help, new BF is A-just finding out,need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
help, new BF is A-just finding out,need advice
so happy i found this forum, am new here, confused, dont know what to do.
i found out after the facts:
we met and it was instant chemistry between us, fell for each other right away etc...i didnt know he was A, thought he had just had 2 much to drink for the week-end, since he had said that he had no drinking problem and that he would sober up for me etc..., but the next day he asked that i come see him again, i came and he got all drunk all over again (drinking beers back to back, liek 9 or 10 beers the evening, plus what he had already drunk before i arrived). I now just found out about his alcoholism thru his friend. unfortunetaly, unaware that he was an A, prior to finding that out, i had tried to talk to him (which was the big mistake), of course he now feel ashamed, feel judged by me, etc...he has now withdrawn and said overnight just like that that "its not gonna work" and does not even want to talk to me anymore, any way I can repair? am ready to email him a message that i didnt know, that i didnt mean to pressure, and that i will b there for him when he is ready to change the drinking he is a functioning A and does very well at his job etc...but then hits the bottle when he comes back from work i guess. i wish he had been franck with me from the begining and told me his problem, instea dof making me believe that he was gonna "sober up for me casue he loves me" etc...help, advices, please how can i repair this, we just met but am fallin hard for him.
i found out after the facts:
we met and it was instant chemistry between us, fell for each other right away etc...i didnt know he was A, thought he had just had 2 much to drink for the week-end, since he had said that he had no drinking problem and that he would sober up for me etc..., but the next day he asked that i come see him again, i came and he got all drunk all over again (drinking beers back to back, liek 9 or 10 beers the evening, plus what he had already drunk before i arrived). I now just found out about his alcoholism thru his friend. unfortunetaly, unaware that he was an A, prior to finding that out, i had tried to talk to him (which was the big mistake), of course he now feel ashamed, feel judged by me, etc...he has now withdrawn and said overnight just like that that "its not gonna work" and does not even want to talk to me anymore, any way I can repair? am ready to email him a message that i didnt know, that i didnt mean to pressure, and that i will b there for him when he is ready to change the drinking he is a functioning A and does very well at his job etc...but then hits the bottle when he comes back from work i guess. i wish he had been franck with me from the begining and told me his problem, instea dof making me believe that he was gonna "sober up for me casue he loves me" etc...help, advices, please how can i repair this, we just met but am fallin hard for him.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a really GREAT site!!!!!
Before you write an email, I would suggest you head over to our Friends & Family of Alcoholics Forum and start reading:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are some folks over there with some really great Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) and quite a few 'Double Winners' also. A Double Winner who one that is in recovery from alcohol and/or drugs and has also worked very hard on their co dependent tendancies because they also have A's in their lives.
Please Check it out and hold off on writing that email. What you read, I believe will change your mind.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Before you write an email, I would suggest you head over to our Friends & Family of Alcoholics Forum and start reading:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are some folks over there with some really great Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) and quite a few 'Double Winners' also. A Double Winner who one that is in recovery from alcohol and/or drugs and has also worked very hard on their co dependent tendancies because they also have A's in their lives.
Please Check it out and hold off on writing that email. What you read, I believe will change your mind.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
clinging to success
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 26
Welcome! This place is great.
I don't know how long you have been together (sounds like not long), but my honest advice is to offer all the help and support you can. If he doesn't want it/isn't ready...run.
You can't help him if he doesn't want it. You are just asking for heartbreak.
Just my opinion.
OB
I don't know how long you have been together (sounds like not long), but my honest advice is to offer all the help and support you can. If he doesn't want it/isn't ready...run.
You can't help him if he doesn't want it. You are just asking for heartbreak.
Just my opinion.
OB
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NS, Canada
Posts: 160
Hi ... nice to meet you. Sorry you're going through a tough time. My advice would be to not attempt a relationship on the assumption that he will change for you, or that you can change him.
Personally, I would let him go, or keep a friendly distance. As for an e-mail, maybe a brief one if at all .. kindly worded, explaining your position on alcohol consumption and that it's unfortunate that you are both not on the "same page" in that regard .. because you felt the two of you may have had the potential to grow into a nice relationship otherwise. Wish him well, no hard feelings, and say your door is open if he wants to talk about it. (But IF you say that, be very CAREFUL - don't let him manipulate you ... If you want to be a friend, be strong and ready to completely cut ties.) Trust your instincts. If he's going to change at all, ever, he has to want to for himself.
I know you like the guy, but I would leave this one alone myself. At least this is the advice I would give my daughter.
Think of advice you would give a friend or sister (if you have one) if their circumstances were similar.
In any event, good luck with everything .. Look after yourself. You sound like a nice, caring gal .. You absolutely deserve to be happy and comfortable. We all do!
Personally, I would let him go, or keep a friendly distance. As for an e-mail, maybe a brief one if at all .. kindly worded, explaining your position on alcohol consumption and that it's unfortunate that you are both not on the "same page" in that regard .. because you felt the two of you may have had the potential to grow into a nice relationship otherwise. Wish him well, no hard feelings, and say your door is open if he wants to talk about it. (But IF you say that, be very CAREFUL - don't let him manipulate you ... If you want to be a friend, be strong and ready to completely cut ties.) Trust your instincts. If he's going to change at all, ever, he has to want to for himself.
I know you like the guy, but I would leave this one alone myself. At least this is the advice I would give my daughter.
Think of advice you would give a friend or sister (if you have one) if their circumstances were similar.
In any event, good luck with everything .. Look after yourself. You sound like a nice, caring gal .. You absolutely deserve to be happy and comfortable. We all do!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 437
Say goodbye
I am soo sorry. But if he said "its not gonna work", it isn't. He obviuosly isn't ready to stop drinking, and as hard as this is for you, he is going to have to lose a few things important to him before he is ready to see what alcholism is all about. We as A's, well we are stubborn, we don't listen, we are self-centered and until we have been hit over the head a few times we think we can handle it. (our drinking)
We can't. We absolutley can't do it on our own, which means we need help.
So in summary, he needs to experience some consequences/losses due to his drinking, he has to ask for help, and he has to take the help once it's offered.
I hate that I know this. Best of luck and hugs to you. Its not pretty.
We can't. We absolutley can't do it on our own, which means we need help.
So in summary, he needs to experience some consequences/losses due to his drinking, he has to ask for help, and he has to take the help once it's offered.
I hate that I know this. Best of luck and hugs to you. Its not pretty.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
OH MY GOD, it is so nice to hear advices, i read as i am crying, i am happy such support exist, or else what would one do? for i felt like i was going crazyand not know who tot talk to that would have compassion for a person in love with an alcoholic. i feel i am stgon and have made a difference in the life of many people with serious problems, but i fully take all advices here VERY seriouly, and will read the "family help section", and am working on myself as to trying to let go, although at the moment it just seems so impossible to do. any advices and opinions is welcome to my thread as i really need to hear from those who know so much more about me on this. will definitely let him know a short email that should he need a friend am there (should i explained that i did not mean to put any pressure on him for i just was not aware of his alcohol depency?). it all SO makes more sense to me now. u guys are great. will read help before emailing him, need to work on myself first though, to get some strength as am so heartbroken. i thouhgt i should stick around, try to amend but i get it that running away means avoiding lots of heartbreak in the future too. how to walk away when i feel so mnay feelings for him. what a dilemna...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((New))) - welcome to SR!! I'm one of the "double winners" (((Laurie))) talked about (as is she). I can tell you that the only support that ever helped me, was when I was finally ready for recovery and then it was from other RAs (recovering addicts/alcoholics).
I understand the wanting to be supportive. I still kept in minimal touch with my last xabf (ex addict bf - had 3 of them
) but only in letters to him in jail that said "I will give you all the moral support you can handle, but we will NOT be together and you will NOT get any money from me) at which time I never heard from him again.
He didn't want support, he wanted to keep on doing what he was doing.
The Friends and Family forums helped me, tremendously, in realizing how little power I have over what someone else does (actually, I don't have ANY power)...I only have control on my actions/reactions.
I didn't realize this overnight, I'd spent over 25 years as a codie. Don't expect to get it all at once, but it certainly does help knowing others have been, or still are going through similar situations.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I understand the wanting to be supportive. I still kept in minimal touch with my last xabf (ex addict bf - had 3 of them
) but only in letters to him in jail that said "I will give you all the moral support you can handle, but we will NOT be together and you will NOT get any money from me) at which time I never heard from him again.He didn't want support, he wanted to keep on doing what he was doing.
The Friends and Family forums helped me, tremendously, in realizing how little power I have over what someone else does (actually, I don't have ANY power)...I only have control on my actions/reactions.
I didn't realize this overnight, I'd spent over 25 years as a codie. Don't expect to get it all at once, but it certainly does help knowing others have been, or still are going through similar situations.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
I'm going to be the a-hole here and give you advice I would give my own daughter... Drop him like a bad habit and never look back. That said, I don't feel one should be completely insensitive, and there are a few resources I feel you should give him on your way out, which no one else will. Feel free to contact me for references. I won't push you, since, frankly, I don't care if incorrigible, unrepentant drunks/junkies self-destruct and destroy themselves, but if you do care about him, I guarantee you that said references may save him much searching. It is highly unlikely that he will find them from the usual avenues, so feel free to Private Message me for recommendations.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 163
If you think you could help him, maybe you could? Maybe you could save him the destruction a lot of us alcoholics go through? I hope things turn out well for you both. He seems like he knows that he has a problem, how special it would be if you helped him quit drinking?
What if he started drinking again in 3 years? What if he started being abusive to you and your children? What if he looses his job and still won't stop drinking? You can read that story over and over here at this forum.
You would be taking a big chance.
What if he started drinking again in 3 years? What if he started being abusive to you and your children? What if he looses his job and still won't stop drinking? You can read that story over and over here at this forum.
You would be taking a big chance.
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