my mother is a trigger
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: ventura california
Posts: 43
my mother is a trigger
My mother is a trigger. She has been sober for 12 years through AA. She goes to Al Anon too. I think she goes to two meetings a day or more. Her whole life is AA. She pushes it on me. Says 12 step is the only program that works. She gets a tone in her voice that is like fingernails on a chalkboard. AA didn't work for me, I cant say I really tried. Going to meetings with your mother is a bit messed up. Although she see;s no wrong in it. I live in a different town now so I don't have to do that. I am ten days sober today and very PMS. also a trigger.
She went off on me yesterday, because my last relapse she and my step dad got involved so I unleashed on them. Usually it is only my BF who gets my insanity rants. So now Ive hurt them, and now I need money from them to survive.
So I don't start my outpatient program until next week My mother wanted to know what I was going to do until then. And that even If I went to a private therapist they would tell me to go to a 12 step program.. Doesn't she know that she is the one that makes me not want to go. I have to look past her and focus on me. She is a big trigger but I have to just ignore her.
Well I am off to a meeting this morning, partly because of her, so I can say I went, and partly because I need a large group of sober people around me right now.
Ill check in later.
Have a safe Vetrans DAY
She went off on me yesterday, because my last relapse she and my step dad got involved so I unleashed on them. Usually it is only my BF who gets my insanity rants. So now Ive hurt them, and now I need money from them to survive.
So I don't start my outpatient program until next week My mother wanted to know what I was going to do until then. And that even If I went to a private therapist they would tell me to go to a 12 step program.. Doesn't she know that she is the one that makes me not want to go. I have to look past her and focus on me. She is a big trigger but I have to just ignore her.
Well I am off to a meeting this morning, partly because of her, so I can say I went, and partly because I need a large group of sober people around me right now.
Ill check in later.
Have a safe Vetrans DAY
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
Ventura 47,
Whoa. I can see where she would be a trigger too. But you know, it still is your decision to drink or not....and resentment can make not drinking very difficult if you let it.
Remember that she really just have your best interests at heart. I believe she honestly believes what she is saying, and unfortunately has developed a closed mind to the idea that AA doesn't work for everyone, or at least doesn't bring about the awakening that she has apparently enjoyed.
I think that you should follow what AA actually preaches: "To thine ownself be true". You are very early in sobriety, so don't let her actions/words sabotage you. Mom's have a way of doing that, that no one else has!
The money thing complicates things a little - I suspect that you feel like you have to do what she says so that she will "approve of you", thus will be willing to give you some financial support. I have been there. Not comfortable.
I am sure you have thought of this, but have you tried to talk with her when things are "calm"? (Timing is everything.) I don't think Alanon is working for her - she sounds super codependent to me.
So, I know I haven't given you a lot of useful advice. I just wanted to throw out my thoughts.
Don't let her push you over the edge - she loves you - she just doesn't know what she is doing (you need to tell her, if you haven't already). Take care.
Whoa. I can see where she would be a trigger too. But you know, it still is your decision to drink or not....and resentment can make not drinking very difficult if you let it.
Remember that she really just have your best interests at heart. I believe she honestly believes what she is saying, and unfortunately has developed a closed mind to the idea that AA doesn't work for everyone, or at least doesn't bring about the awakening that she has apparently enjoyed.
I think that you should follow what AA actually preaches: "To thine ownself be true". You are very early in sobriety, so don't let her actions/words sabotage you. Mom's have a way of doing that, that no one else has!
The money thing complicates things a little - I suspect that you feel like you have to do what she says so that she will "approve of you", thus will be willing to give you some financial support. I have been there. Not comfortable.
I am sure you have thought of this, but have you tried to talk with her when things are "calm"? (Timing is everything.) I don't think Alanon is working for her - she sounds super codependent to me.
So, I know I haven't given you a lot of useful advice. I just wanted to throw out my thoughts.
Don't let her push you over the edge - she loves you - she just doesn't know what she is doing (you need to tell her, if you haven't already). Take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Hi,
I think that since your mother is a trigger for you, it might be a good idea to detach somewhat, until you feel more secure in your recovery. I firmly believe no one can tell you what is the best or only way for you to recover. You need to do what is right for you.
I think that since your mother is a trigger for you, it might be a good idea to detach somewhat, until you feel more secure in your recovery. I firmly believe no one can tell you what is the best or only way for you to recover. You need to do what is right for you.
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
So don't go to AA. And don't see her for a while.
The bottom line is you need to recover. If AA leaves a bad taste in your mouth then do something else. Don't use your distrust of AA as an excuse not to recover.
You can do it
The bottom line is you need to recover. If AA leaves a bad taste in your mouth then do something else. Don't use your distrust of AA as an excuse not to recover.
You can do it
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 462
It seems like you're stamping your feet here, in the hope to be heard by your mother. That doesn't seem to be happening. I guess you have to ask yourself if that's ever really happened.
I know I have to put some action in around my family in accepting that they're never going to be there for me emotionally, maybe it's something similar for you?
Everyone's recovery is personal to them. Do what feels right for you. Stay safe xx
I know I have to put some action in around my family in accepting that they're never going to be there for me emotionally, maybe it's something similar for you?
Everyone's recovery is personal to them. Do what feels right for you. Stay safe xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: ventura california
Posts: 43
Thank you all for your insight. I just got back from the meeting and it was a 12 and 12 with step eight being the topic. Go figure. I listened very carefully and got alto out of it. It was nice being in a crowded room of sober alcoholics. I'm going to a womens meeting at nine this morning. I know this is helping me, even If I don't get a sponsor and do all the steps. The sharing really helps. And when I see my mother and step dad this weekend I will have some strength.
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