Origin of "1 year no relationship"? And a rant.
 

- first off, I have read the big book and it says NOTHING in there about not being in a relationship in the first year. So, where did this come from??

- I get told this 1 yr crap a bunch. I personally have always been alone when I relapsed. I dont like my sponsor in my current business of relationships with anyone unless I bring it up. I also have been told "no major changes in first yr".

- So, do yall expect life to quit happening just because I havnt got a year? BTW, I did have a year once and relapsed because I was freaking lonely.

- I understand sponsors want their sponsees to focus on their recovery, but guess what? I have a job and am in school....so you want me to quit those so I can focus on recovery? That's be very counter-productive.



my point here is life keeps happening.....AA or no AA.


oh and my now ex-sponsor told me...."dont care if you screw a girl, but dont get emotionally involved.".....reallly? You want me to be a slimeball??? Another thing...his GF got into my business...so I took that ex-sponsor into a private area and told him to tell his GF to mind her own f'ing business and fired him on the spot. He was also talking junk about someone I had been hanging out with behind her back. Just freaking crazy.

Hey Tuffy, I am not in AA so I can't answer about where the "1 year no relationship" started, but I can take a guess at why that idea has been around for a while.

I think the basis behind it is not that anyone expects your life to quit happening, but that you take the time to focus on getting healthy and learning how to live your life soberly. Major emotional entaglements can be counterproductive to learning how to be "you" without the booze.

I always thought that the "one year no relationship" rule is giving yourself the gift of time to heal.

Maybe the lonliness issue could, to some degree, but alleviated by some good same-sex friendships that are less likely to take an emotional toll?

Food for thought...as I said, I have mainly recovered without AA (tried it, but couldn't make the meetings often enough because of travel time), so I am not speaking on the BB or where the AA traditions came from, just my own thougths.

Good luck in your recovery.
Jomey

Keep looking for a sponsor until you find one that says what you want to hear.

rehabs. Nothing in the big book about this stuff. Life happens. Live it to it's fullest!

My sponsor knows what is and isn't in the big book, thank goodness!

90 in 90, 1 year stuff, that's all from rehabs. there is something to "anything I put in front of my sobriety, I may lose" so don't make a partner your higher power.

Enjoy Life!

I'm not an AA person, and I have found that balance in my life works for me. In fact, balance is crucial.

I hope you find a way to recover that works for you.

Experience.

not all experiences are the same. Had a sponsor in another town I moved here from. he met his wife after 3 weeks and her 1 week....they both now have 21 yrs and are happily married

Tuffy, there is a lot to be said for experience -- in that respect I agree with BadCompany -- but you're right, it's not in the Big Book.



That Ain't In the Big Book

"Stay out of relationships for the first year!"


Page. 69, paragraph 1: "We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct."

Page 69, paragraph 3: "In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it."

Page 69, paragraph 4: "God alone can judge our sex situation."

Page 69-70: "Counsel with other persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge."

Page 70, Paragraph 2: "We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing."



I listen to what others have to say, check it against the book (so far, in my experience, the book always wins) and take it all to God.

My sponsor's real job? To get me through the steps to a spiritual awakening where God is flowing into my life and can direct me to what he would have me do.

Is he taking you through the 12 steps out of the Big Book?

I think there is some wisdom in the idea of putting recovery first for a while regardless of where it came from.

I was a vastly different person at day 90 from day 1 for example...I'm personally glad I didn't take anyone along with me for that ride.

I needed some 'me time' to discover just exactly sober me was, and to be totally comfortable with that discovery.

Relationships can be difficult too - for everyone - a lot of stresses and strains can happen in the the best pairings....I'm also glad I waited until I was sure my sobriety unconditional, y'know?

I think I've made a better partner waiting and doing things that way. I was lonely too but I'm not sure loneliness by itself is the best motivator to enter into a relationship.

That said, it wasn't a year before I met my partner....but I felt instinctively it was a positive move I was ready for :)

D

Big Book never tells us not to drink either.

This is more pop AA garbage like 90 in 90, meeting makers make it, don't drink go to meetings, etc.

My book tells me that sanity will have returned as I move into my tenth and eleventh step inventories, that the obsession will have been removed, and that once I carry this message I will have had a vital spiritual experience.

We do this work and god fixes us, kinda arrogant of me to pretend that I can know god will do this at an arbitrary time point.

My experience has been like others, my sponsor takes me through the work so I have an experience with god. He is not there to dictate my life, who/when I date, etc. This is where I go to god and pray/meditate, and if I've done the work, and a relationship with a woman comes naturally (free of my will), then its probably good indication that it is in god's plan-regardless of whether I have 364 days or that somehow mystical 365th day.

How long have you been sober this time Tuff and how do you go about choosing a sponsor?

It's pretty obvious stuff...the program of AA is the steps which ensure a drastic personality change in the individual so for the first year, if the person is already single, it is suggested that they remain that way and get a relationship in place with themselves before attempting a relationship with another person...thats it really!

I would only really advise anyone to do this if they are actually doing work on themselves, i.e. real tangible work to recover from alcohlism, otherwise it doesn't really matter if the person keeps dating or not...

Hmm, I gotta say, well... No, life doesn't stand still for us while we recover. Have you recovered? If you get lonely again, are you gonna drink again? Have you made progress in aligning your own self will with that of your higher power's?

No, nothing in the Big Book about no new relationships in the first year. But there is a lot of stuff about our spiritual fitness. Where are you in the steps?

If I don't know who I am, who am I going to be in a relationship? If I haven't looked at my past mistakes in relationships and examined my part in them (i.e., 4th step sex inventory), how am I going to avoid making the same exact mistakes in the future? If I don't know what my sex ideal for the future is (i.e., 4th step sex inventory), how do I know what I am looking for?

I don't think there is anything magical about a set number of days. What I think is critical is taking the steps and having a personality change (or vital spiritual experience or psychic change or spiritual awakening) so that I can go into a relationship sober and sane and healthy. Maybe a better indicator is "no relationships until after the 9th step amends are completed." Like the others have asked, where are you in the steps?
Susan Lauren

My second sponsor used to tell me while I was going through the work to, "Stay away from the women Eric, they've been through enough already."

i heard this in a meeting and liked it:

"anything i put in front of recovery, i lose"

i've got 81 days sober. as much as i want to go out and rebound against my ex right now i'm not yet at p69 in the big book, and so i'm waiting. I also know enough about myself to know that most of my relationships (i'm a serial monogamist) bring out the worst in me - no matter who i'm dating it's all the same issues rising to the top, and it's ultimately been the cause of deterioration in my past relationships.

When i'm in a relationship, all of my crazy family issues just end up rising to the top and i end up acting them out - i want that to change - i want to recover so that it can change - and i'm not in any headspace to deal with relationship issues before i clean up my own home if you know what i mean.

i know that's a lot of "aa speak" but it's what's working for me - and i swear, i never thought i'd be an "aa person" - but this is also the longest amount of time i've been without booze or pain pills in almost 20 years. I don't want to lose my sobriety.

I also haven't met anyone that floats my boat, so that may have a lot to do with it. There isn't anyone i know who is someone i want to go out with at all. except my ex, and he's gone. (not to mention that he's not very healthy either).

My sponsor has said it doesn't have to last the full year - but so far all i know is i'm not ready to get in any kind of relationship right now, even though i want to.

and i really really really want to rebound. but i know i'll feel icky if i do it. it always has in the past.

this relationship stuff sucks ugh!

anyway, maybe it doesn't have to be a full year for you - maybe it's just a post- step 6 or 7 kind of thing for you. Or maybe light dating is ok - Have you talked directly to your sponsor about it? what does he/she say?

My sponsor says "all dilemmas are a step 2 dilemma" so maybe a bit of meditation on your own issue will help you come to believe what it is you need & what action is best for you and your recovery.

Tuff, your points are valid. But overriding tone of your post is all about what you want, and how your sponsor and this rule of thumb are getting in the way of what you want. I would suggest you look at this from the perspective of "thy will, not mine, be done" and let that drive your action and choices.

You say it so much better than I did.

Tuff,

I am glad it bothers you that your ex sponsor said "dont care if you screw a girl, but dont get emotionally involved."

That would be enough for me to look for a new sponsor. I know this isn't in the Big Book about relationships, I think it is said to keep you from fixing on people over recovery. I know for me I have a tendency to fix on things... people, drugs, alcohol, food, etc.

I had 1 yr sober when I married my first husband. (relapsed when he got brain cancer)

I had 1 1/2 yrs sober when I married my second husband. (He has never known me to be high, cuz he never knew, but he did know after the fact cuz I told him.) Today I have 10 months! We have been married almost 10 yrs.

Just be careful, and I hope you can find a sponsor who morally you can be in agreement with! I too have been picky when it came to my sponsor, kind of a mentor I could look up to.

Remember sobertime does not automatically equal recovery.

blessings, Lily

I'm going to weigh in here, although I'm definitely not at risk of getting involved with anyone romantically any time soon, lol. :)

I agree with Lily -- I too have a tendency to "fix" on people, or obsess over people. Many of my past relationships have failed because I didn't really know how to let my respective partners have any space. I tend to get so wrapped up in people that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. No one person should have to bear the weight of me placing my worth in them, and unfortunately that's what I've done repeatedly.

I am hoping that as I continue to work the steps I work through some of the resentments that have built up and learn to have a "right sized" opinion of myself. I think the arbitrary choosing of one year really doesn't matter, it's more about where you are in your recovery. I know that I won't be getting involved in any relationships until the people I am counting on to support me think it's a good idea and I think it's a good idea. Honestly going through heartbreak at this early stage in my recovery would put my sobriety in danger, and that's not a risk I'm willing to take.

Hi tuffy, I'm a little skeptical of AA, and I haven't gotten too involved so far, so I can't really comment as to what it says in The Book. I appreciate your post because I have similar sentiments, and I've spent my whole adult life putting things off until I'm "ready". Lately I'm of the mind that perhaps it's time to just live life as it occurs because I'm never going to be "ready". Learning to cope with life (good/bad/boring/etc.) without using alcohol is the goal here. You can't learn to cope if you're avoiding everything that might potentially screw things up.

That said, I will say that loneliness is a big reason I became an addict in the first place. Before the feelings of emptiness or loneliness can be consciously detected, I'd grab for the bottle. As a result, I'd been proudly proclaiming to my friends over the years that I'm perfectly content to be alone, when in reality, I wasn't feeling them because I'd been numbing myself whenever those feelings start coming up. Since I've tried to really stop, I've had to actually confront those feelings that I've been trying to run away from and I've realized that I really, really hate being alone. It feels like **** to really let those feelings in and not be able to drown it away or distract myself in other ways. One thing about relationships is that it's an effective way to distract yourself from whatever those feelings are that drive you to drink. That's good in some ways, but it also doesn't really fix the underlying problem. If a relationship goes south, what then? It might be extra tempting to go back to the bottle because you haven't figured out a way to be alone without using anything to make that feeling go away.

Anyway, just rambling thoughts here from someone in the same boat. My gut feeling is that if you are getting involved with someone to distract yourself from your feelings of loneliness, then that isn't a good reason to get involved. If you meet someone who is genuinely a great match for you, then you should proceed cautiously.

I think most of the pertinent points have been covered here.

I'll wiegh in a lilttle bit just basically saying the same stuff perhaps in a different way maybe that'll help. First, the exact origin of the quote- i cannot say i've reseached it so i cant really help with that. I was told this multiple times and while disagreeing silently, i grasped the underling meanings of "if I dont fix me the relationship i start will be at a disadvantage whitch would not be fair to the other person", "typically someone who is an addict trys everything they can to use something outside themselves to make themselves feel better" thus leading to no dateing because if we are tricking ourselves into trying to malipulate the other person to be co-dependant as others have tried it is unhealthy and will end badly. even if our intentions are pure and the other person is informed i or we are most times unable to deal with relationships that sour and will typically lead to relapse.

With that said i totally understand how frustrating it is to deal with aa, our lives are our own to lead. i believe the self checker for this type of thing is an honest appraisal of the situation, are you following your feelings to a point that would be detrimental to your recovery (i.e. are you obsessing about this person ,would you have the esteem necessary to stand firm one your decision to not drink if persuaded by her, would you be able to handle a horrable souring of the situation? i think how you answer these types of things will let you know how to proceed. as far as aa sponcership goes for sure he was in the wrong no if ands or butts, although watch out for self will run riot, we have done what we wanted to do for the course of this and being able to set aside what we want for the greater good is at the heart of all this.

wish you luck with this , i'll pray for you. keep fighting the good fight...or surrending and winning whitchever you need to do for now :)

I'm a former AA member so I'm familiar with the 1 year rule. I've read the BB and all the literature. No, it isn't in there.

But the way I see it is: the Big Book is not the bible, or the repository of universal truth, and the question is not whether something is or is not in there (and, as others have noted, "don't drink" isn't in there, either) but whether or not the suggestion makes sense FOR YOU IN YOUR PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.

If you are someone who is not currently in a relationship, has had trouble with relationships in the past (particularly if you have been abusive in them, or are triggered to drink by them), then it is probably an excellent idea for you not to get involved until you get your act together. In fact, if this is the case, one year might not be long enough; that time period is completely arbitrary and in my experience, people who have relationship issues coupled with addiction tend to take a whole lot longer than a year to get their heads on straight.

Now, as to the person who told you to go ahead and have sex, but not get emotionally involved: that person is a jerk, to be safely ignored. Talk about not in the Big Book! That notion isn't in any reasonable moral code I ever heard of.

It comes from treatment centers. They charge $12k to tell you a plethora of things that aren't in the book or the AA program. They then give you a book and send you to AA armed with this wisdom and knowledge. Hence, AA is full of these disinformation warriors that never took the steps, lived the program or even know what the book says. They therefore sit around and invent things to say.
Nowhere, anywhere in the book, the steps or traditions does it say anything about putting any aspect of your life on hold. Ever! Remember, we put our will and our lives into the care of God as we understood God. So do we tell God that the will of the disinformation warriors supersedes his will and the people he put in your life will just have to wait for a year? It's no wonder people are walking out the door by the droves.

Some very interesting opinions here, but for me the nuts and bolts of it comes down to this.
If the wreck of a person that I was the day after I quit drinking was desirable to a person that I was interested in having relationship with I would have to ask myself
is this person going to have anything in common with the person that I hope to become on my path to recovery?
If my sponsor is worth his chips he will be well aware of the fact that I am or I am not ready for a relationship at whatever stage in my recovery.
When I hear or disagree with some advice that I am given that would usually make good sense to someone else, I have to look at it as a fear that I have to surrender my will.
.
.
.

This is not in the book