Pipedreamer

11/1 Marked the beginning of my recovery. A few nights before that I had been laying in bed after drinking all day, drunkely berating myself and sobbing-- Hating myself for being the man I have become and I found this site. I have been battling addiction since I was 15 from drugs like meth and cocaine to prescription pills like methadone, adderal, etc. I have made it whole years sober before but I always return to substance abuse of one sort or another. I am now 25 and have recently moved almost 600 miles from home, from my "friends"/"enablers" with my brother to Boston. I have hid my problem, mostly successfully, from my family over the years. They know I "like to party" but since I have managed to hold a job successfully over the years and "manage" my problem they do not understand the true scope of my addiction. That in its self was my biggest cop-out for so many years. "You don't have a problem, you go to work, you pay your bills, you deserve a buzz." Or "You quit the hard stuff, who cares if your drinking as soon as you get in the car after work." How easily we rationalize things to make ourselves think we are ok. Its 4am on a Friday night, I can't sleep, my heart is racing. I want a drink, I want to sleep, but I cannot. My brother supports my quitting since I have opened up to him, but he does not understand addiction as he has never experienced it. Nothing is fun anymore, I cannot even enjoy a good meal without a buzz. I have not gone more than a night without drinking for almost 2 years. I apologize to anyone who actually reads this muttled disjointed mess of a post I cannot even hold a straight thought I am so scatterbrained right now. I just need to put my thoughts out there.

Dee74

Hi pipedreamer

There's a lot of people here who understand and want to help

I remember not being able to do anything with a buzz too - but there is life after alcohol

I found being a regular member here really helped me with my drinking rationalisations - it's hard to rationalise when you force yourself to confront the reality here.

Coming here helped me change my life - I know you can too.

Welcome to SR

D

least

Welcome to the family. I tried for almost two years after joining here to quit drinking and finally succeeded amost two years ago. What a difference! I no longer wake up, deep into withdrawals, sick as hell and hating myself. Now I wake up feeling good and ready for whatever the day brings.

I'm glad you joined us. You'll find a lot of support here.

Bikeguy

Welcome to Sober Recovery and congratulations on your decision to quit. It's not an easy thing to do but hang in there because it's so worth it.

soberwingz

Welcome. Thanks for sharing your story. Lots of friends and support here.
Hang in there. It does get better.

SoberRightNow

I understand the feeling of not being able to enjoy a meal without a buzz. Felt like at first I couldn't enjoy anything without a drink. But this really does get better with time. I guess the times you were clean before, you still wanted to use. For me, recovery is not about being sober anymore, it is about learning to be happy being sober and that at requires more work from me than just not picking up a drink. For me that means working on myself.

OorWullie

Hi Pipedreamer and welcome.

Jeff63

Welcome to SR!

Many fine people here and all the answers you seek are buried in these posts, just search.

One thing I notice though is that you say you have battled addiction pretty much your whole life, but no where in there does it say you have gotten help. You have changed your environment, but nothing else. It is pretty obvious that moving didn't work. Why don't you see a doctor, tell them the truth about your condition and seek help with the withdrawals (they can kill you). After that, seek in patient treatment so you can relearn how to live sober and to address the underlying causes to your addiction. Remember, it's your addiction not anyone else's around you and it can be treated like a disease, because it is a disease. Your life is what is at stake here.

P.S. I just posted on another thread this morning where the gentleman is having pretty bad medical problems. Don't let this disease get to this point for you. You're so young with so many great things ahead of you....

Good luck

artsoul

Welcome to the forum, pipedreamer!

I did all that rationalizing too, figuring that as long as I could keep up appearances, I was doing OK. Of course, no one knew how many times I was just hanging on. It was a challenge to get out of bed in the morning.

Things really will get better each day you stay sober. Keep reading/posting and let us know how you're doing.

sissy07

Pipedreamer,

I was in a situation very similar to yours when I was 25. By outward appearance I was very successful and happy (operational word there = outwardly). Rehab at 35, sober 8 years, drank, sober 9 years, drank for 4 years and I am just now 88 days sober. Each time I have relapsed has been worse, and each time I have had to pick up the pieces and start again it was harder. I don't want that to be your story....quit while you are young. Heck, your whole life is ahead of you!

You know it doesn't get any better, and pretty soon there will be more serious consequences to drinking other than feeling like hell - your luck will run out, it always does. And feeling like hell will get expotentially worse as the years pass, trust me on that.

You appear to have a good head on your shoulders and a lot going for you. Time to stop drinking / drugs for good so that you can reach your potential and enjoy your life without substance abuse hanging over your head. Consider shaking it up and do something different - that is what I am having to do. Best wishes to you, and take care.

Pipedreamer

Soberrightnow, I know exactly what you mean. I too am trying to learn how to be happy sober. Its so easy to look at your life and see everything you hate and miss every bit of positive there is, and know this but still not be able to stop it.
Thanks for the welcome and all the support. Another morning sober and another day to face, SOBER. No more rationalizing, no more lying to myself.