bozboz

Tomorrow marks my first thirty days. Tonight I picked my boyfriend up from a bar, after one of his drunk friends called me to come and get him. I found him in a bunch of bushes, got out of my car, pulled him in it, and he continued to throw up every where, the whole way home. I don't feel the way I used to about him, and after tonight, it seems like a joke. I wanted to break up with him right as I was dropping him off, but I'm sure with as drunk as he is, he wouldn't remember me doing so. Everyone says not to make big decisions while in recovery, but I don't see how I can let this continue. Any advice is appreciated.

Ghostly

This may go contrary to what a lot of people would say...

Life happens even in early recovery and sometimes big decisions have to be made. This may be one of those decisions. I'm not telling you to do something either way, but suggesting you may not be able to avoid dealing with this. Though it sounds like staying in that situation could be more dangerous to your sobriety than getting out.

Good luck and congrats on the sober time.

pikkle69

Yeah, I'm not sure how well that would work if you're in recovery and he's continuing to drink. I live with my fiance, we've both been alcoholics since we met and when I decided to stop drinking I informed her that I would not be successful if she continued while I was trying to recover. She has been very supportive and strong and has not been drinking either. It's only been 17 days but this is the longest either of us has been sober in 15 years. I just know though that if she were to come home with a bottle of wine tomorrow, I would most likely fall back into it. If he can't commit to your recovery, then I would find people that are more supportive, if you're going to be successful that is.

ACT10Npack

If it's a real issue with you with this drinking then you should talk about it with him. If you both are not on the same page then it's up to you if you want tone with him or not. Better of breaking it off with him when your dating then 20 years later when your married and 3 kids.

Dee74

I generally counsel people to wait - like I've said a few times this week, I was a very different person at 90 days than I was at day one...

I'm glad I waited on a few changes I wanted to make until I knew who sober me was, y'know?

I'd probably talk with your partner first and lay your cards on the table about his behaviour.

But all that being said, some changes are necessary for our well-being, and if you decide this is one of them, noone here can argue with that....

just make sure you're ready for any emotional fallout whatever you do - stuff like this is hard for anyone at anytime.

D

InParticular

Watching your partner get ****faced and puke everywhere is not what you need to see while you're trying to recover from alcoholism. And not cool of him to put you in that position. Just sayin'.

pikkle69

Concur wholeheartedly.

Ghostly

x2

least

I think if I were in your position I'd also feel as you do.

Congrats on your thirty days sober!

ACT10Npack

Think of it this way. At least your on the other side of the viewing picture. You should be at least feeling good that your not the only throwing up and passing out from drinking.

XbrenbrenX

i agree with Dee. I'm an AA guy and i do believe that no major decisions should be made too early.

Al-Anon talks about the division line between yourself in recovery and those around you still active. If we are on firm spiritual ground, then we can handle those situations.

So your decision might be one of "am i strong enough to be an example to my partner, not harping, not prodding, but an example through my actions, or am i on shaky ground." just because you are 30 days sober does not necessarily mean that you are on shaky ground, but only you can know that.

Now, that does NOT mean that you are there to enable his behavior. I would caution against picking him up from the bar, buying him booze, letting him sleep in the bed if he's drunk, etc. That's part of setting an example.

One of my rules is no booze in the house. That protects me, but also makes it slightly less comfortable for the people in my life to drink around me.

hope that helps

PaleMale

Perhaps it would have helped him more, to wake up in the bushes in a pool of his own vomit. That's pretty "bottom like".

Early recovery is full of major decisions. Some actions are obvious, and primary of these is to avoid drinkers, drunks, drinking establishments, drinking parties, clearing the home of booze, and avoiding exceptionally stressful situations that can lead us to try to drink to try to escape the resultant anxiety. This last one is where the colloquial advice to avoid big decisions comes in.

The less obvious or complicated situations can be where a sponsor comes in (if you are using the AA program), to simply get an another alcoholic's perspective before possibly acting rashly.

Best wishes.

wellnowwhat

Now, that does NOT mean that you are there to enable his behavior. I would caution against picking him up from the bar, buying him booze, letting him sleep in the bed if he's drunk, etc. That's part of setting an example.

Yup. Time for some healthy boundries. If you do stay with your ABF, maybe go to an Alanon meeting or two, it can help you figure out your boundries and more. There are lots in those rooms that identify as double winners: AA (alcoholic) & Alanon (someone affected by another's drinking).

Feeblemind

Well, i'll preface this by saying everyone's life and situation is their own

I can only say what I would do. First the no big changes in the first year is in place for a good reason, but it's meant for dealing with self sabotage and staying away from stressers that could make us relapse. i know myself ,honestly i would keep him around under the pretence of not wanting to shake things up so i wont relapse over things like lonliness and such, but really i would use the situation as a rationalization to drink, due to unbearable stress caused by it. i would be honest when caught since the boyfriend creates a sence of plausible denyablility about how i couldn't "handle". my sponcer, family and councilers would be understanding and it would let me drink or use for a little longer.
In short if i am to be faithful to myself i have no choice but to detatch and consentrate on my issues of why i drink to have any hope of staying clean

wish you luck with this. hope my point of view helps a little

onlythetruth

Well, I certainly don't say "don't make big decisions while in recovery" (so there goes your "everyone says....."!). Life demands decisions sometimes, and being "in recovery", even in early recovery, doesn't exempt any us from that reality!

For heaven's sake, a person who is a puking, obnoxious, blackout drinker is NOT relationship material for anyone, whether they are "in recovery" or not. This is a no-brainer. No need for hand-wringing. Break up with him.

bozboz

I appreciate everyones comments. I took pause last night and thought everything through. I have been contemplating this for awhile now, and I do believe the best thing is for me to break up with him.
I will admit, strangely enough, when I am around him and he is in his drunken state, I do not have the desire to drink. It's quite the opposite.
I find myself repulsed by him, his actions, his demeanor, and he wreaks of alcohol everytime I see him.
We have been together for a little less than a year, and fortunately, we do not live together. He has been one of my best friends for 5 years, but I've noticed over the past 30 days, that there are many of my close friends who are in fact not a friend to me at all if I am not going along with the habitual drinking.
When I was thinking about it last night, I realized that it is not breaking up with him that is upsetting me. It is him. He refuses to quit, and I can't subject myself to that. I deserve better than a man who surrounds himself in beer cans, and who can not function without alcohol.
I'm making the right decision, and I am positve about that.
Thanks again for the advice.

~Bozboz

pikkle69

I'm staying away from all of my old crowd. Yeah, I feel bad in a way because it's not their fault but peer pressure is a hell of a thing. When the time is right, I will tell them why and hope that if they're true friends, they'll support me. If not, I definitely made the correct choice and I'm sure you will too.

Itchy

On edit: Boz you posted while I was in the composing screen! Good for you!

boz,
You have gotten all good advice here. I don't have any for you because you already made a decision haven't you? Before you act on your decision do go to a few Alanon meetings face to face. And you will find others with alcoholic others in their lives and some who are dealing with just the memories of them for years. You dropped him off so apparently you aren't living together. Start thinking of yourself as a sober non-drinker more and get help with having a drunk in your life before you deal with dumping one from your life. Go slow and it will work out with a little bit of thinking things all the way through for yourself.

SamanthaIam

bozboz,
like you, I also feel annoyed and repulsed by my husband when he is drinking.

I feel I don't want to make a BIG decision like leaving him while I am so new to sobriety, but I have made the smaller decision to set boundaries like: I don't have to be around him when he is drinking. I can go do something else when he is drinking, and I don't have to feel guilty in the slightest for taking care of myself.

bozboz

Good morning, Pikkle69!

When I first decided to become sober, I was in the closet about it. After two weeks of trying to avoid everyone, it became frustrating to make up excuses as to why I would not be going out.
I found out who my true friends were very quickly, and surprisingly, it happened to be a lot more than I thought.
I'm very greatful to have found SR. The people here are amazing with the best advice and good intentions. Everyday that goes by, I get a little more clear, feel better than I have since I was about 16 or 17 years old.
I'm glad you found this site too. It's such an amazing support group.