dont know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
dont know what to do
Hi,
I am new to the site and having a really bad day so please bear with me if i go on too much!
I have been married for 10 years and have two amazing sons. I love my husband so much, i cant imagine my life without him, but he has an alcohol addiction and i dont know what to do. He has always drunk (we met in a pub!), but when we had children i assumed it would become a drink in the evenings together to relax, or the odd night out at the weekend - a social thing that was not a necessity.
Now, he opens his first can at 11am, and drinks all day - he claims it cant be that bad as he's rarely drunk - he doesnt get that its because his tolerance is high!
For the first time in years we can afford the rent and bills- he has been unable to hold down a job, and has pretty much given up trying to get one. I now work full time (and miss my children constantly) with a decent wage, but i feel unable to cope with the job. Problem is, if i pack it in, we'll lose our home - again, and my boys deserve some security.
He has previously attended AA when he realised how bad i was feeling, but he only went once or twice, and didnt truly believe he needed it.
Now, we are rowing - when i bring up his drinking, he changes the topic and blames me for our stresses - says i need to lighten up, stop blaming him for things. he manipulates me, shouts me down and has a talent for making me question myself. I dont know how much more i can cry. I cannot talk to my family, and i dont want friends to judge him - he is a good man.
Please can someone help me - i am so scared of the future.
I am new to the site and having a really bad day so please bear with me if i go on too much!
I have been married for 10 years and have two amazing sons. I love my husband so much, i cant imagine my life without him, but he has an alcohol addiction and i dont know what to do. He has always drunk (we met in a pub!), but when we had children i assumed it would become a drink in the evenings together to relax, or the odd night out at the weekend - a social thing that was not a necessity.
Now, he opens his first can at 11am, and drinks all day - he claims it cant be that bad as he's rarely drunk - he doesnt get that its because his tolerance is high!
For the first time in years we can afford the rent and bills- he has been unable to hold down a job, and has pretty much given up trying to get one. I now work full time (and miss my children constantly) with a decent wage, but i feel unable to cope with the job. Problem is, if i pack it in, we'll lose our home - again, and my boys deserve some security.
He has previously attended AA when he realised how bad i was feeling, but he only went once or twice, and didnt truly believe he needed it.
Now, we are rowing - when i bring up his drinking, he changes the topic and blames me for our stresses - says i need to lighten up, stop blaming him for things. he manipulates me, shouts me down and has a talent for making me question myself. I dont know how much more i can cry. I cannot talk to my family, and i dont want friends to judge him - he is a good man.
Please can someone help me - i am so scared of the future.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 83
Welcome Majool and thank you for posting...I can't offer a lot in the way in advice as I am newly sober (13 days today) but I would just like to say that my heart goes out to you and your husband, and I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Best of luck to you.
WK
WK
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
Thank you! just that you have read this and had the heart to reply has made me cry - thats the state i'm in!!
i truly hope you are so proud of yourself, and i wish you all the strength and love to continue as you are for many more days to come. Hugs
i truly hope you are so proud of yourself, and i wish you all the strength and love to continue as you are for many more days to come. Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Majool 
Welcome to SR - I'm sorry for what's bought you here, tho.
I think it's really important you look after your own well being in all this - and your childrens.
Supports a great tool in looking after yourself. You'll find a lot of support and advice here - and our Family and Friends forums are another resource here as well - lots of posters down there who know what you're going through
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Welcome to SR - I'm sorry for what's bought you here, tho.
I think it's really important you look after your own well being in all this - and your childrens.
Supports a great tool in looking after yourself. You'll find a lot of support and advice here - and our Family and Friends forums are another resource here as well - lots of posters down there who know what you're going through
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Majool,
I am so sorry for your pain. I can imagine your frustrations. Thank goodness you have a good job, that is one blessing. I know you miss your boys, that hurts, but a lot of people are in that position right now.
And you have every right to talk about this all you wish. This is the place for it, for you cant guess how many people are in the same situation.
Have you considered Al-anon meetings? It might give you the help you need to get through your days, and if you can learn how to deal with your drinker, it will at least not make things worse.
I know what you mean about them making you feel crazy,and turning it around. It will make you crazy to try to reason it out with a drinker.
There is a lot of good information here, in the "stickies" at the beginning of this site. You will find encouragement there. And you will meet some great folks here, who have been where you are, and they can share their experiences, their hope and strength with you.
best wishes.Read and post all you wish, we are here.
chicory
I am so sorry for your pain. I can imagine your frustrations. Thank goodness you have a good job, that is one blessing. I know you miss your boys, that hurts, but a lot of people are in that position right now.
And you have every right to talk about this all you wish. This is the place for it, for you cant guess how many people are in the same situation.
Have you considered Al-anon meetings? It might give you the help you need to get through your days, and if you can learn how to deal with your drinker, it will at least not make things worse.
I know what you mean about them making you feel crazy,and turning it around. It will make you crazy to try to reason it out with a drinker.
There is a lot of good information here, in the "stickies" at the beginning of this site. You will find encouragement there. And you will meet some great folks here, who have been where you are, and they can share their experiences, their hope and strength with you.
best wishes.Read and post all you wish, we are here.
chicory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 37
thanks chicory, you are right i know, about lots of people having to be away from their kids. I suppose its just that i feel that its his drinking that stops him working, so therefore i am doing a job i dont feel good enough or strong enough to do, and he gets to have more time with our boys as a reward! I have so much to be thankful for, and so many people have much more right to complain, but it hurts that i cant make things right. What if i am the reason for his drinking? What if his drinking isnt as bad as i think, and i'm just a control freak?
my boys idolise him, and he is a wonderful dad - i could never take them away from him, so i feel i have no option but to always feel this lost. kind of a scary thought.
my boys idolise him, and he is a wonderful dad - i could never take them away from him, so i feel i have no option but to always feel this lost. kind of a scary thought.
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
hey majool...how sorry i am for your situation. your husband needs to "man up". he has put the enitre burden of support for the family right on your back. this is really sad. your children do deserve stability...but, they also deserve a sober father. it sounds to me like he is deep in his denial and very argumentative about his behavior. maybe he really needs a good wake-up call from you. trust me, being alone with your sons is a happier place than side stepping around a drunk man. and if he is a really good man...he will "man up" and take responsibility. good luck and good love...mags
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Please do post in the forum Dee linked to, Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Your husband sounds like a typical blaming alcoholic, denying there's a problem and shifting the blame on you. You don't need to be carrying his weight around, he's an adult and should be supporting himself, as well as his family. Lots of men are out of work all over the place, but that doesnt' give them license to drink all day, spending money they can't afford to spend that should be going towards upkeep of the family: home, bills, food, etc.
You came to a good place for support. I hope you and your kids can find some stability and peace - with him or without him. You and the kids are worth it.:ghug3
You came to a good place for support. I hope you and your kids can find some stability and peace - with him or without him. You and the kids are worth it.:ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
As you said, your husband doesn't think he has a problem and doesn't want to stop drinking, so hopefully you can focus on support for yourself.
Do check out our Friends & Families forum on this message board where you will find lots of support.
Do check out our Friends & Families forum on this message board where you will find lots of support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by majool 
For the first time in years we can afford the rent and bills- he has been unable to hold down a job, and has pretty much given up trying to get one. I now work full time (and miss my children constantly) with a decent wage, but i feel unable to cope with the job. Problem is, if i pack it in, we'll lose our home - again, and my boys deserve some security.
He has previously attended AA when he realised how bad i was feeling, but he only went once or twice, and didnt truly believe he needed it.
Now, we are rowing - when i bring up his drinking, he changes the topic and blames me for our stresses - says i need to lighten up, stop blaming him for things. he manipulates me, shouts me down and has a talent for making me question myself. I dont know how much more i can cry. I cannot talk to my family, and i dont want friends to judge him - he is a good man.
He has previously attended AA when he realised how bad i was feeling, but he only went once or twice, and didnt truly believe he needed it.
Now, we are rowing - when i bring up his drinking, he changes the topic and blames me for our stresses - says i need to lighten up, stop blaming him for things. he manipulates me, shouts me down and has a talent for making me question myself. I dont know how much more i can cry. I cannot talk to my family, and i dont want friends to judge him - he is a good man.
You say he is a good man, yet he stays at home all day whilst you are separated from your boys working full-time. Doesn't a 'good man' - alcoholic or not - feel a duty to provide for his family? Do his boys see him cracking open a can at 11am and drinking all day? What sort of role model is he, and will he be in future, for your sons? You then go on to say that he manipulates and intimidates you into questioning yourself when you express absolutely legitimate concerns. I'm really worried for you that things won't change for the better, because he seems to have no desire for them to.
He doesn't seem to think he has a problem, and it seems to be you who is making alcohol an excuse for his lack of contribution to the family; rather than what might, in fact, be his own character flaws.
Were he an alcoholic struggling to come to terms with the fact he could not provide for his family, was a bad role model for his children, and a verbally abusive husband, then that's another matter. From what you've written, though, he doesn't seem to be struggling with any kind of moral dilemma at all.
Perhaps I'm being unfair, in which case I really do apologise.
I really hope you get some help - it must be an awful situation for you. Can you really not confide at all in family and friends? It sounds like you really need some moral support, and it seems a shame to isolate yourself from those closest to you if they could provide somewhere emotionally safe for you to talk things through. And if they judge him - so what? He needs to take responsibility for himself and his family, and you can't be expected to protect him as if he were a vulnerable child. Take care of yourself.
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