catch 22
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 181
catch 22
25 days of being alcohol free
a lot of my drinking is the result of loneliness and not having a strong social support network
my buddy hits me up and asks me if i wanna go out tonight
i want to interact but do not want to compromise my sobriety
a lot of my drinking is the result of loneliness and not having a strong social support network
my buddy hits me up and asks me if i wanna go out tonight
i want to interact but do not want to compromise my sobriety
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,707
That's a tough one sb. Is your buddy the type of guy who will grab a coffee and movie with you? Or is he a strictly out to the pub type of dude? I know this is such a weird time, I'm going through it too. You want to go out but are not sure what to do. Heading to a bar is so easy and simple, not much planning involved. I have to say I've been biting the bullet and staying in most nights. Get my ya yas out during the day doing healthy stuff, and go to bed early. I know it's kind of lame but it's early days and you gotta do what you gotta do to stay sober, and my body and mind is THANKING me for all the extra relax and sleep time I'm giving it. The social stuff will come in time, I think, when it all starts to feel more natural.
Maybe go for a nice dinner and head home after? Baby steps!
Maybe go for a nice dinner and head home after? Baby steps!
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Yeah, thats the thing right there, right?
We wanna not drink, but we also want to get on with our lives. When sobriety starts to take a back seat, things start to fall apart has always been my experience.
I've gone out with friends while they drank, and I didn't, and it kinda blows for everyone, you know? Not much to do really, except change things up, so I changed, and eventually being asked to go out for some good times while others drank stopped.
It really just became dumb and pointless. And boring.
I guess only you know whats working for you really, so if you can't stay sober while your friends drink in front of you, you already know the answer.
If they want to do something other than drink, well that speaks for itself.
In any case, sooner or later you'll have to face what being sober means to you, same as any of us, to know yourself what action to take in these situations.
I hope things work out for you, and congrats on the 25 days. Awesome.
We wanna not drink, but we also want to get on with our lives. When sobriety starts to take a back seat, things start to fall apart has always been my experience.
I've gone out with friends while they drank, and I didn't, and it kinda blows for everyone, you know? Not much to do really, except change things up, so I changed, and eventually being asked to go out for some good times while others drank stopped.
It really just became dumb and pointless. And boring.
I guess only you know whats working for you really, so if you can't stay sober while your friends drink in front of you, you already know the answer.
If they want to do something other than drink, well that speaks for itself.
In any case, sooner or later you'll have to face what being sober means to you, same as any of us, to know yourself what action to take in these situations.
I hope things work out for you, and congrats on the 25 days. Awesome.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Soberah,
Do you have any support network besides this forum? I have AA meetings and if I weren't going to AA meetings I would find some other recovery support group to hang out with. Lay it on the line you are lonely and need to interact with people, sober people who understand what you are going through.
As for going out tonight, can't advise you on that one. As other posters have asked what kind of friend/s are they would depend on if I went out with them or not.
Hang in there
CaiHong
Do you have any support network besides this forum? I have AA meetings and if I weren't going to AA meetings I would find some other recovery support group to hang out with. Lay it on the line you are lonely and need to interact with people, sober people who understand what you are going through.
As for going out tonight, can't advise you on that one. As other posters have asked what kind of friend/s are they would depend on if I went out with them or not.
Hang in there
CaiHong
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
It is a tough one 'brah - but like Robby says, you'd already know what they have in mind.
I tried living my old life and just not drinking - it didn't work for me - I was either unhappy and felt like I was missing something, like I was outside the group...or others were put off by my being there and not drinking....and I felt ostracised
Either way, inevitably, I would drink again.
If you're determined to hang out with the old crew, I'd give yourself some time...I couldn't be around people socially again until I knew I was 100% committed to total sobriety, no matter what might happen.
Generally, if you're wondering if it's a good idea - it's probably not.
Sounds like it might be a little too soon?
Have you got any other friends who'd be up for a coffee and a movie?
D
I tried living my old life and just not drinking - it didn't work for me - I was either unhappy and felt like I was missing something, like I was outside the group...or others were put off by my being there and not drinking....and I felt ostracised
Either way, inevitably, I would drink again.
If you're determined to hang out with the old crew, I'd give yourself some time...I couldn't be around people socially again until I knew I was 100% committed to total sobriety, no matter what might happen.
Generally, if you're wondering if it's a good idea - it's probably not.
Sounds like it might be a little too soon?
Have you got any other friends who'd be up for a coffee and a movie?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,445
I think that a lot of change is required in early recovery, and that includes some activities and people in our lives.
As others have said, if your friends will go for coffee that would be great. If not, then maybe you need to reconsider and make some changes.
As others have said, if your friends will go for coffee that would be great. If not, then maybe you need to reconsider and make some changes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Trans Pecos, TX
Posts: 74
Hey S: Does your bud know of your efforts? Frankly, I grapple with this. Until this forum, I never openly admitted my problem to anyone (although anyone with 3 brain cells would have to have occasionally noticed it). I did have a similar episode a couple weekends ago. I had to attend a benefit concert for a group I work with. I knew there would be quite a few folks I knew, and I knew there would be a lot of drinking. I am on day37 today. I decided I had to go, but I made a plan in my head before I went, and I shared my feelings with the SR folks before I departed. I had a few ginger ales that night when I was schmoozing in the bar, and you know what, I don't think anyone (except the bar hostess) really noticed. Not the same thing if you're heading out with a few closer friends, but similar. You know best how you will react to the situation. Judge it and then decide what is best for you. I know I'll sound selfish, but we must put ourselves first every time when it comes to our sobriety, especially in this early stage. Best of luck to you.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Good advice, and not what any of us want to hear but is what we need to hear.
What is the obvious and easiest choice when out with drunks and sober and bored out of your skull? Drink with them right?
Once we realize that faced with the choice to be bored sober and change to eliminate boredom I say to change the friends and activities.
Hard as it may be, bar hopping, clubbing, and acting like juveniles again, is sadder than the sad people who peaked in High School and never became adults, just continued to try hang to out. Many of them turned to drink too.
Since we have already tried the drunk's life and decided it was unhealthy and ruining our lives, perhaps even ending them sooner than later, it might do us well to agree that we can't run around acting like juveniles while sober for long.
Ever closed down a bar and the owner turned all the lights up high and blinded everybody with the light? Most would see how sordid the places and the faces were despite being drunk! It works for all but the unconscious. So we all get up and move to the house or another dark place to drink and act juvenile some more if we can.
Do that sober????? NO thanks, never again!
Lots of alternatives! I'd rather go to a ballet and I hate ballet than sit through a drunken group's antics.
Unless you want to be that drunken juvenile.
Then we remember that Peter Pan was indeed fiction, and only fiction. Many think that eliminates all fun in life, when in fact, the fun becomes real at that point of learning. The possibilities are endless.
What is the obvious and easiest choice when out with drunks and sober and bored out of your skull? Drink with them right?
Once we realize that faced with the choice to be bored sober and change to eliminate boredom I say to change the friends and activities.
Hard as it may be, bar hopping, clubbing, and acting like juveniles again, is sadder than the sad people who peaked in High School and never became adults, just continued to try hang to out. Many of them turned to drink too.
Since we have already tried the drunk's life and decided it was unhealthy and ruining our lives, perhaps even ending them sooner than later, it might do us well to agree that we can't run around acting like juveniles while sober for long.
Ever closed down a bar and the owner turned all the lights up high and blinded everybody with the light? Most would see how sordid the places and the faces were despite being drunk! It works for all but the unconscious. So we all get up and move to the house or another dark place to drink and act juvenile some more if we can.
Do that sober????? NO thanks, never again!
Lots of alternatives! I'd rather go to a ballet and I hate ballet than sit through a drunken group's antics.
Unless you want to be that drunken juvenile.
Then we remember that Peter Pan was indeed fiction, and only fiction. Many think that eliminates all fun in life, when in fact, the fun becomes real at that point of learning. The possibilities are endless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by chainsaw4618 
Hey S: Does your bud know of your efforts? Frankly, I grapple with this. Until this forum, I never openly admitted my problem to anyone (although anyone with 3 brain cells would have to have occasionally noticed it). I did have a similar episode a couple weekends ago. I had to attend a benefit concert for a group I work with. I knew there would be quite a few folks I knew, and I knew there would be a lot of drinking. I am on day37 today. I decided I had to go, but I made a plan in my head before I went, and I shared my feelings with the SR folks before I departed. I had a few ginger ales that night when I was schmoozing in the bar, and you know what, I don't think anyone (except the bar hostess) really noticed. Not the same thing if you're heading out with a few closer friends, but similar. You know best how you will react to the situation. Judge it and then decide what is best for you. I know I'll sound selfish, but we must put ourselves first every time when it comes to our sobriety, especially in this early stage. Best of luck to you.
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