Powerless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Scotland
Posts: 143
Powerless.
I relapsed and drank last night until the early hours. I decided to go to the pub around 5pm as I wanted some company after a stressful few days. Before I went out I read a list that I'd written of all the reasons why I should not drink but it made no difference whatsoever to my mindset. I just did not have the mental strength to stay at home. I had at least 30 reasons to stay sober but still I could not resist the temptation and as soon as I walked into the pub I knew I would get hammered. I simply cannot understand why my rational self was defeated and today I feel like I'll never be able to stop. Only I can do this but today I feel miserable and hopeless. The devil in my mind is laughing at me as I type. I am a complete and total failure. I am so sorry that I am unable to post something positive today. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
You are NOT a failure, you are here posting and know that you don't want to live like this anymore. That, I think says a lot. Remember that today you are feeling extra down because you drank last night...tomorrow will be a better day if you don't drink again. Try not to be so hard on yourself and try, try, try again!
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,878
Unfortunately a relapse can happen. The only failure would be to abandon all recovery practices and continue drinking with no intention of quitting. I see that is not happening with you because you are here at SR. So you are not a failure.
Once I decide to drink all the reasons in the world I have not to drink go flying right out the window. The best solution I have found to powerlessness is being empowered with addiction treatment skills.
Just dust yourself off and get back to your recovery action plan.
Once I decide to drink all the reasons in the world I have not to drink go flying right out the window. The best solution I have found to powerlessness is being empowered with addiction treatment skills.
Just dust yourself off and get back to your recovery action plan.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Present Moment
Posts: 646
Wullie think about what YOU would say to others had your post been someone elses - use the tools I KNOW you have learned along the way - climb back up mate - I know you can.
Powerless, YES - complete failure, NO!! Come on buddy, dust off, get back on.
Sending you a big cuddle
Powerless, YES - complete failure, NO!! Come on buddy, dust off, get back on.
Sending you a big cuddle
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: The South USA
Posts: 56
Complete rubbish. Losers don't even make an attempt, and IMHO they aren't necessarily even losers, they just haven't seen or been given the opportunity in a fashion they can get their teeth into through no fault of their own. However, you do have the mechanism & can hop back on & hold fast. And that is not loserdom but Courage.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I'm sorry you're going through this, OorWullie. Remember that you're dealing with a disease, one that affects millions of people just like you. It's not easy to change after decades of drinking. Just don't give up - you've made some progress and you really don't want to drink away the rest of your life.
Get through today - that's all you have to do right now. When you feel better, it will be easier to think about ways you can prevent this from happening again.
Be kind to yourself and try to think some positive thoughts.:ghug3
Get through today - that's all you have to do right now. When you feel better, it will be easier to think about ways you can prevent this from happening again.
Be kind to yourself and try to think some positive thoughts.:ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
I don't think you're a failure either Wullie.
I found myself in your situation many many times - I had a sheath of paper with reasons not to drink on it and I did it anyway.
CarolD often says she never got anywhere until she wanted to be sober more than she wanted to drink, and that was certainly true for me.
Drinkings easy - it requires nearly no effort - we can do it in auto pilot....it's not drinking that takes the effort.
I'd ask myself what kind of support network do you have Wullie? can it be better?
and are you using it - & not just when you're tempted?
D
I found myself in your situation many many times - I had a sheath of paper with reasons not to drink on it and I did it anyway.
CarolD often says she never got anywhere until she wanted to be sober more than she wanted to drink, and that was certainly true for me.
Drinkings easy - it requires nearly no effort - we can do it in auto pilot....it's not drinking that takes the effort.
I'd ask myself what kind of support network do you have Wullie? can it be better?
and are you using it - & not just when you're tempted?
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Yep, not a failure. Just a human being in the process of beating an addiction, which you can do.
I had a slip the other day, and someone posted this for me. I found it helpful and so want to pass it on to you:
1. Rather than label a short-term return to drinking a total relapse, see it as a short-term lapse that you can learn from.
2. Realise that abstinence & control is only a moment away as opposed to the view that sobriety is lost.
3. Examine the chain of events that led to the lapse.
4. Renew your commitment, take stock of the cost of drinking and don't wallow in hopelessness and remorse.
5. Make an immediate plan for recovery.
Don't waste another moment wallowing. That's the addiction trying to beat you down and win you over. The sooner you realize you're a good person who had a moment of weakness that you can learn from, the sooner you'll be back on the path to being the person you want to be.
Good luck!
I had a slip the other day, and someone posted this for me. I found it helpful and so want to pass it on to you:
1. Rather than label a short-term return to drinking a total relapse, see it as a short-term lapse that you can learn from.
2. Realise that abstinence & control is only a moment away as opposed to the view that sobriety is lost.
3. Examine the chain of events that led to the lapse.
4. Renew your commitment, take stock of the cost of drinking and don't wallow in hopelessness and remorse.
5. Make an immediate plan for recovery.
Don't waste another moment wallowing. That's the addiction trying to beat you down and win you over. The sooner you realize you're a good person who had a moment of weakness that you can learn from, the sooner you'll be back on the path to being the person you want to be.
Good luck!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I always taught my kids, "don't go where you don't want to be"
My weekend comes, and I have choices about how to spend my time, money and energy. I ask myself "do you really want to go there?"
And sometimes I get going in a certain direction and then think "I don't like where this is going" and change direction.
That is what you did. In the old days, we didn't "catch" ourselves. We didn't bother with choices, we just bumped along.
People do define recovery in different ways. I started on my path to recovery before I ever got clean. I relapsed, had some slips, but I know more now than I did then. I know I can live clean, I know that I have tools and some idea about how to use them.
I am only "back in the gutter" if that is where I choose to go.
My weekend comes, and I have choices about how to spend my time, money and energy. I ask myself "do you really want to go there?"
And sometimes I get going in a certain direction and then think "I don't like where this is going" and change direction.
That is what you did. In the old days, we didn't "catch" ourselves. We didn't bother with choices, we just bumped along.
People do define recovery in different ways. I started on my path to recovery before I ever got clean. I relapsed, had some slips, but I know more now than I did then. I know I can live clean, I know that I have tools and some idea about how to use them.
I am only "back in the gutter" if that is where I choose to go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: London, The UK
Posts: 104
You should actually take pride in the fact that your relapse lasted a night only.
My relapses usually lasted a week or more.
Also - you posting here shows a clear dedication to beating this ugly addiction. It also shows you are brave enough to face your mistakes, to acknowledge them, something I wasn't able of in the past. I preferred to play the "victim" card, it was never my fault, I was just feeling sorry for myself and expected the world to help me without me doing anything to help myself.
My relapses usually lasted a week or more.
Also - you posting here shows a clear dedication to beating this ugly addiction. It also shows you are brave enough to face your mistakes, to acknowledge them, something I wasn't able of in the past. I preferred to play the "victim" card, it was never my fault, I was just feeling sorry for myself and expected the world to help me without me doing anything to help myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
First of all. Your not Powerless at all. Don't let that mindset sink in. You have the POWER to not take the first sip. You wanted to get hammer before you went to the pub. If your sober now then learn why you wanted to get drunk and ways to stay sober through the tough times.
NEVER LOOK AT YOURSELF AS POWERLESS!
NEVER LOOK AT YOURSELF AS POWERLESS!
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
OorWullie -
While a relapse is frustrating, I found that viewing it as my learning "another thing that didn't work" as a much better way to think about it. I tried to think about a great inventor who looked upon each failure as a step in the direction of finding the answer. The problem with alcohol is that it kills many of us (or we kill others) before we find that answer.
What I also found useful was trying to identify what I was thinking just prior to relapse. Then, while sober, I created a response to those thoughts. For example, if I thought "I've had a really rough week -- I deserve a drink.", I trained myself to counteract this by saying to myself "drinking won't make what happened this week any better, so instead let's go to a movie or go to a meeting or call a sober friend". It isn't easy, but alcoholism is a disease of our thinking. So, I learned to not trust my thoughts and rather ask for help.
This isn't something to go at alone. I'm glad you are here.
While a relapse is frustrating, I found that viewing it as my learning "another thing that didn't work" as a much better way to think about it. I tried to think about a great inventor who looked upon each failure as a step in the direction of finding the answer. The problem with alcohol is that it kills many of us (or we kill others) before we find that answer.
What I also found useful was trying to identify what I was thinking just prior to relapse. Then, while sober, I created a response to those thoughts. For example, if I thought "I've had a really rough week -- I deserve a drink.", I trained myself to counteract this by saying to myself "drinking won't make what happened this week any better, so instead let's go to a movie or go to a meeting or call a sober friend". It isn't easy, but alcoholism is a disease of our thinking. So, I learned to not trust my thoughts and rather ask for help.
This isn't something to go at alone. I'm glad you are here.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Our Wullie
I wonder if by the time you are looking at the list, it was too late. In my experience once I have "made" the decision nothing else matters. Without over-thinking it too much- for me this happens because ambivalence has been "resolved" by the decision, and the tension is reduced even before you have a drink (because you "know" you are going to).
Somebody wrote on here once about being "centred" in their recovery. My interpretation of what followed was that once the person detected they were off centre they could choose to take action, long before they were at risk of drinking. Whist I do not attend AA I take the steps as a reference point, and this concept of being centred is useful for me currently.
I wonder if by the time you are looking at the list, it was too late. In my experience once I have "made" the decision nothing else matters. Without over-thinking it too much- for me this happens because ambivalence has been "resolved" by the decision, and the tension is reduced even before you have a drink (because you "know" you are going to).
Somebody wrote on here once about being "centred" in their recovery. My interpretation of what followed was that once the person detected they were off centre they could choose to take action, long before they were at risk of drinking. Whist I do not attend AA I take the steps as a reference point, and this concept of being centred is useful for me currently.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
I couldn't agree more Instant, your description of once you have fully decided to have that drink.
It is the middle of the day, I have 3 more hours of work to go, I am thinking about "rewarding" myself with a drink after work. I feel great, not stressed, happy and yet I am thinking about a drink. I am also thinking how to distract myself from that drink and reward myself in other ways. This is the crossroad, this is where I have to be vigilant.
CaiHong
It is the middle of the day, I have 3 more hours of work to go, I am thinking about "rewarding" myself with a drink after work. I feel great, not stressed, happy and yet I am thinking about a drink. I am also thinking how to distract myself from that drink and reward myself in other ways. This is the crossroad, this is where I have to be vigilant.
CaiHong
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Scotland
Posts: 143
[QUOTE=Dee74;3160526]I don't think you're a failure either Wullie.
CarolD often says she never got anywhere until she wanted to be sober more than she wanted to drink, and that was certainly true for me.
Hi Dee, I've been thinking about what you said. I think that one issue/problem I have is that I am 'high functioning' and have not yet hit a rock bottom. I know I MUST stop drinking and that I WANT to stop, but the fact I can manage my life reasonably well means sometimes I want to drink more than I want to stay sober. I know that if I continue drinking though it'll all end in disaster.
Anyway, I feel better today so thanks for everyone's kind words and support. I'm going to go an AA meeting tomorrow and I have an appointment with a counsellor on Wednesday so more support on the way.
CarolD often says she never got anywhere until she wanted to be sober more than she wanted to drink, and that was certainly true for me.
Hi Dee, I've been thinking about what you said. I think that one issue/problem I have is that I am 'high functioning' and have not yet hit a rock bottom. I know I MUST stop drinking and that I WANT to stop, but the fact I can manage my life reasonably well means sometimes I want to drink more than I want to stay sober. I know that if I continue drinking though it'll all end in disaster.
Anyway, I feel better today so thanks for everyone's kind words and support. I'm going to go an AA meeting tomorrow and I have an appointment with a counsellor on Wednesday so more support on the way.
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