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Origin of "1 year no relationship"? And a rant.

Old 11-06-2011, 08:59 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I'm going to weigh in here, although I'm definitely not at risk of getting involved with anyone romantically any time soon, lol.

I agree with Lily -- I too have a tendency to "fix" on people, or obsess over people. Many of my past relationships have failed because I didn't really know how to let my respective partners have any space. I tend to get so wrapped up in people that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. No one person should have to bear the weight of me placing my worth in them, and unfortunately that's what I've done repeatedly.

I am hoping that as I continue to work the steps I work through some of the resentments that have built up and learn to have a "right sized" opinion of myself. I think the arbitrary choosing of one year really doesn't matter, it's more about where you are in your recovery. I know that I won't be getting involved in any relationships until the people I am counting on to support me think it's a good idea and I think it's a good idea. Honestly going through heartbreak at this early stage in my recovery would put my sobriety in danger, and that's not a risk I'm willing to take.
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Old 11-07-2011, 02:46 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Hi tuffy, I'm a little skeptical of AA, and I haven't gotten too involved so far, so I can't really comment as to what it says in The Book. I appreciate your post because I have similar sentiments, and I've spent my whole adult life putting things off until I'm "ready". Lately I'm of the mind that perhaps it's time to just live life as it occurs because I'm never going to be "ready". Learning to cope with life (good/bad/boring/etc.) without using alcohol is the goal here. You can't learn to cope if you're avoiding everything that might potentially screw things up.

That said, I will say that loneliness is a big reason I became an addict in the first place. Before the feelings of emptiness or loneliness can be consciously detected, I'd grab for the bottle. As a result, I'd been proudly proclaiming to my friends over the years that I'm perfectly content to be alone, when in reality, I wasn't feeling them because I'd been numbing myself whenever those feelings start coming up. Since I've tried to really stop, I've had to actually confront those feelings that I've been trying to run away from and I've realized that I really, really hate being alone. It feels like **** to really let those feelings in and not be able to drown it away or distract myself in other ways. One thing about relationships is that it's an effective way to distract yourself from whatever those feelings are that drive you to drink. That's good in some ways, but it also doesn't really fix the underlying problem. If a relationship goes south, what then? It might be extra tempting to go back to the bottle because you haven't figured out a way to be alone without using anything to make that feeling go away.

Anyway, just rambling thoughts here from someone in the same boat. My gut feeling is that if you are getting involved with someone to distract yourself from your feelings of loneliness, then that isn't a good reason to get involved. If you meet someone who is genuinely a great match for you, then you should proceed cautiously.
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Old 11-12-2011, 06:06 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I think most of the pertinent points have been covered here.

I'll wiegh in a lilttle bit just basically saying the same stuff perhaps in a different way maybe that'll help. First, the exact origin of the quote- i cannot say i've reseached it so i cant really help with that. I was told this multiple times and while disagreeing silently, i grasped the underling meanings of "if I dont fix me the relationship i start will be at a disadvantage whitch would not be fair to the other person", "typically someone who is an addict trys everything they can to use something outside themselves to make themselves feel better" thus leading to no dateing because if we are tricking ourselves into trying to malipulate the other person to be co-dependant as others have tried it is unhealthy and will end badly. even if our intentions are pure and the other person is informed i or we are most times unable to deal with relationships that sour and will typically lead to relapse.

With that said i totally understand how frustrating it is to deal with aa, our lives are our own to lead. i believe the self checker for this type of thing is an honest appraisal of the situation, are you following your feelings to a point that would be detrimental to your recovery (i.e. are you obsessing about this person ,would you have the esteem necessary to stand firm one your decision to not drink if persuaded by her, would you be able to handle a horrable souring of the situation? i think how you answer these types of things will let you know how to proceed. as far as aa sponcership goes for sure he was in the wrong no if ands or butts, although watch out for self will run riot, we have done what we wanted to do for the course of this and being able to set aside what we want for the greater good is at the heart of all this.

wish you luck with this , i'll pray for you. keep fighting the good fight...or surrending and winning whitchever you need to do for now

Last edited by Feeblemind; 11-12-2011 at 06:10 AM. Reason: was not done
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Old 11-12-2011, 07:44 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I'm a former AA member so I'm familiar with the 1 year rule. I've read the BB and all the literature. No, it isn't in there.

But the way I see it is: the Big Book is not the bible, or the repository of universal truth, and the question is not whether something is or is not in there (and, as others have noted, "don't drink" isn't in there, either) but whether or not the suggestion makes sense FOR YOU IN YOUR PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.

If you are someone who is not currently in a relationship, has had trouble with relationships in the past (particularly if you have been abusive in them, or are triggered to drink by them), then it is probably an excellent idea for you not to get involved until you get your act together. In fact, if this is the case, one year might not be long enough; that time period is completely arbitrary and in my experience, people who have relationship issues coupled with addiction tend to take a whole lot longer than a year to get their heads on straight.

Now, as to the person who told you to go ahead and have sex, but not get emotionally involved: that person is a jerk, to be safely ignored. Talk about not in the Big Book! That notion isn't in any reasonable moral code I ever heard of.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:24 AM
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It comes from treatment centers. They charge $12k to tell you a plethora of things that aren't in the book or the AA program. They then give you a book and send you to AA armed with this wisdom and knowledge. Hence, AA is full of these disinformation warriors that never took the steps, lived the program or even know what the book says. They therefore sit around and invent things to say.
Nowhere, anywhere in the book, the steps or traditions does it say anything about putting any aspect of your life on hold. Ever! Remember, we put our will and our lives into the care of God as we understood God. So do we tell God that the will of the disinformation warriors supersedes his will and the people he put in your life will just have to wait for a year? It's no wonder people are walking out the door by the droves.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:55 AM
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Some very interesting opinions here, but for me the nuts and bolts of it comes down to this.
If the wreck of a person that I was the day after I quit drinking was desirable to a person that I was interested in having relationship with I would have to ask myself
is this person going to have anything in common with the person that I hope to become on my path to recovery?
If my sponsor is worth his chips he will be well aware of the fact that I am or I am not ready for a relationship at whatever stage in my recovery.
When I hear or disagree with some advice that I am given that would usually make good sense to someone else, I have to look at it as a fear that I have to surrender my will.
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.
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This is not in the book
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