Relapse on purpose...
 

Hi everyone. Last night I relapsed after almost a month of sobriety. I kind of relapsed on purpose as weird as that might sound. I have generalized anxiety disorder and travel anxiety- my friend (and old drinking buddy) made reservations to visit Portland in a week and I have been very anxious about the trip. I have appeased my travel anxiety in the past with alcohol. The focus of my anxiety is the fear that I won't be able to sleep away from home (completely irrational I know, but it's a strong fear.) I've always just gotten drunk on vacations so I can pass out. This time though, I'm "supposed" to be sober. I rationalized my drinking last night by saying to myself, "well, I'll probably drink at least one night in Portland so I should go out and drink tonight just to see how it effects me." Weird anxiety thinking. So I went out with a friend, had fun for the first part of the night but noticed that all I wanted to do (as always) was keep drinking more and more beer. Oh, and did I mention that I had to be up for Jury Duty at 7am? We ended up staying out until almost 3. I drove home drunk and passed out. I woke up when my alarm went off at 7 and started crying because I was so tired, my head ached, and I was ashamed + there was no way that I could get myself to Jury Duty. I ended up calling and telling them I was sick and rescheduling. This is the first time I've flaked out on responsibilities in a long time.

Long story short...I'm very worried about Portland now. We're staying in a hostel with lots of other young people (I'm 25) and there are micro brewery's everywhere + I already told my friend that I'd be down to drink a little (which to me means drink until I pass out) while I'm there.

I'm scared and confused.

Any advice/ support would be greatly appreciated.

PS. I just took an 8 hour nap. My body is really not happy with my reckless drinking last night. :(

My advice is not to go to Portland.
You've already given yourself permission to drink there.

I also think you were very lucky with the driving, as was everyone else on the road. These forums are full of people who were not so lucky, GOS.

I think you need to do some serious thinking about what it is you want.
You sound a lot like old me - I wanted to drink and not have the consequences...I wanted to drink, but just a little.

If you're a drinker like me, you need to accept those things are just not possible.
D

For me many times there was a mismatch between what I thought I wanted and what I did. I guess we learn along the way, and get better at understanding what was happening.

In the end it all comes back to what you want and what you are prepared to do, or give up to get it.

"Scared and confused" is better than being sure sometimes.

It sounds like you're not ready to quit yet. You are only 25, you may need to go through a couple more decades of misery before you are (and I say this from personal experience).

Contrary to popular belief, every "relapse" is on purpose. Just sayin...

I just finished a week of jury duty (didn’t go today, veterans day), I was actually thinking that this is great, I would of been hung over in the past but I actually enjoyed it.

Anyway, man sounds like you want to quit, but it also sounds like you want to drink or think you need to?

In 9 days I will have 9 months and there are days drinking pops into my head, but I don’t have to act on it, if you want to quit you’re going to have to make a promise to yourself, to NEVER drink under any circumstances ever again.

I know plenty about relapsing but thankfully I know now that all these good people that say its better after you quit were telling the truth, it’s not an instant high like drinking but a much better high on life that takes a while to get. Come on, it’s time to get serious if you want to quit. Make that promise and stick to it.

I think it's great you recognize that you made the decision to drink.

As is said many times here.. it comes down, IME to wanting to quit more than wanting to drink. And for me a big thing was wanting to live a sober life (vs my many years of just wanting to not have negative experiences with alcohol).

You may decide you want a 'last hurrah' in Portland. I remember all my last hurrahs. Or you may take a leap of faith and trust that you'll be happier sober. I think all of us can attest that there are no half measures in sobriety.

A normal person when faced with certain insomnia would maybe talk to a doctor about getting a prescription for something. An alcoholic gets drunk. Alcoholics see alcohol as the solution to everything!!

:hug:

I am sorry to hear that you relapsed, but "it takes what it takes". I wouldn't go to Portland....it sounds like a set up to me. Why don't you make last night the last hurrah?

For insomnia I pop a couple of Benadryl. It knocks me out, and I actually sleep soundly. When I used to drink and pass out I would wake up tired, because it is not really restful sleep.

C'mon.....do yourself a favor and quit while you are ahead.

I agree with Dee, I would skip out on Portland. You have to decide what's most important to you.

Hmm... I'm not so sure about this advice... I was 25 when I quit 7 months ago and I went through plenty of misery, and certainly didn't need anyone telling me to keep drinking.


If you want to stay sober you have to make decisions that will keep you sober. I agree with the others, don't go to Portland.

How much do you really what to stay sober?

Really deep down inside your gut wanting to
stay sober?

Do you really want to stop the insanity that
goes hand and hand with drinking?


Search your soul and if you really want to
not drink just for today, taking it a day at
a time not drinking it can be done as you
will see so many before you have done it.

I couldnt stop drinking on my own and felt
like a failure so so many times before. It
took a family intervention to get me help
i desperately needed at that time in my life.

With a 28 day stay in rehab along with a 6
week outpatiant aftercare program tact on
and a program of steps and principles set
in place to live by each day I have remained
sober since August 11, 1990.

That in itself is a gift. GIFT given and recieved
with gratefulness because there is no way in
this world i could and would stay sober all by
myself.

SSIL you have no idea how much that helped me today. Because everytime I relapsed and attempted AA it was because I wanted to drink without all the negative experiences. I truly quit when I saw how much better my life was sober...

I agree that you have some hard decisions to make. I wouldn't go to Portland if I were you.

And, ask yourself if you are ready to stop drinking. I hope you are.

I'm going to agree with Stugotz. Though I know how it feels, I'm familiar with that thinking in early recovery, you think you've 'planned' a relapse 'on purpose' to try something out. But I think it's always a rationalization/justification on some level and doesn't end up proving any points.

When I got sober it had to be first priority, and come before everything else, no exceptions. That sometimes meant a few inconveniences... but nothing so drastic the sky would cave in. If you are feeling vulnerable enough to post it here, I'd put off a tempting situation for now. It may be possible to face it when you are feeling more established in recovery.

Thanks for your input everyone. You are all so right. The problem right now is that my friend and I have plane reservations and hostel reservations for Portland. I've been talking to my therapist about my plan for the trip. I have a prescription sleep aide that I can take if need be. I know I am setting myself up for drinking by going to Portland but I really don't see much way out and I really do want to go. I even have a meeting set up with the MSW program at Portland State where I am planning on going for my Masters. I have yet to even visit the city where I might be moving in a year.

Right now I am going to work on a way to have a sober and healthy trip.