Pigtails

Hi everyone. Just wanted to say I'm back (I've been reading but not posting), a bit ashamed that I drank over Halloween. So then I drank at a work function the following weekend (last weekend) and now I'm back on Day 5 again.

I had a big depressive slump because it felt like one moment I was on top of the world happy about not drinking and determined not to drink and then the next minute my brain is telling me it's okay to drink on special occassions or on the weekends... and then I'm feeling like a turd for letting myself down.

Nothing bad happened for me either time that I drank; it's just not who I want to be. I want to get to know myself without drinking. I just get so confused at all the voices in my head. How can the same "me" realize I have a problem and really want to fix it, and then convince myself that I'm not that bad, that I just like to have fun, etc.?

The most convincing argument my confusing/confused alcoholic mind gave me recently was that I don't have a problem with alcohol, my boyfriend has a problem, and I am being too hard on myself and making myself suffer because of his problem. But when my logical brain caught up with my twisted-logic brain, I reminded myself that I was beginning to think, and thinking, that I had a problem long before I even met my boyfriend. And if anything it has gotten much better instead of worse.

My mind will come up with any excuse-- at first it was, you're lonely and single and it's okay to go out and have fun and meet people, which is easier with alcohol, and now it is blame it on the boyfriend! WTH. I am so sick of living in my head. I just get depressed that it feels like I have this life-long problem I have to deal with all the time... I just want to be normal. But I'm so not. Now I'm just telling myself I'm not going to drink and focusing on recovery but I feel afraid to count days or tell myself this is it this time because I've let myself down in the past. I was so sure and now I feel like I can't rely on myself. Thanks everyone for listening and for being here. I am sorry I didn't stay strong. :-/

TimFoot

Pigtails, I am only on day 7 so am in no position to come off as the voice of experience, but I just wanted you to know that you have nothing to be ashamed of and I am sure your behavior is nothing different than most on this group. Again, I don't have a lot of experience but I don't think anyone will tell you to beat yourself up about slipping, just get back on the horse and keep riding!

Pigtails

Thank you. It was very encouraging of me to read this. I know no one will beat me up but I am just so disappointed with myself. I am sick of telling myself I want something, and then not doing what it takes to get there.

bozboz

Hey Pigtails. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. You made a slip, but you are back on track again. I, (like TF) am in no position to be the voice of experience, but in my opinion, the important thing is that you are back here, and not boozing it up. I've lost count of the times I have slipped up. Do not feel ashamed of yourself. You (from what I have read in your posts) are a good person. Don't beat yourself up over this. We live in learn. Glad your back!

Itchy

Well you aren't wrong about relapsing being something to be disappointed in yourself about. It certainly isn't something to be encouraged at all. So now you acknowledge it and now you just get over it and press on.

But I hear you saying that you want to drink but know you can't stop at one. So you stay sober long enough to feel a little better and then go back.

You haven't decided to quit for life and for good yet. And until you do you will yo yo back and forth.

Have you done an in hospital detox? Attended any AA meetings yet? Talked to your doctor? Gotten into and through a rehab program? Talked to a counselor about your drinking?

Because from what you say you are doing this alone and the same things over and over and wondering why you are getting the same results. What are you going to add to your program or do differently. You see I submit to you that the cycle is comfortable for you. It is comforting to think that when it gets tough you can relapse and then quit again.

I did all of those, and some not so much anymore after a year sober. Now I just come back here and go to my AA group once a month to check in with them and let them know I am still doing terrific in my sobriety. My life isn't ideal, but it sure beats the life of a drunk stuck at home most of the time because I couldn't pass a sobriety test if I drove. Waking up every morning feeling great and no hangover is sure better. And having my head clear all the time is making a big difference in my work around the place now. Excitement? Oh I can have all I want now but prefer the serenity of a cool breeze and the sun in my face with my two pups running in the back field and trails.

So what is it that you really want? Can you have it drinking? If not then start working toward it whatever it is to a degree that you won't have the time or money for drinking. It really is that simple you know. Yeah not giving in to drinking is tough at first. Until you decide that you won't. Not can't. Won't. Not ever. Not even if you could. I don't want to be altered in my ability to feel any more. I want to live it real. The highs are real and the lows are too. Life.

LoftyIdeals

Hi Pigtails...I've been following your posts since yesterday, and am glad you are posting. You are an articulate, thoughtful writer, and I enjoy reading your posts.

I am glad you shared about your relapses. I agree with Itchy, and heard this week at an AA meeting that "relapses aren't part of recovery, they are part of drinking". At first I thought this sounded harsh, but, upon reflection, it just sounded true. I don't share that with judgment, but with compassion. My own start has been riddled with setbacks. I started with a month in March, then drank until June for a while, then July for a while, and my last drink was August 6th. Now at 98 days, I can honestly say that I'm seeing real differences in my life that I haven't experienced for over a quarter century.

My point is that I hope you will forgive yourself and move forward in sobriety. It's rewarding. I also read your post about the business decisions you face. After reading both posts, I'd suggest you become stronger in your decision about sobriety before facing that big decision. I am self-employed for over 5 yrs now, and have been very challenged by my drinking. I've done okay, but have not done nearly as well as I would have sober, and my struggles were multiplied and amplified by my drinking over the last five years.

Riding the fence on the joys and woes of alcohol is natural. For the most part, it has left me, but I still occasionally find myself "romancing the stoned". Now, I try to avoid thinking or conversing about the good memories of it, as that is just part of the cunning, baffling relationship I have with alcohol. Instead, I recall that such romanticizing is the luxury of normal drinkers, which I am not.

I hope this helps, and I'm glad you are back with us!

doggonecarl

Pigtails, you've been kind enough to let me share my thoughts with you, I won't repeat them here. But I'm glad you've come back to the forum. It's never easy to face your dissapointment, but it is a needed step on the road to recovery. Hope we can provide some strength and solice.

Good luck.

DryBlanket49

Hey pigtails, there is nothing wrong with you. Just don't let the stinking thinking get the best of you. Its been 4 months for me and there are times when the stinking thinking comes up telling me just what you said. It's okay if I have just one or two beers. It doesn't have to lead down the same road as before. So not true!! If it's hard counting the days then don't count. Live in the moment. Live in the minute. Be proud of yourself with each tic of the clock that you don't drink. Keep building on the positive. You are a good person with a terrible diease. A diease that will be with you and well as me and many others, for the rest of your/our life. A diease that we can handle and function with, proudly!! Not always easy, but can and will be done.

soberlicious

Wow. I love the way this is worded, Itchy. This is exactly how I feel. The part I bolded is a huge paradigm shift....that shift changed my life forever. Thanks for describing this so eloquently.

Pigtails

Hi everyone and thanks for all the support. Just checking in to say I'm doing well. Today was Day 7 - I guess I'm into Day 8 now as it's after midnight here. I had a sober weekend that was relaxing. I feel different/good about sobriety so far. Last night we had some friends over and they were drinking and I alternated between wanting a drink to forgetting all about drinking, it was weird. I kept wondering if I was anti-social or lame but I eventually decided I didn't really care, as long as I was sober. After our friends left I wrote for awhile and didn't even think about drinking. Later I was glad I hadn't had anything to drink so that I could have a clear mind and be productive. Today I went shopping with a good friend and did some work even though it's Sunday.

I feel ready to grow up. Ready to get on with a better life. When I was shopping I saw a cute clutch and automatically thought about bringing it to a club, and was momentarily sad about not drinking, or wondering if I could really do this, but then I thought, yes, I am done with the club scene and ready to move away from all of that. I would like to have a fun time dancing or going to dinner without drinking. But right now I am mainly being a hermit, doing a lot of recovery reading and trying to relax and be good to myself. The shopping spree helped that goal.

Thanks again for the encouragement- I read on my Tablet even though I can't really type much on it, and then when I am online on a regular laptop I post. So I appreciate reading everyone's advice and support. Itchy I have been thinking about going back to therapy but it depends on my insurance situation. And I've been thinking about going back to AA but I don't know that it's for me. So that leaves looking into secular recovery options, and for now just not drinking no matter what and doing recovery reading/thinking, and coming here to SR.

Pigtails

Today I set up an appointment with a new therapist (my old one moved away and I thought I was done with therpay/"cured," but maybe I was just beginning, because at the last therapy meeting is when I brought my troubling drinking issues up to my therapist).

I also texted a woman I had met at AA last time I went. At that meeting I bawled my eyes out and she gave me her number and I called her. When I didn't return to AA she texted me and asked me how I was doing and we went to lunch together. I was drinking again at the time and told her I am not sure AA is for me. I was honest with her and told her AA felt overwhelming and cult-like and I wasn't sure if I was an alcoholic or not. She said she understood, and thanked me for reminding her what those feelings felt like at one time. She was really cool. Today she texted me back that she hadn't forgotten about me. It was over four months ago that we had had lunch together (based on the last texts between us in my phone). It is so nice of her to still care. She tried to call me but I was slammed with work and said I would call her tonight. So I am going to do that now on my way home from work.

I feel like I am making some positive steps to stay sober. I feel happy and healthier. I do worry that this is just like the last time I felt "up" and that I will come crashing down again and fail. I am trying my best to think positively and stay in the moment.

I worked very hard today at work and am trying to give it my all while I'm still here (I had another thread about possibly making a career change), and also to take advantage of my good health insurance benefits. I haven't been using them because I was afraid that if I started my own business and need to buy my own insurance, I would be tagged with pre-existing conditions. But the silly thing Ir ealized is that I have already been treated so that will already be the case... I might as well get back into treatment while I still have the good insurance. Tomorrow I am going to call the sleep disorder center my primary care physician referred me to (where I've been before), for my sleep disorder that is caused by anxiety. So my plan for now is to put my sobriety first and avail myself of the help I have available to me-- counseling, sober friends, maybe AA, SR and recovery reading-- and try to do my best at work and not let my mind wander off to "what I'd rather be doing" - but at the same time, keeping in mind that I have a plan for a different way to do my career which I think will make me even happier. But first I want to be as happy/healthy as possible in the here and now before I make a huge change. (I think. I change my mind about this every other minute).

Thanks again everyone for reading.

goldiilocks

I can relate to this battle you are talking about in your head sooo closely. I go through that all the time as well, usually for me it seems like once I get everything on track again I somehow convince myself that I didnt have a problem and my mind finds a way to make it okay for me to drink. Don't feel bad, I'm back on day one myself... Just know you are not alone.

simplex

Hey tails,

I know what you mean about being in your own head and it feeling exhausting. I get into trouble if I start trying to divide my brain into different labels. Somehow ordering their importance based on supposed logical strength. Because sometimes what in my mind seems completely logical and rational is not upon objective scrutiny. I can find this out either by waiting a day or two and revisiting the same subject (often times I will have been thinking through pure emotion at the time) and see that I was misguided in my motives or wants/needs. Or I can talk to other people who have similar experiences and check my logic with them to gain outside input. That to me is where A.A comes in. By talking about what you're thinking concerning drinking, it brings it out into the light of open reason. Often you'll see the confusion in your thinking just by talking about it, and other people will confirm that they've thought the same thing/ had similar experiences. Then you can learn from their experiences instead of having to actually take another drink and start over.

It sounds like you're on the right path. Don't beat yourself up to much for some slips but make sure you learn from them so you can be better prepared the next time similar patterns of thinking come into play.

And I also know what you mean about being normal. Sometimes I get there too like, "wow I've always got to keep this in check." But the trick is to understand that thinking this way is worrying unnecessarily and fearing something that doesn't have to happen. Worrying accomplishes nothing. The more I hang in there and fight (which for me is letting go) the easier it gets. The doubts you have about failing again will recede each day you don't drink. You seem like a very smart person, but don't overwhelm yourself. Sobriety isn't easily won, but I'm confident you'll reach and maintain your sobriety. Best of luck this week

Pigtails

Yes, this is exactly how it works for me. I feel invincible and then I destroy myself again. :-( At least, that's how it's been in the past but I am determined to overcome it. I hope you can too! Good luck! Thanks for posting.

Pigtails

Thanks, I am trying to do these things you recommend sot aht things can change and I can stay sober this time. I am going to an AA meeting tonight and I set up an apointment with a new therapist (my old one moved away) for tomorrow night. I think if I keep sobriety my top priority and take active measures to keep my brain on that track, I will stay consistent. Thanks again!