Tigger41

Had a friend and his daughter over tonight. My wife went with my eldest daughter to a make uP party. I stayed home and we had pizza. He asked me to join him in a beer and I sad no thanks. He said why. I said I'm just not drinking. He said why? I said I was drinking too much. We then had a 30 min conversation his side: I'm fine and he never saw an issue with my drinking my side: I drank too much and it's actually been quite hard not to drink, that I had headaches for a few dye etc. That I'm happy not drinking.

He actually pushed it a bit asking if I was reading a bit too much into this.


Ok - I honestly need to know. Are there people out there who say they have a drinking problem to get attention? That's what he made it sound like but I really dint think that's me. It's been hard this past week I was drinking EVERY night. Even told him so. I finally changed the subject even if I wanted to drink I've been religiously been taking my Antabuse so I wouldn't be able to drink until Sunday night even if i wanted to.

Anyway - thanks fir letting me vent. My significant other knows I've stopped drinking for a bit but I haven't told her all the drinking i had been doing so for now I'm still kind of on my own with this she supports me not drinking but doesn't know how much I was really doing. And now her Dad is being evicted from his house with his addict GF so now is not (honestly) the time to bear my soul. Thanks for listening.

Anna

I think sometimes people feel threatened in their own drinking, when someone tells them they are not drinking.

For me, I didn't want to have any conversations like you did so I didn't tell anyone. I just did it. I felt too vulnerable to be trying to explain my position. Also, I felt that recovery was a very personal thing.

quitforme79

Maybe he thinks he should slow it down or stop as well? When I quit smoking awhile back my friends who were still smoking offered me cigarette upon cigarette...it's like they don't want to be on the sinking ship alone...just a thought. You're doing great, keep it up

Tigger41

Thanks and yes I think I'm going to keep it to myself. From now on a have a "headache" because I didn't care what people thought when I was drinking. Why should I care now that I'm not.

Thanks fir writing back

Gerbosko

Alcoholics hide their drinking problems VERY well. Your friend was not over at your house 24 / 7 and when he walks into your house, he doesn't know what's been going on. I hid my problem extremely well from my co-workers and a few other people, but I didn't think I was an alcoholic of course - I just liked to have a few beers and pass out.

Your friend needs to take you seriously and the pressure needs to stop. You made a decision and you're sticking to it - If he was a friend, he'd be supportive of you instead of being a knob and telling you to drink.

I too was a daily drinker, you've made the best decision of your life. Please do not let anyone effect your decision, brush it off and move forward. If he keeps pressing the alcohol issue, I would probably re-consider the friendship or at least tell him to stop trying to get you to drink because it won't happen and that's that.

suki44883

I agree that some people are uncomfortable when a friend quits drinking because it kind of forces them to look at their own drinking habits. Too, some people just do not understand alcoholism. They honestly believe that alcoholics all live on the street and drink wine out of a bottle in a brown paper wrapper. They don't realize that many executives in multi-million dollar companies are alcoholics. Alcoholism does not discriminate and crosses all social barriers. Many people do not know this.

Congratulations on your decision to quit. It will be one of the best decisions you will ever make.

Pigtails

Hi Tigger,

This happens to me all the time, and my crazy brain starts believing other people that I don't have a drinking problem.

But I think the nature of the disease is to lie and hide itself well, even from ourselves, and from the outside world, so it's not really our friends' fault if they are confused. I mean, whenever someone tells me I'm crazy to think I have a drinking problem, I think, "They weren't there when I did [insert very embarrassing thing that I regret] and I sure didn't tell them about it." Still, even when I've told some friends some of the negative effects it's had on me in an effort to get them to understand, they still revert back to, oh, that was a one-time event and I shouldn't be so hard on myself and everyone has done silly things while drunk etc.

Still, in my heart of hearts I know that alcohol has made my life worse instead of better, it affects me negatively, and that is no one else's decision or judgment to make except mine. If I straightforwardly tell a friend that and they still don't support me, then I don't know what their problem is but I can't make it mine. Maybe they are embarrassed to have a friend who has a drinking problem. Maybe they are scared it means they have a drinking problem. Maybe they don't understand what it feels like to struggle with this, because they don't have the same problem and they can't relate. I don't know.

Bottom line, I have to be convinced enough for myself and whoever doubts me. For me I can't keep it to myself because people always ask me. Because I was known as the person who drinks (I THINK in a fun way, the person everyone else wants to drink with), and so now people just assume I am drinking and are shocked when I'm not. I am almost to the point of not giving a crap to the extent that I will just tell people, "I'm not drinking because I am an alcoholic and I am in recovery." (I'm beginning to think I haven't told people that because part of me doesn't want to stick to it/ be accountable to it). I'm not there yet but honestly I haven't found a way around saying "drinking has been doing negative things to my life so I am staying away from it," which is as close to the truth as I can get without coming out with the A-word! But it hasn't always worked for me because I'm weak and it has led to my relapse when people have said, "Oh come on, what is one or two going to hurt?" and I say "Okay you're right." So I am not sure what the answer is other than hiding at home and never being around people, which is unrealistic.

Dee74

Some of my 'friends' were definitely threatened because it made them look at their own drinking...others were annoyed that they lost an on call drinking buddy.

They rather I'd kept drinking - for their benefit not mine.

My real friends supported me

D
D

LaFemme

This is why I don't typically talk about my sobriety and when it comes up I make light of it and change the topic. I have no interest in debating the subject with people who either never saw me at my worst so don't know how bad it got or they were cohorts in my worst behavior and don't want to examine their own relationship with alcohol.

It sounds like you know that sobriety is best so try not to let what others think effect you.

Congrats on resisting your friend

Linz

I have heard that I cannot, absolutely no way in hell, be an alcoholic because:
1. I am 25 years old,
2. I am a female
3. I haven't deteriorated enough

Those three things exactly.
I believe, that about ninety percent of the time, people are not aware of what is coming out of their mouths. It's just a hole that opens, sound makes it's way out...

WritingFool

Hahahaaaa... I agree completely.

Frisky

My friend quit smoking and yet I still tried to tempt him into having a cigarette. Horrible thing for me to do, and thankfully he said no. (And now he's my rock whilst I'm quitting drink.)

It feels to me that others don't feel like it's as much fun if they have to indulge on their own. There's no fun stepping outside for a smoke alone, and it probably doesn't feel as good to drink when the other person isn't.

Could lead to good things though, you could hang out with the guy and build a different kind of relationship with him rather than one that revolves around drink. Who knows, just a thought.

Keep on going! You're doing fab

5a5

i find people who care about more what's in ur cup than their own stupid, what do they care u know? what difference does it make to someone else besides me if im holding a beer or tea?

michelle01

Agreeing with all the above. Also, I think it's difficult for someone who doesn't have that much of a problem to understand why it isn't possible to just scale back - I remember before I really started drinking a lot looking at other people who were pretty out of it, and thinking to myself why don't they just stop before they get to that stage? It made no sense to me. There isn't much point in trying to make them understand, I refuse to explain myself anymore and don't feel anyone should have to. If they really persist, it could be that they themselves have an issue that they haven't faced up to yet.

onlythetruth

I have never, in my life, understood why it is that some people fight back at OUR decisions to quit drinking. It's obvious that in some cases, discomfort about their own drinking is behind their criticism. But not always, and in those situations I'm absolutely at a loss. Maybe they don't want to see us differently. I do not know.

But yes, that did happen to me when I quit; in fact one woman outright said to me: "Listen, I KNOW what an alcoholic is, and YOU ARE NOT an alcoholic." This was a woman from my gym, who had absolutely no personal knowledge of me, my background, my life, or even my drinking habits. Yet she was 100% certain she could "undiagnose" me....and she was amazed when my response was to chuckle and walk away.

Anyway, the important thing here is not to take these folks seriously. They have their reasons, I suppose, for reacting as they do, but those reasons are really unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

soberlicious

I too thinks it's funny that anyone would want to dissuade another from a decision to quit drinking. It's absolutely ridiculous. When you really look at it and see it as the idiocy it is, then you can give it the weight it deserves....which is none.

Threshold

I think that alcoholism is considered a weakness of mind by most people. And unless they've seen us completely wasted sloppy drunk on a regular basis, unless our lives have been shot to he** or we have a DUI, they truly think that we can't be all that bad.

No one wants to think their friend is weak, etc. And they think they are complimenting us by saying that we are not that bad, etc.

People with any sort of mood disorder or mental problem tend to get the same sort of response "come on, it's not that bad, lets go out and have a little fun, Why are you letting things get to you" etc.

Most of them truly mean well, they just don't get it. If they don't have the same problem they truly don't understand. They don't know the difference between getting drunk once in a while and depending on alcohol to function. They don't understand that clinical depression is not a case of the blues. They truly hope that positive thinking and encouragement will be enough to make it go away.

BigJim

I have the same problem. People must figure you're only drinking when you're with them and don't realize that you are also drinking when you are with anyone else, or when you're alone. Of course nobody thinks you're an alcoholic if they see you drinking at a party or a sporting event, that's totally normal right? If they knew you start drinking the minute you wake up in the morning, maybe they'd understand. Or maybe THEY start drinking first thing in the morning and think they know more about it than you do. People assume that if you're functional, then you aren't an alcoholic. What they don't understand is that alcohol was required to maintain that functionality. They prefer us when we're drinking because we're more fun than when we're sober and clear minded. They like to have someone else around making a jack ass of themselves to help justify their own behavior. I think a lot of my drinking friends liked me drinking because I was always the drunkest and it made them feel like they weren't so bad. I know this because we used to have a friend that was worse than me, but he straightened up and moved away and I moved into the top spot. Now I wonder who will be taking my place, and what I can do to help them. Good luck and stay strong, your true friends will support your decision.

belle08

I get the same thing. And it does make me question if I'm really "that bad". I know in my case that alot of my friends are big drinkers so maybe they don't like the fact that one of us is changing. I was always around to party with. Also, some just didn't know just how bad it is. One of my best friends had no idea -- she would go home and didn't know I'd sit up drinking all night and alot of times pop open a beer first thing in the morning. Plus I was a binge drinker - and like some have said - some thing you are only an alkie if you drink every day or drink the hard stuff.

north

The one friend who objected the most - and insisted I did not have a drinking problem - was someone who had a drinking problem himself. He took it personally and would make biting sniping remarks - but they were so offensive in nature that others were puzzled and it was obvious he had issues of his own.

That was two years ago, and he's found that he can no longer drink in the manner he once prided himself - without the consequences the next day. He's now a lot less vocal with his offensive objections and comments. However, since alcohol addiction isn't necessarily a logical nor empathetic condition, he'll still over-drink to massive levels when 'the spirit takes him' so to speak.

Most friends who have observed the physical changes (for the better) in me since I quit - are completely supportive. I am sure some - as they look at their beer bellies - are wondering whether they might do the same - even if they might not have a 'drinking problem' as I did. Alcohol with its empty calories and its tendency to discourage healthy living habits - negatively effects a lot more people than just us alkies.