my mum. Frankly my Dad did everything for her and she just takes and takes. I find her selfishness difficult to bear sometimes.
So now here I am. I still have my wife and wonderful kids. Huge blessing.
But I miss home (even though I am British I miss the States), financially I am nowhere near where I was and don't know if I'll get half back, I miss my dad like crazy, my mum is driving me nuts.
Sorry : reading back this post sounds selfish, whingy and self pitying. Alcohol and self pity are a dangerous combination.
I am well aware that many people are far more worse off than me. Many of my business friends lost everything, but it still does not detract from the fact that I need to provide for my wife and kids.
I need to count my blessings. Just feeling very low today.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to a very supportive family.
I too felt total despair and hopelessness in early recovery. I think it was just my body and brain learning to function without alcohol. Whatever it was, it went away in a few months and I started to feel better, more 'normal'. If your feelings of despair don't even out please see your doctor, could be depression.
I too felt total despair and hopelessness in early recovery. I think it was just my body and brain learning to function without alcohol. Whatever it was, it went away in a few months and I started to feel better, more 'normal'. If your feelings of despair don't even out please see your doctor, could be depression. Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,944
Alcohol is a depressant Tiger.. it took me many months before i felt half way decent. each individual is different. depends on how much and how long you drank! one things for sure though.. you ARE Healing right now.. stick with it!
LIVING SOBER
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Cent MD
Posts: 104
Good morning tiger1, I would suggest seeing a doctor about that liver.
Getting a clean bill of health, or taking the necessary steps for physical recovery will put your mind at ease.
Saying that you will never drink again is a much better foundation than saying I will drink after I get better. Remember this is alcoholism, not alcoholwasm.
I prefer to keep it on the I'm not going to drink today basis. This keeps me ever mindful that there are many things that I have to do today to stay sober.
In dealing with my despair I'd take advantage of my 20/20 hindsight, looking back at how things were in my recent past.
My hopes are bolstered with my faith that my higher power can do for me what I can do for myself.
My interests have changed over the years, and with the clarity of a sober mind I know that something besides alcohol will become an obsession, hopefully in moderation.
My conflicts with my fears and emotions started out as a vicious roller-coaster ride. Today the highs and lows have become less volatile, and less of a distraction.
My accomplishments today are small ones, I look at them as a step in the right direction to getting back into the cycle of living my life.
Accomplishing some of the tasks on a small scale that I neglected while drinking, gives me the incentive to do the work, on the next situation, that stands between me and my serenity.
Do all of us a favor and keep posting about how things are going in your life. I have gotten more out of this post of mine, then anyone who reads it will.
Putting my thoughts together in print gives me the chance to gather them and, to take an honest look at how I see myself today.
Taking that honest look at my feelings makes me feel better, knowing that the idiot committee inside of my head has been put on notice that confusion is not going to be the order of the day anymore.
Being grateful for what I have today supersedes any regrets that I may have for the things that I don't today. It starts with being alive and sober, anything after that is afforded to me by living my life in an ethical and moral manner.
The wrongs I have done cannot be undone, but they can be righted in many ways. The decision to do this, and the outcomes, can be a reward unto themselves.
At one time I put my parents through hell and back because my drinking.
Fortunately I had put about a dozen years of sobriety together while they preceded through their later years.
My father made sure that my mother wanted for nothing .
He outlived her by seven years, and missed her every day that she was gone.
If their time of death had been reversed I would have had to deal with the situation in the same manner as you're having to now.
The fact that you realize it is a blessing that your family has stood by you, in itself can be one of the incentive that keeps you on the path to sober recovery.
Our concern over how others have suffered is admirable, but the fact that we have suffered enough, and need to look at our lives and make the changes that will give us our lives back is where we need to concentrate our efforts .
You have given me a lot to think about this morning and I thank you. Look
Getting a clean bill of health, or taking the necessary steps for physical recovery will put your mind at ease.
Saying that you will never drink again is a much better foundation than saying I will drink after I get better. Remember this is alcoholism, not alcoholwasm.
I prefer to keep it on the I'm not going to drink today basis. This keeps me ever mindful that there are many things that I have to do today to stay sober.
In dealing with my despair I'd take advantage of my 20/20 hindsight, looking back at how things were in my recent past.
My hopes are bolstered with my faith that my higher power can do for me what I can do for myself.
My interests have changed over the years, and with the clarity of a sober mind I know that something besides alcohol will become an obsession, hopefully in moderation.
My conflicts with my fears and emotions started out as a vicious roller-coaster ride. Today the highs and lows have become less volatile, and less of a distraction.
My accomplishments today are small ones, I look at them as a step in the right direction to getting back into the cycle of living my life.
Accomplishing some of the tasks on a small scale that I neglected while drinking, gives me the incentive to do the work, on the next situation, that stands between me and my serenity.
Do all of us a favor and keep posting about how things are going in your life. I have gotten more out of this post of mine, then anyone who reads it will.
Putting my thoughts together in print gives me the chance to gather them and, to take an honest look at how I see myself today.
Taking that honest look at my feelings makes me feel better, knowing that the idiot committee inside of my head has been put on notice that confusion is not going to be the order of the day anymore.
Being grateful for what I have today supersedes any regrets that I may have for the things that I don't today. It starts with being alive and sober, anything after that is afforded to me by living my life in an ethical and moral manner.
The wrongs I have done cannot be undone, but they can be righted in many ways. The decision to do this, and the outcomes, can be a reward unto themselves.
At one time I put my parents through hell and back because my drinking.
Fortunately I had put about a dozen years of sobriety together while they preceded through their later years.
My father made sure that my mother wanted for nothing .
He outlived her by seven years, and missed her every day that she was gone.
If their time of death had been reversed I would have had to deal with the situation in the same manner as you're having to now.
The fact that you realize it is a blessing that your family has stood by you, in itself can be one of the incentive that keeps you on the path to sober recovery.
Our concern over how others have suffered is admirable, but the fact that we have suffered enough, and need to look at our lives and make the changes that will give us our lives back is where we need to concentrate our efforts .
You have given me a lot to think about this morning and I thank you. Look
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Tiger1, I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I am hardly an expert with just a month sober - but, it would seem that you have undergone a lot of change. Your post is not self-pitying, it is how you are feeling and being honest. You have suffered losses - your dad, you business, moving and dealing with your mum. To top that off, you have quit drinking! Please be kind and gentle with yourself. As stated in earlier posts, alcohol can really do a number on your body and your mind for quite some time. Early recovery is a time of ups and downs. Be proud of yourself for setting a goal and working towards it. Try and find ways to soothe and nuture yourself. You deserve it
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Tiger,
Sorry about your loss.
You don't not sound any more whiney than I sound sometimes to myself.
The simple fact of the matter is that the hurts hurt more when un-medicated. Just like the joys are more joyful sober. It is hard to ignore the things that are hurtful in life when we are no longer distracted by impotent mornings hungover, and days avoiding those that know about the reasons for the mornings, and obsessing over when the next drink can be had, then getting it.
Whew! I was quite busy emotionally and physically getting sick and getting over being sick enough to get sicker. Now the days slip by faster. And I can fill them with real deeds and move forward with all that time I used to spend obsessing.
I think many feel as you do with the markets out of the control it seems of even the masters of commerce to foresee.
It sounds like alcohol contributed more than its share to your losses and catastrophes. But it really boils down to this line does it not?
". . . financially I am nowhere near where I was and don't know if I'll get half back, I miss my dad like crazy, my mum is driving me nuts."
I sure can't disagree that right now you have some real challenges to keeping on an even keel. I loved my mother dearly before she died, and yet still admitted to my wife that having her a Continent away at all times kept it that way. She thought I was horrible to say that until I had my Mom over for a week to visit. She was smothering in her presence. My wife agrees now. She never understood that being put on a pedestal by parents is as bad a thing as being ignored and told you were stupid. Family obligations can be hard.
I will leave my post to you as a question. Since you can't bring your Dad back, and your Mom is not going to change, which way do you think you have a better shot at changing your fortunes if possible? Sober or not? Missing your Dad likely means that you smile when you think of him. That is his way of hanging around you now. Smile with what he still gives you.
I wish you peace. It can't be given, you have to take it for yourself.
Take peace. Work hard, AND take peace.
Sorry about your loss.
You don't not sound any more whiney than I sound sometimes to myself.
The simple fact of the matter is that the hurts hurt more when un-medicated. Just like the joys are more joyful sober. It is hard to ignore the things that are hurtful in life when we are no longer distracted by impotent mornings hungover, and days avoiding those that know about the reasons for the mornings, and obsessing over when the next drink can be had, then getting it.
Whew! I was quite busy emotionally and physically getting sick and getting over being sick enough to get sicker. Now the days slip by faster. And I can fill them with real deeds and move forward with all that time I used to spend obsessing.
I think many feel as you do with the markets out of the control it seems of even the masters of commerce to foresee.
It sounds like alcohol contributed more than its share to your losses and catastrophes. But it really boils down to this line does it not?
". . . financially I am nowhere near where I was and don't know if I'll get half back, I miss my dad like crazy, my mum is driving me nuts."
I sure can't disagree that right now you have some real challenges to keeping on an even keel. I loved my mother dearly before she died, and yet still admitted to my wife that having her a Continent away at all times kept it that way. She thought I was horrible to say that until I had my Mom over for a week to visit. She was smothering in her presence. My wife agrees now. She never understood that being put on a pedestal by parents is as bad a thing as being ignored and told you were stupid. Family obligations can be hard.
I will leave my post to you as a question. Since you can't bring your Dad back, and your Mom is not going to change, which way do you think you have a better shot at changing your fortunes if possible? Sober or not? Missing your Dad likely means that you smile when you think of him. That is his way of hanging around you now. Smile with what he still gives you.
I wish you peace. It can't be given, you have to take it for yourself.
Take peace. Work hard, AND take peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: World Citizen
Posts: 27
Thank you everyone, for the replies. They helped a lot.
I needed to express what is going on in my head, and I can't always do that at home - It's not fair on my wife as she is 'living the dream' with me 24/7 and my mom is hopeless at empathy.
My mom called me today, told me all her problems for five minutes, and then said 'anyway, enough about me, I'll call you later in the week' and promptly put the phone down. I give in.......
I suppose I am struggling with missing home or my life back in the States as well. We have a friend from Canada over so there's lots of happy memories of a better time being aired. Of course, regret is a totally useless emotion. You have to move on.
When I have talked about things with my wife, she says mostly what you guys do - you can't change the past but you can change the future.
I've been trying to focus on that Steve Jobs speech - the one where he says' be bold'. When I was younger I had no fear, but the older I get the more I feel paralysed by problems.
Went out both Friday and Saturday to restaurants where I used to drink and NO urges at all. Enjoyed the sobriety. So that is really positive.
Thanks for listening and replying. It did make a big difference.
I needed to express what is going on in my head, and I can't always do that at home - It's not fair on my wife as she is 'living the dream' with me 24/7 and my mom is hopeless at empathy.
My mom called me today, told me all her problems for five minutes, and then said 'anyway, enough about me, I'll call you later in the week' and promptly put the phone down. I give in.......
I suppose I am struggling with missing home or my life back in the States as well. We have a friend from Canada over so there's lots of happy memories of a better time being aired. Of course, regret is a totally useless emotion. You have to move on.
When I have talked about things with my wife, she says mostly what you guys do - you can't change the past but you can change the future.
I've been trying to focus on that Steve Jobs speech - the one where he says' be bold'. When I was younger I had no fear, but the older I get the more I feel paralysed by problems.
Went out both Friday and Saturday to restaurants where I used to drink and NO urges at all. Enjoyed the sobriety. So that is really positive.
Thanks for listening and replying. It did make a big difference.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: florida
Posts: 207
Tiger 1 - man, I can totally relate to you.. I have 42 days and am at a low point. I am trying to stick to my regimen of meetings, starting the steps (again) , talking to my sponsor, and reaching out to fellow addicts. best of luck..
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